Are You a goth? (Or, which of these things fit you?)

[Oswald Acted Alone, You Kook]

I think this might be a parody (Poe's Law) but I could be wrong.


Your Child is a Gothic, Reform Through the Lord!

Listed below are some warning signs to indicate if your child may have gone astray from the Lord.

Gothic (or goth) is a very obscure and often dangerous culture that young teenagers are prone to participating in. The gothic culture leads young, susceptible minds into an imagined world of evil, darkness, and violence. Please seek immediate attention through counselling, prayer, and parental guidance to rid your child of Satan's temptations if five or more of the following are applicable to your child:

-Frequently wears black clothing.

-Wears band and/or rock t-shirts.

-Wears excessive black eye makeup, lipstick or nailpolish.

-Wears any odd, silver jewelry or symbols. Some of these include: reversed crosses, pentagrams, pentacles, ankhs or various other Satanic worshipping symbols.

-Shows an interest in piercings or tattoos.

-Listens to gothic or any other anti-social genres of music. (Marilyn Manson claims to be the anti-Christ, and publicly speaks against the Lord. Please discard any such albums IMMEDIATELY.)

-Associates with other people that dress, act or speak eccentrically.

-Shows a declining interest in wholesome activities, such as: the Bible, prayer, church or sports.

-Shows an increasing interest in death, vampires, magic, the occult,
witchcraft or anything else that involves Satan.

-Takes drugs.

-Drinks alcohol.

-Is suicidal and/or depressed.

-Cuts, burns or partakes in any other method of self-mutilation. (This is a Satanic ritual that uses pain to detract from the light of God and His love. Please seek immediate attention for this at your local mental health center.)

-Complains of boredom.

-Sleeps too excessively or too little.

-Is excessively awake during the night.

-Dislikes sunlight or any other form of light. (This pertains to vampires promoting the idea that His light is of no use.)

-Demands an unusual amount of privacy.

-Spends large amounts of time alone.

-Requests time alone and quietness. (This is so that your chid may speak to evil sprits through meditation.)

-Insists on spending time with friends while unaccompanied by an adult.

-Disregards authority figures; teachers, priests, nuns and elders are but a few examples of this.

-Misbehaves at school.

-Misbehaves at home.

-Eats excessively or too little.

-Eats goth-related foods. Count Dracula cereal is an example of this.

-Drinks blood or expresses an interest in drinking blood. (Vampires believe this is how to attain Satan. This act is very dangerous and should be stopped immediately.)

-Watches cable television or any other corrupted media sources. (Ask your local church for proper programs that your child may watch.)

-Plays videos games that contains violence or role-playing nature.

-Uses the internet excessively and frequently makes time for the computer.

-Makes Satanic symbols and/or violently shakes head to music.

-Dances to music in a provocative or sexual manner.

-Expresses an interest in sex.

-Masturbates

-Is homosexual and/or bisexual.

-Pursues dangerous cult religions. Such include: Satanism, Scientology, Philosophy, Paganism, Wicca, Hinduism and Buddhism.

-Wears pins, stickers or anything else that contains these various phrases: "I'm so gothic, I'm dead", "woe is me", "I'm a goth".

-Claims to be a goth.

[Yelnoc]

I'm not Gothic at all, but a number of those fit me. 

I am the only one who finds it odd that "likes their quiet time" and "drinks blood" have been included in the same list?

[minionofmidas]

-Frequently wears black clothing.

-Wears band and/or rock t-shirts (well, not that often anymore).

-Shows an interest in piercings or tattoos (but only if my earring counts).

-Listens to gothic or any other anti-social genres of music. (what is antisocial? Punk counts I suppose, and I suppose so does Country.)

-Associates with other people that dress, act or speak eccentrically.

-Shows a declining interest in wholesome activities, such as: the Bible, prayer, church or sports. (Depends on what point we're comparing with, though.)

-Takes drugs (rarely these days)

-Drinks alcohol.

-Is suicidal and/or depressed.

-Complains of boredom.

-Demands an unusual amount of privacy.

-Spends large amounts of time alone.

-Requests time alone and quietness.

-Disregards authority figures; teachers, priests, nuns and elders are but a few examples of this.

-Watches cable television or any other corrupted media sources. (Media sources are corrupted by definition, of course.)

-Uses the internet excessively and frequently makes time for the computer.

-Makes Satanic symbols and/or violently shakes head to music.

-Expresses an interest in sex.

-Masturbates

[FEMA Camp Administrator]

I'm not Gothic at all, but a number of those fit me. 

[Lambsbread]

I consider the word "goth" to be incredibly offensive. Just because I wear a lot of black, listen to non-mainstream music and show interest in the occult does not mean that I am a "goth" or "emo".

[FEMA Camp Administrator]

I consider the word "goth" to be incredibly offensive. Just because I wear a lot of black, listen to non-mainstream music and show interest in the occult does not mean that I am a "goth" or "emo".

Goth!

[Lambsbread]

I consider the word "goth" to be incredibly offensive. Just because I wear a lot of black, listen to non-mainstream music and show interest in the occult does not mean that I am a "goth" or "emo".

Goth!

I AM NOT!

[I spent the winter writing songs about getting better]

Let's see:

-Frequently wears black clothing. (well most of my shirts are black)

-Wears band and/or rock t-shirts.

-Listens to gothic or any other anti-social genres of music. (I guess they would consider my stuff "anti-social", even though the message is the exact opposite)

-Associates with other people that dress, act or speak eccentrically.

-Takes drugs.

-Drinks alcohol.

-Complains of boredom.*

-Sleeps too excessively or too little.*

-Is excessively awake during the night.

