The Atlasian Laborinth

[Adam Griffin]

THE ATLASIAN LABORINTH

We Decide, We Report

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   In a world of the Moderate Hero Media, good, conservative-fearing Atlasians have few sources of news spun the way in which it should be to fit their worldview. Our mission at The Atlasian Laborinth is to ensure that all citizens are as informed as they should be, rather than throwing random viewpoints out to the masses and expecting them to “decide for themselves”. We sift through those nasty tidbits and make sure only the best pre-determined issues are presented to you, which should provide the average reader with more time to cash their unemployment checks, purchase illicit substances and shy away from any sort of conflict whatsoever – except for harassing the elderly at polling locations.

   Under the banner of the Labor Party, The Atlasian Laborinth is automatically now the largest and most important newspaper in Atlasia. This accreditation alone is enough to toss out all of your existing publications and strategically register for updates from us. Will we always be right? You can redistribute on it. Will we refuse to back down in the face of supposed "facts"? You bet your gulag!

WE CATER TO COMMUNAL CONTRIBUTORS

   Would you like to write for The Atlasian Laborinth and be a part of the re-education effort? This universal project accepts all left-wing opinions – Labor and non-Labor alike – as well as interviews and editorials. All contributions must be at least 300 words – not too little but not too much to bore the average reader – and contain at least one aesthetically pleasing image, chart or graph.

MORE TO COME...

[Adam Griffin]

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THE SILENT INJUSTICE: A LOOPHOLE INTO DISCRIMINATION

Over the past month, a passionate debate in the Senate over the proposed lowering of the minimum wage from $12.00 to $10.50 has raised many eyebrows. Interestingly enough, the bill in debate was sponsored by Labor's own at-large Senator and Vice-Chair, Marokai Blue. When asked about his intentions, the Senator responded that "a 10.50 wage is still a very solid minimum, and this bill wouldn't lower the wage, merely allow regions to lower it back to the first increase of the Living Wage bill if they felt it would be good for their economies to do so. I just can't imagine a small business in the rural south is going to be able to afford many employees at a 12.00 minimum; you could argue that's a good thing".

The main controversy behind this proposal is not its intent, but the underground exploitation of hard-working capital-creators. After a rather psychic exchange between Senator North Carolina Yankee and President Napoleon, the issue of tips and commission being counted toward the minimum wage was on full display. The Atlasian Laborinth can report that only one region - The Northeast - has statutes in place that require employers to not count tips and commission toward an employee's minimum wage. Legislation has been proposed in the IDS but has not been brought to the floor as of yet.

In restaurants, bars and other dimly-lit venues across the country, Susie the Stripper and Willard the Waiter are being overtly taken advantage of by greedy fatcats. Let's consider the following example:

Igor and Vladimir both work for the same multi-national corporation, but in different regions. Igor works in the Northeast, while Vladimir works in the Pacific. Both are guaranteed a minimum wage of $12.00 per hour under current federal statutes. Both - in a given hour - each earn $24 in tips. Both turn over 50% of their tips to their employers, leaving each with $12. Igor's boss still has to provide him with a minimum wage of $12 for that hour of work + $12 in tips, leaving Igor with $24 + any regional requirement. Vladimir, on the other hand, only earns $12 per hour because his employer does not have to pay him due to his tips counting toward his minimum wage.

The Atlasian Laborinth urges all non-job creators to demand this issue be addressed in their legislatures without delay.

[Adam Griffin]

THE ATLASIAN LABORINTH

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SENATE CUSTERFLUCK AS LIBS DROP FLIKE LIES

 An unexpected turn in events occurred yesterday with the resignation of Senator NVTownsend. The flustered former Senator was quoted as saying, "Hackery has won the day. 2012 forum, be proud". While no one at The Atlasian Laborinth is exactly sure what the Senator meant by a 2012 forum, we wish him a full recovery.

In the same 24 hour period, the imminent expulsion of Senator Bacon King from the Senate was handed down, resulting in a net loss of 2 seats for the Liberals in one day alone. Nearly immediately, a special election was called by DoFE homelycooking to remedy the problem. One at-large election for both seats will be held next week, November 2nd through November 4th.

The result is that a total of six candidates thus far have entered the race, making it quite a crowded field. The race, however, appears to be somewhat ideologically balanced: as ordained by The Atlasian Laborinth and intelligentsia everywhere, there are two leftists, two moderate heroes and two fascists. It shall be the duty of this publication to unearth the libel strident facts and negative actions of many of these candidates over the coming days, so that you may arrive at the pre-determined conclusion that anyone with said information would.

