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Author Topic: The 2012 French presidential election: the picture book  (Read 1869 times)
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« on: August 14, 2012, 06:12:43 pm »
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*note to the random Vosem piece of filth out there: the idea that being interested or amused by talented young female athletes makes them purely sexual objects or makes one a pedo or sex offender is disgusting*

In the year of Our Lord 2012, France had presidential elections. The qualification round was held on April 22, and the team finals were held on May 6.

First a bit of history. In 2007, Nicolas Sarkozy won the election. He defeated Segolene Royal, and was really happy.


Sarkozy celebrating his victory on May 6, 2007

Sego, on the other hand, was not. But, at the same time, it was quite alright for her. She was full of herself anyway and this defeat didn't stop her. Her next objective was to take the leadership of her team.


Segogo Royal, official campaign picture (2007)

But back to square one. Sarkozy was a fairly controversial character. He had a very strong penchant for the 'bling bling'. He liked kitsch stuff. He liked to go on big boats, wear expensive sunglasses, wear Rolex watches, hang out with rich people and make fun of poor people. He liked to show off. He also liked to insult people who disagreed with him.


Nicolas Sarkozy celebrating his coolness and awesomeness

Simultaneously, Sarko was everywhere at the same time. He went to every event in France, and also wanted to Save the World. He saw himself as the saviour of the world, because he was so short he wanted to make sure that other world leaders respected him and bowed down to his superiority.

Sarko attended a number of foreign summits.


President Dmitry Medvedev (centre), President George W. Bush (second from right) President Nicolas Sarkozy (third from left), Prime Minister Stephen Harper (first from right)

In 2008, Georgia (no, idiots, not the state in the US) and Russia went to war over Some Random Place Nobody Gives a sh**t About. Sarko was up in arms and saw this time as his moment to save the world. He flew to Moscow to meet with President Medvedev of Russia. They held a vry srs press conference together, and eventually Russia and Georgia backed down and stopped fooling around. Sarko thought he had saved the world from nuclear winter.


President Dmitry Medvedev meeting with President Nicolas Sarkozy

Meanwhile, the Socialist team - the opposition to the Sarkoboys! - were having their typical bitchfest over Prom Queen.1 Segolene Royal wanted to take the control of the team. She faced her deadly rival, Martine Aubry.

vs.
S. Royal and M. Aubry

In the end, Aubry won by a very short margin, and which point Royal turned insane (this assumes she wasn't already insane) and accused Aubry of rigging the Prom Queen election.

1 For more information about the French Socialist Party's internal structure, please see the movie Mean Girls starring R. McAdams as S. Royal
« Last Edit: August 19, 2012, 06:38:18 pm by Comrade Hashemite »Logged

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« Reply #1 on: August 14, 2012, 06:18:20 pm »
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Fascinating.
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« Reply #2 on: August 14, 2012, 07:12:29 pm »
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Fast track to 2012. Sarko really wasn't popular. In 2007, he had won by appealing to the far-right (the people who don't like brown people and who think the Jews run the world).


Sarkozy received a large number of votes from the far-right

This was a big deal, because in 2002, the candidate of the We Don't Like Brown People team (FN), placed second ahead of the Socialist team in qualifications. The Socialists were in shock and disarray following this defeat.


In 2002, the Socialists had been outpolled by the far-right, in what was a major shock to the team and left it in disarray for over a year

But in 2012, there was chance that it would be Sarko who would suffer this fate. However, before anything else, the Socialist team held trials to determine who would be the Socialist guy to take on Sarko.

At first, the candidate was supposed to be the wealthy Jewish banker Dom the Pimp, but Dom the Pimp could not control his dick and got arrested for being a sick perv. At this point, people thought it would be either Sego or Aubry, the two Prom Queen rivals from 2008. Aubry was the real boss, Sego acted as if she was the boss anyway because she thought she was awesomer than Aubry.


The Socialist team qualifications opposed a large number of candidates

In came a darkhorse who everybody had made fun of in the past for being a fat weirdo. His name was Francois Hollande. He wanted to be President, even if at first everybody else thought he was an idiot.


