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Author Topic: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections  (Read 7244 times)
Mechaman
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« on: December 21, 2011, 08:56:48 am »
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So I've decided to make a thread of election summaries for those interested.

Here we go:

1789: The first Presidential Election is held a few months later than usual and poses the first real question of American Politics: Who will be George Washington's Vice President?
1792: Despite strong opposition to Administration policies, George Washington wins yet another unanimous election.  However, President Sexy Ab's VP John Adams faces a tougher time, winning re-election to the Vice Presidency with 57% of the Electoral Votes.
1796: The first election worth a damn to pay attention to has a competitive (relative to the previous two at least) has Vice President John Fatboy Adams running against Former Secretary of State and slave boning champion 12 years running Thomas Flameboyant Jefferson.  Running off of the success of Washington's Presidency Adams wins the first contested election in American election and Thomas Jefferson goes back to inventing proto-elevators and failed business ventures.
1800: Adams puts into play the Alien and Sedition Acts (otherwise known as the "Megadouchebag Acts") and people get really pissed off!  The Democratic-Republicans send over James Madison to Thomas Jefferson's mansion to douse the hungover Jefferson with lukewarm smelly water.  Madison tells a very pissed off Jefferson that Adams made him do it because Adams thinks Jefferson is a Frenchie lover.  Jefferson takes an 18th century equivalent of tylenol and drinks lots of water before embarking on his quest to vanquish President Adams.  He and Aaron Burr kick Adams ass like a mentally deficient hobo with a drinking problem.  After mugging Adams Jefferson and burr get into a fight over who gets Adams Presidency card.  The Congressmen, under the influence of fancy pants Alexander Hamilton, decide to give the Electoral Votes to Jefferson.  Burr gets the Vice Presidency and spends the next four years smoking weed and writing hate mail to Hamilton.
1804: Burr gets pissed off at Hamilton and faces Hamilton in a "Gentleman's Duel".  At the duel Hamilton falls in love with Burr and decides to shoot the air instead.  Burr, staunch homophobe he was, gets even more pissed off and decides to shoot Hamilton in the nads because Burr "ain't gay like that!"  Jefferson, shocked and outraged at Burr's bitchy behavior, decides to smack Burr across the mouth and tell him it's over.  Jefferson's pals in the Democratic Republican Party nominate Governor George Sexy Abs Clinton of New York for Jefferson's VP.  The Federalists, still getting drunk and crying Niagara Falls tears over there beloved Hamilton's death, nominate What's His Face? and Who Did You Say? for President and Vice President respectively.  Surprisingly, President Thomas So Sexy He Bones Slaves Jefferson and Governor George Hotter Than the Devil's Crap Clinton win a massive landslide election.
1808: James Madison and George Clinton run for election.  What's His Face? is nominated again for the Federalist ticket.  Despite the mood being against the Democratic-Republicans the populace voted Madison and Clinton into office in a landslide because f*** What's His Face.
1812: James Madison gets into a pissing match with Great Britain.  The tall and handsome DeWitt Clinton, relative to Governor George Sexy Abs Clinton, runs in an opposition ticket of anti-war Democratic Republicans and Federalists.  Despite DeWitt's undeniable sexiness and tall stature, the midget fail Madison (DC burned under his watch!  DC Burned!  EPIC FAIL!) snatches a close election.
1816: After the Federalist Party punches America in the face in the middle of a knife fight with Great Britain, America votes in James TEH GREATEST! Monroe as President.  During his first four years as President America enters paradise and everybody loves each other (thus the Era of Good Feelings).  Not a bad thing is said about anyone and everybody loves each other.  Everything is so great that beautiful Sergio Leone film scores, evoking a tale of a mythical tale of an America that once was, can be heard in the background.  Bald eagles shed tears at the awesomeness of this era.
1820: James Monroe makes love to Darling America.  In the afterglow nobody runs for President as James Monroe goes on stage and says the ID4 speech (despite the lack of an alien invasion) and wins election unanimously.  Well, except for some dude in New Hampshire who cast an electoral vote for John Little Q Adams.

