1920 Primaries

H.E. VOLODYMYR ZELENKSYY
Alfred F. Jones
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	1920 Primaries « on: July 14, 2014, 03:57:08 PM »
	« edited: July 14, 2014, 08:53:53 PM by Senator Alfred F. Jones »

The election of 1916 would go down in history as arguably the greatest upset in American political history. While the vast majority of political observers predicted an easy win for the instigator (though it was really more the South’s fault if you want to get into that debate), fighter, and assured winner of the Second Civil War, President Underwood would go down in a landslide defeat to Elihu Root, a man who could be at best described as “inoffensive”. Some modern historians have stated that there was no real way for Underwood to win without the South (ironically), as the destruction of the KKK and, by extension, much of the Populist Party returned the region to its FLP roots, but the main factor in Root’s shocking victory was his relentless campaign on a “return to normalcy” after the turmoil of the past decade (or even two decades if you want to go that far). The voters were captivated by Root’s skill at negotiating arbitration treaties and his promises that there wouldn’t be “any crazy sh**t if I’m the President, goddammit!”, and he sailed past the other three parties like it was a World Cup semifinal and he was Germany, removing Underwood from office in much the same way Clement Attlee would do to Winston Churchill many years later.

BUT THEN THERE WAS TOTALLY CRAZY sh**t BECAUSE PRESIDENT ROOT DECIDED TO GO TO WAR AGAINST GERMANY AND THEN THE US WAS IN WORLD WAR I AND WE WON AND THAT'S GOOD AND THEN WE TRIED TO PASS SOME TREATY THING AND HENRY CABOT LODGE WAS ALL LIKE "DUDE THAT'S GOING WAY TOO FAR" AND THEN SECRETARY OF WAR TEDDY ROOSEVELT WAS LIKE " YOU HENRY CABOT LODGE I NEVER LIKED YOU" BUT THEN ROOSEVELT DIED SO HENRY CABOT LODGE WAS LIKE "BITCH I OWN THIS TREATY" AND THEN THE SENATE PASSED THE TREATY OF VERSAILLES WITH THE LODGE RESERVATIONS AND NOTHING BAD EVER HAPPENED IN GERMANY AGAIN.

Also Reconstruction happened, but nothing really got off the ground because Root was like "let's leave Virginia and Louisiana and all those states that didn't secede alone" and a rather bitter Underwood was like " you Elihu we should crush the Jim Crow everywhere" and that was a bit of a tussle and the Reed Brigade Hive Mind was all like "what do we do we're so confused". Root's economic issues have been almost entirely stalled by the Farmer-Labor-Bull-Moose coalition against him as well as the opposition of several moderate Unionists, mostly because they are insane. He did pass the income tax though, a move met with cheers by most of the Farmers-Laborers and Bull-Meese and widespread grumbling for his own party.

This last move has resulted in quite the contentious race for President Root, with economically more-conservative and possibly mouth-less Calvin Coolidge being his main challenger. Leonard Wood, one of the Union Army's greatest heroes from the Civil War and a staunch anti-communist, is also running on the platform of "we should have put that sonofabitch Debs in prison when we had the chance!", whereas Ohio Senator Warren G. Harding is running in an attempt to focus the party more on civil rights and less on the fact that he's constantly drunk and up to his ears in scandals. Also some face named Nicholas Murray Butler is running, and he wants to take over the whole world except the parts with black people in them because we wouldn't want those people in our America, would we now?

On the FLP side, the frontrunner is former President Eugene Debs, who is running on the general FLP things - banning child labor, a more forceful Reconstruction, and the shiny new platform plank of universal health care. His main challenger seems to be no one in particular, but Congressman A. Mitchell Palmer somehow made his way onto the convention floor even though no one is entirely sure he's supposed to be in the party because he keeps talking about "snuffing out the goddamn Reds." But hey, he likes unions, so that's a point in his favor. Thomas Marshall is running on the same general platform as Debs, but most people think he wants to get the Vice Presidency that he (and many others in the party) feel cheated out of. Fourthly through sixthly, we have Sen. Robert Owen of Oklahoma, who hates child labor, Gov. James Cox of Ohio, who no one cares about, and Woodrow Wilson, who just really wants to be President. Some Bull-Moose snuck into the convention and put a merger on the ballot in an attempt to repeat the almost-success of William V. Allen, but no one honestly thinks that will work.

Thirdly, we turn to the ever-second-or-third-best Bull-Meese, who are running the usual slate of candidates (aka La Follette and Johnson, the latter of whom has mulled a unity ticket with the FLP) as well as quite a few fresh faces: George Norris of Nebraska, heir to former Vice President Bryan's senate seat, who's basically just RLF and Johnson but not old and boring, some crazy-ass motherer named William Sproul (a Unionist in all but name and support for internal improvements), some dude with three names from Illinois (remember the last time we had a President with three names from Illinois? That was a bad time) who supports women's suffrage and some other things too, and a nice fellow named Alfred with a strange combination of political positions from his pro-immigrant stance to his opposition to Prohibition to his continuous fellatio of Pope Benedict XV. Some Farmer-Laborer snuck into the convention and put a merger on the ballot in an attempt to repeat the success of Zebulon Vance, but no one honestly believes that will work.

The Populists are here too, and you-know-who is running because it's the only thing that keeps himself from jumping off a bridge. James Reed (remember him from the primaries a while ago? I don't either) and a guy named Augustus are running too, and Augustus is the only one who isn't campaigning on full-out racism (he supports women's suffrage, opposes prohibition, and has many of the FLP's economic policies).

Three days, twenty-two options, go!

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H.E. VOLODYMYR ZELENKSYY
Alfred F. Jones
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Posts: 15,106

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