In terms of strategy, what does this mean for the vying political parties and their futures? Each one appears to have different strategies. It would appear that The People's Party is counting on broad support for its two candidates, while the Liberals will - like every party - attempt to elect one of its own, and most likely ride the coattails of another candidate. The Whigs appear to have put forward a candidate with an ideological health similar to that of the party, while Labor has recycled its presidential candidate into the race. There is also an independent progressive running, who will be virtually assured support from across the political spectrum.

Throughout this campaign - a midst the undercurrents - the feeling of realignment is in the air. Six children men enter: only two avoid the gangbang. Who will win?

[Adam Griffin]

Grafting Pingvin's avatar onto Bachmann's body (kinky?) was a stroke of genius.

Cain was an observant touch, too.

We try.

[Adam Griffin]

THE ATLASIAN LABORINTH

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LADIES FIRST; COUP D'ETAT IN PACIFIC

In a stunning blow to reactionaries everywhere, former Senator Pingvin99 declared an end to his Senate bid today and threw his support behind his crypto-counterpart Simfan. He was quoted as saying, "Nevermind, I'd better be a pundit". According to sources close to the former Senator, a consensus was reached that there simply isn't a large enough electorate to elect two totalitarians in the same election cycle and that an impending exposé by The Atlasian Laborinth on Pingvin would have completely crippled his candidacy. We give kudos to the former Senator for exercising such sound judgment.  

On the other side of the country, Pacific Governor Spamage's own bid for the Senate has drawn extra attention to his record and actions while serving. The Governor instituted an elected legislature via popular vote, but inactivity has seen no formal candidates enter the race. As was leaked by Lieutenant Governor wolfentoad66, the Governor had apparently decided to change course. "It's been overturned. Though we do plan on introducing a bill, fairly soon", the Lt. Gov was quoted as saying. Just recently, a new Pacific Council amendment passed, allocating a different form or representative democracy in the region.

Under this legislation, the ability to recall both the Governor and Liutenant Governor have been stricken from the books. Did the leadership of the Pacific simply decide that the law would not be followed until a "suitable replacement" could be instituted? Furthermore, seeing as how the original proposal was the Governor's, can we trust the Governor with the drafting of legislation? Is Governor Spamage attempting to institute a dictatorship, following in the footsteps of Former Governor Jackson? Unfortunately, we may not know until it is too late.

A concerned Pacific citizen anonymous told The Atlasian Laborinth that "I do not want Spamage to become Senator, because then wolfentoad would become Governor".

All Atlasians now have the right, responsibility and jurisdiction to consider whether the track record of the Governor is something that should be extended to the halls of the Senate.

[Adam Griffin]

According to The Atlasian Laborinth's records, the vote on October 23rd's Pacific Council amendment was stated to do the following:

You must be logged in to read this quote.

This would imply that all provisions in the September 3rd Pacific Legislature Amendment were stricken down and replaced with the October 23rd amendment. The Atlasian Laborinth stands by its original reporting.

[Adam Griffin]

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CROWDED FIELD ALL TIED UP; EVIDENCE OF SIMTRAL PLANNING

Former Everything Ernest entered the race yesterday, bringing the field of candidates once again up to six. With just four days to go until the voting booth opens, the consensus of The Atlasian Laborinth is that there is quite an array of preferences as to who should win.

In a damning indictment of future fascist plans, The Atlasian Laborinth has unearthed previous testimony of Northeast Assemblyman Simfan expressing his desire for simtral planning. "Shall we go to another city in this region, undoubtedly based upon outdated and autosarcogaphic suburban and "urban renewal" models of planning. Shall we jam that unfortunate locale's highways or cul de sacs? Or shall we invest in a city designed for the project of governance, meant for official business?", he was quoted as saying when discussing the relocation of the Northeast capital.

While The Atlasian Laborinth is a huge fan of hyper-controlled macro-environments, one has to consider what form of central planning would be on the table in the event of a Simfan victory. An anonymous source confided that "I don't think right-wing social engineering is any more desirable than left-wing social engineering". While left-wing social engineering is certainly more desirable, we can still sympathize with the sentiment of right-wing social engineering being totally terrible.

[Adam Griffin]

THE ATLASIAN LABORINTH

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SNOWSTALKER WINS SENATE SEAT; WHERE ARE THE LIBS?

In an unexpectedly decisive election, former Governor Snowstalker secured a seat in the Senate in this weekend's very special election. After being in a statistical dead heat throughout most of Friday and Saturday, the Senator-elect pulled ahead of both TPP candidates by an intensely impressive amount during the final day of voting. No doubt Hurricane Sandy bold contrasts helped secure the seat for Labor.

