So I've decided to make a thread of election summaries for those interested.
Here we go:
1789: The first Presidential Election is held a few months later than usual and poses the first real question of American Politics: Who will be George Washington's Vice President?
1792: Despite strong opposition to Administration policies, George Washington wins yet another unanimous election. However, President Sexy Ab's VP John Adams faces a tougher time, winning re-election to the Vice Presidency with 57% of the Electoral Votes.
1796: The first election worth a damn to pay attention to has a competitive (relative to the previous two at least) has Vice President John Fatboy Adams running against Former Secretary of State and slave boning champion 12 years running Thomas Flameboyant Jefferson. Running off of the success of Washington's Presidency Adams wins the first contested election in American election and Thomas Jefferson goes back to inventing proto-elevators and failed business ventures.
1800: Adams puts into play the Alien and Sedition Acts (otherwise known as the "Megadouchebag Acts") and people get really pissed off! The Democratic-Republicans send over James Madison to Thomas Jefferson's mansion to douse the hungover Jefferson with lukewarm smelly water. Madison tells a very pissed off Jefferson that Adams made him do it because Adams thinks Jefferson is a Frenchie lover. Jefferson takes an 18th century equivalent of tylenol and drinks lots of water before embarking on his quest to vanquish President Adams. He and Aaron Burr kick Adams ass like a mentally deficient hobo with a drinking problem. After mugging Adams Jefferson and burr get into a fight over who gets Adams Presidency card. The Congressmen, under the influence of fancy pants Alexander Hamilton, decide to give the Electoral Votes to Jefferson. Burr gets the Vice Presidency and spends the next four years smoking weed and writing hate mail to Hamilton.
1804: Burr gets pissed off at Hamilton and faces Hamilton in a "Gentleman's Duel". At the duel Hamilton falls in love with Burr and decides to shoot the air instead. Burr, staunch homophobe he was, gets even more pissed off and decides to shoot Hamilton in the nads because Burr "ain't gay like that!" Jefferson, shocked and outraged at Burr's bitchy behavior, decides to smack Burr across the mouth and tell him it's over. Jefferson's pals in the Democratic Republican Party nominate Governor George Sexy Abs Clinton of New York for Jefferson's VP. The Federalists, still getting drunk and crying Niagara Falls tears over there beloved Hamilton's death, nominate What's His Face? and Who Did You Say? for President and Vice President respectively. Surprisingly, President Thomas So Sexy He Bones Slaves Jefferson and Governor George Hotter Than the Devil's Crap Clinton win a massive landslide election.
1808: James Madison and George Clinton run for election. What's His Face? is nominated again for the Federalist ticket. Despite the mood being against the Democratic-Republicans the populace voted Madison and Clinton into office in a landslide because f*** What's His Face.
1812: James Madison gets into a pissing match with Great Britain. The tall and handsome DeWitt Clinton, relative to Governor George Sexy Abs Clinton, runs in an opposition ticket of anti-war Democratic Republicans and Federalists. Despite DeWitt's undeniable sexiness and tall stature, the midget fail Madison (DC burned under his watch! DC Burned! EPIC FAIL!) snatches a close election.
1816: After the Federalist Party punches America in the face in the middle of a knife fight with Great Britain, America votes in James TEH GREATEST! Monroe as President. During his first four years as President America enters paradise and everybody loves each other (thus the Era of Good Feelings). Not a bad thing is said about anyone and everybody loves each other. Everything is so great that beautiful Sergio Leone film scores, evoking a tale of a mythical tale of an America that once was, can be heard in the background. Bald eagles shed tears at the awesomeness of this era.
1820: James Monroe makes love to Darling America. In the afterglow nobody runs for President as James Monroe goes on stage and says the ID4 speech (despite the lack of an alien invasion) and wins election unanimously. Well, except for some dude in New Hampshire who cast an electoral vote for John Little Q Adams.
To be continued.
You would be surprised at how close we are in terms of explaining Presidential elections. That's almost exactly how I explained them to Laura
