The Adventures of Hobo Orgy Guy and Blondie
Episode 38 (2x18) "There Is No Such Thing As Luck"Winfield's bunker, large storage bay interior
[Many of the moderators are here, milling around nervously, as Mr. Moderate, on the phone with a federal agent, negotiates the moderators' surrender to authorities.]Mr. Moderate:
Very well.....yes, of course we agree.
[Moderate hangs up the phone.]Master Jedi:
How did it go?Mr. Moderate:
Fine. I mean, as fine as can be expected. We're fugitives. We don't have a whole lot of leverage here.
Winfield's robots are nearly all destroyed. Now, he had some human loyalists in the city, but they've scattered to the wind, after the big firefight last night. The city is largely pacified, and the military is moving in to take it over, including this fortress. They should be here within the hour, and we've agreed to hand over command of this facility to them.
Beet's still holding all the prisoners we took yesterday, so we've got that. We've agreed to turn over all of them to the feds. We'll stay here and hold Winfield on mod review for the next five days, and then surrender him for trial. We'll face charges for everything we've done as well, though they may go easy on us.....given that we helped to save this city from nuclear annihilation, and also delivered to them the mastermind of the insurgency.
And of course, we surrender the Atlas too. With the federal government now able to use the demographic info in the Atlas, the hope is that they'll mop up the Islamic insurgency relatively quickly. Assuming they can get Dave's help to interpret it.
How is Dave, by the way?Master Jedi:
He should recover. That Irish Setter gave him some sort of drug that helped bring him back to (nearly) full health, which he claims will revitalize him, and allow him to remain young and live a long, full life. Unfortunately, Bushie.....I mean....."Hog" was too far gone for that.Winfield's bunker, infirmary
[In one bed, we see Hog, apparently close to death after his experience with the reactor core. Blondie and Inks are by his bedside, while Seamus and Twister hang back in the back of the room. In another bed, ignored by everyone at the moment, is the still-unconscious Bushie (the past version of Hog).]Inks:
(to Hog) I'm sorry Bushie......er, "Hog". Sorry about how I spoke to you all those years ago on the forum. I guess I didn't always treat you as well as I should have on Update.
But I was only trying to help you.
Also, regarding my brief tenure as your lawyer all those years ago....sorry that I wasn't able to get you back to the US. If I had, then maybe you wouldn't be here now, dying.Hog:
(his voice weak) Don't worry about it Inks. I know you did your best.
(turns to Blondie) And I'm sorry to you J.J......Blondie. I should have been a better pet owner all those years ago.Blondie:
Don't worry about it.Hog:
It's funny. I'm moments away from being accepted into heaven, and all I can think of is my sweet Lupita, who I'll finally see there after all these years. And our daughter. I wish I'd had a chance to raise her. It saddens me somewhat that the family line will end with me, and I'll never know the joy of being a father, but at least I'll get to see my daughter when I reach paradise.
At least....I think I will. I don't actually know the Bible's stance on the souls of deceased infants who never get a chance to accept Jesus Christ as their savior.
But no one can blame me for my ignorance about that. Everyone has to agree with the truth that it's not my fault.
[beat, as Blondie and Inks don't know how to respond to that]Hog:
Goodbye. I know that God has been preparing me for this my whole life, as he knew all the hairs on my head before I was born. My life was not a shambles, and it did deal me some blows...many of which I inflicted on myself. But I have no reason to be ashamed. And I'm glad that, in the end, I was able to prove myself as an Atlas moderator, and that I made a difference.
make a difference, and no one is allowed to say otherw--
[Hog's speech sputters to an end, as the life finally drains out of him. The others in the room look on, stunned. A tiny tear wells up in Blondie's eye.
But Blondie's gaze then moves over to Bushie's unconscious (but still breathing) body.]Blondie:
(to Seamus) So...Bushie here...he's now fated to go back in time, live several years as a hobo--as "Hog"--and then travel through time with me so that he can die here in this room, at this moment?Seamus:
Yes, he is. But we'll sort that out soon.