To be continued.
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« Reply #1 on: December 21, 2011, 10:04:32 am »
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You should be an historian. Smiley
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« Reply #2 on: December 21, 2011, 02:06:33 pm »
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So I've decided to make a thread of election summaries for those interested.

Here we go:

1789: The first Presidential Election is held a few months later than usual and poses the first real question of American Politics: Who will be George Washington's Vice President?
1792: Despite strong opposition to Administration policies, George Washington wins yet another unanimous election.  However, President Sexy Ab's VP John Adams faces a tougher time, winning re-election to the Vice Presidency with 57% of the Electoral Votes.
1796: The first election worth a damn to pay attention to has a competitive (relative to the previous two at least) has Vice President John Fatboy Adams running against Former Secretary of State and slave boning champion 12 years running Thomas Flameboyant Jefferson.  Running off of the success of Washington's Presidency Adams wins the first contested election in American election and Thomas Jefferson goes back to inventing proto-elevators and failed business ventures.
1800: Adams puts into play the Alien and Sedition Acts (otherwise known as the "Megadouchebag Acts") and people get really pissed off!  The Democratic-Republicans send over James Madison to Thomas Jefferson's mansion to douse the hungover Jefferson with lukewarm smelly water.  Madison tells a very pissed off Jefferson that Adams made him do it because Adams thinks Jefferson is a Frenchie lover.  Jefferson takes an 18th century equivalent of tylenol and drinks lots of water before embarking on his quest to vanquish President Adams.  He and Aaron Burr kick Adams ass like a mentally deficient hobo with a drinking problem.  After mugging Adams Jefferson and burr get into a fight over who gets Adams Presidency card.  The Congressmen, under the influence of fancy pants Alexander Hamilton, decide to give the Electoral Votes to Jefferson.  Burr gets the Vice Presidency and spends the next four years smoking weed and writing hate mail to Hamilton.
1804: Burr gets pissed off at Hamilton and faces Hamilton in a "Gentleman's Duel".  At the duel Hamilton falls in love with Burr and decides to shoot the air instead.  Burr, staunch homophobe he was, gets even more pissed off and decides to shoot Hamilton in the nads because Burr "ain't gay like that!"  Jefferson, shocked and outraged at Burr's bitchy behavior, decides to smack Burr across the mouth and tell him it's over.  Jefferson's pals in the Democratic Republican Party nominate Governor George Sexy Abs Clinton of New York for Jefferson's VP.  The Federalists, still getting drunk and crying Niagara Falls tears over there beloved Hamilton's death, nominate What's His Face? and Who Did You Say? for President and Vice President respectively.  Surprisingly, President Thomas So Sexy He Bones Slaves Jefferson and Governor George Hotter Than the Devil's Crap Clinton win a massive landslide election.
1808: James Madison and George Clinton run for election.  What's His Face? is nominated again for the Federalist ticket.  Despite the mood being against the Democratic-Republicans the populace voted Madison and Clinton into office in a landslide because f*** What's His Face.
1812: James Madison gets into a pissing match with Great Britain.  The tall and handsome DeWitt Clinton, relative to Governor George Sexy Abs Clinton, runs in an opposition ticket of anti-war Democratic Republicans and Federalists.  Despite DeWitt's undeniable sexiness and tall stature, the midget fail Madison (DC burned under his watch!  DC Burned!  EPIC FAIL!) snatches a close election.
1816: After the Federalist Party punches America in the face in the middle of a knife fight with Great Britain, America votes in James TEH GREATEST! Monroe as President.  During his first four years as President America enters paradise and everybody loves each other (thus the Era of Good Feelings).  Not a bad thing is said about anyone and everybody loves each other.  Everything is so great that beautiful Sergio Leone film scores, evoking a tale of a mythical tale of an America that once was, can be heard in the background.  Bald eagles shed tears at the awesomeness of this era.
1820: James Monroe makes love to Darling America.  In the afterglow nobody runs for President as James Monroe goes on stage and says the ID4 speech (despite the lack of an alien invasion) and wins election unanimously.  Well, except for some dude in New Hampshire who cast an electoral vote for John Little Q Adams.

To be continued.


