The Never Ending Americana Story (Death certificate issued)

[Proud Lieberal from Northeast]

Dent: All right, gentlemen and gentlemen.
Barack: There are no women here, so you could just say gentlemen, sir.
Dent: I'm too vain to risk appearing sexist.
Barack: Eh...
Dent: What was that, Kif?
Barack: Kif?
Dent: From now on, I shall call you Kif with no reason.
Barack: OK, I suppose.
Dent: So, Kif, who are all those people?
Barack: They work here.
Dent: Who's this man over there?
Man: Mr. President, my name's Jennings and I'm senior policy advisor.
Dent: I never saw you before, but I meant the other guy, in the corner.
Other man: I'm Scruffy, the janitor.
Dent: That's weird as well. I never saw you before.
Scruffy: I work here.
Dent: Ah, it must be your first day. Congratulations.
Scruffy: Scruffy works here since Carter.
Dent: OK.
Scruffy: Scruffy deserved a break (opening copy of the Playboy)
Dent: Now, all of you people I never saw before, Scruffy is an example for you. Kif, scratch my back.
Barack: With all due respect, Mr. President, but sometimes you really need to f**k off.
Dent: Ah, talking to your commander-in-chief with that damn due respect. Now, that is going to hurt... Jennings, you're fired.
Jennings: Wha?
Dent: Ah, you're Jennings. I meant another dude.
Barack: Sir, can we get to the point already?
Dent: As you wish, Kif. You see, after last events our position is strong again, at least for some time.  So guess what we're going to do. The same thing as usual, when we're getting a nice bump. We'll seize the legislative initiative. The last surge of legislations. Go, Kif.
Barack: OK, at first, little meaning but very popular initiative to enjoy some more positive coverage. An act that would prohibit all members of the federal government who are wealthy enough from claiming their salaries.
Dent: You see, I never took a government salary in my life. I'm richer than all of you.
Scruffy: Scruffy have a rich soul.
Barack: The next is a pilot program for the Department of Education. Due to a shortage of teachers in poor and uneducated areas, we'll offer HS graduates some kind of a G.I. Bill. More specifically: work for some time as a teacher for Appalachian illiterates and you'll get your college education funded.
Dent: Next.
Barack: AIDS Prevention Act.
Dent: You see, AIDS issue has been abandoned by the government since the very beginning. D'Israeli believed it's unconstitutional to provide a medical care, while Peterson and James were simply a right-wing idiots. Then came Dent administration, which was busy with other urgent matters. Unlike our judiciary, AIDS is color/race/sex/sexual preferences-blind. Scott Westman might have died in a fire, but he was doomed anyway.
Barack: Westman had an AIDS?!
Dent: Scott did not believe in condoms... how do I know? I can access every FBI file I want and this institution have a special fondness in medical stuff... God, just think about all these innocent women Mr. Take A Pill Cuz I Won't Use Condoms infected before he burned... And yes, he didn't know he had AIDS, funny. Next.
Scruffy: Scruffy regularly takes a test.
Dent: Scruffy, you should be a role model for our health reforms. Next?
Barack: Alternative Energy Act.
Dent: I need to earmark some money to Texas so it might just well be windmills... Could you stop playing with your phone, Kif?
Barack: I'm sorry, sir, but this seems urgent... wow...
Dent: I told you to use condoms, silly.
Barack: No... Mr. President, you're not going to believe this!

[Proud Lieberal from Northeast]

In the next room.


Dent: All right, have you gone mad or what, Barack?
Barack: Um... not "Kif" anymore?
Dent: You've just killed my good mood. Do you have any idea how hard it is to wake up in a good mod with factured nerves inside your skull?
Barack: I'm sorry, Mr. President, but this is rather urgent as well as, private.
Dent: Great... what did I tell you about carrying condoms with you in case of emergency? You Black people...
Barack: Now, now, no need to be ironically racist, sir. The situation is...

