The Adventures of Hobo Orgy Guy and Blondie ***FINAL EPISODE***

[Mr. Morden]

[Nym shoots red electricity out of his hands, in the direction of Dave.  Dave simply raises his right hand meekly, and it absorbs Nym's attack, without doing any damage.]

Dave: I'm afraid your moderation has no effect on me, as I am the administrator.

thanks,
Dave

Nym90: Nevertheless, I will not submit to your authority.  Not after you abandoned me.

Dave: I never meant to `abandon you', as you put it.  I responded to all of your PMs, but my imprisonment in this fortress meant that all of my correspondence to you had to be passed through User Number 287.

thanks,
Dave

Nym90: Oh really?  This changes everything.  Does your family know that Winfield has been intercepting your correspondence?

Actually, scratch that.  This doesn't change everything.  This is all the more reason for Winfield to suffer the ultimate punishment.

Dave: No it isn't.  And I think you know that deep down.

User Number 11, you've disappointed me.  I entrusted you with the ultimate authority to rule over the Atlas forum, a forum that I hoped could be a "safe place" on the internet for discussion of American political cartography.

But you've taken it too far.  You executed people who you found to be in violation of the Terms of Service.  And now you've even taken the Terms of Service outside of the forum itself, using it as a template for law and order across the globe.  It's just an internet forum, User Number 11!  I never intended it to be anything more than that.

thanks,
Dave

Nym90: Didn't you?  You wrote the Atlas forum Terms of Service, the greatest set of governing principles in the history of cyberspace.  I only took it as far as I did because I thought that's what you wanted, Dave.

[Dave shakes his head.]

Dave: No, don't you see?  You've made the same mistake made by the Islamists in their interpretation of the wishes of the Prophet Mohammed, not to mention the same mistake made by Winfield in his efforts on behalf of Gov. Romney.

In each case, you have someone misinterpreting the words of their prophet, taking extreme measures to realize what they perceive as the utopia imagined by said prophet.  But I never meant for the Atlas forum to serve as a model for the wider world.  And even if I did, such a utopia should never be realized via the means that you employ.  Any revision to the US constitution should take place via a regularly convened constitutional convention.

[As Dave has been speaking, the other moderators (Bacon King, AndrewCT, Joe Republic, and the others) have been filing into the room.  They had all received Dave's message earlier in the evening, inviting them to meet him in Winfield's bunker.  They now all appear awestruck by the sight of Dave, inspired by his words.

However, Blondie is less than impressed by the way that Dave is hitting the viewer over the head in his comparison of the themes addressed in the various storylines.]

Blondie: Uh....really Dave?  You're just going to bluntly point out the parallels between the different characters in this story like that.

Seamus: Blondie, please don't break the fourth wall.

[But Dave's words have struck a chord with Nym, who begins to tear up.]

Nym90: I'm sorry Dave, but you're right.  I was out of control there.  I guess things just got out of hand, but you've brought me back down to Earth.  Really, I just should have been humbled by the fact that you chose me to serve as Modadmin all those years ago, and never let the power go to my head.

Seamus: Well, it's nice to see that you're lucid again.  But we have no idea when that nuclear strike is going to hit.  Perhaps we can get onto calling up President Naso to convince him to call it off?

Nym90: You're right, of course.

[Nym pulls out the satellite phone he showed Seamus earlier.]

Nym90: I guess this is the only method we have for contacting the outside world right now, so it's up to me to make the call.  I'll just dial--

[And just at that moment, Nym is struck in the back with an enormous bolt of blue energy, causing his skin to blacken, he then receives another bolt, which causes his body to crumble into dust.  It looks very much like what happens to Starscream in this video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yLtzA0A7w90

As Nym's body disintegrates, the satellite phone that he was holding in his hands falls to the ground and shatters.

We now pan up to the balcony that was situated behind Nym, revealing that the person who fired on him was Inks, who stands beside Mr. Twister.  They've just arrived in time for Inks to assassinate Nym, as Twister advised in the previous episode.  However, Inks appears to have done this just at the moment of Nym's conversion.

Inks looks down at all of his fellow moderators, who stand there with Dave, Blondie, Hog, Seamus, Winfield, etc.]

Inks: Wow, I didn't think I had it in me.  But I guess I stepped up to the plate at just the right moment, huh?

[The mouths of everyone below are agape.  They're in disbelief at Inks's actions.]

Inks: Why do you all look so concerned? 

Joe Republic: Jesus Christ, Inks, you just killed Nym!

Inks: Yeah, but he was out of control, wasn't he?  I just thought that.....wasn't this what everyone wanted me to do?

Joe Republic: I can't believe this, Inks.  He had our only way of calling off the nuclear attack.  And you killed him.  Nice work!  Can't you do anything right?

Inks: It's just that....Twister explained to me how I had an obligation here, and I just thought that as a moderator.....

[The crowd continues to be in shock, as they stare at Inks in continued disbelief.]

Inks: I mean, if some of you disagree, I understand that.  I didn't sign up to be a moderator to be popular, but I.....

So.....

I'd like to point out that I was the Deputy Modadmin, and Nym is dead now, so I guess I'm in line to replace him.  But it looks like some of you might not be happy about that.....

[Again, crowd in disbelief, staring at Inks.]

Inks: (now angry at them) Well fine then!  I did what I thought to be the right thing, and I stand by my decision.  But if I'm not going to get the support of the other moderators, then I'll just go on temporary leave!  Have fun investigating sock accounts without me!

[And we now pan over to the charred remains of Nym's body, and the shattered remains of the satellite phone.  And we fade out on the funeral dirge version of "The Rains of Castamere":

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TAxNhZoQQ2I  ]


TO BE CONTINUED….

[Mr. Morden]

The Adventures of Hobo Orgy Guy and Blondie (....in progress)

Episode 34 (2x14) "I Guess You Don't Understand The Concept Of Grace"

Winfield's bunker, large storage bay interior

[Nearly the entire cast of characters in our story are here now: Dave, the moderators, Blondie, Hog, Twister, Seamus, Winfield, Yougo1000, BRTD's imaginary 10 year old daughter, and the still-unconscious Bushie.

Inks has just killed Nym, and destroyed his satellite phone, which was apparently the group's only means of communicating with the outside world, to plead with the US military to call off the imminent nuclear attack on Salt Lake City.  The other mods are voicing their displeasure with Inks by circulating a petition.

Tender Branson walks up to Inks, and pushes the petition in his face.]

Tender Branson: Will you sign this, Inks?

[Inks grabs the piece of paper, and reads...]

Inks: Petition to de-mod Inks?  Really guys?

Joe Republic: Sorry Inks, but what did you expect?  You've doomed us all, and we could all die a fiery death any minute now.  You expect us to keep you as a moderator?

Inks: These signatures aren't even real.  The first one is supposedly Keystone Phil.  He's thousands of miles away!  How could he have signed this in the last few minutes?

Joe Republic: No, that's absolutely real.  I figured this day would come, so I started the petition years ago, and Phil eagerly signed up first.

Inks: But this is unusually specific.  It says "Petition to de-mod Inks in response to his assassination of Nym."  How could you have predicted that?

[Joe pulls out some additional pieces of paper with Keystone Phil's signature, and holds them up for Inks to look at.]

Joe Republic: Phil wanted to make sure that his voice was counted in support of de-modding you regardless of the circumstances, so we came up with every contingency: "Petition to de-mod Inks in response to his moderating while under the influence of hard liquor", "Petition to de-mod Inks in response to his sale of private IP information to corporate advertisers", "Petition to de-mod Inks in response to the recent revelations regarding his role in the plot to assassinate President Kennedy"?

Badger: I'm afraid I've got to reluctantly agree with Joe here.  Most of us have had disagreements about moderating philosophy before.  That's perfectly understandable, given that Dave has been imprisoned for over a decade, and left us to our own devices, with no guidance.  I'm not one to criticize other moderators for their tough decisions in most cases, but killing the Modadmin is a bridge too far, even for me.

Bacon King: I can't believe you guys are wasting time on this conversation.  We're all going to be dead pretty soon, and you're wasting time on this?  Let's get serious here....Dave is never going to read this petition.  This is absolutely pointless.  These petitions don't work.  If you have a case to make about de-modding Inks, then just email Dave rather than waste time with this.

Mr. Moderate: No, there's no time for that.  We need to focus on what we can do in our final moments before we die: Choose a new Modadmin, now that Nym is gone.

Badger: What about you?

Mr. Moderate: Me?

Badger: Well, we don't want Inks.  And I think you'd be relatively uncontroversial, even if there are others with more seniority.

Bacon King: I could go along with that.  But again, Dave is never going to respond to our request anyway, so why are we even bothering?

Seamus: Excuse me people, but may I point out the absurdity of this debate, given that we're all about do die?

Can we get down to the business of finding out if there's any way for us to save ourselves, and this city, now that Nym's shattered satellite phone is out of the picture?

[Seamus grabs the dazed Winfield and tries to shake him into lucidity.]

Seamus: Come on Winfield, think!  When you built this fortress you had to have planned for every contingency!  There must be *SOME* way for us to contact the outside world regardless of the military's attempts to jam any signal.

[Winfield thinks for a minute, and then....]

Winfield: Actually....there is.

Seamus: And?

Winfield: And what?

Seamus: Are you going to tell us what it is?

Winfield: Good question.  I fear that if I assist you in communicating with the outside world, you will use the opportunity to have me incarcerated, and my efforts to install Gov. Romney as president of the United States will face a serious setback.

Seamus: Winfield, you showed me Gov. Romney's corp....uh.....I mean, his comatose body.  If you surrender yourself to the authorities, they'll surely come here to take you in, and see the Governor's glorious, inert self.  Surely, that will....ummm.....spark a nationwide movement to install him as president, no?  I mean, what's the alternative?  We all die in a nuclear blast, including the Governor himself?

Winfield: I don't know.  That doesn't sound very plausible.

Seamus: Are you doubting the raw charisma of Gov. Romney's unconscious body?  You don't think he could lead this nation with his eyes closed?

Winfield: I....I guess I shouldn't doubt Him.

You're right.  I'm sure there will soon be a groundswell of support for Him.  A Silent Majority that can be harnessed to His electoral advantage.

Please discuss.

So, let us proceed with the plan to escape from our present predicament.

There is an emergency internet line that runs deep underground, beneath this fortress, and reconnects with the rest of the so-called "world wide web" somewhere near Denver.  The troll leadership running troll territory in Colorado has never touched it, because they consider ease of internet access vital to maintaining their standard of living.

So with this line of communication, you can reach anywhere in the outside world.  But the connection is very slow.  Not fast enough to support an audio or video call.  The best you could do is send an email of some kind, or perhaps upload an image.

[Mr. Morden]

Seamus: Hmmm....I was hoping we could call in your surrender to authorities, but this may be a bit trickier than assumed.

What kind of message could we send that would actually get the Pentagon's attention, given those limitations?

Dave: A fair question.  If the Atlas was still online, then I believe I could devise a message that would attract President Naso's attention.  But without it, this would be problematic.

thanks,
Dave

Twister: You mean this Atlas?

[Twister reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a flash drive, the same one that he showed Blondie and Hog way back in Episode 18.]

Dave: Incredible.  Do you mean to suggest that the source code for my election atlas can be found in that device?

thanks,
Dave

Twister: Yeah, the last remainging copy.  I brought it here from Cheyenne Mountain.  I've had it on me the whole time.  Inks was supposed to interrogate me for information, but he never thought to actually search me for the one thing Nym was looking for.

Dave: Well then, we may just have a fighting chance.

thanks,
Dave

Winfield: No, I'm afraid you don't.  You see, there's no power running from this station's reactor core to the modem that's connected to that internet line.  You have to actually get into the reactor core itself, and manually divert power.  Do you know how difficult that is?