You would be surprised at how close we are in terms of explaining Presidential elections. That's almost exactly how I explained them to Laura Tongue
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« Reply #3 on: December 22, 2011, 04:16:32 pm »
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1824: After everybody spent the last four years smoking weed and having promiscuous sex with each other, the nation suddenly realizes that there is like only one party left.  Well, the Federalists were still around but they were so weak by this time that all of their members could fit inside a Starbucks To Go and still have three tables left for hipsters to debate the philosophical context of Inception while high off of five rolls of paper bread.
What is paper bread you ask?  Well I say shut the hell up and listen to the rest of this story!  Do I look like friggin wikipedia to you?
Anyway, in late 1823 AD the Democratic Republican Party realizes that a repeat of the 1820 Election would be the Most F***Ing Boring Sequel Ever and then run at least a hundred or so candidates.  Due to a series of unfortunate events the candidate pool is reduced to four.  The following four were:

1. John Q. Adams of Massachusetts: Mostly well known for his bitchin hairstyles, John Q. Adams ran as the candidate of elitist blue blooded crouton eating grey poupon loving New England.  Strangely enough, he ran as a Democratic Republican, which is indication of just how elitist the fail party known as the Federalist Party really was.  If elected President he promises to raise tariffs by OVER 9000 and swim across the Potomac in the middle of winter BUCK NAKED and sex his lady up like a Christmas Tree immediately after swimming.  Everybody agrees that John Q. Adams, despite being the son of Fatboy, is a certified badass.  Mrs. Adams, most impressed with his sexual virilitility, condemns the manhood of the other candidates.  America agress.
2. Andrew Jackson of Tennessee: Runs as the candidate of backwoods inbreeded Appalachia Irish Scot-Irish America, Jackson displays a particular interest in shooting people.  It is estimated that his kill count is at least a hundred people.  Jackson, a the certifiably insane cider addicted jock-mick psychopath lunatic that he is runs a off of a campaign of virulent anti-elitism.  In layman's term he runs as the quintessential "f*** you!" candidate and promises to shoot any and everyone that comes in his way.  He also thinks that Adams is a f***ing freak bastard who doesn't understand the concept of "bigger is better".  Despite his campaign posturing, Mrs. Adams refuses to endorse Jackson in fears of his "Enormous Philosophy" being contaminated.
3. Henry Clay of Kentucky: Mostly well known for switching between the House and the Senate more than your unfaithful cheating sh*t of a father jumps between your mother and her floozy harlot of a best friend, Henry Clay is running as the Badass candidate.  While other candidates let others campaign for them door to door Clay takes it to the EXTREME! by actually campaigning in Congress about his American System!  Isn't that the most damned American thing you've ever heard?  The American System?  How can anybody beat that?  Oh wait.........
4. William H. Crawford of Georgia: The Tim Pawlenty of 1824.  I mean really who the hell was this guy and what was he notable for besides getting a stroke or some crap like that?  Pretty much his greatest appeal seemed to be (at least to the all knowing OP) that he wasn't the three other douchebags running for President.  Which, in hindsight, is a pretty good argument.

As a result Andrew Jackson wins the electio-Oh wait.........what is this?  The Election is deadlocked and goes to the House where the Moe-Rons decide that John I like to Bone In the Cold Adams is elected President.  A thousand thumbs up for shrinkage!
« Last Edit: December 24, 2011, 02:28:20 pm by Staff Sergeant Sean Dignam »Logged



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« Reply #4 on: December 24, 2011, 01:28:09 pm »
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I really love this.
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« Reply #5 on: December 24, 2011, 03:49:29 pm »
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Me too. I wonder how he'll do 1860.
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« Reply #6 on: December 26, 2011, 02:20:50 am »
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1828: After a few years of sitting in the background drinking hard apple cider Andrew Jackson decides to run again on a platform of "F*** You Two: The Comeback".  His platform is more ambitious this time, emphasizing a disdain for the evil National Bank, the Great Creator of All Evil!  Elaborate cartoons portray the crazy as sh*t Andrew Jackson, with his old white hair and his frilly outfits, vanquishing a proto-Spaghetti Monster and people eat that sh*t up.  Feeling that isn't enough Andy Jacky also campaigns on expanding the vote to all white males.......yes even Alcoholics!!!!!
We were quite shocked.
Thus began the American tradition of trying to win the Dumbass Vote.
John Q. Adams campaigns on "man Andrew Jackson is a crazy psychopath".  Shockingly his message wouldn't resonate with the American people, who admittedly preferred getting shot at by a crazed proto-Redneck over John Q. Adams.  The loss was almost as abominable as the Tariffs he signed while President (hehehehe, get it?)