F. Hollande, the darkhorse candidate for the Socialist qualification for President

Out of the blue, Hollande won. In retrospect, people will wonder how the f he pulled that off.


F. Hollande, the candidate for President

« Last Edit: August 17, 2012, 10:03:19 am by Comrade Hashemite »Logged

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« Reply #3 on: August 14, 2012, 08:14:21 pm »
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The funniest thing about this is that I'm actually learning from it.  [insert joke about public schools in America here]
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« Reply #4 on: August 15, 2012, 04:49:01 pm »
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Enter Marine Le Pen, the daughter of the crazy old man who had led the French far-right for 40 years.


M. Le Pen, leader of the We Hate Browns Front (FN)

Marine Le Pen's main strength is being a scam artist. She makes people believe that she's something different than what she really is, and because people are gullible idiots, it has worked out for her. Marine was born with a silver spoon in her mouth, but she made poor people believe she was "one of them" by moving to Henin-Beaumont, a poor mining town where it's always dark. She also insisted that she was somebody different than her daddy, who was a racist old geezer who hated black people, Jews and Muslims and was a secret fan of a certain 'A. Hitler'. In reality, Marine - actually, her real name is Marion - wasn't that different. She hates brown people too, but she doesn't actually say it out loud. But Marine didn't give a sh**t was the leftie bobo elites thought about her.



Marion became really popular quickly. Sarko started sh**tting himself when he thought that she could defeat him by the qualifications, and force him out of the team finals. Therefore, Sarko decided that he would start talking like she did, blame the browns and blacks for criminality/unemployment and every other bad thing out there, vow to throw out teh illegalsz immgrantsz and talked a lot about how cool it was to be a white French person. The leftie bobo elites got all mad about this, and started talking about Marine and Sarko were secretly friends or how one was a paler version of the other. This was a big f-ing deal.

I have obtained images of a secret meeting between Marion Panzergirl (her real name) and Sarkozy.


N. Sarkozy (right) - "And then I told them, 'I'm not racist'"

I also have an exclusive revelation to make. During this meeting, Marion Panzergirl admitted her real identity. "She" was in fact Jean-Marie Le Pen, who got a face lift and a sex change. Here is the proof:



But this is a secret. Marine Le Pen had a secret strategy, very well thought out, to win power. Even if her chances of getting into team finals faded away, she made sure that she did everything in her power to piss off everybody else who didn't like her.


« Last Edit: August 17, 2012, 10:04:19 am by Comrade Hashemite »Logged

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« Reply #5 on: August 15, 2012, 05:06:08 pm »
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OK, finally we got to the last important person. Jean-Luc Mélenchon, a former Socialist cabinet minister, who still managed to convince everybody that he was a really revolutionary dude who wanted to SKREW TEH SYSTEM. Hence, he became a folk hero for fat American idiots who think Mitt'rrand was a neo-Nazi war criminal and who think that it is INADMISSIBLE that left-wing governments don't make gay marriage mandatory.

Melenchon is a really angry and bitter person.


Jean-Luc Melenchon, smiling. Behind him is the secret daughter of Nicolae Ceauşescu, who was Melenchon's childhood hero (alongside Stalin)

Because Melenchon is boring, besides his long tirades against the capitalists/the banks/the IMF/EU/bankers/rich people/neoliberals/Mitt Romneys, I thought I would use this portrait of him to present the results of a clinical study I did on him to see if there was *anything* which he actually liked and didn't bitch about.

Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan?
 


Obviously not.

Murica?



Nope.

OK, fine... uh... Taylor Swift? Who doesn't like a cute 20 something American singer who sings kitsch music?



Apparently not. To be fair, though, I don't like Taylor Swift either.

Italy?



No!

Ok, last one. If he doesn't like the Lion King and stuff, then he must hate everything out there. Who didn't like that cute little cub lion thing when they were kids? Wasn't that so sweet? I mean, c'mon. Don't be a tough macho man, Memelenchon. Your inner kid wants out...



