The CrabCake Bureau of Funny Post Archival

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

I was drunk the other day and I (in my drunk mind) "noticed" that Kentucky and Austria look similar in shape.

Discuss my drunken observations with maps.

Poland and Cambodia look like what happens when I try to make pancakes, omelets, crepes, etc.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Context:

A friend of mine told me that the neighbor of the nephew of the uncle of the friend of a friend of his heard a tale about a man from Oklahoma who tried that once.  Jeff was the poor fool's name, at least that's what my friend said; you never really know with these types of things.  The story goes that Jeff was a successful and innovative businessman who was always looking for ways to give back to the community.  he man had the love of his family and the respect of all who knew him.  Some even said he was the most honest and selfless man they had ever met.  His compassion truly knew no limits.  He wouldn't even eat meat lest he benefit from the suffering of another of God's creatures.  Jeff was perhaps the only man truly capable of making Oklahoma Great.  You'll forgive me if I don't imply that the state was ever great in the past.

All that changed on one dark and stormy night.  Here's where things start to get a little bit confusing.  Some say the events of that terrible night happened a mere two years ago on April 1st, 2014.  Others will say that it happened on January 24th, 1999.  But if you ask my friend, he'll tell you that this dark day was February 27th, 2005.  I suppose you'll have to decide for yourself.  As for me, after seeing the fear in my friend's eyes, I don't doubt him.  Who could make up such a thing?  But I digress...  

It was a dark and stormy night and Jeff had just finished his two hour volunteer shift with the Salvation Army.  Jeff loved helping the needy, but he couldn't help feeling sad.  The rain meant he wouldn't be able go on his daily two mile jog.  It was his favorite part of the day.  You see, while Jeff had always loved all forms of exercise, there was nothing he loved more than jogging.  It was then that he made a fateful decision.  Jeff...the poor man...he decided to go on his jog despite the rain.  He decided to go a different route than normal and soon came to a part of Oklahoma City he'd never seen before.  There was nothing there except for a house that looked as old and run down as time itself.  I can't imagine what the house must have looked like.  Or maybe I just don't want to...

Some say that Oklahoma City is such a terrible place that this could have been any part of the town, but sometimes I'm not so sure.  Oh Oklahoma City is a horrible place, don't get me wrong, but I think this was no ordinary house.  Call me crazy, but sometimes I wonder if there wasn't something different about that part of town.  Something evil.  Something Jeff's inherent goodness had blinded him to.  In fact, I'll bet that if you went to Oklahoma City today – and God knows no sane man would – you would find no trace of the house.  Or maybe that's just what I tell myself when I'm afraid to think that such evil could still exist in the world.  I must beg your indulgence, my friends.  I promise that I was not a superstitious man before I heard this story.  Now though...well...these days I'm afraid of most everything.  Especially mirrors...  

My friend says he heard Jeff saw a flash of lighting in the sky and the house's door swung wide open.  Jeff was an innocent and trusting man.  If ever it was true that good could not comprehend evil, then so it was with Jeff.  He assumed that another good Christian man was opening the door and offering him shelter until the storm passed.  As the bible says, "Love thy neighbor as thy self."  Jeff entered the house and he climbed the steps.  The House looked like...well...I don't have to tell you, do I?  Of course not, you know the type.  It's just like that house in the run-down part of your town.  The one that no one but you can ever seem to find.  The one that seems to be calling out your name whenever you walk by as though it were speaking in a secret whisper meant for you and you alone.  The house that is always beckoning you enter that eternal darkness which consumes all who pass through the doorway.  

Jeff entered and heard a scream from one of the rooms.  A lesser man might have fled and called the police, but not Jeff.  He selfless raced to the downstairs bathroom to save a perfect stranger from whatever foul beast – be it one of flesh or one from that darker realm where God and the devil battle for our souls – had possessed his host to scream so.  But when Jeff enter the bathroom, he found it empty.  There was nothing to indicate anyone had ever been there before.  Nothing...except a nameplate carved from that most wretched gold of Mammon which did so read "Michael Heseltine."  "Michael Heseltine," Jeff muttered to his reflection as he tried to make sense of these strange and indeed foul circumstances in which he had found himself tragically ensnared.  

"That's it!  Michael Heselt!ne must be the owner of the house," exclaimed the poor man, lacking even the faintest notion of those blackest of horrors in whose wretched path he had placed himself.  Jeff had only one thought: to thank the man – and I doubt that it was a man – that opened the door and extended the house's hospitality to him.  "Michael Heselt!ne," shouted Jeff.  You'll understand if I dare not type that foul name a third time.  Not here...not now...not with mirrors in the house.  They could be watching...

No one knows quite what happened, but Jeff was never the same after that.  Whatever he saw had turned his hair white with fright.  Where once his soul shined bright with good works, it soon grew black with sin.  Jeff soon grew over 300 pounds as stress-eating – once his sole vice – quickly took over his life.  In fact, after saying "Michael Heselt!ne" a third time, Jeff simply disappeared.  He was found a week later wandering naked through the streets muttering "Bushie.  Bushie.  Bushie.  Bushie," over and over again.  It was all he has said ever since.  Alas, there is more, I fear...  

My friend did not take the same precautions I have taken when sharing this story with you and I never saw him again since the day he told me the tale.  I researched the story, expecting to find nothing, but what I did find haunts my dreams even now.  Since the invention of the first mirror, every major society has contained obscure writings warning of a creature called the "Lumine."  I don't know who or what the "Lumine" is or even what the word means.  I hope to God I never find out.  