1832: Oh sh*t, where do I even start with this one?  (snorts white powder) Oh right..........after America elected Andrew Jackson they suddenly realized how crazy he was.  I mean my god, the American people were literally sh*tting themselves over who would President Jackson shoot next!  Better yet, many were more concerned about him defending a lecherous divorced woman!  Which was really horrible considering he spent his first term telling South Carolina and a bunch of Indians to go f*** themselves.
My god, there must be somebody who can stop this madman!
Oh wait......what's this?
It's our good old friend Henry Clay!  Candidate of the National Republican Party!  This time Clay expands his policies in the campaign, emphasizing an emphasis on internal improvements and congressional authority and sticking up for the poor lil bullied National Bank.  In short he campaigns on how much of a dick President Andrew Jackson is, which is kind of the point of political campaigns.  He promises if elected President he will lock up Andrew Jackson in solitary confinement before he shoots anymore people or commits more genocides.  In reality he was doing it to pay the mortgage.
And then there were some dudes who took votes as the "Nullifier Party" in South Carolina.  But hey South Carolina is gay, so who cares?
Last but not least, the Anti-Masons.  The only political party at the time who was willing to stand up the against the evil corruption and Baal worship of the hedonistic sodomites in the political establishment!  Gods be praised!  It's about time somebody stood up for America!
And in yet another logic defying moment America, presumably with the help of millions of dumbasses who now had the right to vote, voted Super Psycho Man "I like to brew and eat kittens" Andrew Jackson into the Presidency.
Again.
Psycho.
Gun happy.
Pot smoking.
Dumbass.
Jackson.
Winner.
Two Out of Three.
What.
The.
F***?
America?
« Last Edit: December 26, 2011, 02:29:34 am by Staff Sergeant Sean Dignam »Logged



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« Reply #7 on: January 02, 2012, 11:08:04 pm »
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Keep it up!
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« Reply #8 on: January 03, 2012, 12:14:36 am »
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You're actually making me like Andrew Jackson.
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« Reply #9 on: January 03, 2012, 10:11:23 am »
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Keep it up!

I'll try to put up 1836 and 1840 up tonight.

I'll admit, between my alcohol, Skyrim, and Scorsese addictions it's kind of hard to keep up with this site lately.
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« Reply #10 on: January 03, 2012, 03:12:20 pm »
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1836: After eight years of insanity Andrew Jackson decides to show great mercy to the American people and decline a third term.  Seeing this as an opportunity to free his people, the Flying Dutchmen, Vice President Martin Van Drunken Midget Buren runs for the presidency.  Despite the bee ba jeeba redneck retards protesting his nomination because he was a New York Democrat and oh noes them people gonna be taken our moneys for alcohol and elitism he manages to win the Democratic nomination.
In the wake of the dissolution of the National Republican Party, the Whig Party (otherwise known as Henry Clay's Drinking Buddies) was formed for the sole purpose of telling Andrew Jackson to go f*** himself.  Oh and something about funding Internal Improvements.
The Whig Party, being the vaguest party in American history, decided that instead of running a candidate for President they would run AT A HUNDRED because in the words of Henry Clay "f*** Jackson".
Frankly, I'm too drunk at the moment to recall who the hell were everybody who was running.  There might've been a sisterf***er in South Carolina going through his rebellious grunge phase who was running in South Carolina because everybody in South Carolina hated everybody not South Carolina.  Or maybe it was over gay rights?  Who the f*** knows what those people were doing anyway and why the f*** do you even care?  What do you think this is a thread over elections or some stupid retard sh*t similar that attracts the five second attention spans of hard-ons?
Jesus kid, go rent a comic or some sh*t.  Or at least have the damn decency to have change on you when using the city bus you bum.  No wonder why your father's ashamed of you.
The other Whig candidates were:

US Senator Daniel Webster: The nads on this hard-on man!  Thinking he's so coolcore because he has the same name as the ratf*** who invented the dictionary.  F*** him!
(takes a breath)
Sorry, it's been a real emotional day.  I just saw the Star Wars Blu-ray movies.  I don't know how I'm going to be able to pull through after today.  It's like my son died today.
Anyway, Daniel Proto-Moderate Hero Webster thinks he's so hard-oned and badass that he runs as teh Whig Candidate in Massachusetts.  Because f*** everybody else, that is how the Massholes do stuff.
US Senator Hugh Lawson of Tennessee: A former Democrat who was scared Sh*tless by the batsh*t insane Jackson, Hugh Lawson is running for the presidency because he's scared of batsh*t insane men becoming president.  Also, "F*** Jackson."
Former US Senator William H. Harrison: Some old fart who was popular for defending a fort back when the dinosaurs roamed the earth.  He was also a thousand and two f***ing years old, though I don't know how the hell that will help him when it comes to boffing the secretaries or what not.  For some reason the old f***in' fart was deemed cooler and more sexy than the Daniel "Hard-on" Webster and the northern wing of the party, absent the Massholes, got behind Harrison.  However, nobody remembers this campaign because he and the other three losers running on the Whig side weren't even cool enough to get a majority of EV votes against the Vice President of the psycho hillbilly who was President for the preceding eight years.
Man, what losers.
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« Reply #11 on: January 03, 2012, 03:44:53 pm »
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This thread is awesome. Smiley Keep it up !
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« Reply #12 on: January 03, 2012, 07:00:47 pm »
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You're actually making me like Andrew Jackson.

How can you not like him? :O  He's a bigger badass than teddy!
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Other: Rob McCoy (CA Assembly)

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« Reply #13 on: January 03, 2012, 07:04:51 pm »
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You're actually making me like Andrew Jackson.

How can you not like him? :O  He's a bigger badass than teddy!

My history constantly pushes him, & I'm pretty sure he thinks either Jefferson or Jackson is our best President. My teacher's also a liberal democrat, go figure. Therefore, I'm obligated to not like him.
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« Reply #14 on: January 03, 2012, 07:35:10 pm »
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You're actually making me like Andrew Jackson.

How can you not like him? :O  He's a bigger badass than teddy!

My history constantly pushes him, & I'm pretty sure he thinks either Jefferson or Jackson is our best President. My teacher's also a liberal democrat, go figure. Therefore, I'm obligated to not like him.

True, but many Liberal Democrats like Ron Paul...would that change your opinion of him?  Judging by your new yellow colors, I don't think so Wink. Btw how do they feel on you? Wink
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Drink Too Much:
http://uselectionatlas.org/FORUM/index.php?topic=147022.0

An Empire of Stars and Stripes:

http://uselectionatlas.org/FORUM/index.php?topic=156974.0

Quote
FOOL!  I AM Cathcon!

Endorsements:
President: Hillary Clinton
Governor: Brown (CA), Corbett (PA), Scott (FL)
House: Emken (CA)
Other: Rob McCoy (CA Assembly)

---------------------------------------

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« Reply #15 on: January 03, 2012, 08:49:10 pm »
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Elections I'm particularly looking forward too: 1860, 1864, 1960, 1876, 1888, 2000, all of FDR's elections, 1912, and 1920.
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« Reply #16 on: January 04, 2012, 01:49:26 am »
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Btw this is great!
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Drink Too Much:
http://uselectionatlas.org/FORUM/index.php?topic=147022.0

An Empire of Stars and Stripes:

http://uselectionatlas.org/FORUM/index.php?topic=156974.0

Quote
FOOL!  I AM Cathcon!

