The Michael A. Naso Institute of Comedy

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Also, I'd welcome all of my "administrative duties" being removed.  I honestly wouldn't mind, but that's mainly because I don't have any.

Please categorise your pornography collection by type, then alphabetically. Then index the collection, photocopy the index and file in 3 different places.

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I object to the monocle. Eternal cup of tea is quite accurate though.

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Eh, this did not actually happen. It was a hoax perpetrated by Swedish comedians.

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It's only a quiz, you know. No need to get outraged about everything.

Never say that to a Times Crossword enthusiast.

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It's also getting rather meta.

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I have great hopes for our new discovery Politico.

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I have great hopes for our new discovery Politico.

Shouldn't you be reading by now some miner's history book instead of wasting your time at an internet forum?

Hmm...?

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GUYS, BEST POST IN THE HISTORY OF THE FORUM WAS JUST POSTED, GET IT WHILE ITS HOT:

J.J., I wanted to congratulate you on your assignment "A Typical Day In My Life". I think you did a superb job with it. So good that I think I'll share it with everyone else.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=oJ-WTFA2vXY

Probably the most crass and exploitative 'tribute' you'll see over the next few days.  And yes, that is Cain himself singing God Bless America over graphic footage of UA Flight 175 hitting the South Tower.

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Timothy Spall has made a career of playing cowardly and odious minor villains in such films as the Harry Potter series, and also I think played Albert Pierrepoint at one point.

He actually made his career playing distinctly non-lovable losers (notably Barry in Auf Wiedersehen, Pet), before heading in that direction.

Also, his son drowns cats.

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Timothy Spall has made a career of playing cowardly and odious minor villains in such films as the Harry Potter series, and also I think played Albert Pierrepoint at one point.

Also, his son drowns cats.

Wait...what?

His son is also an actor. A character he played in a recent BBC drama half-drowned a cat as a threat. Can't seem to find a video or a picture of the moment in question, so this will have to do:

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Oh...thought he actually was cruel to the best pets...

Better hope he's not into method acting, no?

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Humour is all relative, you fascist fyckwits.

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Save us from this tide of vulgar Post Modernism!

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Do you realize most of "thread-jacking" is made of posts complaining about thread-jacking ?

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Do you realize most of "thread-jacking" is made of posts complaining about thread-jacking ?

This certainly means something interesting and funny, but sadly I don't know what.

You made a post complaining about the number of posts in the thread complaining about the threadjacking of the thread.

Thus, postmodernism.

Thus, Lyotard. Because he had a funnier face than Derrida.

Although there's always another option...

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Let it live.

Especially as it is absurd to think that a sudden outbreak of PoMo could ever kill a thread named after one of its living (if totally unknowing) embodiments.

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The FDP's current main priority is getting more than 5% in Schleswig-Holstein next May. If they have to destroy the global economy to achieve this, so be it.

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WEINBACH AND THE PRESIDENT SIT IN THE OVAL OFFICE THE FOLLOWING DAY. A MAN WALKS IN. WHITE HAIR, BLACK SUIT, SERIOUS LOOK ON HIS FACE.

Brooks: Dr. Weinbach, this is Mr. X.
Weinbach: Mr. X, huh?
Brooks: That's right, Mr. X. Now X is here to help assure that your attempt does not go without merit. As we know, you've never served in the U.S. Military, and you've never been trained in any battle techniques or weaponry.
Weinbach: Yes, sir that's correct.
Brooks: You will return, but you will return armed. This is a Beretta 93R, sub-machine handgun. 32 rounds in just a couple seconds.
Weinbach: Sir, I don't know how to use a gun.
Brooks: Well let's hope you don't have to. But...IF YOU DO...you point and shoot. Pretty simple.

MR. X PULLS OUT A BOX WITH ANOTHER GUN IN IT.

Brooks: Ahhh...here we are. A Smith and Wesson .357 revolver. Snub-nose style. It'll be attached to your ankle. Six shots. Simple.
Weinbach: Mr. President, Mr. X....um...why the precautions? I'm going to 1384.
Brooks: So what? You will have weapons that help ensure yours and Molly's safety. We'll pack you full of water, MREs, ammo, weapons...all the tools you need.
Weinbach: If you insist, sir.
Brooks: Now, we have to get you down to the laboratory right away. Let's get this show on the road.

SCENE SHIFTS TO WEINBACH AND BROOKS IN THE LABORATORY. WEINBACH, IN BULLETPROOF VEST, BACKPACK ON WITH SUPPLIES AND WEAPONS, STEPS INTO THE MACHINE.