Ok, fine, he hates life

And he hates freedom too:

« Last Edit: August 17, 2012, 10:05:06 am by Comrade Hashemite »Logged

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« Reply #6 on: August 15, 2012, 07:41:14 pm »
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I like this picture book!
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« Reply #7 on: August 16, 2012, 12:38:44 am »
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Don't get me wrong, this is hilarious, but why do you have all these pics of little girls?
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« Reply #8 on: August 16, 2012, 05:30:08 am »
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Don't get me wrong, this is hilarious, but why do you have all these pics of little girls?

These aren't little girls. This is women's gymnastics, which is awesome, and appreciating women's gymnastics is a far more normal thing than actually *liking* any politician, especially Mutt Rhymney or Rawn Paul, at a personal level. Those who don't appreciate women's gymnastics should not read this Picture Book, they should read Ayn Rand or one of Mutt Rhymney's books.

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« Reply #9 on: August 16, 2012, 03:22:35 pm »
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Don't get me wrong, this is hilarious, but why do you have all these pics of little girls?

These aren't little girls. This is women's gymnastics, which is awesome, and appreciating women's gymnastics is a far more normal thing than actually *liking* any politician, especially Mutt Rhymney or Rawn Paul, at a personal level. Those who don't appreciate women's gymnastics should not read this Picture Book, they should read Ayn Rand or one of Mutt Rhymney's books.



They don't look like women.....

Anyway continue please this is hilarious Wink
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« Reply #10 on: August 16, 2012, 08:19:04 pm »
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The campaign was boring, instead of talking about the economy the debate involved really important things like halal meat for Muslims, something about drivers' licenses and other random stuff which made no sense. Melenchon made a bunch of speeches, and fat nerds in their parent's basement in Pennsylvania or the UK got massive boners out of it, and they were already fantasizing about how Melenchon would be teh gratest president eva.

Qualification day rolled around. People were furiously awaiting the numbers. Who would qualify for team finals?


Sarkozy's campaign team, on April 22

Anyway, the results were

Flanby "François" Hollande (Soap Opera Socialist Team) 28.63%
Miklós "Nicolas" Horthy-Sárközy de Nagy-Bocsa (Neuilly Social Club Team/We Hate Browns Too Team) 27.18%
Panzergirl "Marion" Le Pen (We Hate Browns Team) 17.90%   
Nicolae Fidel Ernesto "Jean-Luc" Mélenchon- (Real Leftists/Ceauşescu-Castro Memorial Team) 11.10%
Evan "François" Bayhrou (Boring Moderate Heroes Team) 9.13%
Gro Eva Farseth "Joly" (Norwegian Grandmothers who like Tress Team) 2.31%
Nicky Dupont-Aignan (JFK Wannabe Team) 1.79%
Philippe "Poutou" (Real Leftists/Che Guevara Memorial Team) 1.15%
Babushka "Nathalie" Arthaud (Real Leftists/Trotsky Memorial Team) 0.56%
E.T. "Jacques" Cheminade (Mentally Retarded Team) 0.25%


F. Hollande waves to supporters after placing first in the individual all-around

Hollande was pleased by his first place in qualifications, but Sarko was not. He cried a lot to his top-model wife, but he soon got back on the campaign trail for the team finals against Flanby.


Exclusive picture of N. Sarkozy after learning about his silver medal showing in the individual all-around

The team finals were rendered difficult for him because his only path to a gold medal was to get the backing of all those who had voted for Marion Panzergirl. Panzergirl didn't win, but she did really well - even better than the Old Daddy in 2002 - and she was really happy. After all, it's not like Panzergirl wants to ever win gold. She prefers to just piss off people.


M. Le Pen met with her secret supporter, Vladimir Putin, shortly after the results

Anyhow, Sarko just decided to directly appeal to everybody who hated supported her, assuming the lot of them had only voted for her because they hated browns. So his runoff campaign focused on major issues such as how giving foreigners - Moslems! Browns! - the right to vote in local elections would destroy France, how Flanby would bankrupt the country and let an avalanche of brown people come and rape your kids in their sleep.

