McLaughlin/Buchanan (R) vs Clift/Page (D) vs Zuckerman (I)

[SPC]

Initially, the frontrunner for the Republican nomination was former Gingrich press secretary Tony Blankley. However, news reports revealing that Blankley was both not a natural-born citizen of the United States and legally deceased sunk his candidacy.

Blankley's withdrawal left the race for the Republicans wide-open. Monica Crowley, Frank Luntz, and Rich Lowry both tried to latch onto the neoconservative mantle left by Blankley, but ultimately this split in the vote enabled maverick former Jesuit John McLaughlin to take the nomination. Many believe that McLaughlin's superior debate performances, in which he asserted that there was "zero possibility" that his opponents would keep their campaign promises, while there was "metaphysical certitude" that he would keep his, were instrumental to his primary victory. In exchange for his endorsement, which was critical for McLaughlin to secure the nomination, former senior presidential advisor Pat Buchanan was offered the VP spot on the ticket.

The race on the Democratic side was also very competitive. Establishment liberals backed Newsweek columnist Eleanor Clift, while African-Americans coalesced around the candidacy of Chicago Tribute columnist Clarence Page. Lawrence O'Donnell and US News & World Report editor Mort Zuckerman also ran for the nomination but dropped out after poor finishes in the Iowa Caucus and New Hampshire primary. After several months of primaries with no clear winner, endorsements from superdelegates ultimately put Clift over the top. In order to unite the party after the brutal primary campaign, Page was selected as Clift's running mate.

Disgruntled with the ideological extremism and absence of any Jewish billionaires on either ticket, Mort Zuckerman announced that he would launch an independent candidacy for President. Zuckerman initially selected former New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg as his running mate, but the revelation that such a choice would make the Zuckerman/Bloomberg ticket ineligible for electoral votes from New York resulted in Bloomberg being dropped from the ticket. As of press time, Zuckerman has not selected a replacement running-mate.

In contrast to the typical format of 3 90-minute presidential debates and 1 90-minute vice-presidential debate, the candidates have agreed to weekly 30-minute debates featuring both members of each ticket arguing with each other over the issues of the week. The Clift and Zuckerman campaigns complained that it was unfair that McLaughlin got to select the topics of discussion and always had the final word on each issue, but agreed to participate anyway.

[FEMA Camp Administrator]

Hahahahaha. I've only seen the McLaughlin Report once. Will you post a map, or is it our job?

[PPT Spiral]

I love you.

[SPC]

Hahahahaha. I've only seen the McLaughlin Report once. Will you post a map, or is it our job?

You guys shall post your thoughts on what the map would be, then I will post the "correct" map and move on to the next election what-if.

[Mr. Morden]

The best Saturday Night Live sketch of all time:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOLF_D7JVZM

[SPC]

Since nobody posted their predictions, I shall reveal the infallible prediction:

McLaughlin/Buchanan 232 EV
Zuckerman/? 188 EV
Clift/Page 118 EV

The House of Representatives selects John McLaughlin as President after dozens of ballots sensing that he has the shortest life expectency of the three candidates and thus can do the least damage. The Senate, left to choose between Pat Buchanan and nobody for Vice-President (since Zuckerman failed to find a replacement running mate in time for the election), unanimously chooses nobody. A medical examination prior to the inauguration reveals that President-elect McLaughlin is incapacitated due to advanced senile dementia, and thus began the reign of President Boehner. Boehner selects Congressman Mike Simpson (R-ID) to fill the Vice-Presidency, whom the House and Senate quickly approve in a vain attempt to get the President to stop crying.

[FEMA Camp Administrator]

At least McLaughlin won. Sad thing about Buchanan.

[Captain Chaos]

Zuckerman should have picked Angus King.