Blondie: Enlighten us.

Winfield: To maintain security here, the security codes for entering the reactor core remain unknown even to myself.  I entrusted that information to a few of my most trusted robot servants.  Robot servants that your friend, the dearly departed Mr. Nym90, has destroyed.

So what do you have to do to get in there now?  Go down to level 9B, reprogram the Rainbow Play Systems computer, which is encrypted in a Kenyan dialect of Swahili, thus allowing you access to the engineering area.  You then release the seal on the reactor core chamber.  It's vacuum sealed, such that only someone familiar with Kirby vacuums would have any hope of breaking it.  Then you enter the reactor core, highly dangerous in itself, and divert power to the modem in question.  But the reactor core is powered by an enriched fuel known as Oklahoma natural gas.  Where are you going to find someone with knowledge of such a fuel, who is also familiar with Kirby vacuums, Rainbow Play computer systems, and Kenyan languages?  That's a rather specific set of skills.

[And just at that moment, Bushie started to stir a little.  He didn't really move, or even open his eyes, but he looked up....looked up at Hog in particular, and then he muttered.....

BushOK: Cleaning up the meat......love on kids......brief relaxation......gotta focus on Christmas, only 11 months away.....

[And with that, Bushie drifted back to unconsciousness.

And at that instant.....a flood of memories, uh, flooded back into Hog's head.]

Hog: I remember.

Blondie: What?

Hog: I remember everything.

Blondie: You mean?

Hog: Yes.  I remember my life as Bushie.

AndrewCT: You're Bushie?  I guess you do sort of look like him.

Hog: Yes, I am.  Didn't you watch the previous episodes?  Try to keep up.  (now facing Seamus)  Listen, Mr. Irishman, I believe I have all the skills you need.  I'm familiar with that Rainbow Play Systems computer, I learned Swahili while living in Kenya for about a decade, I'm well versed in all of the Kirby vacuum's enhanced suction techniques, and I know everything there is to know about Oklahoma Natural Gas.

Seamus: And how do you know how to do all of that?

Hog: Because I was training.  I was training all of my life for this moment and I just didn't know it.

Listen.  I'd forgotten who I was.  I guess it was the fact that I hit myself in the head with a rock and then traveled through time.  That may be the literal reason for my forgetfulness, yes.

But there's a deeper reason.  I forgot who I was because I wanted to forget.  I was thrown into poverty, living the life of a hobo.  I was truly on my own, and had no parents to fall back on, nor a Winfield to offer me a job.

And I guess, subconsciously, I didn't want to face up to the fact that my old life, my life as "BushOklahoma", had left me so ill prepared for adversity.

And so I hated myself.  That is, I didn't know that I was hating *myself*, as I didn't know that I was Bushie.  But I hated....*him*.  That is, Bushie.  The younger Bushie.  The one who'd squandered all the opportunities he was handed and ignored everyone's advice.  The one who'd called the police and began regular patrols when a few hobos wanted to use his unoccupied residence to bring a little joy to their lives.  I wanted to throw a rock at him, to punish him for what he did.  And I eventually did that, and it created the person who you see today.

I also hated Update.  I hated it even before I lost my memory.  I thought that it would never bring me anything other than emptiness and despair.  But listening to that "Update on tape" has jogged my memory, and brought it all back to me.  Update provided a record of all of my old life as Bushie, that will live forever, long after I'm gone.  And it's reminded me of the skills that I have.  The skills that I learned at all of those seemingly dead end jobs, skills that will now save the lives of millions of people, when I prevent this nuclear attack.

Seamus: Actually, it's only hundreds of thousands.

Hog: Whatever.  The point is, yes I screwed up over and over.  Yes, I failed to learn from my mistakes.  But now there's an opportunity for me, here, right now, to put everything I've ever learned to use.  I may be a screw-up who all of you liked to mock, but I can make a difference, here, today.  At least for this one day, I can be proud to be BushOklahoma, star of Update.

Winfield: Even with your skills, it won't be enough.  Nym may have destroyed all of the robots on this level, but there are still some guard droids that are programmed to defend the reactor core at all costs, and that I have no way of calling off.  You will need some serious firepower in order to neutralize them.

Hog: Well then.  (Turns to face Dave)  There is one thing you can do for me......make me a moderator again.


TO BE CONTINUED….

[Mr. Morden]

Inks, on the off chance you're reading this, sorry to be picking on you with the de-modding discussion, but I came up with this story a year ago, and didn't know what was going to happen IRL on the forum this year.  And, well, the show must go on. 

[Mr. Morden]

The Adventures of Hobo Orgy Guy and Blondie (....in progress)

Episode 35 (2x15) "There Should Be A Statute Of Limitations For Criticsm"

Winfield's bunker, large storage bay interior

[The gang's all here, debating how to save themselves from nuclear annihilation.  Hog has just remembered his life as Bushie, and volunteered to make the dangerous trip into the bunker's reactor core.  He's just now asked Dave to make him a moderator again, so that he'll be able to fight his way through this mission.]

Joe Republic: (turns to Dave)  Hold on a second.  Are you saying that this guy (points to Hog) is actually Bushie.....and he's asking to be reinstated as a moderator?  So that...what?  We can trust him to save our lives?  Bushie?  You do remember why we was de-modded in the first place, don't you?

Hog: I think we all remember that, Joe.  My de-modding was a consequence of the first of many bad decisions that I made many years ago.  But I've moved on.  I'm ready to begin life as a normal member of society, just like everybody else.  No better and no worse.  I'll start a normal career with the skills that I've learned once I save us all from nuclear attack.  But I'm going to need moderation powers to do that.

Now, maybe you still disagree with me, and *still* don't think I can be trusted, even after all these years.  But I just explained my deep desire to change, and you have no real alternative, so your argument just got tinkled on.

Joe Republic: OK.

Hog: OK, you agree with me?

Joe Republic: No.  OK, I believe that you're Bushie.

Dave: I understand your concerns User Number 1337, but as Atlas administrator, I have to make some hard decisions, and this is one of them.  And it appears that User Number 1387 may be our only hope.

User Number 1387, are you ready?

thanks,
Dave

Hog: Ready as a Rich & Rare whiskey.

Dave: Very well then.

[And with that, Dave takes one step towards Hog, and reaches out to him, granting him moderation powers in the same manner that Jor-El did to Superman in the "re-powering" scene from Superman II (the Donner Cut), see ~3:10 to the end of this video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uaRNtPA0l2w

Hog's t-shirt now features a red Oklahoma avatar on it, as he's enveloped in red electricity, which then retracts into his hands.

But now we focus on Dave.  His gift of mod powers to Hog has nearly drained the life out of him, and he collapses to the ground.  Several of the moderators rush to his side, to discover that he's still breathing, but very weak.  He lifts his head slightly.]

Dave: Worry not, my friends.  After all these years away from Atlas, that re-moderation has shaken me up, but I will survive.

thanks,
Dave

AndrewCT: No offense Dave, but you look awful.  Are you sure you don't want to lie down for a few minutes?

Dave: There's no time.  I still have enough life in me to direct the reprogramming of the Atlas source code from here.

(turning to the moderators) I'm going to need all of you for this.  I know this has been a roller coaster for all of you, but right now, I need my Atlas moderation team for this job.

It's going to take every scrap of technological and demographic expertise you have.  So it's got to be all of us working on this......that includes you, User Number 1663, regardless of what they may say about your moderation judgment.

thanks,
Dave

[Inks smiles a bit at the suggestion, after having felt rejected by his peers a few moments earlier.]

Blondie: Well, I'm just a dog, so I don't know anything about election map websites.  But I do know how to be man's best friend to my traveling companion of these last few days.

Hog, or Bushie, or whatever you want me to call you now....I'd like to join you on this.

Hog: OK then.  Let's go.

Winfield's bunker, Level 9B, corridor leading to engineering area

[Hog is typing some Swahili instructions into the Rainbow Play computer as Blondie looks on.  It's a little tedious, and Hog begins to make some idle conversation with Blondie as he types.]

Hog: You know, you didn't really need to come along for this.  I appreciate the company, but I think I've got this.

Blondie: You never know when I might prove myself useful.

In any case, who knows if any of this will work?  If not, then I just want you to know.....it's been an honor serving as your traveling companion for these incredible "adventures" we've been having this past couple of days.

Hog: Despite you....and me....now knowing my real identity?  After all, my treatment of you way back in 2013 when I "adopted" you may not have been the best.

Blondie: You are who you are now, and that was many years ago from your perspective.  I'm not going to hold your past against you.  It may be immortalized in Update, but you don't have to be bound to that forever.  There's nothing to stop you from being whatever you want to be now.

[And just then, Hog gets the doors open, and the duo are faced with what lies behind it....a room full of robot nkpatel units, ready to attack.  The red Oklahoma avatar on Hog's shirt illuminates, as he prepares to use his moderation powers for the first time in many years.]

Winfield's bunker, large storage bay control room interior

[Dave lies on his back, directing his moderators as they program.  It's sort of like Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, where Sean Connery has been shot, and he's lying on his back, mouthing words of instruction to Indy about the "Breath of God", "Word of God", and "Path of God".  Except in that case, Indy wasn't in the same room, so it wasn't clear what Sean Connery was accomplishing.  In this case, Dave is similarly injured (his granting of moderation powers to Bushie having sucked most of the life out of him), but the people he's instructing, his moderators, are right there in the room with him.

In any case, they're typing away at computers in this room, trying to use the Atlas code to set up the website just right, for when Hog (hopefully) establishes internet contact with the outside world.  Oddly enough, Dave is offering his instructions in machine language, as it's the programming language that he's most comfortable with.]

Dave: User Number 1799, 10100000 00010100 10110010.  Now, User Number 1478, set the first line on your piece of code to 11010101 10100100.....

[And the moderators respond to his instructions accordingly as they type away.  So, with nothing exciting going on here, we cut back to.....]

Winfield's bunker, Level 9B, corridor leading to engineering area

[Hog has apparently destroyed the bulk of the nkpatel units with relative ease.  However, two of them are left, and they retreat in fear.  They exit through the door into the engineering area that Hog had just opened.

Hog and Blondie run after them.  Before them, they see a long tunnel, at the end of which is a ladder leading up to the next level, where there's an open door.  They chase after the two nkpatel robots, but the nkpatels have a huge lead on them, and are very fast.  They both make it all the way across the tunnel, climb the ladder, and reach the open door while Hog and Blondie are still only about halfway across the tunnel.

One of the nkpatels shouts out:]

nkpolitics1279: In the 2012 presidential election, if the Republican nominee had been Mike Huckabee-AR.
Obama wins PA,WI,IA,and NH-4.
Huckabee win FL,OH,NC,VA,IN,and MO and plus all the other Southern States.
Huckabee selects John Thune-SD as his VP runningmate- giving him AZ,MT,ND,and SD.

[Both robots then exit through the door, close and lock it, and then the door on the other side of the room appears to seal shut as well.

Blondie and Hog stop in their tracks, not knowing what to expect next.

And that's when the tunnel begins to fill with water.]

Blondie: No problem.  We can make our way to the other end of this thing before this room fills up, can't we?  I mean, it'll be deep enough that we'll have to paddle, but--

Hog: Well, there *is* a problem with that.

Blondie: What's that?

Hog: Don't you remember from that "Update on tape"?  I can't swim.


TO BE CONTINUED….

[Mr. Morden]

The Adventures of Hobo Orgy Guy and Blondie (....in progress)

Episode 36 (2x16) "Everything In My Life In the Past Three Decades Has Led Me To This Point...."

