The CrabCake Bureau of Funny Post Archival

[SUSAN CRUSHBONE]

The wrinkles1 on her face may indicate her age, but her eyes are bright and full of life.

The wrinkles1 on her face may indicate her age, but her eyes don't.

The wrinkles1 on her face may indicate her age, but her eyes are like the eyes of someone who isn't as old as she is.

The wrinkles1 on her face may indicate her age, but her eyes are not on her face.

The wrinkles1 on her face may indicate her age, but her eyes ain't no goddamned rat.

The wrinkles1 on her face may indicate her age, but her eyes ..well, let's not even go there.

The wrinkles1 on her face may indicate her age, but her eyes are made of flawless glass.

The wrinkles1 on her face may indicate her age, but her eyes have come across a coupon for cheap Botox treatments.

The wrinkles1 on her face may indicate her age, but her eyes were covered by insurance.

The wrinkles1 on her face may indicate her age, but her eyes are like black, vacuous holes that reveal the futility of effort and the inevitability of death.

The wrinkles1 on her face may indicate her age, but her eyes are unable to see them. This is tale of her struggle with body adysmorphic disorder.

The wrinkles1 on her face may indicate her age, but her eyes beckon your own downwards to wrinkles that allude to the promises of new life. She is on top of you now, kissing. Her strength is surprising. You are overcome.

The wrinkles1 on her face may indicate her age, but her eyes are like a fountain of youth, spraying out thin streams of water that taste faintly of urine and pennies.

I hope this helped.

[IceSpear]

As of now, Clinton should win the 2012 map but Benghazi, Veep Castro and an insurgent Trump can take it to the 272 which she still wins.

[Sprouts Farmers Market ✘]

As of now, Clinton should win the 2012 map but Benghazi, Veep Castro and an insurgent Trump can take it to the 272 which she still wins.

Context makes this so much better.

[Sprouts Farmers Market ✘]

I post this here as someone who is unambiguously pro-life.

Susan Collins isn't a moderate, she's just what passes for one these days.

You're right- she isn't a moderate.  She is just a liberal.  Less liberal than Democrats, but still a liberal.  Being pro-abortion automatically puts one into the liberal camp, as the position is so ridiculous and extreme that it can't even fit into a moderate viewpoint.

What if a Democrat is anti-abortion? Does that make him/her a conservative?
What if a Democrat voted for the Iraq War? Does that make her/him a conservative?
If so, Clinton is a conservative by analogous logic. Being "pro-war" is worse than being "pro-abortion".

No, being pro-life is the centrist/sane position.  Being pro-abortion is a completely irrational, extremist position.  Usually, I can at least understand the liberal position, but this issue is an exception, where I can't even understand their side, as it is painfully obvious that an unborn baby is alive.  Note that even liberal Hollywood subconsciously knows this- on The Big Bang Theory, they had characters say "we made a person" when looking at their unborn baby.

[beaver2.0]

That map could only occur if Obama used the IRS and Jade Helm 15 to imprison Republicans and introduce martial law. Texas was kept safe by the Texas State Guard. Drumpf leads an armed uprising against Tsar Hillary and they exercise the second amendment. Hillary gets indicted and both her and Barry Soetoro get sent to Guantanamo Bay to get a "whole lot more" than waterboarding - having to listen to Carly Fiorina sing on infinite loop.

[Badger]

This is the Louisiana state flag.  The State bird is the Brown Pelican.  What makes the Brown Pelican a badass is that it actually does the dive bomber thing to feed. No other North American Pelicans do this.   I could sit on the bench along the Mississippi and watch them do that all day.  The bird on this flag is not a Brown Pelican.  Total Flag Fail.

Obviously the people of Louisiana would prefer a white bird represent them, rather than a colored one.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Depends on who Clinton and Trump pick as their VPs

Anybody who is claiming that the VP choice matters in this, assuming s/he has a minimal understanding of US government, is confessing that s/he is thinking in terms of an assassination. And you were saying something about Mexican violence?

[SUSAN CRUSHBONE]

I'm not gonna fall in line either. Trump was the GOP establishment candidate period. The media chose our candidate again and that's why unless a miracle happens Hillary wins.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Boring, nondescript guys with glasses are fantastic. They're always trustworthy, hardworking, and never have any secrets to hide. I'm sure Prime Minister Major was the same way.

Maybe we should ask Edwina Currie.

[DINGO Joe]

Also, please post your thoughts on whether you think people from Guam should be called Guamis, Guamers, Guamites, or Guamanians.

In Ostricha they say Guaxicans,

[LLR]

Trump is what happens when you tell a person you're urinating on that it's raining.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

His High Mightiness, First Lord William Jefferson Clinton of the United States, Vice Protector of Their Liberties and General Defender of the Same

- Not John Adams

[mencken]

He is a moderate who disappointed and rejected conservatives. Who care?

If Paul Ryan is a moderate, then I suppose Susan Collins is a fiery Maoist.

[beaver2.0]

Of course. Smoking is an incredibly useful social/political activity. (and enjoyable)

It's only useful if you're already a smoker.

[SUSAN CRUSHBONE]

Happy #Eid! The best pilgrimage accommodation is found in Trump Tower Mecca, I love Muslims!

Happy #InternationalWomensDay! The best cunnilingus is done in Trump Tower Boardroom. I love women!

[Figueira]

STOP WRITING HIS NAME anything IN CAPITAL LETTERS

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Mario Cuomo should enter Democratic race!!  Even though he's mathematically eliminated. 


And dead.

[President of the great nation of 🏳️‍⚧️]

The Black Rod would be a great character in a parliamentary porn parody.

EDIT: Context

It's the pant suits.

[beaver2.0]

I don't smoke cigarettes. But I do smoke cigars and a small corncob pipe I have.

Makes sense. That way you die of a classier form of lung cancer.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Context: RT Green Party debate

Tyrel Ventura lost when he failed to achieve flight despite wildly flapping his arms around.

Who attacked Tabitha Wallace with a knife before the program?  I'm glad she didn't get cut, but her dress was ruined.

[Mike Thick]

Trump: We have always been at war with Eastasia

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

What if Clinton chooses Duxbury, Vermont dogcatcher Zeb Towne as her running mate? Discuss with maps.

Towne is a career politician and obviously an establishment shill. Voters want a real outsider - like my neighbor, Bob, who has never held elective office a day in his life! Plus, Bob is a Mormon, so he would lock down Utah for sure.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Trump is no longer the Republican presumptive nominee. All hail Mr. Trumka

Hillary has working class appeal and can appeal to blue collar whites like Biden can. That's why she doesnt need Kaine, she can drive up her base in CO and NV and Pa and win in a landslide. She would blow it if she upsets Trumka and SEIU by picking Kaine who supports TPP.

[Türkisblau]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Richard_Trumka

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Richard_Trumka

Holy hell, they nominated a labor man.

Prepare from even stronger #NeverTrumka