The CrabCake Bureau of Funny Post Archival

[Joe Republic]

[President Punxsutawney Phil]

One of the best! I really don't think he deserves a single negative vote here. I can't see what the justification would be.

Also:

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Is there some famous person or TV/movie character named Tim Turner?

sup bruh


 no, but seriously, Massive FF, great poster.

That's Timmy Turner, there's a difference.

What's the difference? Haven't you ever seen Timmy Turner use Dave's Redistricting App? He loves doing that offscreen!

"I wish New Hampshire had smaller precincts!"

*Gets run over by angry women*

[Bleach Blonde Bad Built Butch Bodies for Biden]

I'm actually really scared about the idea of a race war right now.

I doubt Minnesota would see much action on that front.

[This account no longer in use.]

Context:

If I could do that, I probably wouldn't be single.

[Crumpets]

he means article 12 of the u.d.h.r.:

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the stubby-fingered rapist is gonna cede the u.s.'s sovereignty to the united nations, guys, you heard it here first #wakeupsheeple #(((globalist)))insheepsclothing

[President Punxsutawney Phil]

220 years down the line, they'll come out with a hit musical titled "Hillary", detailing Clinton's career and how it came to an abrupt end in a fatal duel with her longtime rival Dick Gephardt.

You mean Jerry Brown?

The twist in the 3rd act is that they were both characters in masks played by Al Gore.

[Figueira]

Context: Stein willing to step aside for Sanders

It's unfortunate that Jill is willing to let her party be dragged to the right.

[Antonio the Sixth]

Justin Trudeau, a most graceful man, sauntered into the press conference. The journalists were already familiar with his aura: his sultry musk, his elegant manner, his astonishing moose riding abilities; but even now, after all this time, they were struck back, intoxicated by his progressive regalness. His warm hand grasped the microphone tenderly, as if the patriarchy was being dismantled right there and then. A Syrian refugee child, already starting her own start-up via entrepreneurship and knowledge of coding, smiled at the young prime minister. He smiled back, and the sheer charisma turned Bashar Al-Assad gay.

"Today,", spoke the PM,  "I wish to talk about the Liberal Party's policy on brain surgery. In 2016, we all use brains. Men use brains and women use brains. Asians use brains. Whites use brains. First Nations use brains. We need brains for entrepreneurship. We need brains for coding start-ups and for marijuana start-ups. It is what we need-"

At that moment, a disheveled Albertan covered with oil and bibles burst into the room. His name was Stephen Harper.

"I have returned" said Stephen Harper, gleefully.

The crowd looked at each other confused. Who was this man that dared forsake His Trudeauness?

"You know" said Harper "I was Prime Minister for ages! Anyway, I don't think we need this "brain surgery" nonsense! Especially from a man with such nice hair!"

The journalists uneasily turned towards Trudeau. A Toronto Star writer piped up "How do you respond to ... Brian Mulroney's comments?"

Justin shook his head and, by extension, his elegant locks of hair. "Do you know what what I think about brain surgery?" His piercing eyes pierced every observer in a peircing manner. He read the Wikipedia page for "Brain Surgery". It was perhaps the greatest piece of Canadian oratory in history. There was a round of applause, and the standing ovation that went round was of equal gender proportions. Every Canadian apologised to one another, as is customary; and the resultant orgy would push birth rates up In the great nation of Canada for many moons.

Harper felt uneasy, and collapsed to the floor with a Catastrophic Brain Asplodification. The fearless Justin Trudeau swooped over to the fallen Kalgary Klux Klan leader.

"I shall save this man" he announced, and Justin set to work. His slender hands slenderly slips into harper's skull. The crowds wept at the selfless PM. Eventually Justin stood up, and all Canadians looked up to him.

"He is alive" said the weary Justin Trudeau, "and better than ever" Silence fell over the nation in anxious trepitadition. "I have" cried out the reinvigorated Trudeau "with great difficulty, written "#Equalrights" on his skull in computer code language!"

There was no more sadness in the nation of Canada, and by extension the world. Ideologues everywhere laid down their nasty rhetoric and learnt how to innovate instead. Justin regained the podium with great jubilation.

"In conclusion" he said " the new Liberal policy on brain surgery is to privatise all brain surgeries in the nation. It's 2016!"

Fin.

Part 2

Tom mulcair walked in. "I also have policies about brain-"

Fin.

...

[IceSpear]

If he does do a podcast about it, he needs to turn the paintings upside down as a signal of distress to all berniebros.

Context.