Winfield's bunker, tunnel to engineering area

[As per the situation at the end of the previous episode, Hog and Blondie have been sealed into this tunnel.  At the end of the tunnel is a ladder leading up to the next level, and possible escape.  However, the water level is rising, Hog has just indicated that he doesn't know how to swim, it doesn't look like they're going to make it to the end of the tunnel in time.

Blondie is swimming with ease, but Hog is struggling to keep his head above water.]

Hog: I'll never make it....(glug glug).....you'll have to go on without me......Before I die, I'll give you a 30 second tutorial about Kirby vacuums and natural gas.

[Blondie is paddling for his life, and he tries to save Hog, grabbing Hog with his teeth, and trying to paddle him to safety.  But Blondie's just a puppy, and can't really carry a grown man like that.]

Blondie: Come on, Hog!  How can you not swim?  All you have to do is kick and wave your arms around!  Otherwise, you'll drown.

Hog: (glug glug) I can't do it....

[Hog appears on the verge of losing consciousness.]

Oklahoma City area children's birthday party, 2011

[Bushie is attending a birthday party for the child of a friend of the family.  He is standing in the shallow end of the pool, as he watches the children around him, swimming around and splashing water in his face.  He tries to retaliate, but they just retreat into the deep end, where he can't get them, since he can't swim.]

BushOK: You kids need to get out of the pool now.  It's 19:30, and your parents say you'll miss your bed time if you stay up any later.

[The kids keep splashing him.]

BushOK: Why won't you listen to me?

little girl: You can't stop us if you can't reach the deep end, Uncle Bushie!

[Bushie is fuming, but she's right.  He can't do anything without swimming after them.  And his coordination and rhythm are such that that appears impossible.  He stares at the kids, trying to understand how they're managing to propel themselves through the water.  But it's no use, the lesson doesn't take.

He makes one attempt to lunge forward into the water, but he just sort of belly flops.

We now see that the children are gone, and Bushie is alone in the pool, which is largely covered in a dreamlike mist.  The mist parts, and we see Papa Bushie kneeling at the edge of the pool.]

Papa Bushie: And why do we fall, Master Bushie?

BushOK: So we can immediately quit, and not even give two weeks notice?

Papa Bushie: You'll never learn.  You had countless strangers on the internet who cared about you, giving you sound advice about how to live self-sufficiently, but you gave up and quit on them, just as you have ever since Northrop Grumman.

And that's why you'll die right here, in this bunker, along with so many of those who were only trying to help you.  All because you wouldn't listen to them.

BushOK: Bunker?  What?  Is this a memory or a dream?

Papa Bushie: It doesn't matter.  But I guess saving your friends isn't sufficient motivation for you.

So forget about them.  You don't really care about them anyway, do you?  You never really did anything selfless in your life, so why start now?

No, if you're going to swim, swim in order to save your own skin.  Because if you don't figure it out, you're going to die right now.

Winfield's bunker, tunnel to engineering area, 2029

[We're back on Hog in 2029, and he's focusing on what he observed all those years ago in Oklahoma.  Thinking back to his memory of the kids swimming, he attempts to replicate their movements.....

....and it appears to work.  He is dog paddling.....in slow motion, as we hear Chariots of Fire playing as background music:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RY3XiM7oGj0

Eventually, both Hog and Blondie make it to the end of the tunnel, as the water level continues to rise.  They climb the ladder to the next level.  They're now well above the water, but it's still rising.]

Hog: Thanks for your help back there.

Blondie: Uhhh....maybe we should skip the thanks for now, and make our way out of here before the water level reaches us.

[The red Oklahoma on Hog's shirt begins glowing.  He reaches his hand forward, and electricity shoots out, smashing the lock on the door.  Hog and Blondie make their way through the door, and then shut it quickly behind them.

They then make their way into the next room, which features.....the reactor core.  Except that it's behind a big glass panel, covered in a Kirby vacuum seal.]

Hog: This vacuum seal will take a while to crack, but I can do it.

Blondie: What takes so long?

Hog: It's Kirby.  You can't just snap your fingers to defeat their vacuum seal.  I'll need to go all in on the focus part of it.  I mean, think about it.  Kirby is designed to deep clean, protect and maintain the value of your home.  A Kirby vacuum is a leader in the industry that outlasts the competition every time.

Blondie: Easy there with the commercial.  You don't want to be de-modded again.

Winfield's bunker, large storage bay control room interior

[Dave is still lying on his back, directing his moderators as they program.]

Dave: OK, now, you're going to need the county data for the Pacific Northwest.

thanks,
Dave

AndrewCT: The Pacific Northwest?  Just what kind of image are you making here?

Dave: That should become clear soon enough.

thanks,
Dave

[And we're back to....]

Winfield's bunker, reactor core entrance

Hog: Got it!  I've got the Kirby vacuum seal breached!  All I had to do was change the setting from suck to blow.

[Hog opens the door, and Hog and Blondie carefully enter the reactor chamber.  We see a large, transparent tube extending from the floor to the ceiling.  Natural gas appears to be flowing through the tube.]

Blondie: OK, so what do we do now?

Hog: Well, we have to divert that Oklahoma natural gas so that it'll power the modem that the others can use to reach the outside world.  Now....how to do that.....

[Hog finds a nearby computer console, sits down, and presses a few buttons on it.]

Hog: My years at Oklahoma Natural Gas gave me the experience necessary to diagnose a reactor such as this one.  We'll see if we can......

Blondie: What?  What is it?

Hog: This isn't going to work.

Blondie: Why not?

Hog: Corrosion.  No maintenance on this in ages.  There are actually holes within the core that corkscrew through it.  If we want to divert power, we'll need some thin flexible material that can patch those holes up.  But I don't see anything around here that would work.

So we're hosed.

[Hog slumps down in his chair, defeated.]

Blondie: So that's it?  We're done?  Nothing we can do, so we simply sit here and die?

Hog: I just.....I'm sorry Blondie.  But I can't think of any way out of this.

Winfield's bunker, large storage bay control room interior

[Dave continues to direct the moderators as they program a message into the Atlas.  Meanwhile, in another corner of the room, Winfield is looking at diagnostic readings on the bunker, while Seamus watches him like a hawk, to make sure there isn't any funny business.]

Winfield: My dear canine friend.

In your view, how would the assembled here react to some bad news from the most recently intercepted orders by the Pentagon to their fleet of nuclear-armed aircraft?

Seamus: What's the message?

Winfield: The bombers have taken off, and will be in strike range in little more than 20 minutes. 

Please discuss.


TO BE CONTINUED….

[Mr. Morden]

The Adventures of Hobo Orgy Guy and Blondie (....in progress)

Episode 37 (2x17) "....Because God Does Not Make Mistakes"

Winfield's bunker, reactor core

[Hog and Blondie are slumped against the wall, reminiscing in what they think are their final moments on Earth.]

Blondie: Well, I guess we can at least say that we had an eventful last couple of days to our lives.  I mean, I'm just a puppy, so I haven't lived very long to begin with, but this has been a crazy few days.  Too bad it's all about to end.

[Hog isn't paying much attention as he's holding his head.]

Blondie: What is it?

Hog: I've got a category 8 headache.  To be honest, I've had it pretty bad for most of the last couple of days.  But I've been too disracted with everything else going on to worry about it.  Now I have nothing left to do except worry about it.

[Hog looks up.  He spots some food on the kitchenette across the room.....including a box of spaghetti.]

Hog: Hmmm.....spaghetti...never really had the chance to cook it as a hobo, but it was my "specialty" when I was younger.  Maybe we should cook it, as our last meal.  I mean--

Blondie: Yes?

Hog: That's it! 

[And we flash back to:]

Hog: Corrosion.  No maintenance on this in ages.  There are actually holes within the core that corkscrew through it.  If we want to divert power, we'll need some thin flexible material that can patch those holes up.  But I don't see anything around here that would work.

Hog: Spaghetti would be perfect to plug the holes in the reactor core!  If we hurry, we may still be able to save everyone.  All we need to do is cook the spaghetti.

Come on.  I'll need your help in order to make this.

Blondie: You need my help for spaghetti?  You just said it was your specialty.  All you have to do is boil the noodles in water!

Hog: I know, but that's a lot of steps to remember.  I can only make it with some assistance.

[We now get a montage of Blondie and Hog making spaghetti.  The montage screeches to a halt when Hog interrupts:]

Hog: Then again, maybe this isn't a good idea.  I don't know if I should be allowed in the kitchen.  I was thinking we might order pizza instead.

Blondie: Don't be absurd.

Winfield's bunker, large storage bay control room interior

Dave: OK, that's the last of the coding we need, to send our message to President Naso.  Does it all compile correctly, User Number 1663?

thanks,
Dave

Inks: Yes.  Everything checks out.

Dave: And our internet connection?

thanks,
Dave

Joe Republic: Nothing.  Bushie failed us....just as expected.

Inks: So.....I guess he'll die a screw-up, just like he lived.

Joe Republic: Except he's taking all of us down with him.

Winfield's bunker, reactor core

[The spaghetti is done, and Hog puts oven mitts on both hands.  He takes the pot, empties out the water, and then faces the door to the reactor core.  He pauses there for a moment.  Then, without looking down at Blondie, he says...]

Hog: J.J....

Blondie: Please, my name's Blondie.  You're sounding more like your old self by the minute.

Hog: Back when I nearly drowned in that tunnel, I had a vision of my father.  He told me about how I've always been selfish.  Never really doing anything for other people if it meant that I had to make a sacrifice for myself.

Blondie: OK.  Do we really have time for this?  We have to plug the reactor core as soon as possible.

[Hog swallows hard.]

Hog: In order to plug those holes, we're going to have to go into that reactor chamber itself and do it manually.  That means being exposed to Oklahoma natural gas....which will probably kill us.

Blondie: (pause) Oh.

[Hog kneels down to Blondie's level, and sets the pot of spaghetti on the ground.  He then puts his hand (still with oven mitts on) up to Blondie's temple.]

Hog: Remember.

Blondie: What does that mean?  Remember what?

Hog: I don't know.  I saw it in a movie once.

[Hog then stands back up, again picking the pot of spaghetti up.]

Hog: Three other things I should tell you.

First, whatever happens, I want you to know that I love you.

Blondie: Ooookaaaay.

Hog: Second, my headache's gone.

And third, there's no reason why we *both* have to die.

[With that, Hog kicks Blondie hard, clear across to the other end of the room.  Before Blondie has a chance to react, Hog has entered the reactor chamber, releasing the seal, to allow him to manually plug the holes in the core with the spaghetti.  Blondie gets his wits about him, and makes a move towards the reactor chamber, but Hog has sealed himself in.  Oklahoma natural gas is pouring across Hog's face, but he continues to work, oblivious to the danger.  It's a lot like this scene of Spock in the Enterprise's engine room, attempting to restore warp power:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fHAOWLhrxhQ

Blondie can only look on in terror and admiration, as Hog plugs the holes in the reactor core with the spaghetti, then makes the vital rerouting of power to the modem that allows communication with the outside world.

And just as he completes his rerouting, he stumbles to the ground, unconscious.]

Winfield's bunker, large storage bay control room interior

[Dave and all the moderators are seemingly resigned to their fate.  Most of them pace around the room, or recount their favorite memories from their presumably-soon-to-be-over lives.  A few try to recreate poses from the Post a Picture of Yourself thread, for posterity.

Dave still lies on the ground, severely weakened by his earlier granting of moderation powers to Hog.  But he remains perfectly lucid.  Inks monitors a single computer screen, hoping for some signal that Hog and Blondie have restored power to the modem.

And then.....]

