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Author Topic: The Never Ending Americana Story (Death certificate issued)  (Read 94971 times)
Abdul the Damned
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« Reply #2675 on: December 28, 2011, 08:46:31 am »
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Franklin Delano Dent

Born February 8, 1952 in Mobile, Alabama, to Ralph Emerson Dent and his second wife, Celia Winton Dent. He have one full sister, Chastity (born 1958), and is a half-brother of U.S. President Jefferson Dent.

In result of marrying (and, subsequently, converting himself) a Catholic, Ralph Emerson Dent and his younger children were furiously and very formally disowned by Winfield Scott Dent.

A devoted Catholic himself, Franklin entered seminary and became priest, serving in various parishes thorough the South, before becoming Auxiliary Bishop of Archdiocese of Mobile in 1992.

Bishop Dent considers his half-brother to be a poor, troubled soul that need guidance. President Dent, of course, believes his half-brother is severely mentally challenged.
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« Reply #2676 on: December 28, 2011, 10:53:42 am »
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Freddy Kraeger's Base of Operations:

Kraeger puts a cigar to his lips and then laughs.
Kraeger: Hahahaha!!!!  That faggot thought he could put me down with that fakeass ad?
Brent Kerlwood, his chief advisor, speaks up.
Kerlwood: Again, with the "faggot" word!  Is it really necessary sir?
Kraeger: Oh come on!  Don't start that conversation again: "that's the n-word equivalent for gays!!!"  I'm sorry, I had no idea that "faggot" was a word for slaves!
Kerlwood: That's an extremely dishonest argument-
Kraeger: No it's not kraut head!  Oh let me guess you one of them easily offended morons who think that hatred resides in a single word?  Well you're wrong!  Wrong...wrong.....wrong!!!!!
Charles Manning, his legal counsel, speaks up.
Manning: Besides, there is no proof that Mr. Wellstone is indeed a homosexual.  i would advise that any further strategies be based on what we know and not on what we don't know.
Kraeger: Isn't it time for your Guinness break?
Manning: Isn't it time for you to remove your head out of your ass?
Kraeger gives him the finger.
Manning opens his briefcase and drops a few files on the table.
Manning: So I've heard that the CMC or whatever they're called are not at all happy with the latest ad.  They insist that your latest attack ad was full on defamation.
Kraeger: Fuck 'em.  This is a free country I'll say what I want.
Manning: I told you that ad would be controversial.  I also warned you that the CMC is filled to the brim with lawyers who are just itching to catch you off guard.  Here, read this.
Manning hands Kraeger the docket.  Kraeger reads the front page and chuckles.
Kraeger: This is cute.  However, I don't see how this is even a case.  If anything we would have a case against them due to their insanely inaccurate statements on my death penalty position.
Manning: These people aren't usual reactionaries Fred!  In fact these are progressives, progressive trial lawyers!  If we wage a war against our own kind it isn't going to look good.
Kraeger: They're not our own kind. They are full on traitors.  WE must let the people know about them.  They are a front for Wellston-
Manning: Are you sure?
Kraeger: I'm sorry, what?
Manning: Are you fuckin' kidding me?
Kraeger: Okay no, I didn't know.  But it's pretty obvious isn't it
Manning: You think it's that fuckin' simple you fuucking retard!!!
Kraeger looks at Kerlwood.
Kraeger: You think I'm un-PC?
Kerlwood: Sir, I ought to let you know that the word "retard" is a very offensive and slanderous word for the mentally disabled.  I am very shocked, very offended, and very appalled by your us-
Manning: SHUT THE FUCK UP GAY BOY!  NOBODY GIVES A RAT'S ASS SHIT ABOUT YOUSE OPINION!
Kraeger: Releasing the inner angry Irishman aren't we?
Manning: Don't you understand?  We are fucked.  We are buttfucked so hawd it would be luck if they identified our bodies on the six O'clock news.  Youse moron Fred, youse think you can just throw insinuations into campaign ads and there be no repercussions?  Well you're wrong alright?  These people aren't Duluthans.  They are snakes.  Like Paul Wellstone.  That man is such an expert at getting outrage to work in his favor.  Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if they use this momentum to turn Mondale against us.
Kraeger: Don't worry, Fritz is on our side.  Believe me, Dent said he would be.
Manning: If Dent told you to suck his dick would you do it?
Kraeger: No you faggot!
Kerlwood: Again with the words......
Manning: Go cruise a sailor already!
Kerlwood walks out of the office and gets a cup of coffee.
Manning: Damn that guy makes me cringe.  It isn't that he's y'know homosexual.  God knows I'm used to them lot after my wife brings home her faggot art buddies home.  Man the scent of the fags, gives me a headache.
Kraeger: I know.  Alyssa is the same way.  Though they aren't horrible.  I prefer them to say an uglier lot......Republican social conservatives.
Manning: I guess.  But it's not like me wife is coming home every Tuesday and Thursday night with bible thumping protestants who chastise me about the alcohol cabinet in our kitchen.  The artsy fags, however, come to our home at least two nights a week.  Thank god my mother lives across the street and not hers.  Her whole family is obsessed with the art fags.  It's like watching Six Degrees of Separation really.
Kraeger: I always wondered how a self assured mick like yourself could be a lawyer, considering the bleedingheart politically correct pussywhipped mentality that exists in that field.
Manning chuckles.
Manning: I always wondered how a politically incorrect super liberal like yourself could get elected Mayor of Duluth.  Especially considering the blue collar union dominance.
Kraeger picks up a glass in a toast.
Kraeger: Salut.
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« Reply #2677 on: December 28, 2011, 01:29:54 pm »
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At School in Cheyenne
HW: Kids! I'm coolest governor of America, and I can prove it!
*puts on a cowboy hat*
*in one gulp empties a bottle of beer*
*takes an a electroguitar, plays Black Sabbath - Paranoid*
HW: YYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAH! *throws guitar in a hall*
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Abdul the Damned
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« Reply #2678 on: December 28, 2011, 06:39:07 pm »
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Mondale: I really can't think about a single occasion Senator Wellstone actually attempted to help the unemployed find a job and improving our welfare. In fact, he's a staunch conservative, opposing every reasonable measure to resolve the problem just "because". He may paint himself as a progressive but, and I'm not kidding, there are a lot of so-called conservative Republicans in the Congress that displayed a genuine concern and willingness to join reform efforts.
Journalist: Does that mean you won't support Senator Wellstone's reelection, Mr. Vice President?
Mondale: In a cold day in hell, and it's just maybe.
Journalist: Are you going to endorse other candidate in DFL primary?
Mondale: I'll cast my vote for Mayor Fred Kraeger of Duluth, who, as compared to his opponent, not only maintained a clear, progressive record during his career, but also never left the Democratic Party in first place.
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« Reply #2679 on: December 28, 2011, 07:30:23 pm »
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Thad O'Connor holds a meeting with his campaign manager at his headquarters in St. Cloud, Minnesota. The man approaches O'Connor, who is lounging in a leather chair while listening to The Doobie Brothers.

