Take the Atlas Job Interview

[tik 🪀✨]

Hello. What's your name?

It's very nice to meet you. As you are obviously aware we have a vacancy for the position of Atlas Poster. What led you to apply for this position?



Interesting..

We have many applications to sort through, and they get a bit mixed up in HR - but yours was striking for its lack of clarity in regards to your skillset. What unique skills will you bring to our team?

Really? How quaint.



We have a fairly relaxed atmosphere in this office. As you can see, a few people have gathered around the water cooler to discuss attractive people. Despite the intense sausagivity of our team, you'll find that an inordinately large percentage of them prefer intimacy with a side of mushroom, if you know what I mean. Would you rather have mushrooms or oysters on your metaphorical pizza of the flesh?

And I just have to ask, what is that between your legs?

I'm not surprised. How many years has it been there?



Please excuse my morphing visage. You'll hear many conspiracy theories around here relating to that. Relax, I'm just a lizard people. That reminds me: What's your favourite colour?

Close enough.

Our meetings often result in heated debates about all manner of topics. On which side of the table should I reserve your seat?

Great, you'll fit right in. You seem to have one arm with muscles much more developed than the other, so I can easily gather you'll easily squeeze into your circle, champ.



Is there anything else we should know about you? What's with that odd birthmark? Anyway, what did you think of the last guy I interviewed? Would you hire them to work here? I sure wouldn't. Odd smell. I wanna say pickled onions.



Yum. I guess that about wraps it up. Thanks for taking the time to take this interview. We'll call you. Probably names.

[Joe Republic]

Sorry I was sixteen hours late for this.  I got mayo on my tie.

I think it was mayo.



Not sure now.

[Joe Republic]

Okay it wasn't mayo.

[tik 🪀✨]

Sorry I was sixteen hours late for this.  I got mayo on my tie.

I think it was mayo.



Not sure now.

HIRED

[tik 🪀✨]

Alright, I'll start. Might as well before this trickles down to the second page.

Hello. What's your name? Tik. But you can call me Tik.

What led you to apply for this position? Originally I was goaded into joining by Everett who thought we could cause some fun havoc here.

What unique skills will you bring to our team? Not many. I don't have the motivation to make maps. I don't have any unique qualifications or expertise, although I feel like I have an above-average familiarity with evangelical Christianity from my upbringing (not that that comes in handy much). I just really enjoy politics and informal debate, and I really really enjoy reading the posts of people who are smarter than me - especially if we disagree.

Would you rather have mushrooms or oysters on your metaphorical pizza of the flesh? I like, just, ALL of the genitals.

What is that between your legs? An inside-out vagina and probably some ingrown hairs

How many years has it been there? 27 currently.

What's your favourite colour? Uh. Lavender.

On which side of the table should I reserve your seat? I'm firmly on the left these days, but I'm not completely against playing footsie.

Is there anything else we should know about you? As you could guess, I have way too much time on my hands and a desperate, crippling need for validation and attention.

Would you hire them to work here? I am the first person to answer this so, I can't say.

[Bleach Blonde Bad Built Butch Bodies for Biden]

Hello. What's your name? Hiya!  The name's Scott.  Pleased to meet you, buddy.



What led you to apply for this position? Funny you should ask!  I actually came upon this site when I was looking for a nice girl to meet who shares similar interests, namely politics.  The avatars intrigued me, but when I clicked that 'Register' button, boy, was I in for a surprise!

What unique skills will you bring to our team? Gee, y'know, there's something about this forum that keeps me coming back day after day, often browsing for several hours before saying "F**k it, I'm playing TF2."  You can pretty much count on me being here whenever, which I guess is a skill, but my knowledge on political geography is limited (though not terrible) and I'm fairly self-educated on political and religious affairs.  Like the gentleman you interviewed before me, I too enjoy reading the posts of those who know more than me about a certain subject.

Would you rather have mushrooms or oysters on your metaphorical pizza of the flesh? Show me the fungi!

What is that between your legs? Probably a pee stain.  It goes well with my neckbeard, my fedora, and all the other attire of the typical Atlas user, don't you agree?

How many years has it been there? 2011!

What's your favourite colour? Burgundy's nice.

On which side of the table should I reserve your seat? Dead center.

Is there anything else we should know about you? I have no arrest record!

Would you hire them to work here? I'm fairly certain the last guy you're hiring is in an illegal immigrant.  Put me down as a no.

Can I have a job, please?

[Antonio the Sixth]

I guess I'll give it a try.


Hello. What's your name? Antonio. I call myself Tony when I try to pose as a Real Murican, but honestly, I'd rather not be called so.

What led you to apply for this position? Interest in US elections. Weird, isn't it?

What unique skills will you bring to our team? Nothing to see here.

Would you rather have mushrooms or oysters on your metaphorical pizza of the flesh? ...

OK, if I get this metaphor right, then I'll have the oysters. It sounds a lot less "appetizing" put this way, though.

What is that between your legs? Oh come on... It's the Atlas Forum. Make a guess.