Inks: Dave!  The modem appears to be fully functional now.  He have contact with the outside.

Dave: User Number 1387's done it.  Now, quickly, upload the new copy of the Atlas immediately, and alert the White House.

thanks,
Dave

[Inks types a few keys on his keyboard.  He had everything ready to go, so this is done in seconds.]

Inks: Done!

[Dave then opens his eyes wide, and yells out:]

Dave: It is finished!

thanks,
Dave

[He then closes his eyes, and his breathing becomes erratic.  The other mods rush over to him, to see if he's OK.]

[Mr. Morden]

Washington, DC: White House, interior

[We're in the situation room.  President Naso is surrounded by his national security team.  They're all busily working around him, preparing for the impending nuclear strike on Salt Lake City.  But there's an AP photographer there, and Naso is trying to choreograph everyone's poses for a photo.]

Naso: This has got to be perfect.  This picture will be on the front page of every newspaper in the world, and will be admired throughout history as the moment when the commander in chief of the United States military finally launched a crippling strike against the terrorist threat.

[The photographer nods along.]

Naso: I don't want to see a repeat of the test photos you took earlier.  You had me looking like President Whitmore from Independence Day:



when I was going for the look of President Marshall from Air Force One:



Now don't get me wrong.  Bill Pullman is a respectable actor, and I appreciated his effort at bringing to life the leader of the free world, especially portraying a president who was a military veteran, during the 1990s, when our actual president had once protested against American military operations on foreign soil.  However, I'm afraid---

[Naso is interrupted by Chief of Staff Mike Assad.]

Assad: Mr. President, the situation is rather serious here.  Don't you think you should be focused on the attack?

Naso: Let me tell you a story.  On the walk over to the situation room, I passed several tourists taking the White House tour.  I yelled out to the assembled crowd "Are there any women here?"

One young woman sheepishly raised her hand.  I asked her whether she thought Harrison Ford was attractive.  This underaged ignoramus did not know who Harrison Ford was!



When I was a kid, my mother thought that George W. Bush (circa 2000) was "hot".  She said that she found three famous men to be irresistible: Kevin Costner, Harrison Ford, and yes, Former U.S. President George Bush.

Now, these days Harrison Ford is 86 years old, and has not appeared on film for many years.  And so many of today's "urban youth" are unfamiliar with the man.  However, because of the regrettably large fraction of the electorate comprised of women and blacks, in the next election, I must expand my voter base to segments of the voting population that would not normally consider backing the GOP.  While Harrison Ford may have faded into obscurity, there's no reason why I can't tap into his presidential sex appeal, and--

[An aide interrupts Naso:]

Aide: Mr. President....(swallows hard).....the bombers are in position.  They're ready to initiate the nuclear strike on your orders.

Naso: I see.

My fellow Americans, it is with a heavy heart that I ask you to get into the positions I've assigned to you so that this photographer can capture the very moment when I--

[Assad has a mobile device in his pocket that suddenly rings.  He pulls it out to take a look at it.]

Naso: Now, Mr. Assad, I've told you that I don't want those infernal things in here to ruin the mood.  We need complete concentration if we are to capture the cinematic magic of this moment of unprecedented bloodshed.

[Assad is taken aback by what he sees.]

Assad: Sir, this is.....I don't believe it.

Naso: What is it, Mike?  Spit it out.

Assad: It's the Atlas, sir.  Dave Leip's US Election Atlas.

Naso: Dave Leip's been missing for years.  Can't be him.

Assad: I don't know if it's Leip himself, sir.  But it is the Atlas.  It's been offline for the last decade, but I just got an alert showing that the uselectionatlas.org domain is active again.  And there's new data there.  A map for the 2029 election.

Naso: Well, that can't be Leip, then.  He's smarter than that.  He'd know that there is no election this year.  The election was last November, in 2028.  (chuckles) Unless there's been a coup, I don't think my term will end in just one year.

Assad: Nevertheless sir, this is the most reliable election map website we have, and it says that this is the electoral map for 2029.

[Assad hands his handheld device to Naso, for him to take a look for himself.  Naso takes in the map, and gasps.]

Naso: Call it off!

Assad: Call what off?

Naso: The bombing.  Don't you see?  How could I have been so foolish, to consider this?  I was President Whitmore from Independence Day, when I should have been President Beck from Deep Impact....bringing the country together rather than blowing it all to smithereens.



Assad: I'm not following, sir.

Naso: I can't launch nuclear weapons on targets within these United States.  It would be like shooting my own mother in the foot, the mother who thought that George W. Bush was "hot".  This map has reminded me of that today.

Assad: What is it though?  What do you see in that map that I'm not getting?

Naso: It's the American people, Mike.  They've done it.  I don't know how, but they've done it.  Even the ones living in Islamist country.  This is their signal to me that they're still out there fighting for America, and I can't turn my backs on them by blowing so many of them up.

Assad: What?  What have the American people done?

Naso: They've voted themselves into the American flag.

[And Naso now shows the map to the entire room, and we, the audience, see the map for ourselves:]

TO BE CONTINUED….

[Mr. Morden]

In case anyone's still reading this…..an update on the question of how many episodes there are left before the end:

The nuclear attack has been called off, Nym's dead, and Winfield is in the custody of the Atlas moderators.  The "climax" of the story has now happened, as our characters are largely out of immediate danger.  We're past the climax, and now move on to the denouement.

I still need a few more episodes to wrap up the loose ends.  Is Dave OK?  Is Hog OK, or did the natural gas kill him?  Will Hog and Blondie now use the time machine to go back to 2013 as they wanted?  These are some of the questions to be answered in the last few episodes.

At one point I suggested that I could wrap up the story in ~40 episodes total.  Well, I just posted #37, so just a few more to go, but I don't think I'll be able to do it in three episodes.  Probably another four or so episodes to wrap everything up, and then one more after that to serve as a sort of epilogue.  That's just a guess though.  I won't know exactly where to put the episode breaks until I write them.  But it looks like, while Season 1 was 20 episodes, Season 2 will end up being about 22.

[True Federalist (진정한 연방 주의자)]

What I want to know in the follow up is whether Dave will unban user 706 and others who suffered from the whims of the ModAdmin.

[Mr. Morden]

The Adventures of Hobo Orgy Guy and Blondie (....in progress)

Episode 38 (2x18) "There Is No Such Thing As Luck"

Winfield's bunker, large storage bay interior

[Many of the moderators are here, milling around nervously, as Mr. Moderate, on the phone with a federal agent, negotiates the moderators' surrender to authorities.]

Mr. Moderate: Very well.....yes, of course we agree.

[Moderate hangs up the phone.]

Master Jedi: How did it go?

Mr. Moderate: Fine.  I mean, as fine as can be expected.  We're fugitives.  We don't have a whole lot of leverage here.

Winfield's robots are nearly all destroyed.  Now, he had some human loyalists in the city, but they've scattered to the wind, after the big firefight last night.  The city is largely pacified, and the military is moving in to take it over, including this fortress.  They should be here within the hour, and we've agreed to hand over command of this facility to them.

Beet's still holding all the prisoners we took yesterday, so we've got that.  We've agreed to turn over all of them to the feds.  We'll stay here and hold Winfield on mod review for the next five days, and then surrender him for trial.  We'll face charges for everything we've done as well, though they may go easy on us.....given that we helped to save this city from nuclear annihilation, and also delivered to them the mastermind of the insurgency.

And of course, we surrender the Atlas too.  With the federal government now able to use the demographic info in the Atlas, the hope is that they'll mop up the Islamic insurgency relatively quickly.  Assuming they can get Dave's help to interpret it.

How is Dave, by the way?

Master Jedi: He should recover.  That Irish Setter gave him some sort of drug that helped bring him back to (nearly) full health, which he claims will revitalize him, and allow him to remain young and live a long, full life.  Unfortunately, Bushie.....I mean....."Hog" was too far gone for that.

Winfield's bunker, infirmary

[In one bed, we see Hog, apparently close to death after his experience with the reactor core.  Blondie and Inks are by his bedside, while Seamus and Twister hang back in the back of the room.  In another bed, ignored by everyone at the moment, is the still-unconscious Bushie (the past version of Hog).]

Inks: (to Hog) I'm sorry Bushie......er, "Hog".  Sorry about how I spoke to you all those years ago on the forum.  I guess I didn't always treat you as well as I should have on Update.

But I was only trying to help you.

Also, regarding my brief tenure as your lawyer all those years ago....sorry that I wasn't able to get you back to the US.  If I had, then maybe you wouldn't be here now, dying.

Hog: (his voice weak) Don't worry about it Inks.  I know you did your best.

(turns to Blondie)  And I'm sorry to you J.J......Blondie.  I should have been a better pet owner all those years ago.

Blondie: Don't worry about it.

Hog: It's funny.  I'm moments away from being accepted into heaven, and all I can think of is my sweet Lupita, who I'll finally see there after all these years.  And our daughter.  I wish I'd had a chance to raise her.  It saddens me somewhat that the family line will end with me, and I'll never know the joy of being a father, but at least I'll get to see my daughter when I reach paradise.

At least....I think I will.  I don't actually know the Bible's stance on the souls of deceased infants who never get a chance to accept Jesus Christ as their savior.

But no one can blame me for my ignorance about that.  Everyone has to agree with the truth that it's not my fault.

[beat, as Blondie and Inks don't know how to respond to that]

Hog: Goodbye.  I know that God has been preparing me for this my whole life, as he knew all the hairs on my head before I was born.  My life was not a shambles, and it did deal me some blows...many of which I inflicted on myself.  But I have no reason to be ashamed.  And I'm glad that, in the end, I was able to prove myself as an Atlas moderator, and that I made a difference.

I did make a difference, and no one is allowed to say otherw--

[Hog's speech sputters to an end, as the life finally drains out of him.  The others in the room look on, stunned.  A tiny tear wells up in Blondie's eye.

But Blondie's gaze then moves over to Bushie's unconscious (but still breathing) body.]

Blondie: (to Seamus) So...Bushie here...he's now fated to go back in time, live several years as a hobo--as "Hog"--and then travel through time with me so that he can die here in this room, at this moment?

Seamus: Yes, he is.  But we'll sort that out soon.

Look, I'm sorry for your loss everyone, but based on the last status report from the moderators, it sounds like US authorities will be here shortly, and I'd prefer to be elsewhere when they arrive.  Blondie, shall we go?  After we get back to the Xerox lab, I can send you back to your own time, if that's what you still want.  I'll just call up Muon, and--

Twister: I'd like to go with you to that lab, if that's all right with you.  The authorities may also have some uncomfortable questions for me, which I'd prefer not to answer right now.

Seamus: I'm sorry, but we're going to the lab by using Muon's "spacetime device", and it tends to cause irreversible memory loss in humans.  It wouldn't be safe for you.

Twister: Yes it would.

Seamus: What?

Twister: Just trust me.  It's perfectly safe for me.

[Seamus stares at him in disbelief.]

Twister: I'll explain everything once we've jumped back to your lab, but we should get out of here quickly.  I'll take the risk.

Seamus: OK then.

[Seamus motions for Blondie and Twister to move over to the bed with Bushie.  He then sends a signal through his phone to Muon, and the four of them disappear in a flash, leaving Inks alone in the room with Hog's corpse.

But Inks is not alone for long.  A young female army private soon enters the room.]

Private: Hello?  Anyone in here?

[She sees Hog's corpse lying on a bed.]

Private: I figured.  (Her tone is disappointed.)  They said he'd be in here, and that he was so close to death that we might not make it in time.

Inks: I'm sorry, but who are you, and what's going on?

Private: This facility has been surrendered to the United States Army.  We're conducting a security sweep, but I had to stop off here myself.