"You're just in time, Alex." he said, after quaffing a Jack and Moxie. "I wanted to discuss the status of the campaign with you." Alex, (the campaign manager) mildly lit up, as if he were about to tell a good joke. "You know we've won Iowa, right?" Thad merely nodded. "Yes, and if we'd lost I'd be in the midst of drafting my concession speech. I have brought you here to issue my directives, with hope that you will carry them out with gusto. I want a flurry of ads in the following states," he pauses to raise his hand and number them.

"Maine, Massachusetts, Vermont, Connecticut, Rhode Island, New York, Oregon, Washington, Montana, Wyoming, Minnesota, Arizona, Colorado, Nevada, and Wisconsin. The time to shine is upon us, and I am optimistic of our chances in the Democratic Primary as well." Alex jots in a few words on to a notepad, before responding "Alaska was most encouraging." Thad smirked, saying "Yes, I must say out of all the states I'd expect to vote for me that'd be the last. Well, except for Arkansas, of course."
« Last Edit: December 28, 2011, 07:38:43 pm by Dallasfan65 »Logged

Abdul the Damned
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« Reply #2680 on: December 29, 2011, 06:19:30 am »
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ASKEW UNDECIDED DESPITE GROWING DRAFT MOVEMENT
Gainesville Sun, June 1975


TALLAHASSEE - Gov. Reubin Askew is still undecided about throwing his hat on the ring, despite status of an early frontrunner for the 1976 Democratic presidential nomination, as well as growing number of supporters nationwide.

