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3251  Forum Community / Forum Community / Re: A letter of congratulations to President Obama, 8 words/post. on: January 20, 2013, 07:08:40 pm
except for the cowboy from Texas who was

somehow even worse than you, but at least
3252  Forum Community / Forum Community / Re: A letter of congratulations to President Obama, 8 words/post. on: January 20, 2013, 04:28:21 pm
he is getting irrationally emotional, even more than
3253  General Politics / Individual Politics / Re: Oklahoma vs. Texas on: January 20, 2013, 01:58:03 pm
"Say, do you want to know how Texas keeps from falling into the ocean?"

"I don't know, how does Texas keep from falling into the ocean?"

"Oklahoma sucks!"
3254  General Politics / U.S. General Discussion / Re: The next state to recognize same-sex marriages... on: January 20, 2013, 01:30:48 pm
I don't see how NJ doesn't already have gay marriage.  The rights are the same (or so I believe), there are surely ceremonies where a priest/friend/whatever declares 2 people to be spouses... so what if the certificate doesn't say "marriage"?

I think Minnesota will be the next state to officially recognize gay marriage for the first time. 





There was a bill that Christie vetoed that allowed gay marriage. He probably vetoed it so he could stand a chance being president, he might actually support it.
3255  Forum Community / Forum Community / A letter of congratulations to President Obama, 8 words/post. on: January 20, 2013, 01:24:24 pm
Dear Mr. President,

Congratulations on a second term.
3256  Forum Community / Forum Community / Re: New Opinion of Previous Poster's Signature Thread on: January 20, 2013, 02:36:27 am
I agree.
3257  General Discussion / Religion & Philosophy / Re: How much of the Hebrew Bible can be taken as fact? on: January 20, 2013, 12:26:52 am
Jacob, Isaac, and Abraham are quite real.  They did not live to the age as given in Genesis,

you were around to witness the length of their lifespans?  wow, you must be really old

Abraham did not live to be 175, Isaac to 137, and Jacob at 147.

Why are you disbelieving your own text? Why are you not factoring miracles into your beliefs?
3258  About this Site / The Atlas / Ban GeorgianGirl on: January 20, 2013, 12:24:10 am
She posted Scat and bumps old threads.
3259  Forum Community / Off-topic Board / Re: The New Pony Thread on: January 19, 2013, 02:14:41 pm
Well, I saw it. It's a very polarizing episode. But anyway.... (spoilers)










DISCORD'S TURNED GOOD*!!!!!


*Most of the time



(Fluttershy needs to see if her skills can work on Congress.)
3260  Forum Community / Off-topic Board / Re: Opinion of New Mexico on: January 18, 2013, 03:21:57 pm

Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop
You know the place
well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy

Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning
My mother would make me a big bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast

Awww - Big bowl of sauerkraut
Every single morning
It was driving me crazy

I said to my mom
I said "Hey, mom, what's with all the sauerkraut?"
And my dear, sweet mother
She just looked at my like a cow looks at an oncoming train
And she leaned right down next to me
And she said

"IT'S GOOD FOR YOU"

And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth
And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty six and a half years old

That's when I swore that someday
Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place
Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer
And the towels are oh so fluffy
Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long
And anyone on the street will glady shave your back for a nickel

Wacka wacka doodoo yeah

Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true
Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest
To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt
I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize
That's right, a first class one-way ticket to

Albuquerque
Albuquerque

Oh yeah
You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before
And I gotta tell ya, it was really great
Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor
And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time
The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts
And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore
And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out
And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside
And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died
Except for me
You know why?