Is it true?  Is that man--I mean, was that man BushOklahoma?  The Oklahoma fugitive who escaped to Kenya about 15 years ago?

[Inks looks back at Hog's body.]

Inks: Yeah, that's him.

Private: Well, I'm sorry that it had to end like this for him.  I know what he did was wrong, and I can't condone anyone breaking the law......but I always appreciated his missionary spirit.  Bringing Oklahoma values to the people of Kenya.

I'm originally Oklahoman myself, and I actually joined up with the army just last year, in the hopes that now-President Naso's Mars project would get off the ground (pardon the pun), and that I'd be able to go there some day.

I've actually learned a lot about Mars from CNN International, and I feel such a strong connection there, that I practically think of myself as an American-Martian.  I sure would love to do missionary work there some day.

Inks: Ummmm......

Private: What is it?

Inks: Eh, never mind.  I'm sure your parents are very proud.

Private: (sheepishly) Actually, I never knew my father.  I'm embarrassed to say that my mother was a hobo, and she conceived me about 20 years ago in an......in an orgy.  Conceived on Indepedence Day if you'd believe it, since they say my father had a fetish for doing it on July 4th.

My father was another hobo, and I never even learned his name.  I'm not proud of it, but God doesn't make mistakes.  He knew every hair on my head even before I was born.

In any case, I did manage to pull myself up by my bootstraps and make into the army, with hard work and determination.

[Inks looks back at Hog's corpse.]

Inks: Well, whoever your father was, and wherever he might be right now......I'm sure he'd be very proud of you.

[The Private also takes a good look at Hog's corpse.]

Private: We'd better do something about that body.  It's starting to remind me of when I leave the fruit out too long.

[Inks lights up at this comment, and begins to interrogate her.]

Inks: Ah, so you leave your fruit out to rot, huh?  How many fruits and vegetables do you eat each day?  How much exercise do you get?  What color is your urine?

Secret underground Xerox lab, interior

[Muon and PiT are present, and Muon has just pressed some buttons on a control panel responsible for activating the spacetime device.  Seamus, Blondie, Twister, and the unconscious Bushie now materialize in front of them.

Muon takes a look at Twister.]

Muon2: And who is this mystery man who insisted on taking a trip courtesy of the spacetime device, despite its effects on human memory?

Twister: I can assure you that my memory's fine, Muon.  But you might be better able to recognize me in my original form.

[Twister shapeshifts into the form of "The Professor", who we saw in Episode 30.

Muon gasps in reaction to the person he sees before him.]

Muon2: No, it can't be true, can it?

The Professor: It is true, Muon.  "Aizen" and "Twister" were always just alter egos--disguises that I invented to suit my agenda.

Seamus: I don't understand Muon.  How do you recognize this man?  Who is he?

The Professor: I suppose I should introduce myself.  I haven't actually shown many people this version of myself for quite a while, since I faked my death way back in the 80s.

I'm Muon's thesis advisor from his PhD work at Brandeis.....Professor Diktor.

[Everyone stares back at him in amazement.]

The Professor: Come on everyone, get your jaws up off the floor.  Staring like an idiot won't help you get girls.


TO BE CONTINUED….

[Mr. Morden]

The Adventures of Hobo Orgy Guy and Blondie (....in progress)

Episode 38 (2x18) "There Is No Such Thing As Luck"

...

Hog: Goodbye.  I know that God has been preparing me for this my whole life, as he knew all the hairs on my head before I was born.  My life was not a shambles, and it did deal me some blows...many of which I inflicted on myself.  But I have no reason to be ashamed.  And I'm glad that, in the end, I was able to prove myself as an Atlas moderator, and that I made a difference.

I did make a difference, and no one is allowed to say otherw--

[Hog's speech sputters to an end, as the life finally drains out of him.  The others in the room look on, stunned.  A tiny tear wells up in Blondie's eye.

But Blondie's gaze then moves over to Bushie's unconscious (but still breathing) body.]

Hog: (to Seamus) So...Bushie here...he's now fated to go back in time, live several years as a hobo--as "Hog"--and then travel through time with me so that he can die here in this room, at this moment?

Seamus: Yes, he is.  But we'll sort that out soon.

Look, I'm sorry for your loss everyone, but based on the last status report from the moderators, it sounds like US authorities will be here shortly, and I'd prefer to be elsewhere when they arrive.  Blondie, shall we go?  After we get back to the Xerox lab, I can send you back to your own time, if that's what you still want.  I'll just call up Muon, and--

I assume it should be Blondie to Seamus, not Hog to Seamus?

Oh yeah, sorry, that was a typo.  I've fixed it now.  Thanks.

[Mr. Morden]

The Adventures of Hobo Orgy Guy and Blondie (....in progress)

Episode 39 (2x19) "There Is No Such Thing as Chance"

Secret underground Xerox lab, interior

[Aizen, aka Twister, aka The Professor, has just revealed that "The Professor" is actually his original form, and that he is in fact Professor Diktor, the PhD thesis advisor of Muon, who was believed to have died in a lab accident back in the 1980s.]

The Professor: OK, I see that you're all very confused by this, so let me explain.

I was a physics professor at Brandeis University in the 20th century, working on time travel research.  While I still had a long way to go to make it all work, back in December of 1982, I was actually visited by intelligent dogs from the future.  They said that they were from the mid-21st century, and that they'd come back in time to visit me because they needed my help.  Normally, I would find this story far-fetched.  But they were dogs who could talk, so who was I to argue?

According to the dogs, the world was several decades away from conquest by a super-powered internet message board moderator, known as the Modadmin.  They informed me that at some point in the future, he would set up a new world order in which all existing systems of government had been done away with in favor of universal adherence to the Modadmin's internet message board's "terms of service".  Ordinary citizens were forced to adhere to these rules, both online and offline.  Dogs, who in the intervening years would largely gain a high degree of intelligence due to my invention of UGrow1000, were just as subject to these repressive rules as human beings.

Because after all.....



Blondie: And so they went back in time to meet you....why?  To tell you all of this?

The Professor: Not to be immodest, but I was the father of time travel.  I didn't have a working time machine yet.  That was still many years away.  But I had laid the foundation for it.  And while the dogs had access to time travel technology, they had no way to undo the hell they found themselves in, living under the iron grip of the Modadmin.  That's because, as I'm sure you've had explained to you several times by now, time travel in the real world works according to the "12 Monkeys" rules, in which the timeline is invariant.  The dogs did not possess the means to topple the Modadmin.  And even if they were to topple him, their ambitions were greater than that.  In the "present" of the dogs' timeline, the Modadmin had been responsible for widespread misery across the Earth for a generation, and they sought to erase his entire reign over the planet from the timeline.  But how to do that when the rules of time travel forbade it?

They believed, against all logic, that there must be a way, and that I, the father of time travel, might be able to devise a loophole, through which my time machine could be used to defeat the Modadmin.  That is why they sought me out.  And that is why I accepted the challenge.

I had no earthly idea how to help them, but I promised to try.  The first thing I requested was that they prove their story by transporting me to the era from which they came.  If time travel was to be the legacy of my life, then I wanted to experience it for myself.  I wanted to live that moment in Back to the Future, when Marty shows Doc the Flux Capacitor, and Doc falls to his knees in awe, exclaiming "I finally invented something that works."

Also, I had to teach a class in about an hour, and I was relieved to be able to use time travel to give myself more time to prepare my lesson plan.

The dogs transported me to the middle of the 21st century.  The precise year isn't important, because...let's not get hung up on continuity, OK?  The point is, they showed me the hellish reality of life under the boot of the Modadmin:

-Death points handed out for such nebulous offenses as "trolling" and "excessive hyperbole".
-Sock puppets being tortured for information leading to the capture of their sockmasters.
-Public executions for repeated use of copyrighted material.  And anyone who didn't like it was forced to make like a tree, and get out of here.

PiT (The Physicist) That's from "Back to the Future".

The Professor: See?  My quoting of that line could have gotten my head chopped off.

But that wasn't the worst of it.  No, the absolute worst thing about this world was how G-rated it had become.  Curse words such as [INKS], [INKS], and [INKS] your mother's [INKS] were censored, just as in the dystopian world depicted by "Demolition Man", and all explicit discussions or depictions of sexual content were forbidden.

With such material being banned, it was absolutely impossible for the modern young 21st century male to learn the necessary skills needed to get girls!  I found the situation to be quite disheartening.

So I had to do something to set things right.  But what?  I secluded myself in the dogs' time travel chamber, contemplating the situation.  The Modadmin was far too powerful to be challenged, and we could not use time travel to undo his rise to power.  That was absolutely impossible, because, as has been stressed again and again, the timeline cannot be changed.

Except....

Except....

Maybe there was a loophole.

I wasn't sure if this would work or not, but as I sat there, in that time chamber, I wondered to myself "Just what does it mean that the timeline cannot be changed?"  Every action I take, every decision, every day, impacts the timeline.  It's just that whatever I decide to do has always been, and will always be, part of the timeline.  But what does that really mean?

For example, suppose a man is eating breakfast, and is interrupted by a time-traveling friend who shows him a newspaper from next week, which features a horrific plane crash.  Now, one might think that this means that the passengers on that flight are doomed, because the timeline can't be changed.  Since the man has information that the crash occurred, it must be part of the timeline, and there's nothing to be done about it.  *However*, the man doesn't know who was on that plane, and he could still use any means at his disposal to insure that the plane is empty of passengers.

PiT (The Physicist) Isn't that the plot of "The Langoliers"?

[The Professor ignore the question.]

The Professor: Or suppose that the newspaper specifically states that the bodies of passengers have been identified via DNA matches, and that one of those killed was the man's wife?  Well, again, there would seem to be nothing that the man could do to save his wife...except that there's nothing to stop him from rescuing his wife first, and then tampering with the DNA evidence.  Or even bribing the newspaper reporter to plant false information in her story.

The point is, it's the information that one possesses that, in principle, restricts one's ability to use time travel to one's advantage.  You get information about the future, but if the news is bad, then you're seemingly stuck by the fact that history can't be changed.  Except, that information is always uncertain and subject to manipulation.  There's nothing to stop one from carefully manipulating events so as to fool one's past self into believing lies.

As I sat there, in that room, contemplating this fact, I thought to myself that all of the horrors that I had supposedly just seen, the terror being unleashed upon the Earth by the Modadmin, at that moment in time, I had no way of knowing that it wasn't all staged for my benefit, nor even that my own memory hadn't been tampered with.  I then set out to insure that that future that I thought had been inevitable would in fact never came to pass.

Blondie: And that doesn't count as "changing history"?

The Professor: No, because nothing was really "changed".  Whatever happened was always part of the timeline.  But I would selectively use information that I got from the future to manipulate the interpretation of that information.

I grabbed one of the wristband devices that I'd seen the dogs use to control their time jumps, and activated the time chamber, sending myself back to 1982, where I hatched my plan to fake my own death.

Sorry Muon, that I put you through all of that, but there was no other way.

[Mr. Morden]

The Professor: (continued) In setting up the "lab accident" that would supposedly kill me, I made sure to manipulate the time travel equations so that they would induce memory loss in humans.  I figured this would slow down the rest of humanity's attempts to catch up to me in time travel technology.  I didn't expect a working time machine to be built for some time, but I wanted to make sure I had a decent "head start".

