Hash's Dystopian/Utopian/Troll timeline, circa 2030

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Annual Summit of the Mustafinist-Komovist Alliance, January 2031



Delegations:
Secretary-General of the Alliance: Maria Paseka (Russia)

Chile: President Camila Vallejo, Foreign Minister Karol Cariola
Italy: Prime Minister Vanessa Ferrari, Foreign Minister Carlotta Ferlito
France: representatives for Tony V, President of the MNLF
Greece: Prime Minister Gaelos L'Herminakis
Romania: President Sandra Izbașa, Foreign Minister Larisa Iordache
Russia: President Aliya Mustafina, Prime Minister Viktoria Komova
Ukraine: President Milena Markovna Kunis

Guests:
British Columbia government-in-exile: Former Premier Carly Rae Jepsen
Poland: President Kalwejt

[Hash]

Not quite on topic, but Aliya Mustafina owned and took names (again) at the Kazan Universiade last week. Pretty clearly the best female gymnast in the world now.

[Antonio the Sixth]

LOL @ the Taylor Swift thing.

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Annual Summit of the Mustafinist-Komovist Alliance, January 2031

Main agenda items:

1. The British Columbia crisis

The MKA unanimously passed a motion condemning the actions of the Canadian federal government in British Columbia and recognizing Premier Carly Rae Jepsen's government as the sole legitimate provincial government. The Greek government informed its partners that it had indeed granted full political asylum and protection to Carly Rae Jepsen.

Greece and Russia proposed the creation of a Canadian National Council of anti-Harper/Bieber opposition leaders, but this proposal was not met with much enthusiasm from other countries.

All member states confirmed existing military sanctions against Canada.

2. Counter-terrorism

Greece had been rocked by bloody terrorist attacks in July 2030, and the suspects in the bombings had been apprehended thanks to high-level cooperation between Greece, Romania and Russia. These three countries, joined by Ukraine, led the charge for the creation of a Joint Counter-Terrorism Command (JCTC) for all Alliance members. The JCTC would be a centralized, supranational counter-terrorism and national security agency responsible for coordinating the work of all member states' intelligence agencies, and leading common investigations and operations on counter-terrorism issues. The JCTC's leadership would rotate between the heads of each member state's intelligence services every three months.

The proposal was approved with 5 votes in favour and one abstention (Chile).

3. The French insurgency and MNLF

By January 2031, the nascent French insurgency, concentrated in Savoie, had hit a standstill. The MNLF, retrenched in their mountainous strongholds, had managed to hold most of their core territory in eastern Savoie. The French military offensive in the fall 2030 had weakened the MNLF's military capabilities and means for only a few short months, and the winter season meant that it was tough for either France or the MNLF to resume offensives on the enemy. Italy continued to covertly provide material support, funding and rear bases for the MNLF.

At the Alliance Summit, Italy proposed that the MNLF - which was in attendance as a non-voting observer - be granted full membership in the Alliance. However, all other member states, while sympathetic to the MNLF, worried about the implications of granting the MNLF full membership. As per the Alliance's principle of collective defense, an "attack" on a member state would be considered as an attack on all member states. In practice, this meant that the French military's attacks on the MNLF would draw all other Alliance member states into an armed conflict with France, and potentially with France's allies. The Italian motion was defeated 5-1 (Italy voted in favour). A Romanian motion which would "encourage" all member states to provide "support, of any kind, as is possible" to the MNLF was approved, with 5 votes in favour and one abstention (Italy).

4. Turkey

Greece brought the issue of the recent (anti-Greek) military coup in Turkey to the table at the Summit. Greece requested that the Alliance expand existing sanctions to include full economic and military sanctions against Ankara and breaking all diplomatic relations with Turkey. The Greek motion was rejected with 3 votes against (Chile, Italy, Ukraine), 2 in favour (Greece, Russia) and one abstention (Romania). The Alliance Summit's final document only reiterated the existing economic sanctions on Turkey.

5. Expansion

The Alliance Summit unanimously extended an invitation for full membership to Poland. In addition, all members approved a motion co-signed by Greece and Italy to continue negotiations and cooperation with Mexico. Secretary-General Maria Paseka noted that she had scheduled to meet with the Mexican Secretary of Foreign Relations Elsa García Rodriguez.