'Cause I had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position

Ah ha ha ha
Ah ha ha
Ah

So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage
I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days
Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag
And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball
And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel
But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn
Where the towels are oh so fluffy
And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna
It's OK, they're clean

Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C
And I turned on the SpectraVision
And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow
That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door

Well now, who could that be?
I say "Who is it?"
No answer
"Who is it?"
There's no answer
"WHO IS IT?"
They're not sayin' anything

So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected
It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril
Oh man, I hate it when I'm right
So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel
And I'm like "Hey, you can't have that"
"That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me"
And he's like "Tough"
And I'm like "Give it"
And he's like "Make me"
And I'm like "'Kay"
So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus
And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows
And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation
Yes indeed, you better believe it
And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook
And twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice
And you know what it said?
I'll tell you what it said

It said
"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"
"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"
"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"
"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"

In Albuquerque
Albuquerque

Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel
But I made a a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest
I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice
But first, I decided to buy some donuts

So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop
And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter
And he says "Yeah, what do ya want?"
I said "You got any glazed donuts?"
He said "No, we're outta glazed donuts"
I said "Well, you got any jelly donuts?"
He said "No, we're outta jelly donuts"
I said "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?"
He said "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts"
I said "You got any cinnamon rolls?"
He said "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls"
I said "You got any apple fritters?"
He said "No, we're outta apple fritters"
I said "You got any bear claws?"
He said "Wait a minute, I'll go check"
"No, we're outta bear claws"
I said "Well, in that case - in that case, what do you have?"
He says "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels"
I said "OK, I'll take that"

So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out
And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over
(rabid gnawing sounds)
Oh man, they were just going nuts
They were tearin' me apart
You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head"
I believe it went a little something like this . . .

Doh
Get 'em off me
Get 'em off me
Oh
No, get 'em off, get 'em off
Oh, oh God, oh God
Oh, get 'em off me
Oh, oh God
Ah, (more screaming)

I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face
Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin'
Like a constipated weiner dog
And as luck would have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams
Her name was Zelda
She was a calligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches
I'll never forget the first thing she said to me.
She said "Hey, you've got weasels on your face"

That's when I knew it was true love
We were inseparable after that
Aw, we ate together, we bathed together
We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss
The world was our burrito
So we got married and we bought us a house
And had two beautiful children - Nathaniel and Superfly
Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah

But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me
She said "Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?"
I said "Woah, hold on now, baby"
"I'm just not ready for that kinda commitment"
So we broke up and I never saw her again
But that's just the way things go

In Albuquerque
Albuquerque

Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me
Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream
That's right, I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler
I even made employee of the month after I put that grease fire out with my face
Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that
I was gettin' a lot of attitude

OK, like one time, I was out in the parking lot
Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil
When I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself
So I, I say to him, I say "Hey, you want me to help you with that?"
And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes
"No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw"

So I did

And then he gets all indignant on me
He's like "Hey man, I was just being sarcastic"
Well, that's just great
How was I supposed to know that?
I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud
Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname - Torso-Boy
So what's he complaining about?

Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote
This guy comes up to me on the street and says he hasn't had a bite in three days
Well, I knew what he meant
But just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein
And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over
And I'm like "Hey, come on, don't you get it?"
But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming
(screaming sounds)
You know, just completely missing the irony of the whole situation
Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?

Anyway, um, um, where was I?
Kinda lost my train of thought

Uh, well, uh, OK
Anyway I, I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it
But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is

I hate sauerkraut

That's all I'm really tryin' to say
And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up
And find yourself in an existential quandary
Full of loathing and self-doubt
And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence
At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that
Somewhere out there in this crazy mixed-up universe of ours
There's still a little place called

Albuquerque
Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque

I said "A" (A)
"L" (L)
"B" (B)
"U" (U)
"querque" (querque)

Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque!
3261  Forum Community / Off-topic Board / Re: The New Pony Thread on: January 18, 2013, 03:20:44 pm
Bump because this week, DISCORD REFORMS!! (Or not.)

Anyway, I decided to give the show a chance and I caved in.
3262  General Politics / Individual Politics / Re: Opinion of James K. Polk on: January 18, 2013, 03:15:29 pm
While some of his actions may seem morally questionable under a 21st century lens, America is MUCH better off because he was president. FF.
3263  Forum Community / Forum Community / Re: Are the majority of atlasians homosexuals? on: January 18, 2013, 12:06:33 am
I'm not really bisexual

Teenager hormones yadda yadda yadda

How does one become un-bi?
Presumably, you give up on the fantasy of liking both, and accept yourself as you are. In my experience, women are likely to accept themselves ultimately as boring everyday heteros and men are more likely to accept themselves as damn F****s. Not my choice of descriptions for straight girls/gay guys. That's just how I've seen their mental wheels turning, more often that not.

