Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator - An Election TL

[Unapologetic Chinaperson]

Author's Note: I've been working on Sun and Moon for several months long, and I've enjoyed all of it, but I thought this shorter TL would be a nice change of pace.

[_]

Oh dear mother of god

[President Punxsutawney Phil]

Moar! Moar!

[Unapologetic Chinaperson]

“Guys, I’m gonna make a promise, we’re gonna use Brawndo to water all our crops. It’s got electrolytes, which is what plants crave. Believe me. I used to use water to water all my plants, now I use Brawndo, now they have increased bigly.”



As Trump was promoting Brawndo as America’s liquid of choice, to be used everywhere from agriculture to drinking (but not in toilets!), the Democrats nominated Elizabeth Warren as their nominee. Warren, the progressive firebrand, was disgusted (as were most Democrats) at the Republicans’ utter disregard for health, science, and common sense, and she campaigned accordingly.

“President Trump has never been a fan of science. He has claimed that climate change is a Chinese hoax, he promoted anti-vaccination conspiracy theories, and he has done his best to gut science in Washington at all levels. And now, with this? Promoting a sports drink to water our crops when he doesn’t even know basic plant biology? I wish we didn’t have to face this, but unfortunately, this is on par on the course for Trump.”

[Unapologetic Chinaperson]

Things got heated by the first debate.




Trump: “Pocahontas wants us to continue to use water to water our crops, but you see, water doesn’t have electrolytes, and Brawndo does, Brawndo does have electrolytes, and electrolytes are what plants crave. Once we use Brawndo on our crops our crop production will increase dramatically, tremendously. Trust me, we’ll have more food than we know what to do with.”

Warren: “Okay, President Trump, with all due respect do you even know what electrolytes are? They’re salts. We have salts that naturally occur in our body and they are important to our health. When we exercise we excrete them through our sweat, which is why sports drinks like Brawndo have electrolytes to replenish them. But when you apply them to crops, it’s like adding seawater-”

Trump: “Wrong! Wrong!”

Warren: “What I’m trying to say is-”

Trump: “Pocahontas is trying to get all sciency on me, all she’s saying is wrong and liberal, she wants us to not use Brawndo and that’s terrible.”

Moderator: “I’m sorry, President Trump, but can you please not interrupt Elizabeth Warren-”

Trump: “No.”

[America Needs R'hllor]

LMAO. If Americans reelect him after this ITTL, they'll officially cease deserving the status of a great nation.

[President Punxsutawney Phil]

What is Brawndo?

[America Needs R'hllor]

What is Brawndo?

I'm in the same boat as you, but:

You must be logged in to read this quote.

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=brawndo

[Cold War Liberal]

LMAOOOOO I wouldn't even be surprised if this became real

I'd rather have President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho then President Donald John Trump, tbh, I mean would Trump ever do THIS at a SOTU:



(hope you're not abandoning Sun and Moon)

What is Brawndo?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Idiocracy

[Unapologetic Chinaperson]

(hope you're not abandoning Sun and Moon)

Oh no I'm not, I'm just want to mix things up after working on that massive update. I watched a bunch of Idiocracy clips this morning, and I felt really inspired.

[Unapologetic Chinaperson]

 Atlas Forum
- Presidential Elections - Analysis and Discussion
-- 2020 U.S. Presidential Election (Moderators: Likely Voter, TJ in Wisco, Virginia)
--- First Presidential Debate: Trump vs. Warren

Dwayne Herbert Camacho MikeJudge       YaBB God ★★★★★ Posts: 988

First Presidential Debate: Trump vs. Warren « Reply #1512 on: September 14, 2020, 08:24:39 pm »These SJWs and pointy-headed ivory tower socialists need to stop promoting their water. Real Americans drink Brawndo, the American drink.

Not Sure JoeAverage       YaBB God ★★★★★ Posts: 1442

First Presidential Debate: Trump vs. Warren « Reply #1513 on: September 14, 2020, 08:26:41 pm » You must be logged in to read this quote.

Liz Queen WarrenStan       YaBB God ★★★★★ Posts: 991

First Presidential Debate: Trump vs. Warren « Reply #1514 on: September 14, 2020, 08:27:22 pm » You must be logged in to read this quote. TFW drinking water has become a partisan position

Texas Socialist texas_socialist YaBB God ★★★★★ Posts: 2434

First Presidential Debate: Trump vs. Warren « Reply #1515 on: September 14, 2020, 08:28:51 pm »Maybe if you Trumpers drink more water and less Brawndo and Diet Coke maybe you’ll have enough energy to get off your fat butts and get some actual exercise, instead of melting your brains on Fox News and Breitbart.

