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Author Topic: Kalwejt Summarizes the British Parliamentary Elections  (Read 1151 times)
Pope Kalwejt I of Northeast
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« on: April 02, 2012, 05:34:05 pm »
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1906

In 1902, when the Marquis of Salisbury realized that instead of drinking with his buddies and chasing pretty girls, he essentially wasted his life, sitting all days in the House of Lords, he became very depressed and resigned as Prime Minister. He died one year later while attempting to beat some youngsters in a drinking competition.

But before that, he choose his nephew, Arthur Balfour, to replace him at 10 Downing Street. While his other nephews went to become successfull lawyers or traveling salesmen, Arthur was still living with his mom and Salisbury wanted to force him to move out and get the damn job.

In 1905 Balfour finally decided to live up to his dead uncle's expectation. He dissolved the parliament in order to win even a bigger majority for Tories, so him mom would be impressed and stop asking, if he's ever going to marry. He was confident since Liberal leader, Henry Campbell-Bannerman was really old and was sleeping at the opposition's front bench for most of the day.

However, the British people were outraged with Balfour's mean trick, aimed at a nice old man. In results, Tories lost 246 seats, including Balfour's in Manchester East, thus making Campbell-Bannerman the new Prime Minister. When he was woken up and told the news, it took him a whole day to realize he's in the Commons, not, as he thought, in a retirement home.

Meanwhile, Balfour's successfull brothers were laughing at him hard, since he proved unable to manage family business.
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Pope Kalwejt I of Northeast
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« Reply #1 on: April 02, 2012, 05:48:13 pm »
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1910

Shortly after assuming office and thanks to his new habit of drinking a glass of Tory Lord's blood every morning, a nice old man Henry Campbell-Bannerman was quickly turned into a first class badass. He did such an outrageous things as introducing school meals, state pensions, more liberal laws toward unions, unemployment pays and came disturbingly close toward riping off the Prince of Wales with his bare hands. He did, however, succeeded with breaking Balfour's legs and one arm, while the entire House of Commons loudly applauds the Prime Minister's action.

Unfortunately, the royal family, Tories and some traitors within the Liberal Party decided it's time to get rid off Campbell-Bannerman, before he rip the Prince of Wales successfully. Therefore they switched Campbell-Bannerman's daily glass of Tory Lord's blood with glass of Queen Victoria sweat, Balfour was keeping as a souvenir. Unsurprisingly, the great badass died instantly.

A random loser names Ass Quiff... pardon me, H. H. Asquith... was selected by grief-stricken Liberals (and said grief made them temporary insane). Asquith was such a loser that he only won 1910 election because Britons suddenly remembered Balfour is still living in his mom's basement.
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politicus
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« Reply #2 on: April 02, 2012, 06:14:45 pm »
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Nice! Hope you can keep it up. Lloyd George should be fun.
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Antonio V
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« Reply #3 on: April 03, 2012, 11:31:35 am »
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LOL, I actually learning many things. Grin
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22:15   ComradeSibboleth   this is all extremely terrible and in all respects absolutely fycking dire.

It really is.



"A reformist is someone who realizes that, when you bang your head on a wall, it's the head that breaks rather than the wall."

Peppino, from the movie Baaria
Pope Kalwejt I of Northeast
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« Reply #4 on: April 03, 2012, 11:50:51 am »
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October 1910

It was an incredibly cold and rainy English night, as Prime Minister Asquith was playing a poker game with his roomate, Chris. Within just two hours, Asquith lost his all clothes to Chris, except of underpant.

"Come on, dude", Asquith said. "Give me a f**king break. It's f**king cold and I need my pants".

"Ha!", Chris said. "I bet you won't dare to dissolve the parliament!"

"I dare to resolve the parliament if you give me my pants back", Asquith replied.

"Holy mindf**k Batman!", Chris said. "I like this bet".