Recently, Sen. Jefferson Dent (D-Ala.), a leading "young Democrat" in Washington, declared Askew is his first choice. Reubin Askew has been always known as a man of principle and integrity, something this nation needs right now more than ever, Dent said. Furthermore, Governor Askew never backed off from difficult fights for what's right, succeeding in his progressive agenda passed no matter of political risk and yet, he never lost trust of his constituents.

Although field is expected to be wide open, so far only one Democrat declared: former Governor Jimmy Carter of Georgia.
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Abdul the Damned
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« Reply #2681 on: December 29, 2011, 06:26:04 am »
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DENT ENDORSES CARTER AS FIRST OFFICEHOLDER OUTSIDE OF GEORGIA
Washington Post, August 1975.


A long-shot presidential campaign of former Georgia Governor got a boots yesterday, when Senator Jefferson Dent (D-Ala.) became the first officeholder outside of Georgia to endorse him.

Initially, Dent was a part of the "Draft Askew" movement, which failed when Florida Governor declined to run a few weeks ago.

Dent's endorsement is expected to give Carter a boots among so-called "New Democrats" as well as the Black bloc outside of Georgia.
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« Reply #2682 on: December 29, 2011, 07:27:14 pm »
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Daniels speaking in St.Paul
Daniels: I have known Paul Wellstone for a long time, and he is a dedicated public servant who has served the state of Minnesota very well. I think the phrase "If it ain't broke, don't fix it" applies here because Paul Wellstone is one of the best people in the United States Senate. I therefore endorse Paul Wellstone for another term as Senator!
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« Reply #2683 on: January 01, 2012, 02:32:26 am »
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February 7th, 1997

Breaking News: Governor George Gallagher (I-ID) killed in car accident.
Idaho Lt. Governor Eric Sexton speaks following the accident:

"...Today we have lost a great leader and an even greater person. Governor Gallagher believed in Idaho and he believed in America. He dreamt of peace and equality, with every American working together in harmony. Governor Gallagher, his wife and their children were on their way to meet family members for a party, they never made it. Our condolences and prayers are with the Gallagher family in this time of great sorrow. Thank you all and God Bless."
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« Reply #2684 on: January 01, 2012, 03:11:36 am »
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Official Statement from Wilkinson
HW: Gov. Gallagher was one of the few men of courage in American politics. May God bless his soul and his family.
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« Reply #2685 on: January 01, 2012, 07:40:10 pm »
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'Bama Execution Rate Below An Regional Average
Gadsden Times, January 1996

Montgomery - A number of executions performed in Alabama significantly dropped during last five years, as compared to next-door states with busy execution chambers as Florida and Georgia.

Eight convicts were electrocuted during tenure of Gov. Guy Hunt (R-Cullman). In comparison, half of this number were put to death under Gov. Jefferson Dent (D-Mobile), and just two since Gov. Jim Folsom (D-Cullman) took the office following Dent's election to the Presidency in 1992.

Until 1988, the Governor had a sole power to commute death sentence or postpone an execution indefinitely. Under new law, however, his options to grant a stay were limited and he needs a positive recommendation (although not obligatory) from the Parole Board to grant a clemency.

Dent has reduced six death sentences under new law, ignoring a positive recommendation only in a highly controversial case of Sue Bell Cooter. Folsom grant three commutations so far. Both are a self-proclaimed death penalty opponents.