How many years has it been there? Probably 21 by now, counting womb time.

What's your favourite colour? Primary yellow.

On which side of the table should I reserve your seat? Is there a tiny little spot between the True Leftists and the Yuppie Trendy Third-Way Liberals? Fine. It's a bit small, but I'll fit well there.

Is there anything else we should know about you? Nothing I particularly wish to say.

Would you hire them to work here? Yeah, Scott's a good pal.

[Mechaman]

Hello. What's your name?

Micah Mahon, but you can call me "Mechaman" because I am harder than metal!  Yeah!


What led you to apply for this position?

To be honest it was the prospect of writing many what-if scenarios an alternate reality stories of things involving stuff like American politics that really got me into it.  But then I checked out the 2012 Election Thread and figured out quickly that trolling is where the future is at.

What unique skills will you bring to our team?

Stunning illiteracy on Constitutional issues I have a strong and emotional stance on, mindblowing stupidity in regards to how the Federal Reserve system works, not knowing jack sh*t on chemicals like "trans fats" (seriously, what the hell is that?  It is like a fat that can transform into a solid or somethin?), and an irritatingly self-righteous populist Hibernian resentment populist mentality against the "elites" however the hell you define that sort of term.

Would you rather have mushrooms or oysters on your metaphorical pizza of the flesh? Mate, I really don't think it's the type of toppings you have on the pizza that make it great, but the crust and sauciness of it ya'know?  I'm down for mushrooms just like I'm down for oysters.  Just as long as the cheese is shimmering hot and the crust is full and fluffy, ya'know?  Hell, if it has that I could probably go for, as the Minnesotans would say, "bouUUUULF!"

What is that between your legs?
Oh this?

Is my insurance policy.  Wanna take a look at it?


How many years has it been there?
Oh since 2008 or so.  In this economy you can never be too careful.

What's your favourite colour?
Crimson.  Bloody crimson.

On which side of the table should I reserve your seat?
On the far left side of the table, nearest the "Exit" sign in case the restaurant has a sprout poisoning scare, some mum's kids start having the vomits, or the next revolution happens.  I can't be late for that.

Is there anything else we should know about you?
I’m an Irish Catholic. I like to drink. It is what is. We’ll go have lunch. We’ll go have drinks. We’ll work the phones. We’ll do whatever it takes to get things done.

What's with that odd birthmark?
I came out assfirst.  Yeah, what a bitch right?

What do you think of the person before you?  Smelled kind of funny didn't he?
He''s Italian, what'd you expect?

Would you hire them to work here? Not so sure.  He's from France, so I wouldn't send him to negotiate any hostage takeovers.  Ya'know how they are, love to surrender.  Probably loves a good peggin', if you're into that.

Yum. I guess that about wraps it up. Thanks for taking the time to take this interview. We'll call you. Probably names.

I hope the pay is good, cos I'm not sure I can work in an environment where the HR manager eats their own armpit hair.  I mean, how do I know the benefits package includes counseling?  Anyway, see you later and don't do anything crazy like shave your *** or something.

[Torie]

Hello. What's your name? Torie.

But that's a female name isn't it?  Yes, I know I am wearing tight jeans with a Castro Street look. I have had some difficultly figuring out my sexuality. But I'm making great progress on that front!

What led you to apply for this position? I am interesting in taking the place over. I want to own all those pretty maps. And I dislike the other party stealing my favorite color (see below) for their team. I want to take it back. It's mine, all mine!

What unique skills will you bring to our team? I don't need any skills. Only poors need skills.

Would you rather have mushrooms or oysters on your metaphorical pizza of the flesh? I'm versatile, so both.

What is that between your legs? A certain kind of metal jewelry at the moment.

How many years has it been there? That is an illegal question, suggesting age discrimination motives.

What's your favourite colour? red

On which side of the table should I reserve your seat? Unnecessary for me to reserve a seat. I own the table.

Is there anything else we should know about you? You will find out far more than you want to know in due course.  Be patient.

Would you hire them to work here? Sure, if they sign this little contract that I wrote out for them without making any changes. Trust me, it's totally fair and balanced.

[Antonio the Sixth]

What do you think of the person before you?  Smelled kind of funny didn't he?
I'm pretty sure I saw him eating a mountain load of fresh cider berries before the interview.  Connecticucks, very weird people ya'know?

Would you hire them to work here? Not so sure.  I'd at least keep him away from all the chicks though man.  He seems to have quite a bit of a sexual frustration issue and will randomly explode into swear word laden rants whenever you bring up the subject Neo-Lolberalism.

Ahem... You're not talking about me, are you?

[Mechaman]

What do you think of the person before you?  Smelled kind of funny didn't he?
I'm pretty sure I saw him eating a mountain load of fresh cider berries before the interview.  Connecticucks, very weird people ya'know?

Would you hire them to work here? Not so sure.  I'd at least keep him away from all the chicks though man.  He seems to have quite a bit of a sexual frustration issue and will randomly explode into swear word laden rants whenever you bring up the subject Neo-Lolberalism.

