1936 Primaries

After the dust settled from the pounding of '32, President Fio-chan was left with significant majorities in both houses of Congress to enact his agenda, working with Speaker Daniel Hoan and Majority Leader Robert Wagner to pass a whole slew of programs, which Vice President Long wanted to call "Share Our Wealth" in a failed attempt to assert himself. The America Has A Drink Amendment passed right away as the President went on the ceremonial first drunken rant (recorded officially as the inaugural address), and he set out enacting the most transformative agenda since Donnelly (even signing the Social Security Act with Donnelly's name at first before realizing his mistake and crossing it out). Highlights include a whole bunch of taxes (including one on inheritance), some unemployment insurance thing for the 25% of Americans who will need it, child labor being outlawed, and a sh**tload of public works programs (most famously the Boulder Dam, quickly renamed the Johnson Dam after Hiram Johnson was all like "please guys i just want something named after me"). Things were pretty good if you were a man - women still can't vote because that amendment died in committee - and then Huey Long had to go and it all up by ~~texting a nude picture of himself to Labor Secretary Frances Perkins~~ managing to nationalize the oil industry as part of a Cabinet truth-or-dare bonding session; he had been plaguing the President for years about wanting to have one thing that was just his, you know, and La Guardia decided to let him commit political suicide by embarking on some crazy venture and then it totally worked and La Guardia was like "fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck" but he signed the bill anyway because he'd look like a wimpy WINO if such divisions were exposed and Long was talking about running for President and letting Henry Ford win for some reason but then it all turned out OK because Long got shot by a disgruntled Standard Oil worker who'd fallen through the cracks, pausing to utter "God, don't let me die, I've got so much to nationalize" before he succumbed to the bullet in him.

...so that was one long sentence just there. Am I turning into that hamster guy who doesn't know how to use punctuation properly or am I just experimenting with polysyndeton? Anyway, FLG's only challenger appears to be a talk radio host who seems to be coopting the "crazy left-wing political preacher" thing from Norman Thomas and James R. Cox and has quite a bit to say about that nice fellow from Germany (Halter? Hader? Something with an H). The other primaries are far more interesting, with William Borah and Franklin Roosevelt carrying the torch for the progressive wing against David Walsh of Massachusetts, who really doesn't deserve his middle name because he may be actually mentally ill - he keeps ranting about "foreign entanglements" and everyone else is like "dude calm down we settled all that with the Treaty of Versailles". There's also Congressmen John Nance Garner, but that's another story for another day.

The Union Convention was, like most Union Conventions of late, spent crying about how terrible the candidates are and complaining about how all the popular kids are joining the BMP and that new "American Conservative Liberty Union" thing that guy from Wisconsin started, but at least they still have Henry Ford. The frontrunner, however, seems to be fiscal-conservative icon Arthur Vandenberg, though Jim Wadsworth seems to be trying to out-crazy him and also is a few lines of latitude north of where he ought to be. There's also a newspaper publisher who's campaigning on the theme of "i'm originally from massachusetts and i live in illinois and those states are like union central so i'm the most unionist ever", a statement which he has placed word-for-word in full-page ads in all his papers, Alf Landon, who always wears a creepy mask and communicates in sign language, and Bull-Moose William Lemke, who appears to be at the wrong convention.

So, yeah, go vote for people and stuff. Feel free to suggest VP picks if you want to.

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