[Proud Lieberal from Northeast]

Dent: Yes... it really wasn't the best of your ideas.
Barack: Mr. President.
Dent: It was kind of tasteless.
Barack: Sir.
Dent: Oh come on. You already got me out of the room so what's the real situation. We're alone so you don't have to make up any more idiotic excuses.
Barack: That's why I wanted to talk to you face to face, sir.
Dent: You call that face to face?
Barack: Wha... (turning around) Who the hell are you?
Scruffy: Scruffy, the janitor.
Barack: Inks.
Dent: And I thought you're clean and articulate.
Barack: Get the Inks out!
Scruffy: Scruffy's work here is done.
Dent: OK... now would you please cut the crap off and tell me what it's really about?
Barack: I just told you, Mr. President.
Dent: Do you really want to piss me off?
Barack: I swear I'm telling the truth.
Dent: Illogical. You know very well she's dead.
Barack: Sir, she never were quite dead.
Dent: I don't give an Inks what did Pat Robertson say about such cases. She have water instead of brain. Pretty dead for me, now can we please get out of this topic? It's really uncomfortable. I already have nightmares for past five years... OK, I know you're neither mean or ill-spirited, you must be just confused.
Barack: Holy Inks... (putting a speaker) Doctor, I'm with the President now.
Voice: Mr. President, this is Doctor Zoidberg from Alameda County Medical. I know this is unexpected, due to our previous diagnosis, but your daughter is awake from the coma and fully responding.
Dent: Barack, would you hand me this idiotic Franklin Pierce statute?
Barack: Um, OK.
Dent: OK (smashes the phone) finally some use from President Failtard. 140 years too late.
Barack: Um.
Dent: Barack, I'm really disappointed that you feel for such a lousy, and really disgusting, prank call. Now, I'm going back to the meeting while someone should clean up this mess.
Scruffy: Schelude conflict.
Barack: Christ... how on earth am I suppose to prove to him it's true?
Scruffy: Scruffy thinks the truth shall set you free.

[pillage the village, trash the scene]

Humphrey Willkinson after protests of left-wingers was not allowed to give a speech in Yale.
HW: (in front of camera) Oh, no room for Ol'Hump, eh? I'll build my OWN university... with blackjack, and hookers! In fact, forget the universuty and the blackjack! Ehh, screw the whole thing.

[Proud Lieberal from Northeast]

Certainly, the biggest failure of the election year so far is Fred Kraeger (Mayor of Duluth) candidacy for the United States Senate. When Mr. Kraeger entered the race, he had every advantage over embattled incumbent Paul Wellstone. Charismatic, endorsed by the DFL establishment and President Dent, whose approvals in Minnesota are significantly better than Wellstone's. Presidential support also equaled money and a lot of professional help.

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your perception), Mr. Kraeger was foolish enough to take the race for granted at this initial point. When was the last time he actually did some campaigning? I don't remember. Wellstone, in meanwhile, is campaigning as all hell with his grassroots. This helped him in 1990, but Kraeger doesn't get it. At this point, we can predict that soon Mr. Kraeger will be just a minor footnote in Minnesota political history.

TIME.

[Proud Lieberal from Northeast]

Mondale: This... man... is... such... a... giant.... fiasco... that... I... can't... even... comprehend...
Dent: Jesus, Walter, don't get too upset.
Mondale: Christ... he got everything served to him on a silver plate.
Dent: Walter, I hate to bring it again, knowing already how you're going to react, but you could become Senator over last years whenever you wanted to.
Mondale: Oh yes, I'll jump now. What's the point?
Dent: If he keeps failing for next week or two, I don't think we'd have to worry about a point. I'll burn his house and everyone will be happy thereafter.
Mondale: Sometimes I don't know when you're joking or not.
Dent: About you being in reserve? It wasn't a joke.
Mondale: I know, eh...

[pillage the village, trash the scene]

HW (to wife): See, Wendy, Democratic Primaries are like circus fulled with freaks. One is blind, second is humpbacked, third got pot of horse crap instead of head.
Wendy: It is a sin to laugh at poor cirucs freaks.
HW: Humanity is overrated.
Wendy: You had changed, Humpy. You was more optimistic.
HW: Optimists are pessimists on heavy drugs. Deal with it. *puts black glasses*

[Communists For McCain]

Kraeger: I can predict soon that TIME Magazine can go [Inks] itself!
Reporter: Sir?
Kraeger: I got a plethora of hard hitting ads that will make Paul Wellstone and all of these morons at TIme and every other news organization that has written us off piss in their pants.  Taking for granted?  No, I'm just taking a break to analyze the weakest of the weakest points in Wellstone's armor.  When I'm through with him he'll be lucky to be a county dog catcher.  Mark my words.  And pretty soon TIME Magazine's editorial staff will be looking for work at McDonalds.