And so Asquith did dissolve the parliament and call new election. Officially, because of those nasty Lords, blocking his budget, since he could not admit in public he needed his pants back. At the polling day, Liberals won once again and retained majority with support of Irish gangsters led by Frank Costellonationalists, because shortly before an election, Balfour was saw shopping with his mom. I mean, what a dope.
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Pope Kalwejt I of Northeast
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« Reply #5 on: April 08, 2012, 03:25:05 pm »
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1918

Until 1914, the Parliament basically gave Asquith everything he wanted in exchange for him not becoming such a badass like Campbell-Bannerman. A nice man, Asquith was, promised solemnly he will not attempt to harm the Prince of Wales in any way. There were years of peace, harmony and prosperity...

Yes, until 1914 indeed, when an innocent student prank in Sarajevo turned nasty. People all across the Europe were very, very upset and, in order to let the upset go away, they decided to declare war on each other. So, the next time you're planning a practical joke, THINK AGAIN!

When the war broke out, Asquith niceness became a major obstacle, because Kaiser Wilhelm openly considered him a major pussy. And it was the only issue Wilhelm and British Parliament agreed on.

So, after two difficult years, everyone decided that Asquith must vacant his 10 Downing Street Apartment and allow his Chancellor of the Exchequer, David Lloyd Bentsen George, to move in (to make it formal, he had to kiss a hand of his new landlord, Mr. George von Sachsen-Coburg-Gotha).

Now, things did change dramatically.

Little earlier, in 1915, Tories decided to finally tell Balfour he can't hang out with them anymore, because he's momma's boy and, thus, is scaring pretty gals away. They admitted a new cool kid, an exchange student from Canada, Andrew Bonar LawBoner Low, to the club.

To secure his position, Lloyd George admitted Boner Low and his Tories to the government.

Lloyd George was supported by all major parties for one important reason: he was a total badass. He had a badass mustaches and, as Chancellor, he became famous for plotting to decapitate all Lords. most importantly, he spoke in a very scary language.

Two years later Kaiser Wilhelm finally realized badass Lloyd George is the new Asquith (he was kind of slow) and got really scared. Holy sh**t!, he said. Being scared to death with Lloyd George'S Welsh talk, he abdicated and ran away.

VICTORY!

One month after Slow Wilhelm gave up, Lloyd George and Boner Low won an election in landslide as "coalition", over Sinn Fein dudes, who were never showing up in London, Labour and Asquith Liberals. By the way, after being thrown out, Asquith became a bitter loser and devoted all his energy to troll Lloyd George. His trolling was so freakishly annoying that Nym banned Asquith from his seat in East Fife.

And now the nation was going experience a great peace and prosperity under victorious and beloved badass Lloyd George... oh wait.

Actually, when Lloyd George was out celebrating his victory, Boner Low filled the cabinet with his buddies. And when Lloyd George returned, on a heavy hungover, he realized, he's now in minority.

"Ah, what the hell", he told himself. "I can still live at 10 Downing Street". 

R US SURE, BRO?


TO BE CONTINUED....
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Antonio V
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« Reply #6 on: April 08, 2012, 03:52:46 pm »
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Hilarious, keep it going. Smiley
« Last Edit: April 08, 2012, 03:55:27 pm by Antonio V »Logged

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22:15   ComradeSibboleth   this is all extremely terrible and in all respects absolutely fycking dire.

It really is.



"A reformist is someone who realizes that, when you bang your head on a wall, it's the head that breaks rather than the wall."

Peppino, from the movie Baaria
Pope Kalwejt I of Northeast
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« Reply #7 on: April 09, 2012, 07:47:15 am »
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1922

After his epic wartime victory, Lloyd George did not simply sit down and enjoy his fame. He was, in fact, an extremely busy man, spending months abroad, by attending cabarets in Versailles, where he passionately argued with Clemenceau who can drink more before losing consciousness. Because neither side wanted to back down, they came up with a Treaty to establish limits on how much one can drink during one night. Germans were heavily restricted and, naturally, became very resentful.

In addition, Lloyd George, disappointed that de Valera and his hommies are never attending his parties due to their principle of absentionism (whatever does that mean), decided to let Irish go, as long as they'd swear oath of allegiance to Mr. Windsor (formerly von Sachsen-Coburg-Gotha).

