Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections
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Author Topic: Mechaman Summarizes the Presidential Elections  (Read 21024 times)
Antonio the Sixth
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« Reply #50 on: March 03, 2012, 05:54:28 AM »

Mechaman should get drunk more often. Wink
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Jerseyrules
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« Reply #51 on: March 08, 2012, 12:36:30 AM »

Just wondering if that's your real opinion of Millard Fillmore.

Nah, my real opinion is more moderate hero.

Considering how bad the presidents around him were, he's not really that bad of a president.  His run as the Know Nothing candidate is a pretty black mark in my book, but considering that a lot of former Whigs joined the party mostly out of a "f*** Pierce" motivation it's not that bad of a factor.

Couldn't have said it better myself Wink.  I really hope you don't let this die; you better get really loaded for 1860 Wink!
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politicus
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« Reply #52 on: March 14, 2012, 09:13:04 AM »

Funniest thread on the forum. Hope it isn't dead.
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Jerseyrules
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« Reply #53 on: March 14, 2012, 10:15:19 PM »

Funniest thread on the forum. Hope it isn't dead.
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Antonio the Sixth
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« Reply #54 on: March 15, 2012, 05:34:44 PM »

Yes, please keep this alive !
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Mechaman
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« Reply #55 on: March 22, 2012, 08:38:32 AM »

Spoiler Alert:

I've been working on the 1860 Election on and off for the past week or so.  I got it saved to a Word document and I hope to get it done by week's end.
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Antonio the Sixth
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« Reply #56 on: March 22, 2012, 12:21:58 PM »

Wow, you're starting to take this stuff seriously it seems... Wink
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Jerseyrules
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« Reply #57 on: March 22, 2012, 08:56:50 PM »

Spoiler Alert:

I've been working on the 1860 Election on and off for the past week or so.  I got it saved to a Word document and I hope to get it done by week's end.

Hope so.  WinkCheesy
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Mechaman
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« Reply #58 on: March 29, 2012, 03:14:27 PM »

Finally!  It has come back!

Election of 1860:

I'm not even going to bother with James Buchanan?
Why?  Because the man is the definition of a pure failure.  James Buchanan failed so hard that he was like a proto-Herbert Hoover: Moderate Heroes constantly moan about how misunderstood he was and how he was really a good gay guy inside and that his bad term in office was due to the actions of predecessors.  Which is a really lame way of saying "this guy f***ed up so badly it's embarrassing so we are trying to create an alternate reality where he had redeemable qualities."
Which is to say they're full of sh*t and are the type of guys who go to Prom Night with their sisters.  Though to be fair to them their sisters are really hot, so I don't really blame them.
James Buchanan was such an epic f***ing failure that even Franklin Pierce won the award "Not as Bad as James Buchanan."
As a result of Buchanan's efforts to fail beyond the very worst failing failure the Election of 1860 would be a wide open election.  It would be the first election since 1824 to have four powerful tickets running, all vying for a sizable chunk of the population.  Of note:

1. Stephen Douglas of the Democratic Party: Continuing the great traditions of Democrats lacking a spine since 1852, Stephen Douglas campaigns on the idea of being as inoffensive to everybody as possible.  One of his primary positions is supporting popular sovereignty on the issue of slavery, because meh damn it the people get what they vote for!  This would absolve Stephen Douglas of any moral responsibility for making decisions, because as we all know it's because presidents make decisions that they are hated!  As of this writing a hundred and fifty years later, people still don't know what the hell Douglas was campaigning on or why the hell they should've voted for him.
2. So and So and Blah Blah for the Constitutional Union Party: For those who didn't even have the spine to vote Democratic, the Constitutional Union was the party for the EXTREME MODERATE HEROES.  Moderate Heroes so extreme in their spinelessness and their devotion to NOT TAKING ANY DAMN SIDES EVER! that they made a party dedicated solely to fighting the possibility of a Civil War.  If the Constitutional Union Party were given Crest or Colgate toothpaste they would stand in the back like a social retard and refuse to brush their teeth rather than choose between two different toothpaste brands in the fear that their fanboy friends would freak the sh*t out over it.  A man who was in the Constitutional Union Party would be certain to die a virgin that's how spineless the party was.  Let it be known that in the history of the United States, and maybe even the friggin world, it's impossible to come even remotely close to the pussywhipped machine known as the "Constitutional Union Party".
3. John Breckenridge of the Southern Democratic Party: Tired of the principleless stances of northern Democrats, many southerners walked out of the convention and started up their own in opposition.  Running off of an openly pro-slavery platform that promised to return America "back to the way it was meant to be", the party would be perceived as having an insane amount of balls.  Despite the Southern Democrats pretty much running on a "f*** you all!" platform the spineless loser Buchanan decided to endorse this party over a more reasonable party like say the Democratic Party.  This would result in James Buchanan, now known as perhaps the most unreasonably failed failure of a president, into being known as a Giant Doucheass that nobody and their grandmother would like.  Everywhere everybody and their grandmother started helling "What the hell asshole!" in regards to the President's boner killer endorsement of the Southern Democrats.
4. Abraham Lincoln of the Republican Party: The Republicans, feeling as though the last election told them to calm down on all of the Bob Marley inspired religions and Co-Exist t-shirt wearing, decided to go a bit more calmed down for this next election.  They ended up deciding on gothic emometal king Abraham Lincoln to lead the brigade.  Lincoln, who was selected for his moderate sensibilities, would ultimately end up being one of only two candidates who stood for damn something in this race.  I really don’t’ remember what exactly what Abraham Lincoln stood for, but he stood for something!  And that something was not saying jack sh*t while everybody and their grandmother spoke for him!  What an enthusiastic candidate!

With so many fail candidates running, how could Americans vote?  More to the point, why should Americans have voted at all?  I mean really, this sounds like the most demotivating election in history and everybody except the ticket of crazy inbreeded whites are moderate heroes!  I mean my god man, Helen Keller could pick better candidates for this year!

In the end the American People, who were sick and tired of all the useless moderate heroes that have run for the past since whenever the hell Mallard Fillmore (that damn duck) was President, decided that they would go with the somewhat moderate socially retarded man with the tall cap who took facial grooming tips from 8 year old girls over the blatantly evil ticket, the moderate hero ticket, and the super duper duper extreme moderate hero ticket.  39% became the new 51% so to speak.
Lincoln would overwhelmingly carry the North, where his support of tariffs and opposition to the further spread of douchebaggery would win him the day.  Breckenridge would carry the votes of the South due to a common hatred of grape soda, rap music, and (to a lesser extent) heavy tariffs.  Bell would carry the votes of mid Appalachia by appealing to people who thought Henry Clay was a dead sexy man but didn’t have the nads to oppose slavery.  Douglas, who had ballot access in every state except Texas and South Carolina, would win the hearts and minds of Irish Catholic America (during the half off “Early November” special for $2.50 a head) and northern farmers so dirt sticking poor they literally ate the dust of the wind and drank dead snake blood for hydration.  In other words, he managed to win the prestigious states of Missouri and New Jersey and 12 Electoral Votes.  One of the Democratic Party’s greatest electoral performances, by far.
As typical the nation would go home after voting and go through four more years of boring ass moderate heroism.
Oh. . . . .. . . wait.
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True Federalist (진정한 연방 주의자)
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« Reply #59 on: March 29, 2012, 07:14:07 PM »

Technically, no one had ballot access in South Carolina, not just Douglas, as there was no ballot.
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MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!
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« Reply #60 on: March 29, 2012, 08:05:53 PM »

Technically, no one had ballot access in South Carolina, not just Douglas, as there was no ballot.