Kraeger's strong words would catch many off guard.  However, his ad machine would go into overtime just weeks before the primary.

[Proud Lieberal from Northeast]

Kraeger: I can predict soon that TIME Magazine can go [Inks] itself!
Reporter: Sir?
Kraeger: I got a plethora of hard hitting ads that will make Paul Wellstone and all of these morons at TIme and every other news organization that has written us off piss in their pants.  Taking for granted?  No, I'm just taking a break to analyze the weakest of the weakest points in Wellstone's armor.  When I'm through with him he'll be lucky to be a county dog catcher.  Mark my words.  And pretty soon TIME Magazine's editorial staff will be looking for work at McDonalds.

Kraeger's strong words would catch many off guard.  However, his ad machine would go into overtime just weeks before the primary.

Dent: (reading a paper) Well, Barack, it's surely good to have your people in the press. I've got his attention.

[Communists For McCain]

For Real Results Vote Kraeger:

Over the past few weeks Wellstone has asserted himself as the true progressive choice.  However, a look at his record, especially over the past few years, has shown him to be just a mere attention desperate politician with no real concern for the people of his state.  Of particular note is his decision to consistently stand against any and all efforts at real welfare reform.  Welfare reform that would include vigorous government job training for the poor and unemployed that hacks like him would deny just for the feel good of knowing he defended an archaic system.
Mark our words, the current system is archaic.  We need a drastic change in the way that welfare is done in this country or millions will stay in poverty for generations.  Senator Wellstone doesn't care.  Senator Wellstone cares more about his ADA score than he does about the impoverished people of Minnesota, who need more than money to survive.  They need jobs.  And they need the skills for jobs.  Government paid training programs for both menial and professional labor.  We don't need to damn millions to an existence of reliance on the social safety network when we can help get them out.
Frederick Kraeger has been at the forefront of this welfare reform movement.  Appointed to the President's Board of Welfare Studies Frederick Kraeger has been working around the clock to get a system set up that would integrate technological studies and skills that will allow millions of this nation's poor to get into technical degree colleges and various skilled labor jobs.  This is what the Dent Administration has been pushing all along.  The Democratic President who put away partisan politics to deliver true results was shamed by the hackish Wellstone, who put his gradeboook amongst special interest organizations over actual results for the people of Minnesota.  Fred Kraeger is not only fully supportive of the President's ambitious program, he is a leading advocate of it.  Frederick Kraeger imagines a world where even the poorest of the poor can rise up and accomplish great things.  In short, Frederick Kraeger dreams of making the American Dream possible with the help of an active and caring government, a government that goes beyond simple welfare and into full hands on training experience.

Vote for Fred, not Senator Welfare

[Communists For McCain]

Fixing our Broken House:

This is Fred Kraeger and I approve this message.

A TV ad shows Frederick Kraeger walking along in a flannel shirt and jeans in front of a broken farm house somewhere in the Minnesota countryside.
Senator Wellstone is just a symptom of the problems that are in Washington D.C.  The problems I'm referring to are the vandals who are in office who pay more attention to special interest gradebooks than the needs of their constituents.
While Wellstone was your US Senator the US Government has taken more money from Minnesota than it has from any other state besides New Jersey.  Money that Wellstone has taken from the people of Minnesota and given to his various groups in D.C. to support his way of life.
Not only that, but these interest groups in turn have paid him back with thousands of dollars for each vote he makes.  Sure, Wellstone may not be an Exon-Mobil politician, he may not be a politician for Wall Street, but he sure isn't no politician for you and me.  He is a politician for blind ideological rigor that ignores the true facts of the effects of poverty.
Which isn't to say that conservatives are right.  They are still very very wrong.
However, Paul Wellstone is just as wrong as they are.
The problem in this debate on welfare is that we aren't focusing on exactly why poverty is so bad.  Poverty isn't bad because people don't have money, poverty is bad because it destroys the spirit.  There is nothing worse, nothing more humiliating than a man being forced to go to the unemployment office to pick up a welfare check.  We shouldn't raise a society that believes that money is the only way to live a good life, we should raise a society that believes that living is the only way to live a good life.
Senator Wellstone disagrees.
Senator Wellstone believes, like some others, that poverty is something that can be fixed by throwing a few billion dollars at it.  What his view, and others, neglects is how to use the investment we've put into our welfare system to truly better our civilization.
Food stamps, unemployment benefits, medicare.....that's all a good start.  But it shouldn't end there.  We need a comprehensive system that is devoted to weeding out not merely the "poor" part of poverty, but that of the part that destroys the spirit.
Together, we can rebuild this broken house.

