ATLASIA EXPRESS

[Bacon King]

Your Cutting Edge Source for Legitimate Journalism

A NOT SO GAY MARRIAGE?
Anonymous sources allege that the recent marriage between former Internal Affairs Secretary G.A. Worth and Pacific Councillor Jacob "Flo" Tiver may be on the rocks! The cute couple made headlines after being married in Atlasia's first public gay marriage ceremony, and most observers expected the two to live a long and fruitful life together. Close friends of the two, however, offer a different perspective.
M. Naso, a regular attendee of the couple's biweekly LGBT book club, was in tears recounting a recent fight between the two. "It started when Flo got mad when his husband was late coming home from a Cabinet meeting, he just kind of snapped, went off, shouting 'I SEE [President A.H.] DUKE WAS ENJOYING YOUR INTERNAL AFFAIRS AGAIN' and they just kept shouting back and forth until GAworth ran out to his car and left." Asked if the couple remained in contact, Naso continued, "I'm almost certain Flo hasn't seen him since. I tried asking if he's heard from him, but he just kept muttering about 'that damn Greek manwhore' until he broke down in tears." Other sources verify that the two have not spoken in weeks and no longer reside at the same residence.
GAworth was last seen three days ago, when he was photographed dining at a gyro shop on the outskirts of Charleston. President A.H. Duke's office declined comment.

SIMFAN? NO, SIMFRAUD!
While Lord Prince Simfan's return from exile was a cause of rejoice for his millions of loyal followers throughout the nation, recent leaks have severely dampened the celebratory mood. An Atlas Forum Moderator, speaking on a condition of complete anonymity, has revealed that "Simfan" might not be who he appears to be at all. The mod noted, "when we exiled the Lord Prince from the Realm of Leip, he maintained contact with the Atlasian People by intermittently sending statements through intermediaries. Once a week, at least. Naturally we deleted these missives as soon as we could and infracted everyone who was helping him."
"The infractions were the best part, I love infractions," the moderator added. "We eventually became so good at silencing these missives that they'd be gone in mere seconds. We programmed Morden to recognize and delete them on sight. That was nice, because I could spend more time focusing on law school. But the messages kept coming. We gave in and let him come back, and the people rejoiced. But Simfan's messages from exile... we're still getting them. He's sending them faster... sometimes five or more every hour. It's a downpour worse than the Great Lakes Storm of 1913. I just wish I could see what he was trying to tell us."
The lifelong Michigan resident warned, "we don't know who, or what, is posting on the forum, but he's a fake. The IP address traces to somewhere in Turkmenistan. Don't trust anything it says."
A reward of five thousand Atlasian dollars and a lifelong Atlas Forum Platinum membership has been offered to anyone who can provide a message from Lord Prince Simfan that is not immediately deleted by the MORDEN Automated Moderation System.

ADAM GRIFFIN ADDICTED:
TO STEALING ELECTIONS
The Atlasian Express has uncovered several confidential documents that prove Adam Griffin, former leader of the Labor Party and infamous troublemaker, has a rare form of kleptomania where he is obsessed only with stealing electoral contests. At press time, the ongoing investigation confirms he has singlehandedly altered the outcome of more than fifteen elections, including the February 2014 Presidential Election, the April 2010 Senate Election, and the October 2011 Elections to the Manitoba Legislative Assembly. While shocking to most, Labor Party insiders acknowledge the Politburo was well aware of Griffin's addiction. While it gave the party some success, the reckless behavior accompanying his kleptomaniac binges often caused significant issues for Atlasia. Former Labor President Averroes Nix confides, "We were playing with fire. He was insane. He impulsively started some insane scheme to win an Assembly Election in the Northeast but somehow it ended up with the Pacific Region abolishing itself. We're still trying to figure that one out."

[Flake]

Oh no! Flo's and GAworth's marriage is in shambles? What a shame, I thought they were doing so well.

[Southern Senator North Carolina Yankee]

I swear to god, BK, if I spit something all over my monitor whilst reading an entry in this...


Include a Warning Label next time.

[Adam Griffin]

FF

[HagridOfTheDeep]

I misread the title as "Atlasia Expires." I was excited for a second.

[Napoleon]

Back in the day over half of these would have been about me. Oh well.