Furthermore, he radically expanded suffrage. When warned by his colleagues about possible political consequences, he just shrugged. F**k, I won the war, he said. People love me too much.

Really?

When Lloyd George was out, telling Irish to GTFO and arguing with Clemenceau about limits of brevage, Tories finally told Boner Low that he's either going to become a man on his own, or they'll start partying with Balfour again. Confronted with such a dreadful prospects, Boner Low packed all of Lloyd George's possessions and sent away from 10 Downing Street.

In November 1922, the people of Britain, bored with crazy Welshman, confirmed his decision. Conservatives scored a solid win over Asquith's liberals and Lloyd George's "National Liberals", since the two were too busy trolling each other.

Oh, and there was one more small, funny party. They were socialist, you know? Labour? Yes, funny name, indeed. Because of their socialism, they'll never become a major party, as they are standing against the very British morality...

Oops... (insert Rick Perry's face here) They actually won 142, far above of two liberal trolls.
« Last Edit: April 09, 2012, 11:40:01 am by Kalwejt »Logged

Pope Kalwejt I of Northeast
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« Reply #8 on: April 09, 2012, 11:53:35 am »
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1923

Shortly after installing at 10 Downing Street, Boner Law received a devastating news: his exchange student visa was about to expire and he'll have to go back to New Brunswick.

Unable to cope with such a disaster coming, Boner Law decided, before he leaves, to party like he never parties before. Consequences were tragic, as he was introducted to cocaine, which, as well all know, is a helluva drug. RIP.

Now, Tories had a bit of problem with selecting a new leader (although they were sure no temporary resident can be chosen again). Finally, they settled down with dude names Stanley Baldwin.

Now, Baldwin was totally unassuming guy, who nevertheless impressed Tories with his abilities to eat more than they all combined. And because post-war Prime Ministership required attending huge dinners with the King, no one else could possibly stomach this.

For this very reason, Lord Curzon was not invited to form the government, as his stomach was just too delicate to dine with the King. Because Curzon, whose hobby was to draw lines in his school Atlas (dear Poles, stop blaming Stalin for eastern borders!), was ashamed of his delicate condition, he said it's only because he was not allowed to enter the House of Commons (no, not because he was a Lord, but because constable was specifically instructed to not let him in, as long as he won't paid for damages to the wall, caused early in his political career).

Despite enjoying a huge majority, Baldwin wanted to be known as a man of his own. Therefore, he dissolved the parliament. He also did not campaign, resting after having a tasty pudding.

At the end, Tories remained the largest parliamentary group, but in minority to Labour and Liberals combined (since Asquith and Lloyd George temporary stopped to troll each other, at Dallasfan65's request).

It's OK, Baldwin shrugged. I don't have to give a s**t as long as they don't ask for a vote of confidence.

Well, unfortunately for him, Ramsay Macdonald did check the wiki and knew what to do.
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Antonio V
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« Reply #9 on: April 09, 2012, 12:32:24 pm »
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Death to Curzon ! Bring back pre-1939 Poland ! Tongue
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22:15   ComradeSibboleth   this is all extremely terrible and in all respects absolutely fycking dire.

It really is.



"A reformist is someone who realizes that, when you bang your head on a wall, it's the head that breaks rather than the wall."

Peppino, from the movie Baaria
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« Reply #10 on: April 10, 2012, 01:49:07 pm »
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Hilarious, keep it going. Smiley
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politicus
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« Reply #11 on: April 22, 2012, 12:44:29 pm »
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Time for a new one Kal!
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Snowstalker
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« Reply #12 on: May 26, 2012, 03:36:07 pm »
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Can't wait for 1945!
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Pope Kalwejt I of Northeast
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« Reply #13 on: May 26, 2012, 04:17:43 pm »
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Oh damn, I fotgot about that one.
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politicus
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« Reply #14 on: June 08, 2012, 02:03:53 pm »
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Oh damn, I fotgot about that one.
And you keep forgetting. You just start way too much stuff without finishing it.
« Last Edit: June 08, 2012, 08:04:46 pm by True Federalist »Logged

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