6. Relations with Brazil

Relations between some Alliance members (Greece, Russia) and Brazil were cool, due to ideological differences and personal rivalries. Chile and Italy urged Greece and Russia to improve ties with Brazil, which they felt could be a useful and powerful ally in the struggle against fascism. A Chilean-Italian motion to improve relations with Brazil was approved with 4 votes in favour (Italy, Chile, Romania, Ukraine) and 2 abstentions (Russia, Greece).

[morgieb]

Haha  best timeline.

[Antonio the Sixth]

Bump!

[Hash]

Bump! For the moment, only a short and sweet update, but more stuff as I get ideas.

January 2031: Summary

In mid-January, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Bieber proceeded to his first major cabinet shuffle since taking office, a few months before the May 2031 federal election. His new cabinet removed a few long-time Harper-era cabinet ministers, but above all was marked by the rapid promotion of Ottawa-area Conservative MP Vanessa Mziray Morgan, previously Minister of Canadian Heritage, to the role of Deputy Prime Minister and Minister of Foreign Affairs. Mziray Morgan, a former actress, was another born-again Christian evangelical like Bieber and both had been close friends for a few years. She was elected to Parliament for a suburban Ottawa riding in 2027, and entered cabinet under Harper in 2028 as a junior minister before being promoted to the Heritage portfolio under Bieber in 2029. Her tenure as Heritage minister was unremarkable except for the promotion of kitsch reality TV shows and re-runs of My Babysitter is a Vampire episodes.

In one of his weekly press conferences, Rhodesian President Gabe 'the Babe' Snowstalker lashed out at US President Jennifer Lawrence calling her "a pawn of the capitalist elites and corporations" whose only interest was "perpetuating capitalist hegemony worldwide". He also claimed she was taking "direct orders from Jerusalem". He further alleged that Lawrence's 2028 election (and his own defeat) was "bought" by "corporations and big business" and the "Jewish banksters".

Somewhat controversially, in late January 2031, the Greek Parliament approved amendments to the Public Safety and Emergencies Act (PSEA). The new amendments to Greece's top anti-terrorism and anti-insurgency law now allowed the police to arrest, question and interrogate (for a period of 15 days at most) any individuals expressing political views which oppose key provisions of the Bill of Rights and the constitution. The amendments were supported by all three NMSG parties (which held a narrow absolute majority in Parliament) but opposed by the centre-right SDK, left-wing SYRIZA and the Communists.

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Civil War in France

On January 27, 2031, MNLF troops - supplied by Italy - launched a surprise attack on French military positions in the Maurienne Valley, recapturing Modane (lost in October 2030), and driving up the valley towards Saint-Michel-de-Maurienne and Saint-Jean-de-Maurienne. That same day, a spontaneous rising by left-wing unionized workers in the old Communist stronghold of Aiguebelle succeeded in ousting the FN local administration from the city and seizing control of the small industrial town and its surroundings.

President Panzermiss, on a state visit to Austria, was furious and returned to Paris immediately. Once again, France accused Italy of funding and providing support to the MNLF 'terrorists'. On January 31, French air force launched a bombing campaign against MNLF-controlled towns in the Maurienne and Tarentaise, killing about 50 civilians and 20-something rebels. The next day, a French military offensive was unsuccessful in its attempts to recapture Saint-Michel-de-Maurienne, where they were met with heavy MNLF resistance from heavily-armed and well-trained rebels.

Confident of the solidity of their strongholds, the MNLF allowed for the election of the first Councils of Government of the Liberated Territories (CGTL) in Bessans and Lanslebourg-Mont-Cenis. The elections, held in early February, were won by independent candidates backed by the MNLF General Assembly, the MNLF's top executive body based in Courmayeur, Italy.

