Update XX: A Darn Good Judge of My Financial Situation

[Joe Republic]

Memphis, what's wrong with extending the lease in Tulsa?  I live in Tulsa.  Where else would I live in Tulsa?  It's not unbelievable.  It's smart.

You live wherever you work, typically.  Where exactly is that again?

[Joe Republic]

It's time to go on another hiatus.

See you on Thursday.

[Joe Republic]

I'm not going to consume an entire 2 liter.  I can't do that in one sitting.  The best I can do is about a third.  Plus, it's the Super Bowl.  I'm not going to diet on Super Bowl Sunday.

Nor should you!  Jesus would never have wanted you to starve yourself on one of His holiest days of rest.

[Joe Republic]

Hallelujah!  Happy Super Bowl Sunday, everyone!  Praise Him!

[Joe Republic]

Dare I ask what happened to the leftover slices?  No, let me guess:  Breakfast tomorrow?

[Joe Republic]

The flu is especially deadly in Oklahoma this year.  We have lost almost 60 people to the flu including several young children.

If God can take away flu symptoms if he wants, then the question becomes, why doesn't He want to take away Bushie's? Has Bushie angered Him? Wait... you guys don't think... oh god no, Bushie have you briefly relaxed lately?!

Maybe He wants to teach me a lesson?  Most of the time, He doesn't take illnesses away on our timing, but His timing is perfect and there is always a reason to the suffering.

What was the lesson He was teaching those young children?

[Joe Republic]

Who was the other person to vote 'No' in the poll?

[Joe Republic]

Uh oh.  I'm concerned that when his microwave meals instruct him to "ensure that meal is piping hot throughout", he's eating it at room temperature.

[Joe Republic]

Bushie's posts are like a time machine directly into the past.

[Joe Republic]

Bushie do you believe Satan planted fossils in the ground to trick us into not believing the bible?

I said we have reached the end of the conversation.

[Joe Republic]

I was not going to fall for that scheme.  I'm too smart for that.

You should probably have got J-Mann and Smash to double check though, just to be certain.

[Joe Republic]

I was not going to fall for that scheme.  I'm too smart for that.

You should probably have got J-Mann and Smash to double check though, just to be certain.

I am not an idiot, Joe.

Twenty seasons of Update provide plenty of evidence to the contrary.  Whoops, sorry, 'evidence' is a scary word for creationists.

[Joe Republic]

I don't even call President Obama's Christianity as fake as many of my conservative friends have.

I do!

Has anyone else connected the dots to realize that Jeff would probably support the annual purge from The Purge?

I don't know about Jeff, but I know his dad sure would!  He'd be counting down the days all year, sharpening or cleaning his weapon of choice while his son continues to drain his retirement savings.

[Joe Republic]

There's one in Tampa Bay: https://www.truefirefitness.com/

Their website says they're the only one, which is crazy considering the girth of the churchy set. Seems like a zillion dollar business opportunity. I'm kind of curious as the efficacy of their model, but that's the trouble with the faith based approach. Those sorts of data points are not what their potential customers are seeking.

Nah, I'm not surprised they're the only one.  Obesity has never struck me as even being seen as a problem for churchy Southerners.  I'm sure it's seen as an exhibition of how they have truly appreciated the glorious bounties that have been provided unto them.  The fatter they are, the more they must love Jesus.

[Joe Republic]

"I will also start my water consumption tomorrow."

Do you realize how unbelievable it sounds that a "grown" human being is making that statement?

Yes, I know.  It is what it is, though.  At least it sounds better than a grown man saying water is evil.

Oh, are there people that say that or are you just giving yourself a totally unwarranted pat on the back (which does not count as exercise, all things considered)?

There must be thousands of people all over Oklahoma who say water is evil on a regular basis.  It started when the water coming out of their faucet caught on fire which meant Satan was involved somehow.

[Joe Republic]

It is midnight Saturday morning.  I have exactly 24 hours and ticking until my diet officially begins.

You keep saying "I will," over and over, just as you have for literally years. You can't and wont, Jeff. And even if you make some half-hearted attempt for a few days, you'll give up. It's not in your makeup to be successful. You're already making excuses, since you realize you have the body of a [morbidly obese] 80-year-old but are holding off on starting to make change until some arbitrary date hits.

Focus your energy on something you may actually be able to do: find a job and pray that it has health insurance that's worth a [Braums].

Let's give bushie a chance. He's committed to starting his diet 23 hours from now, let's not assume he will just automatically break that commitment. Sure, I get that his past track record is a disaster. But perhaps this time he's actually caring.

New to Update, aren't you?

[Joe Republic]

Ah, the sight of Our Dear Friend, strolling through the aisles of Walmart, basket tucked under his arm, picking out only the freshest of fruits, vegetables and meats. Sounds like something right out of a Disney movie.

Strolling?  I have to assume Bushie uses the Wal-Karts.

And "basket tucked under arm" is another one.  I've been to Fatmart a bunch of times and have never seen anything as restrained as a basket.  Pile those carts high!

[Joe Republic]

Congratulations on achieving the same level of walking effort as a below average human on any given day!  👍

[Joe Republic]

I was looking for the green beans, but I couldn't find them and it was really crowded, so I went to the salad bar and picked up a bell pepper and some celery.

Wait, a bell pepper?  As in; a whole bell pepper?  Was it at least sliced?  Or did you just munch on it like an apple?

[Joe Republic]

In fairness, we got onto the chili subject because he was asked what else (if anything) he could already cook; not necessarily healthy diet food.

So yeah, don't cook chili during this diet phase, Bushie.  Especially with f[Inks]ing Fritos in it wtf

[Joe Republic]

http://www.amazon.com/Jesus-Religion-Better-Trying-Harder/dp/149151146X

E-commerce majors, amirite?

But he wants to help support small Mom & Pop brick-and-mortar Main Street stores, such as Target.

[Joe Republic]

^ This bodes well.

[Joe Republic]

Once again, Bushie lied to us.  Surprise surprise.