spite, drama, how to contend with-- Another Rehash of the Already Known

[© Tweed the Younger]

I spent August 22, 2011 - September 5, 2011 sober.  not a drink, not even porn.  stone cold Real.  I noticed a few things.  one of them I will go into here.

I had spent my existence as far as could be remembered in a compulsive chase of highs.  sex high, drink high, smoke high; interpersonal high, therapy high, ego high.  would be wonderful if that's all there was.  but 'high' exists only as a contrast: when there is a high, there must also be a respective low.  on occasion there is a purely scientific explanation: you stop drinking, your BAC starts dropping, you go into the first phase of withdrawal, your body craves another drink, you feel restless, irritable, dopamine is on a low, and so you go.  all makes sense, has its own answers.

BUT!  and if you've any familiarity with me you know I'm all about the inflection point.  but, I have identified the same pattern revved up as strong in my relationship-life as with anything substance-related.  compulsive chasing of highs!  often infused with the help of substance, particularly drink, but not always.  you mean this much to me, this is my plight, here is where I am with you, here is where I would be without you.  beautiful, romance, take it, go!

problem though.  a paradox lies at its core.  it is, at central, a celebration of the unattainable: the connection would not be so special if it did not imply the existence of impenetrable boundaries that had somehow to be overcome.  and thus the relationship becomes all about the boundaries.  once they are removed, God forbid, you're left with the banal.  you wake up the next day and you have to go eat breakfast.  do laundry.  do homework, smoke a cigarette.  and you glance at this person, and you realize: this is not the person I talked to last night!  and if I started in with my hysterics, there would come nothing of it, and I couldn't start in anyway, I don't have it in me; thus, I am not the same person, either.

you can't be the same high person!  and if you build relationships on highs, they can only thrive on escalation,  and when you escalate the highs, you trough out the f*****g lows.  in a vacuum, maybe this would be fine, but confined by civilization: Jails, Institutions, Death.  You're Eligible, Too.

[Swing low, sweet chariot. Comin' for to carry me home.]

summary: you're realizing you need to be found by Jesus Christ

[Simfan34]

Hasn't he already? Or are we admitting that was a hoax?

[Torie]

and if you build relationships on highs, they can only thrive on escalation,

I find this bit interesting. The "friends" you make when you are high, are not your friends when you are not, because your priorities and mood are so different?  Or is it because your "friends" like you, want to be high all the time, and it's a downer to be around you when you are not high?

My portfolio of drugs for some reason don't change my behavior much, but then I never get drunk or close to it these days. I diversify.   Everybody is different on this one. You have a very personal relationship with your drugs.

[© Tweed the Younger]

You have a very personal relationship with your drugs.

is this a generalized 'you' or are you speaking specifically to Young Tweed?

[opebo]

summary: you're realizing you need to be found by Jesus Christ

I think you've probably hit the nail on the head.  In another thread, the poor guy says he doesn't even enjoy eating, and he's often bragging about his little victories.  Sounds insecure.

[There Are Some Remedies Worse Than The Disease]

summary: you're realizing you need to be found by Jesus Christ

Another case where me and jmfcst are in full agreement.

Part of the reason for my whole big Jesus kick a few months back was I was getting so bored and disgusted with the monotony of my work and life and needed some type of higher purpose.

[Torie]

You have a very personal relationship with your drugs.

is this a generalized 'you' or are you speaking specifically to Young Tweed?

Generalized.

[opebo]

summary: you're realizing you need to be found by Jesus Christ

Another case where me and jmfcst are in full agreement.

Part of the reason for my whole big Jesus kick a few months back was I was getting so bored and disgusted with the monotony of my work and life and needed some type of higher purpose.

Oh good lord.  Your owners made you a christian by condemning you to toils.  Surely you could resist this sort of humiliating defeat a little more vigorously, BRTD.

[Progressive Realist]

summary: you're realizing you need to be found by Jesus Christ

I thought he needed to find Jesus himself. Jesus won't come to him without him willing seeking His word and will.

[There Are Some Remedies Worse Than The Disease]

summary: you're realizing you need to be found by Jesus Christ

I thought he needed to find Jesus himself. Jesus won't come to him without him willing seeking His word and will.

So not a Calvinist. Good, Calvinism sucks. :p

But yes, Tweed is realizing he needs to find Jesus. Maybe that's why he's converting to Mormonism, then he can drop the unnecessary un-Christ stuff they add on.