While The Atlasian Laborinth anticipated a glorious victory for Mr. Stalker, it did not parallel the presidential election. While the Atlasian electorate at-large appeared to be "not ready" for a True Leftist in October's election, the Senator-elect's message seemed to resonate with voters who are seeking more progressive representation in Nyman.

This net victory brings the Labor Delegation in the Senate to a total of 3. While it is certain that The People's Party will net another seat as well, the preliminary results are incredibly close and  could change. As of rrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiggggggggggghhhhhhhhhttttttttttt NOW, Spamage is the current victor for the second seat. We may or may not congratulate Spamage or Simfan, depending on the final count.

In related news, The Atlasian Laborinth is currently unable to report just exactly where the hell the Liberal Party has gone. Despite multiple Liberal newbies running for offices months from now, the formal structure appears to have disappeared. Sources embedded so deep, so deep within the Liberal Party suggest that dissolution is nigh. While we generally like to think that both the Whig and Liberal decline is due to the disintegration from shivering at the sheer might of the Labor Party, the more likely culprit is a Party Virus spreading throughout Atlasia that attacks compromised or weakened ideological systems.

[Adam Griffin]

THE ATLASIAN LABORINTH

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SH!TAGEDDON

The seams of Atlasia seem to be ripping themselves away from the framework, as chaos reigns throughout the federal and regional levels. The Atlasian Laborinth can report that President Napoleon will be embarking upon a two-week vacation, promptly after vetoing the past three bills to leave the Senate. We have received numerous reports that a growing coalition of Senators is considering Articles of Impeachment. The consensus appears to be growing among the public as well, with one poll showing Napoleon's approval rating hovering just above 30%.

Fortunately, The Atlasian Laborinth can report that Vice-President and fellow Laborite Nathan is thoroughly loved by 82% of the people. In the event of succession, Vice-President Nathan would become the first Labor President in the history of Atlasia.

Reports from the Mideast show that a growing Anti-Whig/Federalist caucus has emerged and flexed its electoral muscle. The Labor Party now has a plurality in the Mideast Assembly, sharing power with 1 Liberal and 1 TPPer. In some cases, this may provide the legislative branch with a veto-proof majority against Governor Tmth.

In a last-ditch effort to remain relevant, it appears that the merger of the Whig Party and the Imperial Bloc is nigh. The Atlasian Laborinth can report that the members of the Whig Party have all but approved the notion; the Imperial Bloc appears to be on the same path.

Finally, in an unforeseen series of events, there appears to be a challenge to the certified election results in the IDS. The count officiated by Emperor PiT showed IB member, Chair and current Co-Speaker SJoyceFla winning re-election - along with TPP Chair & IDS Legislator Duke and IDS Legislator Zanas46. The Atlasian Laborinth is pleased to report that if the challenge is successful, candidates Zanas46, Duke and Seatown will win election to the Legislature. This would give Labor an outright majority in the IDS Legislature.

It appears the sh!thawks are swooping.

[Adam Griffin]

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BLURRING THE LINES

It has come to the attention of The Atlasian Laborinth that a most unholy alliance is currently in formation. Sources of Labor embedded deeply within both the Liberal and Federalist Parties inform us that the parties have made the decision to back a presidential ticket in February consisting of Governor Tmth4foru of the Mideast (FED) and Governor Scott of the Northeast (LIB). Many of us here at The Atlasian Laborinth were left scratching our heads in bewilderment at the idea of how two very ideologically-different parties could come to such a conclusion – particularly before consulting their electorates at-large.

The only logical reason for such an action has been deemed by The Atlasian Laborinth to be a simple power-grab. One party – fresh off the merger of two more-similar factions – seems hellbent on selling out its ideology in an attempt to consolidate even more power. Another party appears to be ambiguous in its intent, continuing a long trend.

One citizen and member of the Liberal Party told The Atlasian Laborinth that they were not happy about these developments, saying “What is the point of parties if you do something like that? I feel that we won't stand for anything with a ticket like that”. Others unaffiliated with either party expressed similar concerns. We expect that – if these reports hold true – there will be a number of defections in the coming days as people with ideological convictions seek refugee status with other political movements.

=====================================================================

Another developing story revolves around the disintegration of democracy that has recently occurred in the Midwest. An election for Regional Kommissær and Wisard Ekstraordinar was supposed to be held December 13 but there has not been a voting booth opened as of yet. Labor's own MaxQue has announced his intent to seek the office of Regional Kommissær and The Atlasian Laborinth wishes him well in his campaign. It is the opinion of this publication that an election be scheduled immediately.