This ad has been sponsored by Kraeger for Minnesota US Senate.

[Proud Lieberal from Northeast]

As President Dent is approaching end of his term, let us take a moment to remember his legacy...






Luckily, Fred Kraeger will carry on.


PAID FOR MINNESOTANS FOR PROGRESS PAC

[Communists For McCain]

Kraeger Campaign Stop
Near Lake Calhoun, Minnesota:

The ludicrous Minnesotans for Progress PAC has asserted I will continue the Dent legacy.  Yes, I will support universal healthcare, I will support deficit reduction, I will support a fair progressive income tax system, I will support clean environmental standards, and I will support the President's welfare reform plan.  I will support economic policies that have gotten us out of the D'Israeli hell.  I will not support the self-idolizing political philosophy of Senator Welfare that has done nothing to advance this nation and only has sought to drag us back when it comes to advancing the needs of those who have none.  But if Minnesotans for Progress, PAC, want to keep the poor poor, then by all means vote for Senator Welfare.
And for the dozenth time, I'm against the death penalty.  Which brings me to my next point: Education!

Crowd laughs.

[Proud Lieberal from Northeast]

And for the dozenth time, I'm against the death penalty. 

Voting for Kraeger is like spitting at poor Sue Bell Cooter's grave - one of Wellstone allies in the State House.

[Proud Lieberal from Northeast]

And for the dozenth time, I'm against the death penalty. 

Voting for Kraeger is like spitting at poor Sue Bell Cooter's grave - one of Wellstone allies in the State House.

I don't recall Fred Krager being in the room when I told then to pull the switch - President Dent.

[Dallasfan65]

"The attacks of Minnesotans for Progress on Mayor Kraegar and the President are tasteless and vile. I stand firm in my support of the Mayor and his endeavor." - Thad O'Connor

[pillage the village, trash the scene]

Press conference
HW: I don't give a flying f**k about all that Minnesota bulls**t.
I hope that all humans would die in a nuclear war.
Thank you.

[hawkeye59]

Daniels announces his unendorsement of Wellstone and his endorsement of Kraeger.

[Proud Lieberal from Northeast]

March 4, 1996

President Dent announced he'll posthumously award former Secretary of Agriculture Rick Perry (D-TX) with Presidential Medal of Freedom.

Mr. Perry was the highest-ranking U.S. official ever killed in a terrorist attack, as he died during last month's West Wing Plane Crash.

In his statement, President Dent called Perry a "true American hero" and "an example for us all".

[Proud Lieberal from Northeast]

March 5, 1996

President Dent signed a death warrant for Navy Ensign Jack Hood, 32, who participated in the 1993 firing at the USS John C. Stennis. Mr. Hood is now scheluded to be hanged on March 10 in Fort Leavenworth, Kansas.

Despite my earlier intention to not sign any more death warrants as long as I'm in office, I cannot grant clemency after what happened in last month, the President said in his statement.

[Communists For McCain]

Kraeger Campaign Appearance:

I staunchly beg the President to reconsider this course of action as the hanging is a barbaric punishment that belongs in the 18th century.  The public hanging is a shame upon the American people and has no place in this world.
The practice of the death penalty is a black mark on American society that should be abolished.  In all of it's forms.  If the President decides to ignore the pleas of myself and millions of other Americans, he would be turning his back on a quarter century of progress he helped create.