Brooks: Newt...are you SURE you want to do this?
Weinbach: Mr. President, I must do it. I am sure.
Brooks: Look...I...is there anybody you'd like me to contact for you?
Weinbach: Nah...never had much of a family.
Brooks: (nods somberly) God speed, Newt.
Weinbach: Thank you, Mr. President.
Brooks: (shakes his head) Nah...nah...the name's Austin.
Weinbach: (smiles) Thanks, Austin.
Brooks: You bet, Newt.

WEINBACH STEPS INTO THE MACHINE. PRESIDENT BROOKS PUTS ON THE EYE GOGGLES AND SALUTES DR. WEINBACH. WEINBACH RETURNS A SALUTE BACK TO THE PRESIDENT. THE MACHINE SPHERES BEGIN SPINNING....THEN A TREMENDOUS BURST OF LIGHT ENERGY. WEINBACH IS GONE.

WEINBACH SLAMS INTO THE PAVEMENT. HE IS BEWILDERED, BUT SURPRISINGLY ALERT. HIS BACKPACK HELPS TO BREAK HIS FALL. HE LOOKS AROUND. A GRAY OVERCAST DAY. APPEARS TO BE MID-AFTERNOON. HE HEARS YELLING IN THE BACKGROUND. HE STANDS UP AND BEGINS LOOKING AROUND. HE CAN'T SEE ANYBODY. HE FEELS ALONE. HE IS ALONE. HE BEGINS SCREAMING OUT.

Weinbach: MOLLY! MOLLY CALLOW! DR. MOLLY CALLOW!

A MAN IN A UNIFORM APPROACHES.

Weinbach: SIR! SIR...I'm looking for a friend, I have this photograph-

THE MAN IN THE UNIFORM PUNCHES WEINBACH TO THE GROUND.

Uniform Man: AUF! AUF! Jetzt hund!
Weinbach: I'm...I'm looking for my friend, Mr. Molly Callow!
Uniform Man: Halt die Schnauze! Halt die Schnauze!

THE UNIFORMED MAN KICKS WEINBACH AGAIN.

Weinbach: I'm Dr. Weinbach...I'm a friend of Dr. Callow. Weinbach.
Uniform Man: Ein Jude? Ein verfluchter Jude!?

THE MAN GRABS DR. WEINBACH BY HIS HAIR AND DRAGS HIM IN THE STREET TOWARDS A GROUP OF TWO OTHER UNIFORMED MEN, STANDING, SMOKING CIGARETTES HOLDING WEAPONS.

Uniform Man: Schauen Sie, was ich Männer… ein verfluchter Jude fand!

THE MEN LAUGH. ONE MAN SCREAMS AT WEINBACH.

Uniform Man #2: Auf Ihren Füßen! Auf Ihren Füßen!!
Weinbach: (yelling back) I--I don't understand!

THE MAN PULLS WEINBACH UP ON HIS FEET BY HIS HAIR AND YANKS OFF HIS BACKPACK. TWO MEN OPEN IT AND BEGIN RUMMAGING THROUGH IT. THE ORIGINAL MAN STANDS, LOOKING ANGRY AND DISGUSTED AT WEINBACH.

Uniform Man #3: Waffen!
Uniform Man: Waffen?
Uniform Man #2: Der verfluchte Jude hat Waffen!

THE MEN BEGIN BEATING WEINBACH. HE YELLS OUT FOR THEM TO STOP BUT TO NO AVAIL.

Uniform Man: ALBRECHT! KLAUS! Nehmen Sie den Jude zur Gasse und töten ihn!

THE MEN GRAB WEINBACH BY HIS ARMS AND DRAG HIM DOWN THE SECLUDED STREET. THEY DRAG HIM TO THE BACKWAY OF AN ALLEY. HE GETS ON HIS KNEES FACING THE UNIFORMED MEN. ONE MAN WALKS TO THE EDGE OF THE ALLEYWAY, THE OTHER POINTS HIS RIFLE AT WEINBACH. WEINBACH REALIZES HE IS ABOUT TO DIE. HE CRIES OUT FOR MERCY. THE UNIFORMED MAN BEGINS LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.

Uniformed Man #2: (laughing) ALBRECHT! Der Jude wünscht seine Mamma!
Uniformed Man #3: (laughs) Töten Sie einfach den verfluchten Juden, Klaus. Wir haben nicht den ganzen Tag!

