More Americans Rejecting Marriage in 50s and Beyond

[Beet]

Over the past 20 years, the divorce rate among baby boomers has surged by more than 50 percent, even as divorce rates over all have stabilized nationally. At the same time, more adults are remaining single. The shift is changing the traditional portrait of older Americans: About a third of adults ages 46 through 64 were divorced, separated or had never been married in 2010, compared with 13 percent in 1970, according to an analysis of recently released census data conducted by demographers at Bowling Green State University, in Ohio.

Sociologists expect those numbers to rise sharply in coming decades as younger people, who have far lower rates of marriage than their elders, move into middle age.

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[anvi]

I actually feel badly about this.  I understand all the sociological, economic, and personal transformations involved with these changes, not just in American culture but in many cultures around the world.  I am divorced myself.  But, despite the fact that it didn't work out the first time, I distinctly remember liking marriage.  I had a step-daugher too, and I distinctly remember liking being a dad.  I think, in some ways, these changes are a sign of how less and less we value one another.  But, on the other hand, I'm slowly getting older, so these sentiments are probably proof that I'm losing my mind anyway.

[Ebowed]

I think, in some ways, these changes are a sign of how less and less we value one another.

I could see coming to that conclusion based on the growing visibility of resentment towards government assistance to the poor.

Either way, I find it interesting that the sort of people who would be most concerned about this trend are (at least stereotypically) more likely to oppose the legality of same-sex marriages.

[Beet]

I actually feel badly about this.  I understand all the sociological, economic, and personal transformations involved with these changes, not just in American culture but in many cultures around the world.  I am divorced myself.  But, despite the fact that it didn't work out the first time, I distinctly remember liking marriage.  I had a step-daugher too, and I distinctly remember liking being a dad.  I think, in some ways, these changes are a sign of how less and less we value one another.  But, on the other hand, I'm slowly getting older, so these sentiments are probably proof that I'm losing my mind anyway.

This may sound wrong, but you didn't think it was tiresome to constantly have to answer to another person every day?

You didn't find it was a life-changing drain on your time, money and freedom to care for a dependent child?

[anvi]

No, I didn't.  My ex-wife is a very decent, very smart and grounded person, and when she wanted to do things that I initially didn't, when we discussed it, I often found that she was right.  I always found that the two of us tackling a problem together was always better than only one of us.

My former step-daughter was an absolute sweetheart when we were a family.  Just one example:  In the house we lived in, when I got calls on my cell, the calls would often get dropped unless I went outside and stood on the porch.  One evening, I got a very important call while upstairs, and, not wanting to lose it, I ran downstairs and onto the porch in my bare feet.  A minute and a half later, this lovely child came walking out the front door, and, smiling, put a pair of slippers at my feet.  That was my little girl, and taking care of her was an unmittigated joy.  She is no little girl now, she is all grown up, graduated from college and has her own career today--and I'm not only proud of her, I'm proud of having been able to help her acheive the life she wanted.

[Beet]

No, I didn't.  My ex-wife is a very decent, very smart and grounded person, and when she wanted to do things that I initially didn't, when we discussed it, I often found that she was right.  I always found that the two of us tackling a problem together was always better than only one of us.

My former step-daughter was an absolute sweetheart when we were a family.  Just one example:  In the house we lived in, when I got calls on my cell, the calls would often get dropped unless I went outside and stood on the porch.  One evening, I got a very important call while upstairs, and, not wanting to lose it, I ran downstairs and onto the porch in my bare feet.  A minute and a half later, this lovely child came walking out the front door, and, smiling, put a pair of slippers at my feet.  That was my little girl, and taking care of her was an unmittigated joy.  She is no little girl now, she is all grown up, graduated from college and has her own career today--and I'm not only proud of her, I'm proud of having been able to help her acheive the life she wanted.

No? Oh.

I thought you were going to say "yes, but." I understand that after the long term, you build up deeply satisfying relationships that you would never disavow. But what about all of the days cooking for your daughter, washing her clothes, cleaning up after her, teaching her menial things, dropping her off and picking her up places, dealing with friends, teachers, activities, taking her to the doctor, worrying about if she gets sick, playing with her, making conversation with her, and so on and so on? None of that is tedious-- tiresome? I think I would be paralyzed with fear, that I was doing something wrong, or else under the heavy burden of obligation. Yes, there would be long term joys, but I am not sure that the day to day grind would be worth it.

With your ex-wife, that I can understand a bit better. It really depends on if the two people are compatible. I presume from what you've written that the pain of breaking up didn't supercede the satisfaction of the time you did spend together. That's very good for you, it's nice that that was the case.

[memphis]

Anecdotally, both my parents are way over being married. Neither wants to live in an institution. I suspect many of their peers feel the same way.

[anvi]

Well, Beet, I guess I would just say that, with both former step-daughter and ex-wife, the long-term good always outweighed the short-term bad.  And, looking back on it, even the short-term bad wasn't so bad.  It's the day-to-day struggles you go through that are precisely the places where commitment is built, and where reciprocity is forged.  But, I think you're right, I was lucky in this way; even though it ended, it ended well all-around.  Many can't say that--even many of my brothers can't say that about their former marriages, and I know they struggled a lot.  So, again, I was lucky.