[Antonio the Sixth]

Well, Mohamed, I've looked into it, and after several extensive investigations, there is no evidence that I or anyone else supporting Hillary Clinton have adopted her speech patterns or "language" more generally. And frankly, if you look at the timing of these questions, it seems to be nothing more than a concerted effort by certain posters to try to tear down our support for her campaign. We don't need this kind of divisive rhetoric, we need pragmatic progressive solutions to the challenges being faced by everyday Americans in Ohio, in Pennsylvania, in Florida, and across our country. You know, I was talking to a mother of one of the victims in the Dallas shooting, and she told me "Crumpets, just get something done so that no other family has to suffer like this." And that's exactly what I intend to do by voting for Hillary Clinton.

[Santander]

Well, Mohamed, I've looked into it, and after several extensive investigations, there is no evidence that I or anyone else supporting Hillary Clinton have adopted her speech patterns or "language" more generally. And frankly, if you look at the timing of these questions, it seems to be nothing more than a concerted effort by certain posters to try to tear down our support for her campaign. We don't need this kind of divisive rhetoric, we need pragmatic progressive solutions to the challenges being faced by everyday Americans in Ohio, in Pennsylvania, in Florida, and across our country. You know, I was talking to a mother of one of the victims in the Dallas shooting, and she told me "Crumpets, just get something done so that no other family has to suffer like this." And that's exactly what I intend to do by voting for Hillary Clinton.

That's actually quite funny.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

RIP?

I hold Sanders personally responsible for jfern's demise. Sad!

jfern is officially Bernie's Vince Foster.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

I'll be Pencive until I find out.

You ain't Fallin for this...

It won't be Christie-l clear until 11 tomorrow

You guys sure are Flynngin' puns around like there's no tomorrow.

We're going to need some therapy Sessions after all these puns.

Everyone should really put a Corker in it until flight plans have been leaked.

Don't be so Condi-scending...

[President Punxsutawney Phil]

Why are you bringing Enver Pasha into this?

[Bleach Blonde Bad Built Butch Bodies for Biden]

Good afternoon, class.

Here's 2012 presidential results from West Virginia. As you can see, Romney got a whooping 62.14%



Now, such a mega victory couldn't be possibly contained to just one small state such as WV. A landslide such as this is bound to splash all over the place.

Under normal circumstances, Romney's megacoattails from West Virginia would be enough to make Maryland, which is just around the corner, competitive. But, because of Obama's even more mega victory in D.C. (90.91%)



Romney's megacoattails were largely canceled, allowing Democrats to narrowly hold Maryland by 61.97%



I mean, you can just see West Virginia megacoattails crossing the state line in the Panhandle.

Now, you may ask what happened to Obama's mega coattails in Delaware. Why there was no effect on Maryland? The answer is simple, these coattails commuted from New Castle County to Philadelphia via Amtrak.

 +  =

[President Punxsutawney Phil]

Kal is so skilled at good old-fashioned Atlas humor... The sheer dominance of this thread by him is proof.
Not even a sock of Groucho Marx could dethrone him! (though he could convince Dave to unban Snowstalker)

[Chancellor Tanterterg]

Kal is so skilled at good old-fashioned Atlas humor... The sheer dominance of this thread by him is proof.
Not even a sock of Groucho Marx could dethrone him! (though he could convince Dave to unban Snowstalker)

Why would anyone want Snowstalker unbanned?

[SUSAN CRUSHBONE]

Kal is so skilled at good old-fashioned Atlas humor... The sheer dominance of this thread by him is proof.
Not even a sock of Groucho Marx could dethrone him! (though he could convince Dave to unban Snowstalker)

Why would anyone want Snowstalker unbanned?

why not?

[President Punxsutawney Phil]

Kal is so skilled at good old-fashioned Atlas humor... The sheer dominance of this thread by him is proof.
Not even a sock of Groucho Marx could dethrone him! (though he could convince Dave to unban Snowstalker)

Why would anyone want Snowstalker unbanned?

The sock of Groucho Marx is powerful to persuade!

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

"He who bans you controls you" - Thomas Sankara

[FEMA Camp Administrator]

"He who bans you controls you" - Thomas Sankara

In a quite literal way, yes.

[Antonio the Sixth]

TNVolunteer Theorem:

 +  =

[Antonio the Sixth]

It appears Kingpoleon drastically overestimated public support for his coup. We can only hope TNVolunteer doesn't use this as an excuse to become even more obtuse.

[Antonio the Sixth]

I'm starting to look like a spammer, but this is just too good to ignore.

Erdogan ought to be extradited to Pennsylvania

[/]

I wonder why only about 4 million people voted in Pennsylvania.

(context needed)