The CrabCake Bureau of Funny Post Archival

[Sopranos Republican]

Why am I an independent?

Congressional Leadership: I see Reid, Pelosi, McConnell, and Boehner as only part of the gridlock and as people who don't care about getting anything done.

Desire for Compromise: We have a class of politicians in both parties who are only concerned about their reelection and never try to give and take a little to find things they can both tolerate passing through. Democrats and Republicans always talk about compromise, but when one side finally gets its act together and makes an offer, the other side almost always shoots it down without question no matter how reasonable it may be. I see no point in this endless bickering, and I would be willing to make reasonable concessions even if it meant my political death.

I would be expelled from the republican party on Day 1: I support massive defense cuts, minimum wage increases, equal pay for women, most of ObamaCare, a ban on Assault Weapons, Comprehensive Immigration Reform, a ban on conversion therapy, eliminating the payroll tax cap, limited civil unions, and the department of education. I oppose the Paul Ryan Medicare Plan.

I would be expelled from the democratic party on Day 1: I oppose Abortion, Gay Marriage, Forcing people to join unions, requiring health care companies to provide free birth control, and forcing anyone to perform wedding-related services for gays and lesbians. I support raising the retirement age for SS and Medicare, North American Energy Independence, The Keystone Pipeline, and a balanced budget amendment.

At the end of the day, I fear the far right more than I do the far left, so I'd probably caucus as a conservative democrat, but both parties would love me one day and hate me the next.

[Mr. Smith]

Obviously a vampire because they're immortal, duh. If they were around when Lincoln was a Vampire Hunter they were probably around when Pierce  was president.

And I guess vampires vote Democrat because the Party of Lincoln is seen as hostile to Vampires.

[🦀🎂🦀🎂]

I'll get back on the Revolution tomorrow. I did nothing wrong at Best Buy. I don't feel bad at all. Plus, oakvale, it's Black Friday. It's no fun to be communist this weekend. I wanted to enjoy my shopping spree with the $400 ham I wanted to eat and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.  If you don't like it, then shut up and let me live my life.  I am still following the challenges Marx set forth.  Yes, I had a slip up tonight, but I have not completely blown it.

[Sprouts Farmers Market ✘]

Once again I literally fell on the floor laughing over an Aizen post. Oh boy, did we miss you this last week

Can you imagine a meeting with those three? Nothing would get done. They'd sit around talking about shopping and boys.

[retromike22]

Cory Gardner is like 5'5. America isn't ready for a midget VP

[Joe Republic]

Once again I literally fell on the floor laughing over an Aizen post.

[Joe Republic]

I'd love to see an email conversation between this guy, John Carter, and Terry Branstad.

"Terry, take these letter things back-- I don't want 'em."

"I can't, I don't have an emailphone. Is there an app? Send me a google or something."

"The sahbers! They're everywhere! Jesus lord, the sahbers!"

[Morning in Atlas]

It appears that the fundamentalist of the Obama doctrine have decided to be more transparent than in the past.

1. If you do not like the doctor, we will keep the doctor.
2. If you do not like the plan, we will keep the plan.
3. Every country is guaranteed 2500 dead. Pre-orders already being accepted; Libya, Iraq, Yemen, Nigeria…
4. All pre-ambitions must be accepted.

A two week extension is said to be on order for the order to get in order their order. However, best your order be in order by the 31st.  


  

[Antonio the Sixth]

Look at the top of the page.

[MATTROSE94]

Reaction from ISIS:

Oh Crap

Reaction from JCL:

Tea Party in the hizzau

[King]

Guys, check this one out.

Subject: Rand Paul isn`t running - No April joke

http://blog.libertyconservatives.com/breaking-rand-paul-will-not-run-for-president/

But it was an April Fools joke! Ha ha!

[Pheurton Skeurto]

Guys, check this one out.

Subject: Rand Paul isn`t running - No April joke

http://blog.libertyconservatives.com/breaking-rand-paul-will-not-run-for-president/

But it was an April Fools joke! Ha ha!

roflmfaololwtfbbqbenghazi

[Antonio the Sixth]

My theory of why he's been absent is that he's gotten trapped in his basement.

[Antonio the Sixth]

The greatest poster in forum history blesses us with another one of his insights:

 
 I would like to commend FOX news for their stories on cancer researches using viruses’ to kill the cancer cell, notably, the most recent one of the melanoma type cancer. I am most grateful when illustrating with video of girls in bikinis and not the trending of boys in bikinis. Thanks again to FOX and the importance of girls safety and their bikini’s.   

[Brewer]

Poor dear will have to make do with Biden coming instead and offering her a birthday massage.

[Brewer]

Context:

jao

[Antonio the Sixth]

Context:

jao

Jao is always funny, regardless of context.

[IceSpear]

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[Brewer]

Context:

jao

Jao is always funny, regardless of context.

Fair enough.

[Antonio the Sixth]

Context:

jao

Jao is always funny, regardless of context.

Fair enough.

Proof:

jao

[retromike22]

It's true Fast and Furious was a truly terrible crime against humanity, but I don't really see it being Obama's fault.  Plus, Paul Walker already paid his price.

[Morning in Atlas]

This is a perplexing subject for me. I turn 27 this year, so I don't even really fit into the "18-25" demographic anymore, but the very reason I identify with the Republican Party is because of how extreme the Democratic Party has gotten.

Let's say when I was becoming a teenager, around the time of Bush vs. Gore in 2000, I heard extremely profane lyrics on the radio. I would think, "This stuff is vulgar, maybe kids shouldn't have to hear this crap." Now...George Bush the Republican would agree with me. But so would Al and Tipper Gore, the Democrat. See? Even though one was Republican and one was Democrat, certain common sense things (The Defense of Marriage Act, signed by Democrat Clinton) would keep everyone in agreement.

In 2004, I thought Gay Marriage was pushing boundaries too far. President Bush, the Republican, had an official position against it. But so did the Democratic nominee, John Kerry.

When I was a kid, it didn't matter who was in the White House, D.A.R.E. programs and the importance of staying off drugs was applauded. It didn't matter if you were Ronald Reagan or Bill Clinton or George Bush or Al Gore. Now? We have a party that wishes to make drugs legal and a President who openly has joked about drug legalization. How disgusting is that? THAT'S normal? That's not the Democratic Party I knew as a kid.

Do you get what I'm saying? Yes...being a Republican does make you more close-minded, maybe the harsh reality makes you come across cold-hearted. But I'd much rather be a more traditional conservative then take this drastic far left leap into unknown territory.

It didn't matter what party was in the White House when I was growing up, because Clinton, Reagan, or either Bush, you knew it was "One Nation Under God", you knew it was "Just say no to drugs". You knew it was "One man and one woman."

Today's Democratic Party doesn't feel any of that. That terrifies me. THAT is too extreme. I'd rather be with the party of the mainstream than with a radical party which currently is what the Democrats are. To me, the Republican Party is pretty much the same that it's been all my life.

[King]

The moderate gift that keeps moderately giving.

To be clear: I'm not saying that I actually agree that those 4 things are impeachment worthy. I don't. I was just listing them since Monarch seemed unsure of what charges were being levied against Obama.

[Joe Republic]

That was only moderately amusing.

[Oakvale]

An apt term directed against our Hedonistic Whiggish elite who thinks the current brand of secular humanistic atomistic individualism and neoliberal economics is the cutting edge wave of human history.