Melenchon, who placed fourth, was displeased. OK, he did well - 11% - which is a huge deal for the far-left in France (but also made Melenchon suspect, because REAL LEFTISTS cannot win over 10% of the vote without becoming bourgeois tools/sellouts to the NWO).


Melenchon tries to act pleased at his rally after the results

Melenchon went ahead and endorsed Hollande, to form One Big Happy Family (kind of).


From left to right: M. Aubry, S. Royal, F. Hollande, J-L. Mélenchon, J-M. Baylet (the guy nobody cares about)

So, what did the exit polls reveal about who voted for which candidate? I don't have much time to explain this, but my research revealed that Sarko's typical voter was basically a really rich dude who had a bunch of houses, lots of cars, didn't pay any taxes and went on vacation with North African dictators such as Ben Ali or Mubarak during Christmas.


The typical Sarkozy voter

« Last Edit: August 17, 2012, 10:07:39 am by Comrade Hashemite »Logged

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« Reply #11 on: August 16, 2012, 08:58:29 pm »
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Oh jeez, the socialist inside you is coming out!  Now I know where American politicians get it from.
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« Reply #12 on: August 16, 2012, 09:02:48 pm »
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Oh jeez, the socialist inside you is coming out!  Now I know where American politicians get it from.

How is this stuff in any way ideological? The only ideology here is Mustafinism-Komovism. Stop trolling, dude.
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« Reply #13 on: August 16, 2012, 09:06:36 pm »
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Oh jeez, the socialist inside you is coming out!  Now I know where American politicians get it from.

How is this stuff in any way ideological? The only ideology here is Mustafinism-Komovism. Stop trolling, dude.

Just the last line of the previous update.  Once again, I'm laughing my ass off, so keep it coming.  It's just it sounded like your inner socialist was coming out when you were describing the average Sarkozay voter.
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« Reply #14 on: August 19, 2012, 07:26:26 am »
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The campaign for team finals between Flanby and Nikos became extremely heated. There was a single vry srs debate between the two qualified candidates, which quickly turned into a shouting match. Flanby repeated the phrase "me, as President" over 6,000 times; Nikos repeated words like "foreigners", "immigrantz", "crime", "identity" about 6,000 times.

Nikos had a very hard time seriously accepting the idea that a former overweight man with the charisma and appearance of a wet pizza, whose political experience had consisted solely of being the boring and incompetent party hack could *defeat* him. On top of that, Flanby was the ex-boyfriend of a psychotic druggie. Sarko's wife was some super hot top model.


N. Sarkozy at a press conference, upon being asked of what he thought a President Hollande would be like

Flanby didn't say much at all during the campaign, besides repeating the traditional standard-fare leftist pablum. If one could read behind the lines and go beyond the bullsh**t like "75% taxes"/"solidarity" and so forth, he was basically saying that he wouldn't do sh**t.


F. Hollande's platform, as explained by the candidate himself

Anyhow, the team finals rolled around on May 6. It was a close final but in the end, Flanby won, as predicted.

Flanby "François" Hollande (Soap Opera Socialist Team) 51.64%
Miklós "Nicolas" Horthy-Sárközy de Nagy-Bocsa (Neuilly Social Club Team/We Hate Browns Too Team) 48.36%

Sarkozy was defeated in his attempt to win two gold medals in a row, in a five year interval. In this unenviable feat, he joined a club which had, until then, included only an old fake aristocrat, Giscard. Sarko was pissed off, so after crying a bit, he threw a fit and told voters to go f- themselves.


N. Sarkozy reacts to his defeat

Let's take a look at the post-election parties:


Sarko HQs: from left to right, T. Mariani (if he looks like Marine Le Pen, it is because Mariani is, for all intents and purposes, Marine Le Pen), N. Sarkozy (complaining about how unfair the final was), J-F. Copé (pretending to care deeply about Sarkozy's tragic silver medal), F. Fillon (ignored by Sarkozy, as he had been since 2007) and C. Jacob (Copé's right-hand man, reminding his boss that Copé can now take over the team himself)

A picture of Hollande's party tonight.
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« Reply #15 on: August 19, 2012, 01:11:15 pm »
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Great stuff!
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« Reply #16 on: August 20, 2012, 06:37:13 pm »
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OK, so here's Hollande's victory party. There was, obviously, much excitement...