Look, I'm sorry for your loss everyone, but based on the last status report from the moderators, it sounds like US authorities will be here shortly, and I'd prefer to be elsewhere when they arrive. Blondie, shall we go? After we get back to the Xerox lab, I can send you back to your own time, if that's what you still want. I'll just call up Muon, and--Twister:
I'd like to go with you to that lab, if that's all right with you. The authorities may also have some uncomfortable questions for me, which I'd prefer not to answer right now.Seamus:
I'm sorry, but we're going to the lab by using Muon's "spacetime device", and it tends to cause irreversible memory loss in humans. It wouldn't be safe for you.Twister:
Yes it would.Seamus:
Just trust me. It's perfectly safe for me.
[Seamus stares at him in disbelief.]Twister:
I'll explain everything once we've jumped back to your lab, but we should get out of here quickly. I'll take the risk.Seamus:
[Seamus motions for Blondie and Twister to move over to the bed with Bushie. He then sends a signal through his phone to Muon, and the four of them disappear in a flash, leaving Inks alone in the room with Hog's corpse.
But Inks is not alone for long. A young female army private soon enters the room.]Private:
Hello? Anyone in here?
[She sees Hog's corpse lying on a bed.]Private:
I figured. (Her tone is disappointed.) They said he'd be in here, and that he was so close to death that we might not make it in time.Inks:
I'm sorry, but who are you, and what's going on?Private:
This facility has been surrendered to the United States Army. We're conducting a security sweep, but I had to stop off here myself.
Is it true? Is that man--I mean, was that man BushOklahoma? The Oklahoma fugitive who escaped to Kenya about 15 years ago?
[Inks looks back at Hog's body.]Inks:
Yeah, that's him.Private:
Well, I'm sorry that it had to end like this for him. I know what he did was wrong, and I can't condone anyone breaking the law......but I always appreciated his missionary spirit. Bringing Oklahoma values to the people of Kenya.
I'm originally Oklahoman myself, and I actually joined up with the army just last year, in the hopes that now-President Naso's Mars project would get off the ground (pardon the pun), and that I'd be able to go there some day.
I've actually learned a lot about Mars from CNN International, and I feel such a strong connection there, that I practically think of myself as an American-Martian. I sure would love to do missionary work there some day.Inks:
What is it?Inks:
Eh, never mind. I'm sure your parents are very proud.Private:
(sheepishly) Actually, I never knew my father. I'm embarrassed to say that my mother was a hobo, and she conceived me about 20 years ago in an......in an orgy. Conceived on Indepedence Day if you'd believe it, since they say my father had a fetish for doing it on July 4th.
My father was another hobo, and I never even learned his name. I'm not proud of it, but God doesn't make mistakes. He knew every hair on my head even before I was born.
In any case, I did manage to pull myself up by my bootstraps and make into the army, with hard work and determination.
[Inks looks back at Hog's corpse.]Inks:
Well, whoever your father was, and wherever he might be right now......I'm sure he'd be very proud of you.
[The Private also takes a good look at Hog's corpse.]Private:
We'd better do something about that body. It's starting to remind me of when I leave the fruit out too long.
[Inks lights up at this comment, and begins to interrogate her.]Inks:
Ah, so you leave your fruit out to rot, huh? How many fruits and vegetables do you eat each day? How much exercise do you get? What color is your urine?Secret underground Xerox lab, interior
[Muon and PiT are present, and Muon has just pressed some buttons on a control panel responsible for activating the spacetime device. Seamus, Blondie, Twister, and the unconscious Bushie now materialize in front of them.
Muon takes a look at Twister.]Muon2:
And who is this mystery man who insisted on taking a trip courtesy of the spacetime device, despite its effects on human memory?Twister:
I can assure you that my memory's fine, Muon. But you might be better able to recognize me in my original form.
[Twister shapeshifts into the form of "The Professor", who we saw in Episode 30.
Muon gasps in reaction to the person he sees before him.]Muon2:
No, it can't be true, can it?The Professor:
It is true, Muon. "Aizen" and "Twister" were always just alter egos--disguises that I invented to suit my agenda.Seamus:
I don't understand Muon. How do you recognize this man? Who is he?The Professor:
I suppose I should introduce myself. I haven't actually shown many people this version of myself for quite a while, since I faked my death way back in the 80s.
I'm Muon's thesis advisor from his PhD work at Brandeis.....Professor Diktor
[Everyone stares back at him in amazement.]The Professor:
Come on everyone, get your jaws up off the floor. Staring like an idiot won't help you get girls.
TO BE CONTINUED….