Another member of the "Bisexuals don't exist" crowd?

Also, I'm straight, if any of you were wondering.
3264  General Politics / U.S. General Discussion / Re: Dennis Kucinich Joining Fox News As Paid Contributor on: January 17, 2013, 03:50:13 pm
An anti-war socialist is contributing for the most biased news network out there, in the opposite of his favor?

I call shennanigans.
3265  Forum Community / Forum Community / Re: Are the majority of atlasians homosexuals? on: January 17, 2013, 03:43:17 pm
As you can see, I live in Texas, where coming out is poison.

Surely not in the Independent State of Austin?

I'd say 1 in 3 Atlas posters would do the dirty with a member of the same sex.
[/quote]

I don't live in Austin. Or any of the major cities.
3266  Forum Community / Forum Community / Re: The Comedy Goldmine on: January 17, 2013, 01:35:41 am
"An openly gay woman will be elected to the senate in Wisconsin."

Beating a former Governor, to boot.

Considering that Wilma was not only the most sensible person on The Flintstones, but one of the most sensible characters on TV in the 1960s, why wouldn't the voters choose someone who knows how to have a gay old time?

Yabba Dabba Doo!
3267  Forum Community / Forum Community / Re: Are the majority of atlasians homosexuals? on: January 16, 2013, 08:00:47 pm
Why do you hate college? Too many gays?

Because my life has been miserable ever since I first enrolled. That and I don't have enough time to be more of a slacker than I already am.

I don't really care if there are any gays in college. As you can see, I live in Texas, where coming out is poison.
3268  Forum Community / Forum Community / Are the majority of atlasians homosexuals? on: January 16, 2013, 01:32:24 pm
Or bisexuals who prefer the same sex like 20RP12.

Anyway, after seeing T-Fed say that straight atlasians are a minority, is it really true?
3269  Presidential Elections - Analysis and Discussion / 2012 U.S. Presidential Election Results / Re: Vote counting update thread on: January 16, 2013, 10:33:38 am
How about now?
3270  Forum Community / Forum Community / Re: What ad is on the top of your Atlas screen right now? on: January 15, 2013, 06:21:47 pm
Handgun Training Course

www.frontsight.comGet

 A CCW Permit In Any State. Try 3 Days of Focused Training.
3271  Forum Community / Forum Community / Re: What ad is on the top of your Atlas screen right now? on: January 14, 2013, 01:26:26 am
Political Mgmt Master's
politicalmanagement.gspmonline.comEarn Your Political Management Master's at GW. Get More Info!
3272  General Discussion / History / Re: Will LBJ's reputation ever be rehabilitated? on: January 12, 2013, 04:08:00 pm
I went to look up presidential rankings, and on average:

Nixon: # 32
Johnson:  #14/43 (Tied with Monroe and Obama[This is probably because there has only been 1 ranking with him in the chart, and he was 15th, for some bizzare reason.] )

Since you mentioned Truman, his place is #7 on average.

All data is from here.


So Johnson does have a reasonable reputation.
3273  Forum Community / Forum Community / Re: The Comedy Goldmine on: January 10, 2013, 01:11:21 pm
3274  General Politics / U.S. General Discussion / Re: It's the 100th birthday of America's Most corrupt President!(Richard Nixon) on: January 10, 2013, 01:05:44 pm
If Nixon isn't the most corrupt president ever, then who is?
3275  General Politics / U.S. General Discussion / Re: It's the 100th birthday of America's Most corrupt President!(Richard Nixon) on: January 10, 2013, 09:35:19 am
None of the other presidents were corrupt people. Not even Grant, Harding, and Bush.
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