WEINBACH REACHES UNDERNEATH HIS PANTS AND FEELS HIS .357 REVOLVER. HE LOOKS AT THE UNIFORMED MAN. THE MAN'S LAUGHING. HEAD LEANED BACK LAUGHING. RIFLE IN HIS HANDS. WEINBACH TURNS HIS HEAD AND SEES THE OTHER UNIFORMED MAN AT THE END OF THE ALLEY LIGHTING A CIGARETTE. WEINBACH'S EYE FILL WITH RAGE AS HE TURNS BACK TOWARDS THE LAUGHING MAN WITH THE RIFLE. HE SWIPES OUT THE REVOLVER FROM HIS ANKLE AND YANKS BACK ON THE TRIGGER. A BULLET GOES RIGHT INTO THE CHEST OF THE UNIFORMED MAN. WEINBACH GRABS THE RIFLE, AND TURNS TOWARDS THE SECOND MAN, WHO DROPS HIS CIGARETTE IN DISBELIEF AND REACTS BY SLINGING HIS RIFLE TOWARDS WEINBACH. WEINBACH SHOOTS THE RIFLE ONCE, THE BULLET GOING STRAIGHT THROUGH THE HEAD OF THE SECOND UNIFORMED MAN. WEINBACH PAUSES...HIS EYES FILLED WITH TEARS OF RAGE...HE HAS NEVER KILLED BEFORE. HE HEARS MUMBLING. HE LOOKS DOWN TO SEE THE BLEEDING MAN IN THE UNIFORM.

Uniformed Man #2: (whispering then getting louder) Sie haven' t gewonnen, Jude. Alle Juden brennen in der Hölle. Hören Sie mich? HÖLLE! JUDE! VERFLUCHTER JUDE! VERFLUCHTER JUDE!!!

WEINBACH SHOOTS WITH THE REVOLVER STRAIGHT THROUGH THE MAN'S HEAD. HE SLINGS THE RIFLE AROUND HIS SHOULDER AND HOLDS HIS STILL SMOKING REVOLVER IN HIS HAND. HE WALKS OUT OF THE ALLEY AND SEES THE FIRST UNIFORMED MAN STANDING THERE, STILL GOING THROUGH WEINBACH'S BACKPACK. WEINBACH CAREFULLY AND QUIETLY WALKS ALONG THE CORRIDOR OF BRICK BUILDINGS. HE APPROACHES THE MAN FROM BEHIND. HE PUTS THE GUN TO THE MAN'S HEAD AND COCKS THE HAMMER BACK.

Weinbach: Turn around. TURN AROUND!

THE MAN TURNS AROUND.

Uniformed Man: Verfluchter Jude.

WEINBACH, POINTING REVOLVER IN THE MAN'S FACE SCREAMS AT HIM.

Weinbach: ENGLISH! SPEAK ENGLISH MOTHERER!!

WEINBACH PISTOL WHIPS THE MAN, WHO FALLS TO HIS KNEES.

Weinbach: ENGLISH! ENGLISH!
Uniformed Man: Uh...uh...don't shoot! Don't shoot!
Weinbach: WHAT YEAR IS IT?! TELL ME!
Uniformed Man: Warum? Warum?

WEINBACH PISTOL WHIPS THE MAN AGAIN!

Weinbach: TELL ME! TELL ME WHAT YEAR IT IS!
Uniformed Man: Uh...uh...1944. June 8, 1944.

WEINBACH IS STUNNED.  THE UNIFORMED MAN SLINGS HIS RIFLE AROUND.

Uniformed Man: STERBEN JUDE! STERBEN JUDE!

WEINBACH, SLOW TO REACT, YANKS THE TRIGGER THREE TIMES. THE MAN FALLS TO THE GROUND, DEAD. ONE RIFLE SHOT GOES OFF IN THE AIR AS HE FALLS DOWN. WEINBACH COLLAPSES TO THE GROUND, GUN STILL SMOKING HIS HIS SHAKING HANDS. HE IS SUDDENLY COMING TO THE REALIZATION THAT MOLLY NEVER MADE IT TO 1348. SHE TRAVELED BACK TO 1944...AND WEINBACH HAS NO IDEA WHERE AND HOW TO FIND HER.

TO BE CONTINUED...

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This is probably the best bit of the above:

You must be logged in to read this quote.

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Al, you're just mad because of your old saggy balls.

It is difficult to deny such a charge.

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Did you really just use Peter Davies and normality in the same sentence?

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Madigas in AP used to destroy items of their posession that a Brahmin had touched. And if a Brahman had for whatever reasons felt forced to enter the Madiga colony, they performed cleansing rituals after he'd left.
In short, they practiced untouchability on those dirty polluted Brahmins.

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Posting yourself into the goldmine is, of course, an excellent example of a different kind of masturbation.

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Never refer to this as a mine again, caveman.

Don't they live in caves on Sicily?