[Adam Griffin]

Bumping on request of Griffin.

It's quiet. Too quiet.

[Adam Griffin]

An anonymous source has told me that Alfred plans to run against me in February for Governor.

Since we're all talking about future elections.

Likewise, an anonymous source told me that such an event would make for a very fun election.

[Adam Griffin]

THE ATLASIAN LABORINTH

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UNBLURRING THE LINES

Sources close to The Atlasian Laborinth are now reporting that Mideast Governor Tmth4foru will shortly be announcing that he plans to NOT seek the nomination for President in February with Northeast Governor Scott. It comes as no surprise, as a growing coalition of voters voiced concerns over such a merger from the start.

While it was blatantly clear earlier in the day that the pair were running for office - evidenced by their blatant refusal to confirm or deny the rumors - such shifts within the party structures must have led to a reversal of the previous decision. Stay tuned for any and all updates that may arise in the future about this subject, as who knows how many more times they'll change their minds.

[Adam Griffin]

You need to have a word with your "source" - they have had their facts mixed up all day!

There is no doubt that with multiple sources commenting to The Atlasian Laborinth right now, some lines may end up becoming crossed. We, however, are confident the fact will sort themselves out shortly.

[Adam Griffin]

THE ATLASIAN LABORINTH

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UNPOPULARES IN THE MIDEAST

The Atlasian Laborinth can report that a populist revolt is underway - or at least seems to be - based on recent polling coming out of the Mideast region. Survey Atlasia, perhaps the gold-standard of polling in this country, released two polls last week that clearly show both Mideast Senator Ben and Mideast Governor Tmthforu being the least popular regional Senator and least popular Governor, respectively, in the country.

The polls showed that only a paltry 38% of Mideast citizens approve of Senator Ben's job performance, while even fewer - 30% - approve of Governor Tmth's handling of the region. These poll results are not unsubstantiated; two polls released earlier in January showed that Senatorial candidate JCL was outperforming Ben in his quest for re-election, with Labor Senatorial candidate Gass3268 tied with the Senator. Another poll, conducted by Super Polling Center, showed exit results from the Mideast Gubernatorial race not looking much prettier - while the Governor had a 61% favorable rating in the poll, his challenger, drj101, had a 73% favorable rating.

With a recent wave of Federalism sweeping over the region, many have asked The Atlasian Laborinth what could be causing the anti-incumbent sentiment. Some were willing to confide in us that a rightward swing in the region has caused them to re-evaluate their sentiments of leadership, while others simply said they would prefer not to say due to political pressure.

Regardless of whatever is ailing the Mideast right now, The Atlasian Laborinth hopes it is not terminal and sends its best wishes for a speedy recovery to those affected.


BREAKING: Since the initial publication of this article, it has been announced that Mideast Governor Tmth will be Keystone Phil's Vice-Presidential candidate.

[Adam Griffin]

Um, sir, point of clarification: Senator Ben and Governor Tmthforu94 are not overweight like that picture depicts them to be.

My clients and I will be pressing charges.

BREAKING NEWS: Governor Scott, citing intimate first-hand knowledge, clarifies body appearances of Ben, Tmth

[Adam Griffin]

I would consider the depiction of my personage as overweight as borderline slanderous. However this is a place where freedom of speech is valued and is as sacrosanct as the right to keep and bear arms. Though any future caricatures of JCL should be more reflected with one of the Pauls bodies with the orange Indiana decal.

That was actually Tmth (Fed/Orange-IN).

[Adam Griffin]

The anti-incumbent sentiment.

If it'd make you feel better, I could also make an unflattering photo of you as a keepsake.

[Adam Griffin]

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FRUSTRATED FEDERALISTS: ONE MEMBER SPEAKS OUT

The Atlasian Laborinth has received a letter to the editor from a well-respected Federalist whom has chosen to remain anonymous. While we will disclose that this individual is a well-respected Federalist in a strongly conservative region, no other identifying information will be disclosed at the wishes of the author. We'd also like to take the time to mention that while we absolutely condemn everything Federalist-related, we encourage them to speak to this publication when they're totally upset about their horrible party's state of affairs.

You must be logged in to read this quote.

[Adam Griffin]

THE ATLASIAN LABORINTH

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TIME TO WAKE UP, B*TCHES!

   
With the announcement from Federalist Presidential candidate MattfromVT in regards to his selected running mate, Midwest Wisard Extraordinar Maxwell, The Atlasian Laborinth feels compelled to issue an immediate statement regarding its opposition in the upcoming presidential race.