On February 15, a French air force raid heading towards Modane was caught up in bad weather and accidentally released bombs on the Italian city of Bardonecchia, killing 15 civilians. That same day, Prime Minister Vanessa Ferrari issued a 48-hour ultimatum to France, calling on the French military to withdraw all its troops from the Italian border and calling off its air bombing campaign against the MNLF. With no response forthcoming from Paris on February 17, Vanessa Ferrari announced that the Italian government was considering the bombing of Bardonecchia as a "deliberate attack by the French military; a planned invasion of sovereign Italian territory". The next day, the Italian Parliament voted to declare war on France.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

The greatest TL ever is back.

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Franco-Italian War

On February 19, the Italian air force launched targeted drone strikes on French military targets in regions bordering Italy, killing 35 French soldiers and 5 civilians. France also launched limited surgical strikes on Italian military positions along the French border, particularly in the Aosta Valley in a bid to take out MNLF rear-bases, but France's air force was inferior to Italy's and French military intelligence was notoriously bad (given that it was mostly used to track down non-white illegals). France was unable to stop large, open shipments of Italian military aid across the border into MNLF-controlled territory.

The nascent conflict threatened to unravel the 'Cold War' stalemate in Europe. Greece, Russia, Romania and Chile were particularly displeased by Italy's behaviour in its sudden declaration of war with France. The United States, joined by Mexico and Brazil, called on an immediate cease-fire. Athens and Moscow in particular were amenable to the American idea of a cease-fire, and exerted significant pressure on Vanessa Ferrari's government in Rome to agree to the idea. On the opposite side, Rhodesia and Canada were worried that the conflict might spillover and draw them in (which neither country wanted, for now), so they too were favourable to the American proposal for a cease-fire.

On February 24, U.S. Secretary of State Alicia Sacramone convened an emergency summit to discuss the Franco-Italian conflict. It was attended by Russian Foreign Minister (and MKA Secretary-General) Maria Paseka, Italian Foreign Minister Carlotta Ferlito, a French delegation led by Nicolas Bay, a Greek delegation, Mexican Foreign Minister Elsa García Rodriguez, Brazilian President Daiane dos Santos, Chilean Foreign Minister Karol Cariola and Rhodesian Vice President Skillrex Walmart. Canadian Foreign Minister Vanessa Mziray Morgan was too busy finding Savoie on a map ("what is this thing I can't find it what on earth" - direct quote) to come. After two days of tough negotiations, an American-Brazilian cease-fire deal was hatched and approved by Italy (and the MKA) and France/Rhodesia. Italy and France would withdraw their troops and military equipment from territory located up to 25km from the international border, both countries would halt their military offensives and a "negotiating forum" would be opened in Switzerland for talks between the MNLF, France and Italy. France strongly disliked the deal, which they found partial towards the 'terrorists' and the Italians, but it was pressured into accepting it by Spain, Austria, Rhodesia and South Africa. The US had also threatened economic sanctions against France if it refused to sign on.

On March 1, in a pompous press conference, Rhodesian President Gabe 'the Sage Babe' Snowstalker claimed full credit for the cease-fire. Here is an excerpt:

The imperialists and capitalists wanted war, and did all they could to provoke the peace-loving French nation into such a war. Driven by capitalism and feminazism, and controlled by the Jewish banksters and Jerusalem, their dream was to remove a proud, Cogendist regime and replace it with yet another puppet state controlled by the capitalists, which oppresses the white working-class and sage scholars. We all know that the the eternal Jew is the greediest of all God's creatures.

However, thanks to sage Rhodesian guidance, we have brought the plutocrats to a halt in their inexorable quest for global domination. We told them, "halt your war, or face the mighty wrath of the white proletariat of Rhodesia" We all know that the capitalists are cowards, who can tremble when the proletariat flexes its muscle and unleashes revolutionary fury upon them. Therefore, they accepted our conditions and the troops of Vanessa Ferrari, who is nothing but the tool of Confindustria and the Jews, have retreated, trembling.

We must beware, however, of the capitalists restarting their war. Their quest for domination will only end when they are crushed, in every corner of the world. This is why Rhodesia is on the frontlines of a valiant fight to defend civilization and the white race from the combined black-capitalist onslaught.

