Barks Obama: A PAWth to the Presidency

[badgate]

January 29, 2016


Introducing Barks Obama
"Good morning, my fellow Americans. I'd like to introduce you to our 3rd dog, Barks Obama. I have just signed an executive order to rewrite the Constitution, allowing for Barks to run for President somewhere down the road. Barks is a close ally of mine and will carry on the Progressive policies that my administration has forced the nation to live by since 2014. Barks, do you have anything to say?"

"Woof!"














--Four Years Later--





We are coming to you with breaking news. A dog named Barks Obama has defeated incumbent President Hillary Clinton in the Iowa primary. No, really. We go now live to Davenport, where the "Barks For America" campaign headquarters are located. Obama is expected to give a speech very soon.



Good evening! My fellow Americans, we stand at a critical juncture in our future. The future of this party, and this country going forward lies in your hands and paws. I invite President Clinton to immediately step aside and allow us to move forward to the great big dog house of our future.

[badgate]

Head-to-Heads
Barks Obama - 39%
Scott Walker - 41%
Undecided - 20%

Barks Obama - 33%
Susana Martinez - 45%
Undecided - 32%

Barks Obama - 50%
Rand Paul - 36%
Undecided - 14%

Barks Obama - 49%
Sarah Palin - 21%
Undecided - 30%

Hillary Clinton - 44%
Scott Walker - 30%
Undecided - 36%

Hillary Clinton - 41%
Susana Martinez - 39%
Undecided - 20%

Hillary Clinton - 48%
Rand Paul - 42%
Undecided - 10%

Hillary Clinton - 43%
Sarah Palin - 49%
Undecided - 8%






Meanwhile, on the other side...
Iowa
Hank Romney - 31%
Scott Walker - 28%
Rand Paul - 19%
Sarah Palin - 12%
Susana Martinez - 10%


We go now live to Romney HQ...







Thank you Iowa!! Tonight you sent the Republican establishment and Wall Street's Scott Walker a clear signal! I am but a humble feline, an orphan like millions of Americans across our beautiful country. From my humble beginnings as a single father in a small litter box in Tagg Romney's utility room, I have seen the struggles every day Americans face year after year. So join me, in New Hampshire, on top of your owner's refrigerator, South Carolina, Florida, a bathroom sink, all the way to the white house!!

[Mordecai]

YES.

[Potatoe]

YES.

SO YES, MUCH YES!

[Consciously Unconscious]

You are amazing.  Thank you for this. 

[badgate]

ROMNEY AND OBAMA TIED NATIONALLY
Barks Obama - 39%
Hank Romney - 39%
Undecided - 22%

Democratic Debate for New Hampshire

My opponent has failed the country in the last four years. Time and again she has failed to bark up for true leftist values, such as an end to drone strikes and domestic surveillance under the NSA and Patriot Act. As an Obama I plan on using this as a wedge issue in the primaries before ignoring the issue in office. But at least you know where I stand. Or do you. Anyway, LOOK IT'S A SQUIRREL! GUYS GUYS GUYS IT'S A SQUIRREL A SQUIRREL GIMME as your next President I will reform my father's health care programs to make them more streamlined and easier for both consumers and health care companies. Vote for me, and a Democratic congress, and we will raise the minimum wage so that work always pays more than welfare and dog shelter handouts.

My administration has done more for trans rights than any in American history. We have forcefully kept the so-called pro-lifers from destroying family planning services and we have NEVER, I repeat NEVER droned a canine without concrete proof of said canine's terrorist connections.

Liar!

I do not lie! No, I do not lie, good sir! Renominate me for reelection and I will pass a Democratic legacy worthy of Socks Clinton.

Madame President, I know Socks Clinton, I'm friends with Socks Clinton, and you sir are no Socks Clinton.