I then used the time device I'd taken from the 21st century dogs to hopscotch around time, learning bits and pieces of information, but leaving myself enough in the dark to give myself to leeway to manipulate world events.  Compiling the necessary information while keeping myself just enough in the dark was a difficult task.  The secret bunker I used as my home base included so many connections between newspaper clippings that it looked like that nut's man cave from A Beautiful Mind:



Using shapeshifting technology that I stole from US Election Atlas troll Van Der Blubb, I created three separate Colorado-based alter egos: College student Aizen, Joe Republic nemesis Joe Democrat, and Japanese immigrant Mr. Twister, who managed to get a job as a federal agent, working at the NORAD bunker in Cheyenne Mountain.  As I used clues gleaned from electronic intercepts at NORAD, I ultimately came to the realization that the tyrannical Modadmin from the future was none other than the Atlas's Nym90.

I (as Aizen) registered on the Atlas forum in 2007, with my other alter egos to follow.

My goals were threefold:

1) To understand the inner workings of the Atlas forum, and the capabilities offered to its moderators through the moderation software.

2) To better understand the psychology of Nym90, the poster who would later be appointed to the position of Modadmin.

3) To insure that, in the event that my mission failed, and Nym came to power several decades hence, ushering in a sanitized, sexless society of extreme prudery under the Atlas forum Terms of Service, that the young posters on Atlas still had some basic skills necessary to "get girls", while still paying sufficient attention to academics.  A good college education is important for everyone, even in a post-apocalyptic society.

Here is a typical example of the advice I offered to the youths on the forum:

https://uselectionatlas.org/FORUM/index.php?topic=136402.msg2917746#msg2917746

You must be logged in to read this quote.

Even after on and off bannings from the forum, I followed the political situation there with great interest, particularly the expansion of Nym's moderation powers, and the eventual shutting down of Atlas.  The information I had gained from the future suggested that, even with the forum being shut down, Nym's powers, as well as those of his fellow moderators, would re-surface sooner or later...in the real world, and not on the forum.  Nym's powers in particular would grow beyond comprehension, and he would be free to sieze control of the planet, with the aide of his fellow moderators.

Under the guise of one of my alter egos, Mr. Twister, I was stationed at Cheyenne Mountain at the time of the Islamist takeover of the western United States.  When the forum was shut down, I managed to get my hands on the last remaining copy of the US Election Atlas website.  I studied the code in great detail, in order to better understand Nym's powers.  But it appeared that the code itself could not be used to nullify his powers, as far as I could tell.

So instead, I executed an elaborate plan to enrage Nym, to use his emotional outburst in order to bring out the powers of both him and his fellow moderators.  It was to this end that I created a window through time centered on an artificially created tornado, which I used to bring Hog and Blondie forward through time from 2013 to the present, setting up a situation in which, on an attempt to rescue Blondie from his captors in Arkansas City, Nym would erupt in fury, and unlock his powers.

Blondie: Wait.....WHAT?!?  Are you saying that you were the one responsible for the tornado that brought us here, to this time?

The Professor: Of course.  I mean my name was "Mr. Twister".  How much more obvious could I have made it?

And it wasn't just the two of you, but RickRoll too.  For him, it was a bit different.  I provided a means for him to remain in deep sleep for all those years.  But for you and Hog, I tried out an experimental time vortex that I'd been working on.  I didn't think that it would attract much attention, but I guess the tornado was spotted on the NSAbook weather app that Bushie was using, which attracted his attention, and allowed him to recognize it as a time vortex.  That was fine though, as he played right into my plan, guiding you to the Atlas moderators, where you ran into Yougo1000, who I paid off to have you kidnapped, to precipitate the crisis.

[Blondie gives him a dirty look.]

The Professor: I'm sorry, my friend.  But it was the only way for me to ensure an Nym-free future.  Yes, I accept responsibility for the deaths this led to, including that of RickRoll.  But I got the moderators to re-acquire their powers earlier than they otherwise would have, and was able to set up dissension in the moderator ranks.  I knew that Nym would be vulnerable to an onslaught from another moderator in a surprise attack.  So when I was in Inks's custody last night, I played into his fears about Nym's emotional instability and ruthlessness, and convinced him to take out Nym.  It all went according to plan.

Blondie: But...RickRoll's dead.  Hog is dead.  There must have been some other way.

The Professor: I didn't know that Hog was going to die.  But tough choices had to be made.  I could not allow Nym to rule the world, and create a dystopia in which young men have no idea how to get girls.

[Blondie turns to face Muon.]

Blondie: Do you believe anything he's saying?  About how the timeline can be manipulated like that?

[Muon doesn't answer, but glares over in Seamus's direction.  Seamus sighs]

Seamus: What he describes is possible.

Blondie: And why are you so sure of that?

Seamus: Because I used the same trick myself.  Years ago, right after Muon delivered a working time machine...I misused it greatly.

Blondie: What do you mean?  Misused it how?

[Mr. Morden]

Seamus: In a similar manner to what the Professor here has described.  Except that my motivations were more selfish.  There was one thing about the world I lived in that I couldn't abide, and so I used the time machine to "change" it.  Again, just as he explained, the timeline never really changed.  I simply manipulated the information I had in order to trick my past self.  To insure that the future turned out the way that I wanted, rather than--

Blondie: Rather than?

Seamus: It's not important.  In any case, I'm not going to do it again.  The consequences....well, I'm not going to do it again.

[Seamus turns to Prof. Diktor.]

Seamus: So, what now for you professor?  You're not going to return to the 1980s, are you?

The Professor: No, I've already lived a good deal of my life in the 21st century.  After decades spent working to save the future, I think I'm going to enjoy the future.  I'll head to the 2040s, and check to make sure that everything turned out OK.  I also need to now set up the illusion of a dystopia for my past self, and get those dogs to go visit me in 1982, so that I can start on this journey in the first place.

I'll probably retire in the 2040s, after I get there, assuming that by that time this country will have been rebuilt from the mess we just saved it from.

PiT (The Physicist) Rebuilt?  You do realize that Mike Naso is president?  Just what progress do you expect to be made?

The Professor: I don't know.  But at least there should be some good Cheers reruns on TV--or whatever contraption they use in the future.

[Prof. Diktor turns to face Muon.]

The Professor: Muon, you were a good student.  I'm proud of what you accomplished, and I'm sorry that I wasn't there to participate in your thesis defense.  I did read your thesis though, and was highly impressed.  Don't know how your personal life turned out, but I can only pray that you managed to figure out how to get girls without me.

Later.

[The Professor then tosses what looks like a thumb drive over to PiT, then presses a button on his watch, which causes him to vanish...presumably transporting himself to the future.]

Seamus: Well, that was....something, I guess.  Wasn't it?

But now what about you, Blondie?  You've also got to make a big decision about your own future.

Blondie: I have made a big decision.  I've decided that the next thing I'm going to do is...take a nap.

PiT (The Physicist) You're not going all Bushie on us now, are you?

Blondie: I don't think so.  It's just that...I'm just a puppy, and I've been up all night trying to save the world.  So time for some sleep.  We'll talk about my future when I wake up.

Anyway, while I'm asleep, maybe you can figure out what's going on over at Winfield's bunker.  What are they going to do to Winfield, anyway?

Winfield's bunker, hallway leading towards holding cell

[Bacon King and Inks are escorting a handcuffed Winfield to a holding cell in the bunker.  Winfield has a blank expression on his face, and Inks is trying to talk to him, to get him to understand what's going on.]

Inks: You'll be held here for five days on mod review.  After that...you're the federal government's problem.

[They reach the cell.  Inks opens the cell door while Bacon King removes the handcuffs.  Bacon King pushes Winfield into the cell, and they close the door and lock it.  Winfield sits on a bench in the cell, staring off into space.]

Inks: Do you understand me, Winfield?  They're going to try you, and presumably execute you as punishment for everything that you've done.  Do you understand what's going on here, or have you gone completely loopy?

Bacon King: Let him be, Inks.  He's out of it.  Nothing you can say that would bring him back to reality.

[Inks then tosses Winfield a blanket, in case he finds it cold.

Bacon King and Inks walk away.  Winfield is left to his own thoughts.]

Winfield's thoughts: (told in voiceover....in the voice of Winfield doing an impression of Mitt Romney) My fellow Americans...it's sad....when a president has to speak the words that condemn his own staunchest supporter.  But I couldn't allow them to believe that I would commit murder. They'll put him away now, as I should have years ago. He was always bad, and in the end he intended to tell them that I was the one behind the Islamo-fascist threat to the United States....as if I could do anything but just sit and stare, signing laws that produce a balanced budget, tax relief for productive Americans, the doubling of Guantanamo, the restoration of America's standing in the world, and restoration of the original definition of marriage as a union between one man and one woman.  To imagine that I could act in a way detrimental to the interests of the United States is kind of a non sequitur, if you will. And what I mean by that — or a null set.

They know I can't move a finger, and I won't. I'll just sit here and be quiet, just in case they do... suspect me. They're probably watching me. Well, let them. Let them see what kind of a person I am.

[Winfield notices a fly crawling on his hand.]

Winfield's thoughts: (told in voiceover....in the voice of Winfield doing an impression of Mitt Romney) I'm not even going to swat that fly. I hope they are watching... they'll see. They'll see and they'll know, and they'll say, "Why, he wouldn't even harm a fly..."


TO BE CONTINUED….

[Mr. Morden]

OK, I thought I might need two more episodes to finish the "main narrative" of the series, but I've got it down to one.  It wraps up Blondie's arc, and completes the narrative of the story.  But then I'm also writing a bonus episode, which is a sort of epilogue for Seamus.  (Well, not really an epilogue as such, because it's really a flashback for his character, which gives you more insight into his past.)

I think I'll wait until I'm done writing that, and post them both at once, presumably tomorrow ("tomorrow" for me might be "tonight" for you guys in the US).

And once I've posted those two episodes, that'll be the end of "The Adventures of Hobo Orgy Guy and Blondie".

[Mr. Morden]

The Adventures of Hobo Orgy Guy and Blondie (....in progress)

Episode 40 (2x20) "There Is No Such Thing As Karma"

Secret underground Xerox lab, interior

[Blondie has just woken up from his nap, and is eating a meal of dog food with Seamus.]

Blondie: Any word from the moderators on what's going to happen with them?

Seamus: Muon intercepted some of their communications.  It sounds like they'll stand trial for their actions, but they'll most likely receive mercy because of what they did to stop the nuclear strike and their apprehending of Winfield.

Dave Leip is recovering from his injuries, and he'll be put in charge of a special unit being set up to use the Atlas's demographic information to defeat the Islamist insurgency.  Alcon is returning from self-imposed exile in Canada to help him out with that.  But unlikely that any of the other moderators will ever be allowed to use the Atlas's software again.

Blondie: And what about you?  If the Islamist insurgency is going to be winding down now, will it be safe for you to come out into the open with Muon's time machine?

Seamus: Mike Naso is still president of the United States, and I don't think we can trust him alone to use this technology responsibly.  I'd still like to get this up to Canada to turn it over to an international group of scientists.  Now that the political situation here is in flux and Winfield is no longer out there looking for us, I think we can manage that.

And you?  Would you like to come with us?  I'm old.  The UGrow has extended my life a great deal, but I won't be around forever.  As long as the time machine continues to cause memory problems for humans, the scientists will need the assistance of dogs to study the technology, and you're in much better shape for that than I am.

Blondie: Thanks for the offer.  But....

RickRoll died trying to save me.  Hog died saving Salt Lake City, including me.  I've also now seen this future in which countless people and dogs ended up dying because of some kind of terrorist uprising that could have been prevented.

I think the only thing for me to do is to go back in time--to go back to 2013 where I belong--and to try to prevent this future from ever happening.

Seamus: After everything we've been saying about how the timeline can't be changed, you think that's going to work?

Blondie: But you were just talking to the Professor about how you can manipulate the timeline by tricking your past self about the information you have.

Seamus: Yes.  I said that, and I also said that when I did that myself, the consequences were...unfortunate.  I'm not going to do that again.