From left to right: M Aubry (thinking that faking joy will get her the PM job), S. Royal (thinking that faking excitement will win her anything), F. Hollande (actually happy), J-L. Melenchon, J-M. Baylet (super excited just because he was actually invited to the party).
The guy in some PS hack who got promised a cabinet position if he acted excited


By the next day, everybody in France went back to not giving a sh**t about Hollande anymore. At the Elysee Palace, Sarko and his wife Carlita were busy backing their bags. The movers were coming.


N. Sarkozy backing his bags

In the meantime, in the PS, everybody was calling Hollande to tell him how fond they were of him, how excited they were, how they had supported him fully 100% even when nobody else did and how he was the coolest guy to ever live. Of course, nobody who said those things actually meant any of them: everybody was pissed that some formerly obese man who had no political achievements had become President, nobody had ever supported him when he was leader of the party, and of course nobody thought he was the coolest guy ever; certainly not his jealous ex and probably not even his own hippie sons. The reason why everybody was being so nice was obvious, there was a job opening on Publiservice.

Quote
POSITION: Prime Minister of France
COMPANY NAME: Government of France
EXPERIENCE: Loyal political hack for 5+ years
SALARY AND BENEFITS: lots of money, nice house, chauffeur, big car(s)
EDUCATION LEVEL: Bullsh**t College graduate; e-diplomas accepted
LOCATION: Paris; a bit all over the place

JOB DESCRIPTION AND REQUIREMENTS
-Listen to the boss, all the time; don't say anything he doesn't approve of
-Supervision of 20+ employees
-Make sure that no cabinet minister says something stupid/does a boneheaded thing/contradicts what you said/fights another minister
-Make sure that the cabinet ministers who did not graduate high school (eg: most of the lower-level ones) never say anything which isn't scripted
-Monitor what cabinet ministers say to make sure it is grammatically correct (harder than it seems, most are illiterate tools)
-Answer totally useless and irrelevant questions from parliamentarians (those who are not sleeping/AWOL)
-Visit random places nobody has ever heard of to talk to crazy people and pretend to care about the random stuff they talk about
-Visit farms in the middle of nowhere and compliment the farmer on how great his cows are
-Go to disaster sites (after the disaster) and pretend that their plight is a top priority for the government
-Visit the not so cool foreign countries and talk with their useless leaders*
-Visit the not so cool foreign countries and sell them our planes and stuff at high prices
-Visit dictatorships in Africa and act sincere when saying that France cares about human rights
-Do other sh**tty jobs as requested by the boss

*You won't get to meet Barack Obama, so don't even ask. Mariano Rajoy is about as high caliber as you'll get to meet.

HEALTH AND SAFETY RISKS
-sh**tty job, guaranteed to become very unpopular within 6 months
-can get very boring

Hollande got lots of applications for this job. Martine Aubry submitted 600 applications, most of them under fake names. Segolene Royal submitted one just for the sh**ts and giggles. A lot of nobodies also applied.

Meanwhile, Sarko left the Elysee and handed the keys to Hollande.


N. Sarkozy waving goodbye, smiling because he knows people will start missing him within 12 months

Sarko went back home to Neuilly, where he received a hero's welcome in a town which had begun putting up the barricades to fight the Counter-Revolution to the Marxist Takeover.


N. Sarkozy (in white), being welcomed by the Mayor of Neuilly (in black)

Hollande found his Prime Minister, Jean-Marc Ayrault, who nobody knew about.


F. Hollande and his Prime Minister, J-M. Ayrault

VIVE LA FRANCE, ALLEZ LES BLEUS! MORT AUX BOCHES.

The End.
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« Reply #17 on: August 20, 2012, 08:40:37 pm »
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Keep it coming!  (Will you do 02 and Hollande's administration?)
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« Reply #18 on: August 22, 2012, 01:10:03 am »
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This is certainly the best thread in the history of this board.
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The idea of parodying the preceding Atlasian's postings is laughable, of course, but not for reasons one might expect.
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