ATTN Writers: Seeking constructive criticism for a piece (Attempt #2)

[The world will shine with light in our nightmare]

So, I originally posted this in the Book Reviews and Discussion thread, but got little advice because few people seem to read it, so I'm posting this in the Forum Community board where I hope I'll get more feedback.


So, four months ago, I started drafting a novel.  This was my second attempt at writing it since over a year ago, when I abandoned an older project because, simply, I did not like what was being produced.  Since I started the new novel, I've tried to work on it a little each day to brush up on my skills and get critique.  In fact, I have decided not to put the book up for sale when it is finished as a way to encourage people to read it and send me their thoughts and criticisms, which I feel will benefit me more over the long term.

Now, my high school's literature magazine is looking for poems, short stories, and other written works to publish.  I thought this would be a good opportunity for me to publish what I believe to be my best work and promote the novel so that I have an audience to show when it's released.  Unfortunately, my friends on Facebook have given me little feedback here.

Though it is short, this chapter was written, re-written, and edited over several hours.  However, I am still not completely satisfied with it.  So, I thought I would post the excerpt here for public scrutiny so that I can make the necessary changes before I submit it to the magazine, hopefully by the end of this week.

Thanks.

http://www.scribd.com/doc/133729575/The-Sunset-An-Excerpt

[Torie]

I like it very much. Good descriptions. I would change followed the boys, to followed the men (that old guy is no boy), and deck to dock (a deck suggests something next to a house). Also the deck/doc simply drops into the text. You might have a sentence introducing it.

I assume that you are building into something with some drama. You might try to introduce something that serves as a lagniappe for that. Something that induces the reader to move on to the next chapter.

Also not much description of the boy and the girl, presumably the main characters. Was that intentional?

[The world will shine with light in our nightmare]

I like it very much. Good descriptions. I would change followed the boys, to followed the men (that old guy is no boy), and deck to dock (a deck suggests something next to a house). Also the deck/doc simply drops into the text. You might have a sentence introducing it.

I assume that you are building into something with some drama. You might try to introduce something that serves as a lagniappe for that. Something that induces the reader to move on to the next chapter.

Also not much description of the boy and the girl, presumably the main characters. Was that intentional?

Thanks, Torie.  I left out the description of the boy and the girl because they were described at the beginning of the novel.  This chapter takes place in the middle.