They still were selecting electors in Legislature?
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True Federalist (진정한 연방 주의자)
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« Reply #61 on: March 29, 2012, 08:58:01 PM »

Technically, no one had ballot access in South Carolina, not just Douglas, as there was no ballot.

They still were selecting electors in Legislature?

Yes.  From 1828 to 1860 South Carolina was the lone State still having its legislature (called the General Assembly) choose Electors.  If it hadn't been for the Civil War, it would certainly have continued to do so for quite a while longer.
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Mechaman
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« Reply #62 on: March 29, 2012, 11:13:59 PM »

Technically, no one had ballot access in South Carolina, not just Douglas, as there was no ballot.

Yeah.
Thus, Stephen Douglas did not have ballot access in South Carolina Tongue
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Antonio the Sixth
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« Reply #63 on: March 30, 2012, 12:38:03 PM »

Hah ! Love the Super Duper Uber Ultimate Moderate Hero ticket of the Constitutional Union. Wink
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FEMA Camp Administrator
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« Reply #64 on: March 30, 2012, 01:24:04 PM »

Yesh! It's back!
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Mechaman
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« Reply #65 on: March 31, 2012, 08:32:45 PM »

Confession:

I did the latest entry stone cold sober while on Ritalin pills.
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Antonio the Sixth
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« Reply #66 on: April 01, 2012, 04:49:48 AM »

Confession:

I did the latest entry stone cold sober while on Ritalin pills.

It's good nonetheless. Wink
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« Reply #67 on: April 01, 2012, 08:42:56 AM »

Confession:

I did the latest entry stone cold sober while on Ritalin pills.

Sober? The horror!
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Sbane
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« Reply #68 on: April 01, 2012, 01:56:33 PM »

Confession:

I did the latest entry stone cold sober while on Ritalin pills.

Yes, having amphetamines circulating in your bloodstream is sober. Tongue Anyways, great thread and please continue.
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Mechaman
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« Reply #69 on: April 08, 2012, 11:49:11 AM »

Election of 1864:

Almost immediately into office Abraham Lincoln would soothe Southern fears that he didn't intend to force abolitionism on them.  And almost immediately, oh wait, even before he was sworn into the f***ing office, Southern states started seceding left and right.  There is some debate as to whether it was slavery, trade issues, or just Lincoln's campaigning on banning Rule 63 depictions of himself.  Given that 99.9999999918653% of the population didn't immediately renounce their American citizenship, I think that it is safe to conclude it wasn't the lack of "Baberaham Lincoln" that caused secession.
Due to the great calculations of the Southern contingent by leaving their northern Democratic brethren by theyselves to battle the extreme protectionists in the Republican Party, Republicans were able to throw in ridiculous tariffs against out trading partners even before a Republican President was in office.  Way the go guys!  Way to take one for the team!
Oh and yeah, there was something else that happened called THE CIVIL WAR, pretty much guaranteeing that the once boring emogay moderate Abraham Lincoln would go down in history as that sexy tall man with the beard and top hat that THE MILLIONS (and millions!) of the internet's fans would stroke many a one to female versions of him riding a very VERY gifted Thomas Jefferson (because Washington was already taken. . . . Ladies).  So thanks a lot assholes, you helped not only cause a Civil War that would cost hundreds of thousands of lives whose aftermath would lead to bitterness between North and South to this date, but you would also help create btardsexuality, perhaps God's most unforgivable sin.
I mean really, what f***ing hardons man.  I mean really, what jackass shoots a federal fort?  War of Northern Aggression my ass!  More like War of the Southern Retards F***ing Things Up for Everybody!  I mean really guise?!  You think you're going to get laid after Prom now?  After pulling this bullsh*t?  Not even the chick who plays the tuba in the marching band will f*** you now, and damnit she sleeps with everybody!  Even that Vermont Asshole Justin Morrill is going to get more than you!
Anyway, Lincoln's Administration, thanks to the douchebaggery of Southern retards, would be seen as popular and upholding the Union.  That is until he decided it would be a wise idea to issue an "Emancipation Proclamation".  For those of you who never took Lawyer School or those of you who only understand English, I believe this means something of a grand effect of him saying that all South's bases are now belong to him.  Or, for those of you tired of this internet speak bullsh*t, he was saying that he somehow had the authority to free all the slaves in the South.
This went really well in the South as the blackman rose against his oppressors and immediately went to serve with the North.  No, this isn't some bullsh*t, they really did go North and become hardass fighters for freedom.
Ironically, this wouldn't go so well in the North?  Why?  Because of a bunch of people who thought it was gay that the war was now being fought for slavery instead of y'know, preserving the Union and killing off retards.  Also, the well known EXTREME RACISM of Catholic immigrunts such as the IRISH (and to a lesser extent the German, Polish, Romanian, Hungarian, etc. etc. etc.), whose opposition had nothing at all to do with an biased draft system that allowed individuals to exclude theyselves from the draft for $300 which was like a million bucks back then for every Patrick and every Karl who lived on the Lower East Side.  Because who would oppose a system that took immigrants right off of the boats to die in wars they never heard of for American citizenship?  Who would oppose a system that forced people to fight in extremely bloody conflicts that involved rifles and cannons and massive death?  ONLY PEOPLE WHO HATE BLACK PEOPLE SAYS I!
As a result of the extreme anti-black bigotry and hatred of racist unAmerican unGodly childmolesting anti-Democracy and most of all Anti-Republican Hibernian alcoholic papist criminal hordes and the misunderstanding nature of German, Polish, Romanian Catholics, etc. etc. et. al. as it regards the status of the oppressed and owned slaves in this dark and bleak world the Democrats were able to make some gains in 1862 due to "Copperheads" being able to portray Lincoln as some closet radical extremist who only got us into war to free some slaves and not because the retards decided to attack a randomass fort that nobody and their grandmother can remember is located.
But anyway, now it looked like that Lincoln might not make re-election as the Democrats struck up pissed off rage against the Republican betrayal of what the Civil War was really about.  Many thought they were fighting for the survival of the Union only to find out that they were fighting for the equality for all men of all races and the end of a system that allowed men to own other men.  Such a concept pissed off many who just wanted to fight to get their pension payments so they can go back home and get their wives sexually aroused.
There were others, however, that believed that Lincoln wasn't going far enough.  These men would unite under a "Radical" banner behind the first Republican Presidential nominee, Union General John Fremont.  These guise insisted that the war should be all about freeing the slaves, that it was God's duty, and that the President and the Congress didn't go near far enough in persecuting the South.  Many estimated that this ticket would take about 500,000,000 votes from the Republicans in November 1864.
And if that wasn't enough there was the Democratic Party that found itself conflicted between "War Democrats" (see: "Moderate Heroes") and "Copperheads", the anti-war faction of the party that wanted to end the war with the South and make amends.  The Copperheads saw the war as it was being waged as a betrayal of the cause of every white man that went to fight in 1861.  They also favored free trade with Great Britain and the South, another unforgivable aspect of theirs to many patriotic Republican Americans.  Thus the War Democrats came out as in favor of the war against the South to appease people who viewed the Democratic Party as traitors.  The two factions, War Democrats and Copperheads, would fight at the National Convention for the nomination.  In the end Union General George McClellan would win the nom, a War Democrat, and his VP nominee would be Congressman George H. Pendleton, a well known anti-war Democrat who had close ties to the Copperheads.  So with all the subtlety of a West Side Gang attack of a Haitian bakery, the Democratic Party effectively became the "Peace" candidate.
To try to offset this advantage the Republicans would nominate a moderate hero "War Democrat" of their own as the VP candidate. . . . . . anyway, that seemed to balance out the sides.  Under this ticket of National Union, the Republicans maybe did have a chance in hell of winning.
There was a possibility that due to the amount of votes that Fremont would steal that in an election without the South that the underdog McClellan ticket might just win the election and that the rights of Southerners to be retarded would be recognized.  Sensing the box of worms he opened, Fremont reluctantly dropped out of the election and endorsed Lincoln against the moderate hero general who sucked so bad that he was the only Civil War General who wasn't overrated by military fetishists.  All told, even this early, McClellan was pretty screwed.
The results was pretty academic.  Lincoln had his way with McClellan in all but three states: Kentucky, Delaware, and New Jersey.  There were a few states, like Jew York, where McClellan came close and even strongly performed in certain areas.  Of note McClellan won New York City, where some neighborhoods in the Lower East Side, fed up with being the cannon fodder for Lincoln's War, voted over 90% for McClellan.  Over all, New York City, America's largest city would shock Republicans by voting over 60% Democratic.  A dark red dot (yeah that's right, I said red.  Those of you retards who refuse to adapt to the Atlas color scheme can get the f*** out and go kill yourselves.  FOREVER RED!) in a sea of dark blue.  Other areas with large immigrant populations, who felt like their plight was ignored in the Civil War, also voted Democratic.
All told, the ass kicking was of legendary proportions.  Lincoln won over 60% in seven of the twenty-five states in the Union.  Which means that he won a strong majority in 28% of the states of the Union, which is almost twice as many as McClellan even won.  This would make McClellan one of history's great losers, comparable even to that loser in 1804 who ran against Thomas Jefferson (though to be fair, that loser didn't have a popular vote system to contend with, although that probably wouldn't help him).  I mean really, what a suckyass candidate.  John Tyler could've probably did a better job than this guy running against Lincoln, if he didn't already join the South.
So with a mandate election (or whatever the hell they're calling it) in his favor, Lincoln would go onto the depths of immortality by bringing an end to this War Amongst the States.  Surely his second term would be one of great accomplishments and we would oversee a peaceful and conciliatory end to the war that caused so much hardship on the American people!
Oh wait.
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Antonio the Sixth
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« Reply #70 on: April 08, 2012, 02:41:27 PM »