As many have noticed, Atlasia has recently been suffering from a lack of interest among its citizens. Entire regions have been plunged into wolfenarchy, while key power players among the Atlasian elite have resigned themselves to just not giving a . With voting booths being opened late, conventions falling into shambles and offices being vacated left and right, it is perfectly understandable that many have resigned themselves to:

So perhaps this helps explain how the largest political party in Atlasia has ended up with such an inexperienced ticket running in the June Presidential Election. Vice-Presidential nominee Maxwell has served a total of three months as Wisard Extraordinaer: his only claim to fame. At the top of the ticket, former Senator Matt has even less experience: with less that one month served as Senator and less than one month served as SoIA, The Atlasian Laborinth feels very comfortable in reporting that this is the least experienced ticket to run for the office of Presidency in many years.

With the country in such a lull and the next election being such an important barometer of the future of our country, can we realistically vote for a ticket that - combined - has less than six months of experience? What does this say about the Federalist Party, which, out of 53 members, did not have one experienced soul step up to bat for their team?

Some reports suggest that this could quickly change. One notable Federalist has whispered to The Atlasian Laborinth that he make take his case straight to the Federalist Convention floor and make a rational appeal for selecting him as their nominee. With it being the Federalists, though, anything rational at this point might just collapse the entire party.

For those who have been watching the race with due diligence but are unsure of their first choice, we encourage them to evaluate the following infographic and come to their own conclusions.

[Adam Griffin]

The Atlasian Laborinth stands by its reporting and emphasizes that its content is not endorsed nor distributed prior to anyone within the party - including presidential nominees. Considering that the editor of The Atlasian Laborinth spent more time in the IDS Legislature than the Federalist ticket combined has spent in office, it goes without saying that these issues are valid concerns for any voter.

[Adam Griffin]

Looking at the entire article, I believe you have just made this up:

"One notable Federalist has whispered to "The Atlasian Laborinth" ..." [that he make take his case straight to the Federalist Convention floor and make a rational appeal for selecting him as their nominee.]

Hmm.

[Adam Griffin]

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8/7/13.

[Adam Griffin]

THE ATLASIAN LABORINTH

We Decide, We Report

Volume C, Issue A                                              Price: Your Fair Share

INHERITANCE LAX

   
The party of True Working People and Real Atlasians has faced a series of silly attacks over the past few weeks, with The Atlasian Laborinth watching the situation for ongoing developments. While it may be easy and fun to levy baseless attacks at those who have been given a Glorious Mandate to govern, sooner or later, those critics must put forward an alternative. While they continue to wiffle and waffle, The Atlasian Laborinth is here to report that those alternatives offer about as much substance as the attacks themselves.

One need look no further than the Northeast Region, where tireless advocates for True Working People and Real Atlasians like Senator Bore, Governor Talleyrand and Speaker SWE have fought for our country's values. Yet, these achievements find themselves under threat by the impending encroachment of the Aristocracy, who feel entitled to govern over all of us without providing any substance whatsoever. The Atlasian Laborinth delved deep into voting records to take a look at the past month of the Northeast Assembly as a mere starting point:

Two candidates for Governor and Senator, respectively - Sawxdem and MattfromVT - have risen to fight against the spirit of the Working Class People. The Atlasian Laborinth reports that combined, these two office-seekers have produced one-half of one Microsoft Word-typed page of substance over the past thirty days, most of which offered no relief for the struggling multitude of Working Class People in this region. But The Atlasian Laborinth must ask: what good is "fresh blood" when it is blue, and what good is "change" when it means apathy? What exactly will this fresh blood and change produce for us? More inactivity? Less debate? More hardship for True Atlasians? We'll let you connect the dots. One thing is clear, though: the Working Class People of this country and of all regions deserve elected officials who will do more than merely phone it in.

The Atlasian Laborinth Volume C is in full-swing, the presses are running hot, and we will continue to unearth each and every blue-blooded conspiracy there is in this great land throughout election season, because you deserve to know who you're voting for before you vote.

[Adam Griffin]

The Sawx campaign condemns the Laborinth's lies about his tenure as an Assemblyman, and demands a correction. Surely the Labor Party must be desperate for a victory, considering it has only taken them four days to lie to the public instead of offering a real debate.

That bill was not within the past 30 days

It was introduced before then, but signed into law on August 24. Has Labor forgotten to add?

The Atlasian Laborinth will issue no correction at the insistence of the blue-blood due to the facts, and stands by its reporting.