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Franco-Italian cease-fire

Italian and French troops withdrew from their positions in the border zone as per the cease-fire agreement, but the MNLF rebels remained in their positions. In secret, however, both armies gradually moved their forces back within the 'cease-fire area' which was technically demilitarized until the Geneva-based "negotiating forum" had reached a definitive agreement. Naturally, the "negotiating forum" in Geneva - which theoretically included representatives from France, Italy and the MNLF - turned out to be a joke, which met only once in six months and degenerated into a shouting match the one time it did meet. In early April, French President Panzermiss alleged that the Italians had broken the cease-fire agreements by moving troops within the 'cease-fire area'. In mid-April, Italian Prime Minister Vanessa Ferrari, in a speech to the Chamber of Deputies, said that the cease-fire was "for all intents and purposes, dead - if it ever was alive" but that Italy had no intention of resuming hostilities with France unless provoked.

In Paris, the French government was divided between hardliners who advocated for pre-emptive strikes on the "terrorist haven of Italy" and moderates who did not wish to draw Italy into the conflict. On the ground, French troops clashed with MNLF rebels on a continuous basis. In March, 25 rebels and 10 soldiers were killed; in April, 59 rebels and 39 soldiers died.

March-May 2031

Elections were held in Poland in April 2031. Less than a year after President Kalwejt's election, his Coalition for a Democratic Poland, backed by the MKA and led by former gymnast Marta Pihan-Kulesza, swept to power. It won 59% of the vote and an absolute majority in both houses. Poland was now fully under control of the Mustafinist-Komovists. The new legislature's first act upon convening was to ratify the Treaty of Adhesion to the Mustafinist-Komovist Alliance and the Alliance Mutual Self-Defense Pact. Poland became the seventh full member. In mid-May, Bulgaria also joined the Alliance as a full member.

Canadian federal elections were held in early May 2031. Prime Minister Justin Bieber's Conservative Party, the sole party which was able to run, won every seat (again). However, turnout in British Columbia and other opposition strongholds in Toronto and Ottawa was extremely low. From exile in Athens, former BC Premier Carly Rae Jepsen denounced the elections as a "total and complete sham, a fraud." Deputy Prime Minister Vanessa Mziray-Morgan called her "a disloyal Canadian" because she was in exile. The Greek government, which had always been particularly involved in Canadian affairs, joined Carly Rae Jepsen in criticism of the elections. A PASOK MP (a close friend of Prime Minister L'Herminakis) later commented that "Vanessa Mziray should learn to spell words such as 'accommodating' before opening her mouth."

Tensions between Greece/Bulgaria and Turkey increased significantly in April 2031. In February 2031, the Greek government had signed - in secret - a military assistance deal with the Greek-Cypriot government of the Republic of Cyprus. The Rhodesian intelligence services got hold of this deal in mid-April, and informed the anti-Greek Turkish military junta about it. In response, the Turkish military significantly increased its nearly 60-year old military presence in the Turkish Republic of North Cyprus (TRNC) and dispatched two warships to patrol the TRNC's waters. Greek military intelligence in May 2031 noted significant troop movements in European Turkey/Turkish Thrace.

Kentucky gubernatorial election, 2031

The generally boring off-year gubernatorial elections in the US got very heated because of the Kentucky gubernatorial election. Incumbent Governor Josh Hutcherson (D) was retiring after one term in office, planning a run for US Senate in 2032. The gubernatorial race thus became an hotly contested race for an open seat, and one in the President's home state none the least.

The Republicans were determined to regain the gubernatorial mansion, lost in 2027. Their candidate was some redneck dude named Joe Ewell, who was apparently from the Kentuckian branch of the Alabama-based Ewell family, whose patriarch Robert E. Lee 'Bob' Ewell lynched some blacks in the 1930s.

The Democratic primaries on May 20 were hotly contested. The White House secretly backed Grimes, a Canadian-born singer, who moved to Kentucky in 2027 and had run Jennifer Lawrence's 2028 campaign op in Kentucky. Her opponent was Alison Lundergan Grimes, a former KY Secretary of State who was widely known on the internet as 'Fake Grimes' against Grimes, the 'Real Grimes'.