This is getting better at every update ! Cheesy


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Couldn't have said it better. Smiley
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True Federalist (진정한 연방 주의자)
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« Reply #71 on: April 08, 2012, 07:43:54 PM »

I wish to mention that the only reason Federal troops were in Fort Sump Pump to begin with was that South Carolina had an inept swindler as governor.  "Hey Feds! We've seceded from y'all, but we're not going to put troops in Fort Sump Pump, because if we did, you'd likely stop paying the people working there to finish it."  Then Governor Pick Hens was surprised that a Kentuckian like Major Anderson would betray the South and move his command from the indefendable Fort Moldy Tree (the one built of palmetto logs back during the First American Revolution) to the defendable Fort Sump Pump.

Governor Pick Hens was then further surprised to learn than President Buchanan actually had enough of a spine to not order Anderson back to Fort Moldy Tree where he would have no choice but to surrender.  "How dare that sissy-boy doughface stand up to us instead of bending over to take it as he always did before!" our inept swindler was conjectured to say.
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Jerseyrules
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« Reply #72 on: April 19, 2012, 02:27:55 PM »
« Edited: April 19, 2012, 05:39:32 PM by Jerseyrules »

Confession:

I did the latest entry stone cold sober while on Ritalin pills.

Yes, having amphetamines circulating in your bloodstream is sober. Tongue Anyways, great thread and please continue.

In my case, and for others with ADHD, yes! Tongue

Love the update btw.
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« Reply #73 on: April 19, 2012, 10:23:42 PM »

The Irish obsession continues!
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Oswald Acted Alone, You Kook
The Obamanation
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« Reply #74 on: May 01, 2012, 12:15:41 AM »

He's still got over 25 elections left to cover! Looking forward to 1920! Hope he can get something out of the next several elections.
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