The Friend of the Worker

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For too long the media landscape in Atlasia has been dominated by liberal rags of every stripe. Whether preaching 'objectivity' or not, these rags do nothing to expose the real dregs of society, the parasitical vermin at the top of our economic pyramid who suck the blood out of us all and turn it into cash.

The Friend of the Worker is not a liberal rag.

It will be a newspaper that pulls no punches. It will be the workers' rag, and it will take no prisoners.

The goal of this paper will be to out the vermin for the bloodsuckers they are and out those traitorous fiends that provide cover for them in the halls of power. This is not an intellectual or theoretical journal. We will not be referencing Zizek, Chomsky, Lenin, Marx, Engels, Trotsky, or Mao.

We will be taking out the trash.



Pick up your first issue today and receive a complimentary toy guillotine. You never know when you might need one!

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ELECTION RESULTS AND COMMENTARY

Last weekend, the People elected a new Senate, coinciding with the mid-point of Friend of the Worker bore's Presidency. Let's see how it broke down.

Seat #1: Pig Loving Liberal Weenie Polnut (So Called People's Party)
The king of the moderate heroes was re-elected to another term in the Senate in spite of his steadfast campaign in favor of racist killer cops and remains the de facto leader of the So Called People's Party in the Senate of Atlasia, conspiring with fellow SCPP weenie TheCranberry and Independent Capitalist Pig HagridoftheDeep to dilute or strangle legislation introduced by the Labor Party to help working people. Polnut will likely continue to be an arugula eating liberal elitist throughout his new term in the Senate, given his proclivities as an upper middle class dandy. Workers should be on guard.

Seat #2: Long-winded Moron North Carolina Yankee (Fedoralist Party)
Just when you thought this windbag was dead and gone, he inexplicably rises from the dead. It's very unfortunate that this lackluster relic from 2009 (who actually read a book by Sarah Palin for the sake of enjoyment, which is a surefire sign of a person suffering delusions of grandeur) has been returned to the Senate, where he will no doubt cast 'reluctant nay' votes after walls of indecipherable text. The only thing worse than his inflated ego are is anti-worker positions on the issues, most notably his irrational hatred of immigrants. Workers should be on guard.

Seat #3: Friend of the Worker Lief (Labor Party)
The chairman of the Labor Party was thankfully returned to his perch in the Senate this past weekend. We can only hope that he will continue to fight  in the interests of working people, never shirking before the onslaught of pig-loving liberals, long-winded immigrant hating dunces, and capitalist hangers-on. Workers should be elated!

Seat #4: Fascist Weirdo Cris (I Can't Believe It Ain't Fascism Party)
Much like the disgraced former President Lumine, Cris is a fascist hater of the working class that has contributed nothing of value to the debate in the last Senate and will probably continue down that path in the new Senate. The one saving grace of his candidacy is that he is no longer a member of the joke Fedoralist Party, which is writing on the vine and may yet be put of its misery by the fascist 'Civic Renewal' party. Workers should be on guard.

Seat #5: Friend of the Worker Blair (Labor Party)
In spite of his namesake, Blair is a friend of the working people of Atlasia and his victory should be hailed as a victory for all working people. He is an active and committed legislator and has only bright things in his future. Workers should be elated!

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This paper has but one thing to Our Dear Fiend (North Carolina Yankee):

The workers have no time for your speeches, for your walls of text. You provide them with nothing.

This we shall remember.