[Proud Lieberal from Northeast]

March 6, 1996
Blair House


Dent: Ah, an usual morning briefing on everything. So, tell me about everything you screwed up during those three hours I was asleep.
Barack: The first order of business is... the Governor of Wyoming.
Dent: We already know he's mentally unstable.
Barack: Yes, but we're really concerned. He seriously needs mental evaluation.
Dent: And what do you want me to do? Call him and ask to see a doctor during spare time?
Chairman of the Joint Chiefs: You can use your constitutional prerogatives as a commander-in-chief, Mr. President.
Dent: And invade Wyoming because their Governor is a crackpot? Why not South Carolina? Or Idaho?
Krantz: I think I know where General is going.
Chairman: You'd simply federalize one unit of the Wyoming National Guard to forcibly remove him from the state capitol.
Dent: Ah, that's interesting. General, we'll hang some rebel idiot in four days and you want me to perform a coup in one of the states at the same time? That's kind of inconsistent.
Chairman: No, not a coup, Mr. President. Soldiers would transport him to some federal hospital outside of Wyoming, where he'd be locked up, pending mental evaluation.
Dent: I understand now. Pulling Earl Long. I'll think about this. What's next?
Barack: Jenkins?
Jenkins: Princess Amatullah.
Dent: Crap, this again... I know, I know, extradition is bad, so is giving her an asylum. We ought to find a compromise, like suffocating her with a pillow.
Barack: But seriously...
Dent: And who said it wasn't serious?
Barack: Eh...
Dent: I'm in too good morning mood to consider this before my usual late night misery. Next?
Barack: Domestic and international reaction to incoming execution. You have received two public pleas for clemency. One is from the Pope...
Dent: He is such a troll.
Barack: And another from Fred Kraeger.
Dent: Nice to see Fred back to form. Next?
Jenkins: You're meeting with Senate leadership to discuss AIDS bill.
Dent: OK. Next?
Jenkins: Congresswoman O'Hara demands more earmarks for Mobile area.
Dent: I'll handle that southern belle. Next?
Scruffy: The toilet upstairs is broken.
Krantz: Who the hell are you?
Scruffy: Scruffy, the janitor.
Krantz: I never saw you before.
Dent: Leave Scruffy alone.

[Proud Lieberal from Northeast]

Press: Mr. President, will you be considering commuting Ensign Hood's death sentence?
Dent: Exercising clemency power in this particular case would be insulting for all servicemen that loyally defended our constitution against the rebels, especially those who lost their lives in a line of duty. The execution will go forward as scheduled.
Press: Mr. President, will you be taking a direct care on your daughter, that just awoke from the coma?
Dent: This is not funny.
Press:
Dent: I'm really surprised you, members of the media, fall for this tasteless thing someone probably came up as really crude practical joke.
Press: ...
Barack: (backstage, to himself) He's in denial...

[Proud Lieberal from Northeast]

You can't think of this as any sort of punishment. We both know that capital punishment as a legal tool have no usefulness. Therefore, this execution is not to be a judicial punishment. It's a limited retaliatory strike in our war against enemies inside. And war is the f**king war. It's not a garden party.

Jefferson Dent is fully sympathizing with Princess Amatullah. The President, who's responsible for maintaining stability in our foreign relations, don't give a crap about her fate if handed back.

My administration shares it's part of blame in ignoring AIDS disaster.

Welfare reform is going to be the best thing any government did to lift an unemployment by putting the people back to work while preserving welfare. Our opponents on the left knows that. but they just don't care about helping the others. All they care is to maintain their way of politicizing the issue.


President Dent off the record.

[Proud Lieberal from Northeast]

Christ, when will you all stop asking me about Scott Westman? He is the past, literally. But if you insist, I tell you that when he arrived to Washington, I offered him a place to live, before he got one on his own. I showed him how the things works, a luxury few freshmen enjoyed. Most importantly, perhaps, after D'Israeli was elected and 99% of the Congress Democrats were screaming for Scott's head, I said there won't be any retaliation. And what I got in return? Nothing, but... ah, forget about this. Can we just bury this body once for all?

Yes, I do consider Mattingly as the most capable of the leading Republicans... no, I'm not counting O'Connor, he's an independent in my book. But I can't see him beating back a challenge from the right and overcoming his 1992 performance. At least not in 1996.

I know Jim Folsom is a lightweight... maybe lightweigh is too harsh, considering that he's very successfull statewide politician, but not a presidential material. But I really didn't have anyone else to run.

I'm still amazed with Ben Robert's stupidity. He could have hold on easily. It's not like one little jump is a nail to a political coffin anymore.