The primary campaign was acrimonious, mostly because of the intervention of the Atlas Drone Fan Club PAC, a little-known PAC (allegedly based in Ireland), which ran attack ads against 'Fake Grimes', calling her "boring" and "an impostor" against the 'Real Grimes'. The Atlas Drone Fan Club PAC was not connected to Grimes' campaign or the Democratic Party; it received its funding from certain individuals based in Vermont, New York, Pennsylvania and Georgia but also from abroad - Ireland and Greece.

Real Grimes was endorsed by Governor Kyrsten Sinema (D-AZ), Governor Katy Perry (D-CA) and Senator Demi Lovato (D-TX).

Fake Grimes' campaign countered by claiming that Grimes (the real one) was a carpetbagger and not "a real Kentuckian." Even the Rhodesian government intervened: two days before the primary, Rhodesian President Gabe 'the Sage Babe' Snowstalker said that (Real) Grimes was "horrible" and a "anti-Cogendist". Fake Grimes' campaign denied any ties to the Rhodesian President, urging primary voters to judge candidate on "their record standing up for the people of Kentucky."

Real Grimes was endorsed by Governor Danell Leyva (D-FL), Senator Tulsi Gabbard (D-HI) and Governor Destiny Hope Cyrus (D-TN).

May 20 primary results:
Real Grimes 50.1%
Fake Grimes 49.8%



Polling, post-primary:
Redneck Joe Ewell (R) 46%
Grimes (D) 38%
Undecided 16%

[morgieb]

Continue.

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Rhodesian Revolution (aka the Cogendist Revolution)

On May 1, 2031, Rhodesian President Gabe 'the Sage Babe' Snowstalker launched the "second phase" of the Rhodesian Revolution, also known as the Cogendist Revolution or the Rhodesian Cogendist Revolution. The "first phase" of the revolution had consisted of overthrowing the Zimbabwean government and establishing white minority rule. The "second phase" included major economic and social reforms.

In a speech to the High Cogendist Council, the President said "capitalism is digging its own grave as more and more wealth falls into fewer and fewer hands" and proclaimed "the new age of Cogendism is upon us". He talked of the need for an "organized revolutionary vanguard party which would guillotine the ruling classes", but later contradicted himself by saying he wanted "to spread voluntary revolution". He also spent an hour praising himself ("my life style and views are objectively superior", "I've met few people genuinely smarter than I am") and that he was "chosen, perhaps by fate, to carry the burden of building the new order". For good measure, he also talked about women ("only care about the uteruses and not the white working-class"), the blacks ("they ran our country into the ground, we shall not surrender unless the swart gevaar pushes us out of Africa"), the gays ("white man problems are at stake here") and the plutocrats/capitalists/banksters/imperialists ("guillotine the ruling classes en masse").

The Cogendist Revolution policies announced by the President were the following:
-nationalization of all banks
-nationalization of all utilities, natural resources and national industries
-abolishing the income tax, replaced by wealth confiscation/redistribution and the collection of a "revolutionary tax" to be paid by "the plutocrats" (undefined)
-collectivization of agriculture and small-scale industrial production/manufacturing
-banning abortion, same-sex marriage etc
-mass purges of "the ruling classes" (undefined)
-no "imperialist wars of aggression"
-the Cogendist Rhodesian Front (CRF) as the organized revolutionary vanguard party
-Gabe 'the Sage Babe' Snowstalker proclaimed Leader of the Revolution for life
-no elections ("a bourgeois sham"), local-level rule by Cogendist Councils
-a single legal, vertical trade union structure (Rhodesian Cogendist Labour Federation)
-social benefits (healthcare, education, welfare etc) only for the white working-classes of Rhodesia
-spreading the Cogendist Revolution to other countries

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Cogendist Revolution in Rhodesia

President Gabe 'the Babe' Snowstalker immediately signed decrees expropriating all private banks, farms, utility companies, resource companies and other industries (manufacturing, transportation etc); creating the Cogendist Revolutionary Tax (wealth confiscation) to be paid by all private business owners and 'plutocrats'; and limiting social benefits to the "Rhodesian worker and farmer" (all whites). Greek, Italian, Russian, Brazilian, Polish and Zambian-owned companies in Rhodesia were expropriated without compensation to their owners. Foreign companies owned by Rhodesian allies and the US were, for the moment, left untouched.