Bushie is still unconscious, but Muon has been giving him medical care.  He should recover from his injuries, and I'm going to take him back to 2008, where I'll revive him, and he'll become a hobo and live out his life as "Hog".  I'm not going to try to interfere with that part of the timeline, and won't allow you to stop me.  Bushie's destiny as Hog will happen one way or the other, so I'm going to see that it happens on my terms, and doesn't have any other negative consequences.

But as for you...if you're determined to go back to 2013, despite the fact that history records you as being "missing" from the day that tornado swept you away, then I'll take you there.  You're welcome to try to change history, but I can assure you that whatever you have in mind won't work.

Blondie: I was thinking about that.  Hog told me that the moderators told him back at the Mars Bar that the revelation of my disappearance, made when Bushie was in the middle of his highly public extradition hearing, turned the American people against him, and distracted them from fighting the Islamic extremists.  Now, if I go back to 2013 and never end up disappearing in the first place, then maybe everything would be different.  The insurgency might be strangled in the crib, and none of the awfulness of the last 15 years would have happened.

Seamus: It won't work.  History records that you went missing, and you're not going to be able to change that.  But like I said, if you're determined to try, I won't stop you.  Feel free to head to the spacetime chamber and ask Muon to prepare to send us back.  We'll drop Bushie off in 2008 first, and then I'll take you to 2013, before coming back here.  I'll join you there in a few minutes.

[Blondie, who's now finished his meal, exits the room, just as PiT enters to talk to Seamus.]

Seamus: So I take it you checked to see what was on that thumb drive that Professor Diktor left for us?

PiT (The Physicist) Of course.

Seamus: And?

PiT (The Physicist) Instructions that you're supposed to give to my past self, on how to get RickRoll to hibernate until 2029.  It includes a message from the Professor apologizing for the fact that he's too lazy to do it himself, and is just eager to enjoy his retirement.

Seamus: What?  If I give those instructions to the you of 2013, then why don't you already remember...?

[And we flash back to Episode 21...]

PiT (The Physicist) No.  He's not even there right now.  He's in Kenya.  His parents are still in town, but you shouldn't say hello to them either.

You should just sit under their oak tree, and go to sleep.  The pill will keep you in hibernation for the next 16 years.

[RickRoll stares at the pill.]

RickRoll: Right, that's the bit I'm worried about.  You said you cooked up this pill based on instructions you got from your boss in the future?

PiT (The Physicist) Well, sort of.  The "Irishman", as we call him--he's not exactly my boss.  I'm just a summer student, working for a physicist named Muon2.  But you could say that the Irishman is sort of our benefactor.  Anyway, neither of them even knows that I'm here, doing this.

RickRoll: Because the future version of this Irishman told you not to say anything to his present version?

PiT (The Physicist) Exactly.  He told me that there was a tornado that ripped through here yesterday, and that it sent a hobo and a talking dog into the future, to the year 2029.  He then told me that this hobo and talking dog were going to need your help in the future, so he gave me instructions for how to make this pill, and told me to arrange for you to use it to hibernate until then, so that you could then wake up in 16 years, and help them out.

He was right about that tornado.  Predicted that, even when the forecasters were doubting, so I'm going to trust him on everything else.

[And we're now back in 2029:]

Seamus: You do remember?

PiT (The Physicist) Of course.  But I couldn't have told you anything about it for all these years, because you weren't meant to know yet.  There was no reason to tell you until now.

[PiT holds the thumb drive out to Seamus and Seamus takes it.]

PiT (The Physicist) I guess you'll take care of this after you drop off Blondie?

Seamus: I suppose I will.

June 2013, a hilltop overlooking the Bushie family abode.

[Blondie and Seamus appear in a flash on the hill, being transported there from just having dropped Bushie/Hog off in 2008.  Seamus points down to the Bushie family mobile home below.]

Seamus: There you go.  If you want to return to the Bushie family, it's right down there.

Blondie: So this is the morning after the tornado whisked away Hog and myself?

Seamus: Yep.  June 24, 2013.  I assume that by this time, Papa Bushie is heading off to work.  I'm guessing Mama Bushie is at home, though you'd know her schedule better than I would.

Blondie: And Bushie himself is in Kenya...not likely to come back any time soon.

Seamus: That's right.  The gay marriage decision from the Supreme Court should still be handed down, and that'll keep him over there for the foreseeable future.  You're stuck here with just Mama and Papa.

Blondie: That's OK.  I understand.  As long as I stay here with them, there's at least a chance that Update readers won't get mad at Bushie for mistreating me, and for causing me to run away or die or whatever they think happened to me.  Which means there's a chance that America will not get distracted by their hate of Bushie, and focus on the Islamist takeover.

But you don't think that'll work?

Seamus: No, absolutely not.  The historical record says that you went missing this week, and you can't change that, no matter what you do.

But I guess you'll find out one way or the other…probably.

[Mr. Morden]

Blondie: Probably?

Seamus: You remember what I said yesterday...er...what I said 16 years from now?  It's the UGrow that has made you smart, just like it made me smart.  But you need to replenish your intake of it, or your intelligence will eventually degrade back to normal dog level.

I don't know when that'll happen.  Days...weeks...months?  No way to know for sure.  But when it happens, it'll be done before you even realize what's going on.

Blondie: I understand.  And that's fine.  If I was meant to be the Bushie family dog, then I guess I was meant to have the mind of a dog.  No use fighting it.

It doesn't matter to me what you say about the timeline being unchangeable...I have to give it a try.  I owe it to everyone who died to give it a try.

Especially Hog/Bushie.  I know he said he was happy to sacrifice his life like that, to make a difference in the world, but he deserved a better life than he got.  Or at least to have children who would grow up to have a better life than what he got.  I know he was torn up about the fact that his daughter in Kenya died at birth, and he never got to have any other offspring.

Seamus: Listen, here's what I'll do.

[Seamus pulls out a piece of paper with some coordinates on it, and tucks it into Blondie's collar.]

Seamus: The other night at Winfield's bunker, I saw how good of a digger you are.  Here are the coordinates of a safe I'm going to bury in Utah, just outside the property line of the secret Xerox lab.  If, at any point before the UGrow wears off, you change your mind about wanting to stay here, go to these coordinates, and bury a message for me.  When I find it in the future, I'll go back in time and pick you up.

Blondie: I'm just a dog, and I'm in Oklahoma.  Without Hog to drive me, how in the world would I ever get to Utah?

Seamus: You're smart.  You'll figure it out.

Blondie: I appreciate it.  But I don't think I'll be changing my mind.

Seamus: If you say so.

In any event, I guess I should be leaving now.

Blondie: Wait, I have one more question for you.

Seamus: Yes?

Blondie: When Professor Diktor explained how he manipulated the timeline in order to prevent Nym from taking over the world, you said that you'd also manipulated the timeline, but for selfish purposes, and the consequences were catastrophic.

Seamus: "Catastrophic"?  I thought I just said "unfortunate".

Blondie: Well, what was it?  How did you manipulate the timeline?  What did you do?

[Seamus simply smiles.]

Seamus: Goodbye Blondie.

[Seamus reaches for a button on his own collar, and then disappears in a flash, presumably returning to the future.  Blondie then turns around, and makes his way down the hill, to the Bushie family mobile home.

When he arrives at said mobile home, he sees a few pieces of plywood that had been ripped off of his doghouse when it was swept up in the tornado.  It's morning, and he sees Papa Bushie walk straight past him, as Papa gets in the car, and heads off for work, never giving Blondie a glance, or noticing that he was there.

A few minutes later, Blondie sees Mama Bushie come outside to hang some laundry on the clothesline, before heading back inside.  Despite his barks for her attention, she completely ignores him.

With Mama Bushie back inside, Blondie goes up to the front door, and barks to be let in, or at least get some acknowledgement of his existence.  But no such luck.  He waits there for a good 30 minutes in the summer heat, barking every once in a while.  But Mama Bushie never once comes to the door.  She shows no sign of even noticing that Blondie's dog house has been destroyed, or that he's been missing since the tornado yesterday.]

Blondie: (speaking to no one in particular) Screw it.  I'm not going to be a pet for these people if they don't want me.  If they're not even going to acknowledge that I exist, then it's not worth it.  Saving the future isn't worth this.

[So Blondie unhooks his ID tag from his collar, and throws it on the ground.  He doesn't want to be associated with the Bushie family anymore.  He then starts the long hike towards Utah, so he can leave a message for Seamus to pick him up.  He has no idea how he's going to travel 1000 miles as a puppy, on foot.  But....every journey begins with a single step, no?  He walks down the road leading away from the Bushie family mobile home, then sees a car on the road headed right for him.  He jumps off the road to get out of its way, and curses at the driver's recklessness for nearly running him over.

The camera now pans back to the Bushie mobile home, which is apparently the car's destination.  It pulls up, and we see an Obnoxious-looking young man and Obnoxious-looking young woman get out of it, and walk up to the front door of said mobile home.  They knock.

Mama Bushie opens the door, and begins speaking with the Obnoxious-looking young man and woman, but we've pulled back enough from their conversation that we can't hear what they're saying.  We can only see that the young man and young woman are very animated, and appear to be quite pissed off about something.

We now cut back to Blondie, who's back on the road, continuing to walk towards Utah.  We hear what sounds like a very fast-moving car, and it appears that it's coming from behind Blondie.  He turns around to see the same car from before coming towards him at high speed, and he freezes in terror.

The car, which was going way too fast, screeches to a halt just inches before it would have run Blondie over.

The Obnoxious-looking young man and Obnoxious-looking young woman get out of the car to take a look at the dog that they almost hit.  The man picks up Blondie and holds him in his arms to inspect him to see if there are any injuries.  As he does so, he brushes up against Blondie's collar, and the piece of paper with the Utah coordinates falls out of it, with the wind blowing it away.  Blondie knows that that piece of paper is important because....he can't quite think of the reason, but he knows that he wasn't supposed to lose it.

So he tries to tell them that he needs to get that paper back, but when he speaks, all that comes out of his mouth is a bark.  It's strange.  He's just a dog, so talking should of course be impossible for him, but he now has some faint memory of being able to talk at some point in the recent past.]

Obnoxious-looking young woman: Looks like she's OK.  I don't see any marks, so you must have stopped the car just in time.

[Blondie then thought to himself (or was it herself?)....."she"?  Did she just say "SHE", in referring to him (I mean her)?  He/she then looks down at his/her genitalia and notices the lack of a penis.  "Hmmm" Blondie thinks to himself/herself.  "I guess I've actually been female all this time, and hadn't noticed.  Bushie and his parents always referred to me as male, so I just went with it.  I guess this explains why I squat when I pee."]

Obnoxious-looking young man: shes got no nametag.  what kind of fool owner wouldn't give a dog a nametag?  what do we do with her?

Obnoxious-looking young woman: I don't know.  To be honest, I'm kind of fed up that we even have to deal with this.  We drove all the way here to surprise Bushie, only to find out that he's away in Kenya this week?  Quite the wasted trip.

Obnoxious-looking young man: bushie is a sexxy man but sometimes dum

Obnoxious-looking young woman: Can't believe he did this to us.  I bet he only did it because of all the right-wing hacks on Atlas.  I'm pretty pissed off right now, so excuse me for not thinking straight.

Obnoxious-looking young man: maybee we take the dog back to utah with us?

[At that, Blondie got excited.  He....I mean she, knew that she wanted to get to Utah because....she actually couldn't remember why anymore.  She knew she wanted to go there, and it seemed important, but why would a dog know anything about US states?  Her mind was filled with some kind of adventure having to do with space bikers and trolls and nuclear weapons, but it was all fading from her memory rather fast.  There's no reason why a dog would have been able to get mixed up in such business.  Surely any such adventure that she thought she had was actually just a dream?]

