Have things ever happened to you you thought would make a good Onion article?

You know those stories the Onion runs about very mundane and minor events that happen to people that are "funny because it's true" and you often think about how that's happened to you. A couple of those have happened recently and I kind of wrote articles in my head. Examples:

Man Disappointed Yet Kind of Relieved to Find Out Sales Clerk Isn't As Cute As She Appeared At First Glance

MINNEAPOLIS—Local man BRTD, 30, admitted that the sales clerk at a local record store actually turned out to not look as good upon checkout as he thought when he walked in the door. "At first I thought she looked like a total indie hipster goddess, with her cute dress, long brown hair with a few blue streaks, cute flower in it and the tattoos" explained BRTD, "but upon checkout I realized her nose was kind out of proportion for her face, her freckles aren't as flattering close up, she's not exactly in perfect shape and the tattoos are more trashy than quirky. I mean I wouldn't turn her down or anything, the flower and blue streaks in the hair are a nice touch, but she's still just between a 6 and 7." However BRTD admitted this was kind of relieving. "If she did look that good checking out would be kind of awkward, and what if I started seeing her at shows or parties and found out she has a boyfriend and got heartbreakeningly friendzoned? Seriously it's probably better this way." Later reports indicate though on his way home BRTD crossed paths with a female jogger who looked even better close up than she did while approaching.

Man Saddened To See Local Business He Never Shopped At Close

MINNEAPOLIS—BRTD, 30, expressed disappointed at noticing the closing sale signs for Roberts Shoe Store on Lake Street, a store that he never once shopped at and never intended to ever do so. "I mean sure I bought my shoes mostly at the mall, but it was kind of cool having a shoe store on Lake Street, something unique about the area. And the "Hardly a shoe we can't fit!" banner was a nice touch. It was a local staple and one I'm going to miss seeing. Besides, it always sucks to see a small business close, you know? I'm not saying I would start shopping there if I knew they were in trouble but regardless, it's disappointing." BRTD later expressed satisfaction at seeing the local bookstore further down the road that is still open that he also has never shopped at and probably still never will have even if it's still open in 10 years.

Local Man Spends $5 On Bar of Soap For Some Reason

MINNEAPOLIS—Local man BRTD, 30, admitted that he purchased a $5 bar of soap at a notable local store, but can't quite justify doing it. "At first I thought, $5 for a bar of soap, what? But then I saw it's handmade by a local couple and all of natural ingredients which I don't really care about...but is still kind of cool. And besides a bar of soap that size lasts at least two weeks, so that's probably just $10 a month even if I bought it every time. If I don't like it I can always just not buy it again and go back to the six packs for $8 at Target." Upon getting home BRTD debated if he should put it immediately in his shower but opted to put it away and at least wait until his current bar was done.

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