Imprisoned - A Review

[🦀🎂🦀🎂]

As funny as Al's review was, if I were to give you advice:

1) Tone down the glut of sentences beginning with "I ...", or its allies "I'd" and "I'm". It's boring and makes the story sound like a LiveJournal.

2) Show, don't tell. A lot of your text is the character telling the audience how they feel, rather than showing it through his actions.

3) Be conservative with your phrasing. This is a problem I personally encounter when writing - when I initially write anything, it comes laboured under unnecessary veneer. What I do is print it out, and hack as much chaff as I can from it - and be brutal. If you err on whether a stylistic feature is appropriate, it's chaff.

(Was the protagonist supposed to be dead by the way?)