[NewYorkExpress]

Sorry, but I think Bo should have gotten there first

[badgate]

Sorry, but I think Bo should have gotten there first

Bo is a strong contender for HUD secretary

[Flake]

#VoteTheHumansOut

[badgate]

Inside The Romney Campaign

Tonight we take you inside a conservative insurgency that won a surprise victory in Iowa last month, before delivering a knockout blow in New Hampshire. Now the presumptive Republican nominee while incumbent President Clinton and renowned constitutional scholar Barks Obama are duking it out in the Democrats primary, Hank Romney is building a war chest to build a national GOTV effort similar to the successful Obama organizing strategy used by Democrats since 2008. Romney does not carry the "flip-flopper" baggage that his grandfather Mitt had in 2012: Hank has always stood for the pro-life cause, and his hispanic wife Anita is a proven effective surrogate for him in the southern hispanic-rich states.




Anita Romney at a recent fundraiser in Los Angeles.


The Romney campaign promises a tax cut plan, education reforms, and renewed efforts in diplomacy as policy proposals on its campaign website. The campaign is waiting until later in the year to roll out specifics, according to campaign spokeswoman Ann Coulter. Romney has also made a pledge not to appoint any fundraisers or "candidates without serious pre-existing qualifications" to ambassadorships, and is calling on Barks Obama and Hillary Clinton to make the same pledge.

Hank Romney has hinted at a foreign trip this summer, but some outside pundits worry that the trip could bring back press stories about Mitt Romney's infamously bad romp across the pond in 2012.

Romney was recently endorsed by the Geico Gecko, one of the many closeted Republicans in Hollywood. Gecko has also been appointed to lead the search for Romney's VP. From our scorecard, the top contenders are vanquished rival Scott Walker, New Hampshire Senator Kelly Ayotte, and Texas Governor Dwayne Stovall's golden retriever, infamous for biting John Cornyn's leg in the 2014 GOP Senate Runoff Primary debate.

VEEPSTAKES

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker

New Hampshire Senator Kelly Ayotte

Texas Supreme Court Justice Goldy Stovall

[Goldwater]

My hatred of Cats mean that I have to vote for Obama. Yay Speciesism!

[badgate]

My hatred of Cats mean that I have to vote for Obama. Yay Speciesism!

Would the selection of Texas Supreme Court Justice Goldy Stovall for VP swing your vote?

[Flake]

Hank/Stovall for America

[badgate]

The Fall Of Hillary

Campaign turns ugly!




Surrogate Circus

As the campaigning turned ugly, Former VP Joe Biden and Barkley Obama, the daughter of Barks, lightened up the campaign trail together.

Two Days Before Super Tuesday

Barks Obama has earned the exclusive and important endorsement of Jingle Bell Clinton, the daughter of Socks Clinton and heir to the feline political Clinton dynasty. Jingle Bell is considered a favorite for Arkansas' 4th congressional district in 2022 or 2024, and is currently state treasurer.




SUPER TUESDAY

Alaska
Barks Obama - 61%
Hillary Clinton - 39%

Georgia
Barks Obama - 53%
Hillary Clinton - 47%

Idaho
Barks Obama - 50%
Hillary Clinton - 49%

Massachusetts
Barks Obama - 52%
Hillary Clinton - 48%

North Dakota
Barks Obama 49%
Hillary Clinton 51%

Ohio
Barks Obama - 55%
Hillary Clinton - 45%

Oklahoma
Barks Obama - 63%
Hillary Clinton - 36%

Tennessee
Barks Obama - 51%
Hillary Clinton - 49%

Vermont
Barks Obama - 70%
Hillary Clinton - 30%

Virginia
Barks Obama - 56%
Hillary Clinton - 43%


Final Primary Map

"I have decided that it is now clear the Democratic party does not want me to remain their President. Barks Obama is a good man, and will make an honorable President. I know that Barks has a long history of activism, from loosening leash laws in downtown Chicago to keeping strays off the streets as interim Governor of Illinois, an office he served in for two weeks in 2019 after Illinois former governor inevitably resigned. I believe in Barks for President, and I hope my supporters can find it in their hearts to rub his tummy and give him your vote."

[morgieb]

LOL. Awesome.

[badgate]

I haven't forgotten about you, Barks...