Endorsements:
President: Hillary Clinton
Governor: Brown (CA), Corbett (PA), Scott (FL)
House: Emken (CA)
Other: Rob McCoy (CA Assembly)

---------------------------------------

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« Reply #17 on: January 05, 2012, 10:33:43 am »
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1840: At the beginning everybody and their grandmother was expecting President Van Buren to be the greatest president in history and to continue the legacy of Jackson.  However, once in office he started sucking awesomely bad because the economy did not like Martin Van Buren.  In fact Van Buren might be known as the first President in office who was even doing it wrong all four years in office.  Everybody and their grandmother, who were unemployed thanks to the damn Economy, the bastard, were mad at Van Buren and the Democrats for doing nothing to alleviate their pains.
Whig politicians, pulling a "hahaha I told you so", started blaming Andrew Jackson's elimination of the evil Second Bank as part of the problem because the Second Bank was actually America's friend and Andrew Jackson was just a dickhead who liked to steal lunch money and shoot people.  However none of them said that to Andrew Jackson's face in fear of getting shot (obviously).
By 1840 Martin Van Buren was still sucking mightily.  People were so pissed off they started referring to the President as "Martin Van Motherf***in Ruin".  In the great list of all evil things ever done to humanity Martin Van Buren's Presidency was almost as bad as the invention of trial lawyers.  Needless to say the Whigs were having a field day with the Administration.
Whig leader Henry Clay, having yet another mortgage he needed to pay off and seeing that he might actually have a chance in hell, runs for president.  But so does old ass William Harrison and some old fat general guy named Winfield Scott who is notable for being a general long before your drunk and devious jerk father took advantage of your innocent and vulnerable teenage mother behind the schoolyard all those years ago.  Man what a pervert!  There should be a law against what he did!  I never knew what she saw in that bastard papist child molester!  Damned Irish, fornicating ore dotters and stealin ore jobs!  And Democrats want these people to be able to vote?
Absolute madness says I!
(puts monocle on and smokes a long cigar)
Another problem for Clay was that he, being the very smart man he was, decided to hold the convention like a year before the election.  Which is great except for in December of 1839 people were too busy getting drunk and crying like little habeens about the economy to notice the convention.  I mean god, what an amateur.
As a result of people moaning and groaning about failure and with the lack of an electoral mandate that would come in the following Spring this left Henry Clay in the mode of fail.  After five ballots or so he would find himself losing to the apple cider drinking backwoods log cabin dwelling William Harrison who was loud and proud about being a country bumpkin and about losing his virginity to his beloved cousin Vera (social mores seem to relax a bit nowdays when it's out in low level Appalachia where the men romantically sex beavers in the belief that the resulting fur coat will be of high quality.  Yes, they even f*** what they kill down there).
Due to Harrison's ability to plead "NOT WITH THEM!!!" in regards to the disappointing House election of 1838 he was able to seize the momentum and once again prove that in the Whig Party there is nothing more sexy than being an old distinguished gentleman of military valor, and a he babeba proto-redneck who drinks apple cider like it's going out of style.  To give the ticket an air of sophistication and sexy the convention would nominate Virginian moderate hero John Tyler as Vice President.  Tyler, who was well known for going through his teenage rebellion phase and becoming a Whig "because all the cool kids were doing it", would prove to be a very fateful pick for Harrison.
The issue of slavery would turn out to be very important in this election as the Liberty Party was formed as a single issue anti-slavery ticket because the Democrats and the Whigs cared more about Law and Order reruns than they did about the slave issue.  This explains why, unlike any period in American history, that the 1840's-1850's are generally known as the "What the F***!" years in American history.
As a result of Harrison's nomination this would put the Democratic Party in the odd place of playing ELITIST BASTARDS! for the first time in electoral history.  Harrison, channeling a less psycho Andrew Jackson, came out portraying himself as the grand woodchucking, log cabin living, cider drinking, and patriotic American hero who is the man for you!  The man of the people!  Unlike that snobbish elitist bastard Van Buren, who was probably drinking chardonay and eating beet battered creme du layed grilled shrimp off of a shiny golden plate, at public expense no less, while Harrison went around the nation campaigning for the votes of uneducated beaver f***ers!  Talk about true dedication and love the American people!
This strategy of promoting the hard work ethic of the uneducated and inbreeded Harrison was able to portray himself as the Andrew Jackson, minus the psycho, over the evil elitist Van Buren (who, ironically, was Jackson's hand picked successor).  This distortion of images, with no regard of actual policies, was a very impressive win for those politicians who would seek to win based off the pure objective stupidity of the electorate.