Dwayne Herbert Camacho MikeJudge YaBB God ★★★★★ Posts: 988

First Presidential Debate: Trump vs. Warren « Reply #1516 on: September 14, 2020, 08:29:02 pm » You must be logged in to read this quote. Your insults are why Trump won

Texas Socialist texas_socialist YaBB God ★★★★★ Posts: 2434

First Presidential Debate: Trump vs. Warren « Reply #1517 on: September 14, 2020, 08:29:32 pm » You must be logged in to read this quote. Your insults are why Trump won [/quote]

[Unapologetic Chinaperson]

Unfortunately for the Democrats, Trump’s Brawndo-based campaign was successful, and he won the Electoral College a second time. (Though he also lost the popular vote a second time.) The Republicans also took back both houses of Congress, thanks to Americans who didn’t want Democrats to meddle with their Brawndo drinking. (To be fair, Brawndo is delicious, unlike water, which is very much not delicious.)

Pres. Donald Trump (R-NY)/VP Mike Pence (R-IN) - 270 EVs
Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA)/Sen. Sherrod Brown (D-OH) - 268 EVs

[P. Clodius Pulcher did nothing wrong]

Excellent

[Unapologetic Chinaperson]

Immediately soon after, Congress passed the Make America Grow Again Act (MAGA Act), which mandated the use of Brawndo instead of water in American farming and livestock raising. Trump’s supporters hailed it as his greatest success ever, even more than when he demolished a holographic projection of Mark Cuban in a professional wrestling match in 2019. The MAGA Act also changed the USDA’s guidelines for healthy eating to include 2-4 servings of Brawndo per day.

[Unapologetic Chinaperson]

By 2021, however, the American economy tanked, especially in its agricultural sector. The government shut down again in January 2022, thanks to the Republicans’ instragence in repealing the MAGA Act, and millions took to the streets to protest the economic devastation.

To make matters worse, America went on several wars during Trump’s second term, including three against China and two against Canada. The First Sino-American War came directly after America invaded North Korea, overthrew the Kim regime, and forced Korean farmers in occupied territory to use Brawndo. That war lasted six months and ended with a peace treaty, but five days later the Second Sino-American War started after a Chinese celebrity criticized Trump’s promotion of Brawndo and called him ugly. The First Canadian-American War, remarkably, started the exact same way, though this time the celebrity was none other than Justin Bieber.



And remarkably, in all five aforementioned wars, America lost. Though pundits and experts doled out lots of explanations, most point to the fact that both China and Canada continued to use water to irrigate their crops, while America was using Brawndo.

[Unapologetic Chinaperson]

Finally, in 2024, while Mike Pence won the Republican nomination and Ohio Governor Richard Cordray became the Democratic nominee, a massive dust bowl crippled the Great Plains, destroying what little agriculture was left in the region.

Moderator: “Governor Cordray, what is your plan to stop the Second Dust Bowl and save American agriculture?”

Cordray: “It’s simple. We absolutely need to repeal the MAGA Act and restore the use of water. We have seen the devastating effect of using Brawndo instead of water to farm. I have personally seen so many farmers back in Ohio whose lives have been devastated thanks to crop failure after crop failure, all because our current administration mandates them to use a sports drink for their crops.”

Pence: “It’s not that simple, Governor. The MAGA Act has created thousands of jobs for the Brawndo Corporation and elsewhere. Repealing this Act will destroy those thousands of jobs and hurt American competitiveness on the world stage.”

Cordray: “You defend Brawndo in the name of American jobs when millions of Americans have no jobs and no food. You defend Brawndo in the name of American competitiveness when we can't even feed our troops. There is no reason in the world to continue this insane legislation, there simply isn't.

[President of the great nation of 🏳️‍⚧️]

Disappointed I didn't make a cameo.

[Unapologetic Chinaperson]

Campaigning on repealing the MAGA Act and implementing economically progressive policies, Cordray was able to defeat Pence in one of the most dramatic victories in American history. Cordray swept up every state except for New Mexico, where Brawndo's HQ was located (in Albuquerque, i.e. Mike Judge's hometown).

Upon becoming President, Cordray repealed the MAGA Act and American farmers returned to using water, restoring American agriculture to its former glory. America experienced a permanent realignment to Democratic governance, Trumpism was left to the ash heap of history, and everybody lived happily ever after.

The end.

[P. Clodius Pulcher did nothing wrong]

Yay a happily ever after TL. That was nice

[WestVegeta]

This was beautiful. Thank you.