1928 Presidential Election

[H.E. VOLODYMYR ZELENKSYY]

*washes the blood off of him* The Bull-Moose Convention of 1928, with its deadlock between the progressive and conservative factions, was in fact the least interesting of the three as Hiram Johnson peacefully conceded to Al Smith as he wiped the tears from his eyes; the latter throwing the progressive movement a bone by picking isolationist lion Willy B. as his running mate. The two are not necessarily friends or even ideologically similar, however, divided along such issues as prohibition (against and for, respectively) and Tammany Hall (Borah has in the past accused Smith of being too friendly thereto), but Smith is hoping that maybe his popularity with immigrants and a few overtures to progressivism could steal a few votes from Wheeler.

At the WP convention, the coronation of King Burton was rather rudely interrupted by a swell of ex-Populists blocking the Vice President's own choice to fill the seat he was about to vacate: instead of Pittsburgh priest and two-term Congressman James R. Cox, a close friend of Wheeler's, the racist wing of the party forced also-ran J. Thomas Heflin on him, which has led to some uneasy campaign rallies as Heflin tries to awkwardly work the time he killed a black man into every speech, like "Vice President Wheeler supports universal health care, which would probably have saved that black man I shot." For his part, Wheeler is trying his best to pretend that Heflin won't be a heartbeat away from the Presidency and has started eating more healthily and exercising every day, all while making speeches on Native American rights and labor unions.

The Union Convention was even more exciting than the other two combined, as the consensus nominee (Treasury Secretary Andrew Mellon) was found to have been filling the WP convention hall with fake Cox supporters for reasons not yet adequately explained. With no nominees at hand to spice up the ticket and add a little flair around, Henry Ford hired his lawyer from that one time he got sued for being too anti-Semitic, who just so happens to be a WP Senator. While some have stated that maybe extreme anti-Semitism isn't the way to go and maybe he should talk about his business success and consumer-based economic model, Ford is mostly talking about how the Jews run the media and all that (though he has allowed his speechwriters to rewrite all the really offensive bits, resulting in such choice quotes as "The goddamn decreases in the price of goods and subsequent increase in consumer buying power ruined baseball, I tell you!").

Whatever happens, this'll be a wild ride.

[H.E. VOLODYMYR ZELENKSYY]

On another note, this is the first election where I haven't voted Union in 80 years.

When was the last one? 1864?

[H.E. VOLODYMYR ZELENKSYY]

Both members of the Bull-Moose ticket have E. as their middle initial, clearly something sinister is afoot.

It's probably some Catholic plot.

[H.E. VOLODYMYR ZELENKSYY]

...Y'all do realize that Heflin isn't running for president, right? Wheeler's still got 50 years left.

[H.E. VOLODYMYR ZELENKSYY]

What is this? 67 percent for Smith. P'Jesus...

Leftists, like me, holding their nose and voting for Smith because Wheeler's running mate is an asshole.

He's not going to be President, though. Am I the only one here who pays attention to death dates? Hell, we should be starting this whole shebang over from 1896 if we're going to get into the nitty-gritty.

[H.E. VOLODYMYR ZELENKSYY]

So...

that happened.

[H.E. VOLODYMYR ZELENKSYY]

We are experiencing technical difficulties.  Please stand by while our Burton Wheeler points a handgun at J. Thomas Heflin attempting to yell "You like that, you ing son of a bitch? You ing like that?" through the tears.

[H.E. VOLODYMYR ZELENKSYY]

This is beautiful. :')

Reminder that we already had a dirty papist on the throne in the form of Nate the Great.

[H.E. VOLODYMYR ZELENKSYY]

This is beautiful. :')

Reminder that we already had a dirty papist on the throne in the form of Nate the Great.

However, then, our work had but just begun. Now, though... NOW!

It didn't have to be Al Smith. We could have settled for all three Kennedys in a row ('61-'63, '63-'63, '68-'72), but I guess now that we've gotten our token Catholic in Malcolm and I can activate Plan A.

[H.E. VOLODYMYR ZELENKSYY]

This is beautiful. :')

Reminder that we already had a dirty papist on the throne in the form of Nate the Great.

However, then, our work had but just begun. Now, though... NOW!

It didn't have to be Al Smith. We could have settled for all three Kennedys in a row ('61-'63, '63-'63, '68-'72), but I guess now that we've gotten our token Catholic in Malcolm and I can activate Plan A.

Uh oh... The Vatican won't let you get away with this nonsense.

Antipopes John XXIV, Robert, and Edward will surely have my head.