Obnoxious-looking young woman: Take her with us?  Actually...that's not a bad idea.  Bushie told us that he recently found a dog around here that had no tags, so he adopted it, without spending any time looking for the owner.  That must just be the way they do things in this neigborhood.

I wonder if that dog is related to this one?  Can't be the same one, since Bushie's dog is male.

She is cute.  We'll adopt her, and raise her as our own, and never ever tell anyone about how we found her.  No matter what crazy stuff happens in the world, promise that you won't reveal the fact that we took this dog here today, to raise her as our own pet.

Obnoxious-looking young man: ok

Obnoxious-looking young woman: So, what should we call her?

Obnoxious-looking young man: hmmmm....

i think we should name her "PLEASE DELETE MY ACCOUNT!!!".

Obnoxious-looking young woman: Ha!  Good one, Jamespol.


THE END (or is it?)

[Mr. Morden]

The Adventures of Hobo Orgy Guy and Blondie (....in progress)

Bonus Episode: Epilogue: "Scientific Facts are Not Hard and Fast Rules"

Hospital, interior

[We open inside a hospital.  The exact time and place is unclear, but it appears to be somewhere in the Western world in the latter half of the 20th century.  An African man is sitting on a chair in some kind of waiting area, with his head in his hands, and a look of despair and grief.  We pan out, and see that two chairs over from him is Seamus...who looks older than he did in the 1980s flashbacks we had, but younger than when we saw him in 2029.]

Seamus: It can't be that bad.

[The African man looks over at Seamus, and is a bit startled.]

Seamus: Yes, I know.  You're surprised because I'm a talking dog.

African man: No, that's not it.  I just didn't see you come in.

Seamus: You're not surprised to be conversing with a talking dog?

African man: I'm pretty high right now, so nothing would surprise me.

Seamus: I see.  Well, what's troubling you?

African man: My son.  He died in childbirth just about an hour ago.  It was terrible.  Some complications from the birth....my wife is OK, but my son didn't make it.

Seamus: I'm very sorry to hear that.  You look pretty young.  Have you been married very long?

African man: Oh no.  Only since we found out about the pregnancy.  Her father probably would have killed me if we didn't tie the knot.  I was just relieved that we even could get married, since I guess it isn't legal in every state in this country.

Seamus: You mean?

African man: Yeah, I'm Kenyan, but my wife is a white American.

Seamus: Really?  And you wanted to have this baby?  A baby who would grow up in a world that doesn't accept him as either black or white?

African man: Of course we wanted him.  The pregnancy was an accident, but I was ready to love him nonetheless.  And any son of mine could have faced down any prejudice he encountered.  If he'd lived, he would have been able to be whoever he wanted.

Seamus: I see.

Well, once again, I'm sorry for your loss.  But if you're still interested in having a baby, I have one right here, who you could adopt.

[We pan out a bit farther, and see that there's a baby basket under the chair next to Seamus, which he pulls out now.  From the basket, he removes what looks like a newborn biracial baby, which he hands to the African man.  The African man looks down at the baby with great interest.]

African man: What is this?  Who is this?

Seamus: Just like the baby you lost, he's half Kenyan and half white American, but he's from the future.  His mother died in childbirth, and his father....well, his father was never really fit to be a single father.  He had a lot of growing up to do.  And he hadn't exactly shown himself to be a model guardian of helpless creatures, considering how he used to keep his dog outside in horrific summer heat.  Mistreatment of animals is an issue that I'm particularly sensitive to, as you might imagine.  Plus, he couldn't even cook spaghetti properly, or walk for more than a few minutes a day.

So with the mother having passed away, I bribed the Kenyan doctors to tell the father that his daughter didn't make it either.

African man: His daughter?  I thought you said this was a boy?

Seamus: Oh, it's a boy.  But the father was too embarrassed to investigate the genitalia on the ultrasound images, so he still thinks it was a girl.

African man: And what did you just say about him being from the future?

Seamus: Don't worry about that.  It's not important.  Just think of me as your time-traveling fairy godfather, skipping through time to fix your problems for you, replacing one dead kid with a live one.

Maybe it's not quite the same as having your own biological son, but I trust you'll give him a good home?

African man: He is a beautiful boy, and he might be just what we need right now, after this traumatic experience.  I'll talk to my wife about it.

Seamus: Sounds good.

Oh, and if you do decide to keep him, I would suggest bribing the doctors, and feeding a false birth announcement to the newspaper.  Just put a story in the Honolulu Advertiser saying that this is your biological son, who was born today at this hospital.  It'll be easier if he gets American citizenship at birth, rather than going through any kind of naturalization process that he'd need if they found out about his true birthplace in Kenya.

2002, Illinois state capitol building

[We are back at the moment of the flashback from Episode 25, when Illinois state Sen. Barack Obama was talking to Muon2 in the hallways of the state capitol building.  But we now pick up from when they parted ways, as we follow Obama back to his office.]

Obama's state Senate office, interior

[Obama walks in, to find Seamus sitting at his desk.]

Seamus: Hello, Senator.

Obama: What in the...?

Seamus: Yes, yes.  I'm a dog and I can talk.  I hate having to go through this part every time I meet someone.

Now, let's get down to business.

Obama: Business?

Seamus: Yes.  Look Senator, I've been watching you your whole life.  I've jumped through time here and there to check up on you, looking to see what became of you after that fateful day in Hawaii.

Obama: Fateful day?

Seamus: Not important.

The important thing is that I've been watching you, and I think you have great potential.  My information says that Peter Fitzgerald will announce his retirement next year, and so you'll have an open US Senate seat in '04.  If you were to run for that seat, then I can arrange for any and all of your opponents to be taken down by scandal or controversy.  I've got some good ones cooked up, which I should be able to pull off.  You'll be able to run up a big margin of victory.

Obama: Aaaaaand why would you do that for me?

Seamus: Because Senator, there once was a man of great wealth who mistreated his dog...a dog who just wanted to be a part of his family.  He subjected the dog to experimental drugs, and strapped him onto the roof of his car.  That demonstrates a kind of cruelty and callousness which should never be allowed to reach the pinnacle of power in this world.  If I don't use someone like yourself to stop him, then he's going to reach that pinnacle.  I've worked hard to set up the timeline so that you're here, at this moment, in just the right position for everything to fall into place.

So I need you to play ball with me.  I'll work behind the scenes to help you win that Senate seat, and then we can go from there.  But you'll have to keep any contact with me a secret, as I'm putting myself in danger by even being here in this country.

Obama: I see.

Seamus: But before we go any farther, I need to understand whether your ambition measures up to what I have in mind for you.  So I'd like to ask you one question.

Obama: And uhhhhh......what would that be?

Seamus: Have you ever thought about running for president?


THE END (for real this time)



[And we cut to the end credits.  As the end credit sequence begins, we hear the "Chariots of Fire" song "Race to the End":

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8SAjpbasE8

And as the music plays, we pan across a montage of Dave Leip's election maps.  Superimposed over those election maps, we see sketches of the various characters from our story (Hog/Bushie, RickRoll, Dave, Nym, Inks, Winfield, etc.) in the style of the end credits sequence from "Return of the King":

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZagR90a8j2g

And then as "Race to the End" finishes, we switch to the next song of the closing credits, which is a reprise of Ed Helms as Bushie singing "sit here and cry" from Episode 7:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Ks_wf1O0mA

And then finally, the closing section of the credits are played while we see RickRoll, in the Mars Bar, singing "Mars":

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=833X4reI96k

And that's the end.]

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

And that's the end.]

NO!

[Oak Hills]

How far ahead did you plan the plot of this, Morden?

[Mr. Morden]

How far ahead did you plan the plot of this, Morden?

I was flying blind when I started writing Episode 1.  I had some vague ideas, but they were in flux.  But I quickly started narrowing in on what the overall plot arc would be, and came up with the arc as I was writing Episodes 1-5.  By Episode 5, I was pretty much locked in to the final story, at least in broad strokes.  That was when "The Irishman" was first mentioned, and I knew at that point that the Irishman was Seamus, and what role he'd play in the story when I dropped that in.  That's also the episode with Naso's inaugural address, which is also seeding some future plot developments.

There were definitely ideas that got developed later, or things that I dropped.  For example, early on I thought that I'd have Fredward still be alive, and controlled by Winfield.  But the Fredward character seemed unnecessary, so I dropped that.  I also didn't know right off the bat that I was going to make Mr. Twister / Aizen / The Professor turn out to be Prof. Diktor.  Initially, he was just someone who would help Hog and Blondie escape from the trolls, and get to SLC, and I was hazy on his role after that, but having him be Muon's long lost thesis advisor who was trying to prevent an Nym world takeover just fit so perfectly.

I also initially underestimated how much of the story would be taken up in SLC.  I knew some of the basic plot points that had to happen there, but hadn't thought through just how long it would have to be.  As Season 1 was winding down, I started to realize just how big the SLC portion of the story would be, and in the break between Season 1 and Season 2, I wrote an outline of Season 2 that gave a ~1 sentence summary of every single scene that would happen in Season 2.  That was necessary, because there were so many interlocking subplots that had to fit together in just the right sequence.  So from that point on, there wasn't much room to manuever from what I'd set in motion.  Episode 25, which was the mega-exposition episode, also required me to write out a very detailed outline in advance in order to make everything fit, and I also did that during the break between Season 1 and 2.

There are a few Easter eggs in Season 1 that hint at plot points down the road, and show the extent to which I was thinking ahead.  One that I remember is Yougo's timeline from Episode 7:

Yougo1000: 1799 John Adams goes for a hike in the woods and gets lost.  Thomas Jefferson becomes president.
.
.
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1800 Jefferson makes peace with 25 countries, and the people like him.  He wins election with VP Aaron Burr.
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1801 Jefferson supports education bill that Aaron Burr doesn't like.  They have a duel and shoot each other and Aaron Burr is dead.
.
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1802 House Speaker Macon invites President Jefferson to give a speech in Congress.  Everyone claps, but then Jefferson trips on his way out and hits his head and dies.  Everyone's mad at Macon for making Congress unsafe.
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1803 John Adams comes back from his walk in the woods, and everyone wants him to be president again.  But Russia doesn't like him, so they fire nukes, and the world blows up.

John Adams is Dave Leip.  He "goes for a walk in the woods" and disappears, with Thomas Jefferson (Nym) taking over.  He then kills his #2 man, Aaron Burr (Ernest...OK, that one is kind of odd, since Ernest is a "True Federalist") in a duel.  The next guy in line is House Speaker Macon (Inks), who is responsible for the death of Jefferson/Nym, for which people get mad at him.  Adams / Dave "comes back from his walk" and "everyone wants him to be president again".  Meanwhile, "Russia [fires] nukes, and the world blows up."  Though in our story, the US government is about to launch nukes, but backs out at the last minute.

[Mr. Morden]

One final comment here (unless anyone else has any questions): If you go back through my posting history, you'll see that I made a post way back in 2012, in which I talk about Seamus Romney (and his grudge against Mitt), Dave Leip, Bushie, and birtherism via the Bushie to Kenya--Obama from Kenya connection:

https://uselectionatlas.org/FORUM/index.php?topic=127584.0

That was the inspiration for the "birther" epilogue to this story, not to mention the inspiration for Seamus being in this story in the first place.  That is, when I started writing "HOG & Blondie", I remembered that post that I'd written about Seamus, and it gave me some ideas for this story.

[Chancellor Tanterterg]

This is amazing!

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Bumping this masterpiece for our junior members to read and learn.