Poignant Onion Article Discussion Thread

[King]

The Onion releases dozens of humor articles a week. Most a just good for a headline reading chuckle, but every now and then one comes along that is actually worth sharing with people as it nails inadequately expressed thought or feeling on a current event--or even some ridiculous forum community issue.

This is a thread for such articles.

Apple User Acting Like His Dad Just Died
BOSTON—Calling the death a “tragic loss” and saying he was “truly devastated by the news,” self-described Apple product loyalist Eric Cavanaugh is treating the passing of the company’s former CEO Steve Jobs as if his ing dad just died, sources confirmed Thursday. “I can’t believe it,” said Cavanaugh, 28, wearing a saddened expression that would make you think he was mourning the loss of his 61-year-old father, Jack, and not a complete goddamn stranger.
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[King]

Computers are the only thing I have a hipster behavior with.  I've always used Macs, but I'm seeing them everywhere and being used by the most annoying douches.  It's really all becoming too mainstream for me.  My next computer will probably be an Acer I configure to run Ubuntu.

[King]

No article. No words necessary, really.

Silvio Berlusconi Gets Penis Stuck In Wine Bottle Stuck In Prostitute

[King]

Ron Paul Supporter Likes The Way Paul Tells It Like It Has No Chance Of Being
RICHMOND, IN—Self-proclaimed strict constitutionalist and freethinker Rick Crawford told reporters Monday he is supporting Ron Paul in the 2012 Republican presidential primaries because of the way the candidate looks people directly in the eye, doesn't mince words, and tells it like it will never, ever be in a million years. "Ron cuts right through the fat and doesn't sugarcoat anything when he talks about policies that would be absolutely impossible to implement, like abolishing the federal income tax, eliminating Medicare, or putting the nation's currency back on the gold standard," Crawford said as he pounded a hand-painted "Ron Paul 2012" sign in his front lawn. "He's not afraid to give Americans no-nonsense straight talk about his completely delusional fantasy world. That's why I'm part of the highly unlikely Ron Paul revolution." Sources close to Crawford's family said his wife supports Mitt Romney because of the way he tells it like people want to hear it.

[King]

GOP Maintains Solid Hold On Youth That Already Look Like Old Men