According to some observers, Alabama's new reluctance to apply capital punishment is another sign of transforming the Heart of Dixie into region's most liberal state.
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Abdul the Damned
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« Reply #2686 on: January 02, 2012, 12:23:48 am »
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(Made with Dallas)


Dent: Well, Thad, you'll be glad to hear that according to latest polls, you're actually leading AIDS by two percents in the South.
Thad: All of Dixie? It can't be.
Dent: Don't get too excited about South Carolina. AIDS seems to have well better appeal to the religious right down there.
Thad: The blacks are going hard for Folsom, I'm sure. Big surprise that I've managed to win Alaska...
Dent: I hate to undercut your enthusiasm, but no one really cared about Alaska outside of you.
Thad: Granted. Even I didn't put much work in there though. So, what happened with that guy in Idaho?
Dent: From what I've heard he died in a car accident. If I weren't involved, then it was indeed an accident.
Thad: Conspiracy theorists, eat your hearts out. Shame. Will you make a statement?
Dent: As a matter of propotol, I will. Although I don't think I actually met this guy.
Thad: Good man.
Dent: I got bigger problems right now, to be honest.
Thad: Lay it on me... I've got time.
Dent: Let me tell you a story about some young idiot who joined the navy, visited a distant land, meet a girl, feel in love and took her home... And now I have Saudi embassy all over my back.
Thad: This story sounds familiar...
Dent: Bull.
Thad: The Saudi Princess? I remembered seeing it on the news...
Dent: Oh yes. Now she's in immigration service custory and this idiot will hang. Doesn't solve my problems, though.
Thad: Hm.. surely you can have somebody's ass at customs for this.
Dent: Unfortunately, in this one case, we're living in a world with independent courts. Let's say she's allowed to stay. I can already see the consequences. And the bitch is using really annoying legal precedent.
Thad: Surely something can be done about this. What's the worst that the Saudi's will do, though?
Dent: I've spent last three years cleaning up an epic mess in the Middle East. I really don't want to piss them off with more work to do. Yet, of course, sending her back is just to invite a great scream. Either way I'm getting hit for someone's else actions. If you really want this job, you're a masochist.
Thad: I don't plan on winning, my friend.
Dent: That's very sane. Anyway, what would you do with this case?
Thad: Well, I'm not romantically involved with her, but I would probably let the process run its course. If I were to interfere I'd be seen as imperial president.
Dent: Ah yes, I be an imperial President, there will be a great scream. Not that I didn't get used to this. I do not, there will be other troubles. But, assuming, that decision is solely on your hands, which can ultimately turn true in my case, what'd be your decision?
Thad: I'd probably see to it that she be admitted. Our system is a bit of a mess.
Dent: Well, that's noble. But if decision is ultimately mine, she's going back.
Thad: I respect that.
Dent: Which I personally don't like, considering it's an effective death sentence. I'm tired of killing, but my feelings are least important thing to take into an account.
Thad: Death sentence?!
Dent:: Dude, it's Saudi Arabia, you know.
Thad: She's a princess though, no?
Dent: Well, tell this to one of her cousins in the late 1970s. That the whole problem. It's not just sending some spoiled kid home in order to receive little spanking.
Thad: Granted. The whole situation is rather problematic, so I don't fault you for whatever decision you make.
Dent: As I said she's using a legal precedent about one runaway Saudi Princess that came to the U.S. and was not handed over.
Thad: What a bitch. Has the media gotten hold of this yet?
Dent: And the worst thing is, I created that precedent years ago.
Thad: Do tell?
Dent: It's a lame comparision anyway. First of all, I didn't bang her... yes, yes, no one would ever believe me, but it's truth. Second of all, I meet her in Lebanon. Third of all, she was already running away for very good reasons. I was not some idiot sailor with too much blood in his dick and too little in his brain which landed both in a mess... Yet, I was an idiot too.
Thad: How did you create the precedent?
Dent: Well, didn't want to create any precedent that will haunt me back now. I was just a f**king Senate Majority Whip. You agree my influence was exceeding any influence some retarder Ensing may have.
Thad: Yeah.
Dent: Took me years to built any working relations with the Saudis and now monster I created years ago is back.
Thad: Look at the bright side. You've only got another year or so to deal with this.
Dent: Doesn't work that way. Once you in, you don't think in these terms anymore.
Thad: Legacy?
Dent: More responsibility. You see, I spent many years trying to get there but I don't think there was any joy for me from being President.
Thad: If you'd never accomplished it, I think that would've haunted you worse.
Dent: Another no-win situation. I can't feel much joy when I think back about everything I've done and sacrificed to get here.
Thad: I know you may think otherwise, but I think you should take a few years off after this. It would do you a lot of good.
Dent: I already have an interesting proposal.
Thad: What would that be?
Dent: You'll laugh, but United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees.
Thad: Well, I suppose a low-stress job like that would be just as well.
Dent: Low stress? Dealing with life and death of thousands of refugees all around the globe? Come on.
Thad: I'd imagine that most of the work would be dealt with by staff and personnel?
Dent: In Geneva. But, you know, I can be Senator again, Governor again or just a motherf**ker pulling the strings. Such appointment is eliminating me as a party leader... on the other hand, I kind of want it.
Thad: I'm telling you, the loss of heavy responsibility would be good for you.
Dent: Again, it's a huge responsibility. Also, the reasons I was oferred this were my fame and own political capital, which can be used there. Not because I'm some kind of saint. Yet, if there's any chance for me to move on, it's this.
Thad: Agreed.
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« Reply #2687 on: January 04, 2012, 08:12:12 pm »
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CNN BREAKING NEWS:
Governor of Colorado Kenneth McCormick has been killed in an accident involving a Boeing 747, a plate full of chinese food, 8439 pop-tarts, 6 flammable copies of "To Kill a Mockingbird", 2 ducks, and a garbage can. Lieutenant Governor Stanley Marsh has been sworn in as then new Governor. State Senator Leopold "Butters" Stotch has taken Marsh's place as the new Lieutenant Governor.
(OOC: OH MY GOD, THEY KILLED KENNY! YOU BASTARDS!)
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A man may die, nations may rise and fall, but an idea lives on-John F. Kennedy 1917-1963
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« Reply #2688 on: January 06, 2012, 04:02:44 pm »
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February 8, 1996