Ahem... You're not talking about me, are you?

OH lol

When I was typing Scott was the person who posted before me.  LOL, i guess I didn't check to see if it was you.. . . . hahahahaha

Will remodify.

[With you in spirit]

Hello. What's your name?

Rusty Shackleford aka 20RP12 aka Big Wiggly Style aka Carl

It's very nice to meet you. As you are obviously aware we have a vacancy for the position of Atlas Poster. What led you to apply for this position?

I'm bored

Interesting..

We have many applications to sort through, and they get a bit mixed up in HR - but yours was striking for its lack of clarity in regards to your skillset. What unique skills will you bring to our team?

I post pad a lot according to Tweed

Really? How quaint.

We have a fairly relaxed atmosphere in this office. As you can see, a few people have gathered around the water cooler to discuss attractive people. Despite the intense sausagivity of our team, you'll find that an inordinately large percentage of them prefer intimacy with a side of mushroom, if you know what I mean. Would you rather have mushrooms or oysters on your metaphorical pizza of the flesh?

I just woke up so i'm not really on the up and up about this metaphor. If oysters are vaginas, i'm all for it.

And I just have to ask, what is that between your legs?

Right now? A glass of juice. Regularly? A dick.

I'm not surprised. How many years has it been there?

The juice...I'm not doing a damn decimal. 5 minutes. The weiner? 17 years. At least I hope.

Please excuse my morphing visage. You'll hear many conspiracy theories around here relating to that. Relax, I'm just a lizard people. That reminds me: What's your favourite colour?

Black mixed with dark black

Close enough.

Our meetings often result in heated debates about all manner of topics. On which side of the table should I reserve your seat?

The left because I'm leftist scum

Great, you'll fit right in. You seem to have one arm with muscles much more developed than the other, so I can easily gather you'll easily squeeze into your circle, champ.

Is there anything else we should know about you? What's with that odd birthmark? Anyway, what did you think of the last guy I interviewed? Would you hire them to work here? I sure wouldn't. Odd smell. I wanna say pickled onions.

I wanna fit left in

You should know that I really dig this cranberry juice dang this is tasty
If you can see my birthmark, i need to pull my pants up
The last guy you interviewed is an assbutt
I would not, good call
The smell is that of me being hired

Yum. I guess that about wraps it up. Thanks for taking the time to take this interview. We'll call you. Probably names.

Good i love being called names. Especially my nickname, which is "you're weird, stop talking to me." Everyone calls me that.

[Bleach Blonde Bad Built Butch Bodies for Biden]

Would you hire them to work here? Not so sure.  I'd at least keep him away from all the chicks though man.  He seems to have quite a bit of a sexual frustration issue and will randomly explode into swear word laden rants whenever you bring up the subject Neo-Lolberalism.

:/

[Enderman]

Hello. What's your name? 'ello! The name's Jack Enderman, but you can call me Jack.

What led you to apply for this position? Funny story. I was just looking around last December for "List of Alternate Presidents". Then I found an alternate history about Daschle winning in 2000, but eventually Kay Bailey Hutchison became President... I was immediately hooked!

Interesting..

We have many applications to sort through, and they get a bit mixed up in HR - but yours was striking for its lack of clarity in regards to your skillset. What unique skills will you bring to our team? Well I can definitely plan a lot of ways to get out of hard things. I could definitely find a plan for any scenario. I can also help with people having a bad day. But I'm not just psychological help, I can bring to the table a lot of political ideas and campaigning tactics.

Really? How quaint.


Would you rather have mushrooms or oysters on your metaphorical pizza of the flesh? I hope that you're not being dirty about this question; if not, mushrooms.

And I just have to ask, what is that between your legs? in this suitcase is the key to my release...

I'm not surprised. How many years has it been there? To tell you the truth, this is the first time I noticed it here, so I'd guess ever since this building was made.

Please excuse my morphing visage. You'll hear many conspiracy theories around here relating to that. Relax, I'm just a lizard people. That reminds me: What's your favourite colour? Red and blue, but orange is my favorite.

Close enough.

Our meetings often result in heated debates about all manner of topics. On which side of the table should I reserve your seat? Closest to the Rubio Republicans and farthest from the Socialists. But keep Jake Tiver as close as possible without making the scene awkward.

Great, you'll fit right in. You seem to have one arm with muscles much more developed than the other, so I can easily gather you'll easily squeeze into your circle, champ.

Is there anything else we should know about you? I'm mainly Dutch-German. And I can't smell or puke.

What's with that odd birthmark? Lets just say I had medical problems when I was an infant.

Anyway, what did you think of the last guy I interviewed? He's an interesting guy. Kinda reminds me of Charlie Crist IMO.

Would you hire them to work here? He's a Pennsylvanian hack, what'd you expect?

Yum. I guess that about wraps it up. Thanks for taking the time to take this interview. We'll call you. Probably names. Thank you. Have a nice day!