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« Reply #18 on: January 05, 2012, 06:09:30 pm »
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I <3 you Mech.
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« Reply #19 on: January 06, 2012, 03:30:34 pm »
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I <3 you Mech.
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« Reply #20 on: January 08, 2012, 03:42:18 am »
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1844: Almost immediately after his three hour speech in the freezing cold rain William Harrison would go onto be the greatest president that ever lived.
Just kidding.  The dumbass kicked the bucket a month into office.  This would make him shortest Presidential term in office and the dumbest sack of sh*t that ever got elected into public office.  I mean damn what kind of moronic hardon makes a three hour Inauguration Address in the middle of a coldass hell rainy March day wearing no overcoat.  I mean really man?  How pathetic can one get!?
Well, as dumb as Harrison was in life he was even dumber in death.  As a result of dying in office his Vice President John Son of a Bitch Tyler became President after a certain amount of time of debate over exactly what the Presidential succession laws were.
Oh if only he were forced to stand for election.
Almost immediately into office John Tyler began to reach a level of selfish assholery only achieved by trial lawyers and used car salesmen.  His presidential motto was "f*** you and everybody else too!"  His level of jerkyness was so high that it made Andrew Jackson look competent and sane.  He was such a failure in office that his own party abandoned him a year into office and, despite not changing jack diddly sh*t, the Whigs were overwhelmingly thrown out of office in 1842.
As a result of his unpopularity and tendency to give everyone the finger the Whig Party sought to remove John Tyler from possible continuance by rallying behind their champion Henry Clay (who was stilli trying to pay the mortgage).  His Democratic opponent would be James Polk, some random former House Speaker who loved the idea of Manifest Destiny.  In other words, the idea of land gain turned James Polk on so there was more breeding room for rich white people to f*** each other silly like rabbits American citizens to expand their ideals of liberty and common justice.
Yes, I had no idea what the f*** I just wrote.  It seemed to sound cool like and all with the big words and bullsh*t codifiers but I thought I could get away with it.  Sadly, due to the fact that I don't understand half the sh*t I write (especially on college papers) this failed greatly.  It's almost as embarrassing as John Tyler's presidency.  I humbly and sincerely apologizing for trying to pull the metaphorical wool over your instruments of vision and sincerely bless your needs for fulfillment in reading this entry.
Henry Clay's campaign focused on one overarching theme unlike all other campaigns he campaigned on.  The theme was simply: "Who the hell is James Polk?"  Oddly enough Polk would pioneer the great electoral strategy of wearing a proto-mullet while running for president.  Many southerners, feeling a great sense of pride knowing that the Democratic Party approved of "business in the front, party in the back" overwhelmingly supported Clay for President.  Even the fact that he supported the annexation of drunken and murder happy Texas couldn't get in the way of his surge to victory.
Well, the fact that the Liberty Party stole votes from the dull as hell "I couldn't win a Presidential election against Hitler" Henry Clay who mostly shut the f*** up for most of the campaign.
Henry Clay, realizing he would never pay off his mortgage, drowned his loss getting drunk off of OceanSpray Cranberry Juice.
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17:20   bore   the point of atlasia is to achieve things which you can then use as pick up lines
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« Reply #21 on: January 08, 2012, 02:30:19 pm »
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You're actually making me like Andrew Jackson.

How can you not like him? :O  He's a bigger badass than teddy!

I don't think so.

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Antonio V
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« Reply #22 on: January 09, 2012, 04:58:19 pm »
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I want this continued !
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22:15   ComradeSibboleth   this is all extremely terrible and in all respects absolutely fycking dire.

It really is.



"A reformist is someone who realizes that, when you bang your head on a wall, it's the head that breaks rather than the wall."

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« Reply #23 on: January 09, 2012, 08:33:17 pm »
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I want this continued !
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Mechaman
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« Reply #24 on: January 09, 2012, 08:40:33 pm »
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Sorry for the delay.

I'm a little toked right now.

I'm much better at coming up with this stuff when I'm drunk.
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17:20   bore   the point of atlasia is to achieve things which you can then use as pick up lines
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