Washington - President Dent commuted the death sentence of a former Marine private, convicted of the 1988 rape while stationing in Malta. 34-year old John Walters has been reprieved just two days before he was to be hanged at Leavenworth Prison, Kansas.

This is the third time Dent spared a military death row inmate from gallows since taking office three years ago.
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« Reply #2689 on: January 07, 2012, 02:26:44 am »
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CNN BREAKING NEWS:
Governor of Colorado Kenneth McCormick has been killed in an accident involving a Boeing 747, a plate full of chinese food, 8439 pop-tarts, 6 flammable copies of "To Kill a Mockingbird", 2 ducks, and a garbage can.
HW: Holy s**t! Weirdest death I ever heard since a robber who tried to rob my house ran into a "Claymore".
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Abdul the Damned
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« Reply #2690 on: January 07, 2012, 05:22:11 pm »
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While I strongly believe rape is an especially heinous crime, warranting severe punishment, I do not find appropriate to apply the death penalty in a case when the victim was not killed. This principle has been long established in our civilian law, in result of a landmark Coker v. Georgia case and should apply to military courts as well.

President Dent's statement on commuting the death sentence.
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« Reply #2691 on: January 07, 2012, 05:29:25 pm »
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When I'm President, those repugnant criminals won't get an easy way as I won't interfere with court verdicts for some frivolous reasons. Mark my word, in order to fulfill my duties and keep honest Americans safe, I'll electrocute bad people until they eyeballs will explode.

Gov. Evan Bayh (D-IN)

An insult to every woman living in this great country!

Sen. Evangeline LaMott (R-SC)

When I'm President, I'll establish Dudefest in all 57 states to promote real culture!

Rep. Zack Brown (D-ND)
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« Reply #2692 on: January 10, 2012, 08:00:53 am »
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While I strongly believe rape is an especially heinous crime, warranting severe punishment, I do not find appropriate to apply the death penalty in a case when the victim was not killed. This principle has been long established in our civilian law, in result of a landmark Coker v. Georgia case and should apply to military courts as well.

President Dent's statement on commuting the death sentence.
HW: Mr. Dent's statement offended all the victims of rapists. He's one of those who are trying to build a system that will protect the criminals. Rapists is a scum that does not deserve life.
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« Reply #2693 on: January 10, 2012, 08:54:37 am »
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CNN BREAKING NEWS
ELECTION RESULTS IN COLORADO SPECIAL ELECTION FOR SENATOR FOLLOWING DEATH OF HANK BROWN
State Representative Eric Cartman (R) 49.8
Tom Strickland (D) 49.7
Always controversial and anti-semitic Eric Cartman has been elected to the United States Senate, joining Democrat Kyle Broflovski.
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A man may die, nations may rise and fall, but an idea lives on-John F. Kennedy 1917-1963
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« Reply #2694 on: January 10, 2012, 02:11:46 pm »
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February 14, 1996
Mikey O'Callahan's slaughterhouse, Mobile, Alabama


Present: Cyril "Colonel" O'Reilly, his brother Seamus O'Reilly and few lads.