The foreign reaction was largely critical of President Snowstalker's revolutionary policies. The MKA, through the voice of Secretary-General and Russian Foreign Minister Maria Paseka called the Cogendist Revolution "ridiculous and destructive", Greek Prime Minister Gaelos L'Herminakis - more blunt - called on Snowstalker to "shut up because nobody finds your True Leftist bullcrap funny or endearing". The U.S. State Department released an official statement citing its concerns over the expropriation of privately-owned companies, violations of property rights and racist policies. Senator Demetria Lovato (D-TX), Chairwoman of the US Senate Committee on Foreign Relations, called on President Snowstalker to negotiate with private enterprises, opposition groups and foreign investors "immediately". The French, Canadian and South African governments praised the policies.

Franco-Italian tensions

By mid-May, the two-month old ceasefire between France and Italy was effectively dead on the ground. French and Italian troops, in open daylight, had already moved back into the 25km ceasefire border zone. President Panzermiss continued to accuse Italy of providing covert military assistance to the MNLF 'terrorists', while Italian Foreign Minister Carlotta Ferlito retorted that Italy had no lessons to take from France, claiming that France had broken the ceasefire first. In the tense border zone, the fighting between the MNLF rebels and the French military intensified, killing 161 rebels and 97 soldiers in May alone.

There was no direct fighting between French and Italian troops in May or June, but relations between both countries were effectively non-existent. In the backrooms, both governments considered which steps to take next. France met with its allies, Canada and Rhodesia, to sound out potential support for a pre-emptive attack on Italy - Panzermiss was being pressed by hardliners in her government to "punish" the Italians. Italy met with its MKA partners, first and foremost the regional powers - Russia and Greece, to evaluate the situation. Russia remained reluctant to join Italy in declaring war on France, but Greece had begun shifting its positions, becoming more preoccupied by the MNLF's fate against superior French military capacities and the French threat to Italy. On May 14, Greek Prime Minister Gaelos L'Herminakis secretly met with senior members of the Italian government and armed forces in Venice. The next day, he met with Russian President Aliya Mustafina, Prime Minister Viktoria Komova and Defence Minister Ksenia Afanasyeva in Moscow.

On May 22, Prime Minister Vanessa Ferrari announced that the Italian Parliament would be dissolved for general elections on June 29. Justifying her decision, Ferrari said that she sought a clear mandate from the people for a "resolute and determined course of action to defend Italy's sovereignty and territorial integrity, and promote democracy and human rights in the world" - which many interpreted as a mandate in order to declare war on France. Ferrari's centre-left coalition faced a centre-right coalition led by Barbara Berlusconi, one of the daughters of former Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, who had died in office (=in bed) while sleeping with a 20 year old stripper in 2019. Berlusconi's party strongly opposed any military intervention - instead, the right promised to break off all ties with the MNLF (which they considered to be radical communist subversives), restore diplomatic ties with France, withdraw from the MKA and become 'non-aligned' instead. Ferrari's government called Berlusconi's proposals 'dangerous' and 'weak' in the face of 'foreign bellicosity'.

A few days before the election, on June 16, the MKA announced that "any act of aggression against Italy will be considered, as stated in the Mutual Self-Defense Pact, as an act of aggression against all other member-states". Berlusconi decried the MKA's statement as 'foreign interference in a matter of domestic policy', while Ferrari and Ferlito welcomed the MKA's statement.

The election was shaping up to be very close, with both sides having a shot at victory. Voters approved of Ferrari's government and domestic policies, but many were reluctant to endorse her belligerent foreign policy and the threat of war against France. Others resented the MKA statement. Standing outside the centre-left bloc, the Pacifist Alliance-The Dove drew left-wing votes away from the government. The Pacifists stressed the need for peace at all costs, even if they were sympathetic towards the MNLF.

Final poll (June 20)
Centre-left (V. Ferrari) 47%
Centre-right (B. Berlusconi) 46%
Alleanza Pacifista La Colomba 6%
Others 1%