The Weekly News

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Don't worry, Winfield is getting nowhere near winning. John would never want this and we all know victory of Engleism is historical inevitability.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

These hideous personal attacks on our candidacy should not be tolerated.

And what are you going to do with this? Tell the principal?

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Election News
AIDS LEADS ALL IN SOUTH CAROLINA


(C) Associated Press


(Charleston, S.C.) New compilation of Gallup and Rasmussen polls shows AIDS leading fellow presidential candidates by a double digit margin.

He is just a preferable alternative to them all, Bill Martin, Charleston resident, told our correspondent.

I don't trust any politician, AIDS or not, Betty Wilson, Greenville housewife, commented. But I'd rather get along with AIDS than with the others.

Richard James, a software executive from Florence, admits he's for AIDS only because his preferred candidate declined to run.

I really wish I could choose Arsenic Poison instead, he complained.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Election News
CATHCON WINS ZOGBY POLL


(C) IBOPE Zogby International


Cathcon wins Zogby poll, gathering 70% of the vote to his nearest competitor, Lizard People.

We couldn't reach Mr. Cathcon for comment of this final blow to his credibility. Shortly after results were published, he stopped answering his phone and apparently deleted his Facebook profile.

According to commentators, Zogby poll may also help Marokai Blue establish a momentum, after he captured total of 0 votes, which was already hailed as a major moral victory.