The details of the stories vary depending on the culture, but the urban legends and folk tales have the same basic structure.  Perhaps your parents even told you one story or another as a child.  You know how it goes, "don't say Michael Heselt!ne three times around a mirror or the Lumine will gobble you up for his supper."  Somehow I suspect the poor souls who say that vile name thrice in a mirror's vicinity will meet a far more grisly fate.  

I know you must think me mad.  I can't say blame you.  I once doubted my own sanity, why shouldn't you?  But that was before the storm.  One dark stormy night, you know the type.  Those nights so black they make grown men hide under the blanket from the monsters we all once suspected were living in our closets.  On such a night as that, I thought...I thought I heard voice calling to me...beckoning me to enter the bathroom...to say that cruel name.  Only three times said the whisper.  And what frightened me the most was that I'll be d***ed if I wanted anything in that moment half so badly as I wanted to dash into the bathroom and say "Michael Heselt¡ne" three times in the mirror.  I almost got out of bed thinking it couldn't possibly be as bad as all that, but something stopped me.  I don't know what it was, but I thank God every day for it.  Instead of racing toward certain doom, I merely hid under the covers and wept...for Jeff, for my friend, and all the other poor souls taken from us my the mirrors.    

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

what if you abort hitler and it turns out you were hitler all along at the end? pretty spooky

What if you were a Jewish baker, and you went back in time to abort fetus-Hitler so you didn't have to bake a cake for a Nazi wedding?  Would the Supreme Court rule that Momma Hitler's freedom to control her body trumped your right of conscience to not bake the cake?  Would the fact that the abortion took place in the distant past, well before Roe vs. Wade, influence their decision?  And would it be more acceptable if the abortion took place in a transgender bathroom?

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Santander is my username so that I can make racist comments and support racist politicians while hiding behind a name that suggests that I'm Hispanic.

I always figured it was because the bank Santander offered you a job in Kentucky.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Santander is my username so that I can make racist comments and support racist politicians while hiding behind a name that suggests that I'm Hispanic.

I always figured it was because the bank Santander offered you a job in Kentucky.

That is funny. Turns out, there's no Santander Bank in Kentucky.

Maybe his task was to open the very first?

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

You guys are going to get me banned for being a sock.

Nah, just deport you to Scotland.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Some black former Senator from Hillary's first home state endorses her? What a shocker...

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Okay, Secretary. Here's our plan: Trump is set to do terribly with Mormons and Latinos. But, we want you to run a 50 state campaign. So, we're going to plant you in Salt Lake City and have you do forays into a state twice a week from now until November. However, we forbid you from going to Colorado, because everyone there is an assassin specifically tasked to kill you, and Virginia, which we anticipate you will win with upwards of 98%, and we don't want to give your administration a DPRK vibe. Also, we'd like to introduce you to TN Volunteer, your new NH director...

And so on.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

This is CNN Breaking News:

Wolf Blitzer: I have just gotten word that CNN has exclusively obtained a copy of a sensitive communication which was allegedly found on Secretary Clinton's email server. We're putting it up on the screen now.

You must be logged in to read this quote.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

My favorite posters are probably the Polish posters for American movies:

http://www.cracked.com/article_20120_15-wildly-misleading-movie-posters-from-around-world_p2.html

E.g….

Close Encounters of the Third Kind:



The Exorcist:



Gone With the Wind:

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Democrats:



#NeverTrump Republicans:



Ironic Trump Supporters:



Trump Supporters:



Posters from Other Countries:



Me:

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Happy birthday don't die

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

I swear this is a picture of me. Pls no bully.

I doubted you at first, but I noticed something out of the corner of my eye and decided to enhance / clean up the picture a bit. Turns out you were telling the truth!

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Context:

He's a perv and would enjoy it.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

wow! I'm impressed, they've only been around for two years or so and they've made quite the impression. Bit of information on how great they are:

- they're fully committed to the destruction of culture. Trust me, they don't care about their ancestor's "cultural traditions" or the ancient Mesopotamian heritage or whatever, they're just rootless cosmopolitans from all over dedicated to building a Caliphate. Sweet!

- don't worry, they're not tedious old religious scholars. They're all young people who interpret the faith in the way they wish! Heck they're so tolerant they even have people who get their Koranic knowledge from a "For Dummies" book. Inspiring!

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

RIP?

I hold Sanders personally responsible for jfern's demise. Sad!

jfern is officially Bernie's Vince Foster.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

I'll be Pencive until I find out.

You ain't Fallin for this...

It won't be Christie-l clear until 11 tomorrow

You guys sure are Flynngin' puns around like there's no tomorrow.

We're going to need some therapy Sessions after all these puns.

Everyone should really put a Corker in it until flight plans have been leaked.

Don't be so Condi-scending...

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

"He who bans you controls you" - Thomas Sankara

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

The chair guy is like

Petition to ban Crumpet for calling for The chair guy being shot.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Are you going to quote 2004 posts anytime soon?

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Best thing ever.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Adolf Hitler
Posts: 1889


Political Matrix
E: 10.00 S. 10:00

"opinion of adolf hitler"
"don't agree with his views but nice guy ff "

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Plant -> Tree
National tree of Russia -> Birch
Birch -> John Birch
John Birch Society -> Trump

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

I think Jill Stein has gotten more threads started about her on Atlas than the number of votes she has received.

It's funny because it's true.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Context:

I too oppose the idea of the Republic of Sealand joining the Eurasian Economic Union, and talks on this should stop.