Cyril: All right, we can speak openly here. This is slaughterhouse, lads, so there can't  be any bugs around. No pig would bear listening to slaughterhouse sound for hours. I have a discreet business proposal.
Seamus: Please, tell me it's not in County Baldwin.
Cyril: Seamus, this is America. We speak "Baldwin County" not "County Baldwin" here. If you wanna live here, learn it.
Seamus: Whatever, I hate fawkin' Baldwin County.
Cyril: Don't worry, it's not even in Oleybama.
Seamus: Fawk! I have Commonwealth of Mississippi too.
Cyril: This is State of Mississippi.
Seamus: State, Commonwealth, what's the difference? It's still a s**t. Worse than Minnesota.
Cyril: And we have an offer from Minnesota.
Seamus: Fawk it! I'm not going to Minnesota. Especially if it's about such craphole as Duluth.
Cyril: It is in Duluth.
Seamus: Fawk!
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« Reply #2695 on: January 12, 2012, 09:51:58 am »
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Quote from: wikipedia
Lil' Balls is a political comic stip, launched in 1992 and published by The New Yorker.

Main characters

Red Ball (Jefferson Dent)
Levander Bell (Evangeline LaMott)
Yellow Ball (Thad O'Connor)
Blue Ball (Christian Mattingly)
Orange Ball (Lawrence Wargrave)

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« Reply #2696 on: January 12, 2012, 12:50:28 pm »
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Coming soon to a bookstore near you!

The widely acclaimed Defense Attorney from Duluth, Charles K. Manning, is releasing a book called "Be Your Own Damn Lawyer!" to come out in Minnesota bookstores this March!  The book, which is a very in-depth and analytical look at how you can become an expert "do it yourself" law master, has already been widely acclaimed by the critics around the nation!  Tired of legal fees?  Can't afford a lawyer?
NO PROBLEM!
In "Be Your Own Damn Lawyer" Mr. Manning, who went from working as muscle for a loan shark in the late 70's to one of the best law experts in the Midwest in the 90's, unloads page after page, chapter after chapter, of hard hitting and brutal truths about the state of his profession.
Buy it today!
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« Reply #2697 on: January 12, 2012, 08:07:16 pm »
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Bipartisan failure (1995)



Human Sacrifice (1992)



Roberts Resigns (1995)




And I miss Polandball Sad
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« Reply #2698 on: January 12, 2012, 09:33:21 pm »
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Governor O'Connor addresses the State of Maine at a press conference in Augusta, Maine.

"Greetings, my fellow Mainers. It is with great jubilance that I address you once more as Governor of the state I love so very much. I am here today to speak to you on a pressing matter that faces our state, but as it pertains to the subject, I must give mention to the President.

I would like to applaud the commutation of the death penalty for one John Walters. The death penalty is truly barbaric, and to call it antiquated would be to imply that it ever had a purpose in the first place. It indeed is the result of legislation predicated on emotion rather than justice, a policy much more appropriately placed with Medieval Europe than that of a free nation such as our own.

In the past, there has been a practice known as "jury nullification," but I believe I am the first that will be using what I like to call "executive nullification," " Thad pauses and grins at the crowd for a moment. "I will be not only be following the President's lead, but also upping the ante. I hereby announce that I shall be commuting any death penalty sentences due within the next month.

In the mean time, I will be pushing for the State Legislature to pass a comprehensive law not only repealing the death penalty, but also commuting all retroactive death penalty sentences and additionally all non-violent drug offenses. This shall merely be one more step towards the progress I envision for this state.

Thank you."
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Abdul the Damned
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« Reply #2699 on: January 16, 2012, 05:10:15 am »
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February 15, 1996

BREAKING: AN UNIDENTIFIED AIRCRACT HITS THE WHITE HOUSE
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