-Demands an unusual amount of privacy.

-Spends large amounts of time alone.

-Requests time alone and quietness.

-Insists on spending time with friends while unaccompanied by an adult.

-Disregards authority figures; teachers, priests, nuns and elders are but a few examples of this.

-Eats excessively or too little.*

-Plays videos games that contains violence or role-playing nature.

-Uses the internet excessively and frequently makes time for the computer.

-Makes Satanic symbols and/or violently shakes head to music.

-Dances to music in a provocative or sexual manner.

-Expresses an interest in sex.*

-Masturbates*

*How many people, especially teens, do these NOT apply to?

[FEMA Camp Administrator]

I consider the word "goth" to be incredibly offensive. Just because I wear a lot of black, listen to non-mainstream music and show interest in the occult does not mean that I am a "goth" or "emo".

Goth!

Holy sh**t!

[minionofmidas]

-Insists on spending time with friends while unaccompanied by an adult.

You are an adult.

[I spent the winter writing songs about getting better]

-Insists on spending time with friends while unaccompanied by an adult.

You are an adult.

Applied in my teens though.

[Lambsbread]

I consider the word "goth" to be incredibly offensive. Just because I wear a lot of black, listen to non-mainstream music and show interest in the occult does not mean that I am a "goth" or "emo".

Goth!

Holy sh**t!

That's not actually me...XD

[The Mikado]

...Is this from 1998 or something?

[The world will shine with light in our nightmare]

-Frequently wears black clothing. (Not all the time, though.  And I don't look goth when I dress in black.)

-Wears band and/or rock t-shirts.

-Wears excessive black eye makeup, lipstick or nailpolish.

-Wears any odd, silver jewelry or symbols. Some of these include: reversed crosses, pentagrams, pentacles, ankhs or various other Satanic worshipping symbols.

-Shows an interest in piercings or tattoos.

-Listens to gothic or any other anti-social genres of music. (Marilyn Manson claims to be the anti-Christ, and publicly speaks against the Lord. Please discard any such albums IMMEDIATELY.)

-Associates with other people that dress, act or speak eccentrically.

-Shows a declining interest in wholesome activities, such as: the Bible, prayer, church or sports.

-Shows an increasing interest in death, vampires, magic, the occult,
witchcraft or anything else that involves Satan.

-Takes drugs.

-Drinks alcohol.

-Is suicidal and/or depressed.

-Cuts, burns or partakes in any other method of self-mutilation. (This is a Satanic ritual that uses pain to detract from the light of God and His love. Please seek immediate attention for this at your local mental health center.)

-Complains of boredom.

-Sleeps too excessively or too little.

-Is excessively awake during the night.

-Dislikes sunlight or any other form of light. (This pertains to vampires promoting the idea that His light is of no use.)

-Demands an unusual amount of privacy.

-Spends large amounts of time alone.

-Requests time alone and quietness. (I like the quiet.)

-Insists on spending time with friends while unaccompanied by an adult. (Not for mischievous activities.)

-Disregards authority figures; teachers, priests, nuns and elders are but a few examples of this.

-Misbehaves at school.

-Misbehaves at home.

-Eats excessively or too little.

-Eats goth-related foods. Count Dracula cereal is an example of this.

-Drinks blood or expresses an interest in drinking blood. (Vampires believe this is how to attain Satan. This act is very dangerous and should be stopped immediately.)

-Watches cable television or any other corrupted media sources. (Ask your local church for proper programs that your child may watch.)

-Plays videos games that contains violence or role-playing nature.

-Uses the internet excessively and frequently makes time for the computer.

-Makes Satanic symbols and/or violently shakes head to music.

-Dances to music in a provocative or sexual manner.

-Expresses an interest in sex. (I don't get into this stuff on the internet)

-Masturbates (I don't get into this stuff on the internet)

-Is homosexual and/or bisexual.

-Pursues dangerous cult religions. Such include: Satanism, Scientology, Philosophy, Paganism, Wicca, Hinduism and Buddhism. (How the hell are Philosophy, Hinduism, and Buddhism "cults"?)

-Wears pins, stickers or anything else that contains these various phrases: "I'm so gothic, I'm dead", "woe is me", "I'm a goth".

-Claims to be a goth.

Not goth.  Just a teenager.

[minionofmidas]

...Is this from 1998 or something?

From a cursory glance through the first few pages of google results... 2004 at the latest.

Ascribed to a "St. Mary's Church", sometimes identified as Catholic and/or in Colorado Springs. Whose Catholic cathedral actually is called St. Mary's...

Almost certainly a hoax, of course.

[opebo]

Hilarious..

I do wear black socks and stay up all night though..

[TJ in Oregon]

By this thing, I’m one of the least gothic people around, though I do think that in reality there are some jock-types that are less so than me, and only these fit me reasonably well:

-Drinks alcohol Well, barely. I have about a drink a month.
-Complains of boredom I did over summer often but now I don’t have time to be bored.
-Is suicidal and/or depressed I used to be when I was younger but not so much anymore.
-Dislikes sunlight or any other form of light. (This pertains to vampires promoting the idea that His light is of no use.) I hate sunlight and other bright lights because they make me squint and sneeze. The rest of this statement is just weird.
-Spends large amounts of time alone. I’d rather not, but that’s what grad students do. Since I have a broken foot at the moment this is worse than it would otherwise be. I don't like being constantly alone because while other people can leave when I stop talking to them, I'm stuck with me. Of course I wouldn't like the opposite extreme much either becuase some quiet time is nice.
-Uses the internet excessively and frequently makes time for the computer. When you work on a computer and don’t have cable TV, you have to do something for entertainment.