Update XVII: I Ate The Strawberry (The REAL, AUTHENTIC Update)
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  Update XVII: I Ate The Strawberry (The REAL, AUTHENTIC Update)
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Author Topic: Update XVII: I Ate The Strawberry (The REAL, AUTHENTIC Update)  (Read 129425 times)
Simfan34
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« Reply #700 on: September 28, 2014, 04:20:09 PM »

Bushie, why don't you try to get a pizza delivery job? It's the easiest $12/hour ever. Plus you get to eat garbage for free. And you can still watch all the tv you want on your own time. No boring personal development required. It's perfect.

What about rain and snow?
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WalterMitty
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« Reply #701 on: September 28, 2014, 04:25:22 PM »

i guess they dont have the cloud and/or flash drives in oklahoma.
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Flake
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« Reply #702 on: September 28, 2014, 04:31:46 PM »

Hey Jeff, have you ever considered a career at Walmart? I genuinely think it'd be a great opportunity for you. You may recall that until recently I was a Customer Service Manager there, and I can honestly say without hyperbole that you would have been far more capable and much easier to work with than at least two-thirds of my former colleagues among that management team.

Assistant Manager is the lowest salaried position with pay starting at ~$40,000 per year (i.e., after taxes, you would get around $1200 every two weeks). You also get full benefits and an annual bonus tied to store performance that is generally in the ballpark of $5,000 to $15,000. There are eight assistant managers per store, and it takes time to fill vacancies, so at any given time it's actually fairly likely for a store to have an opening in the position. You can get hired in directly as Assistant, although some store managers prefer to promote them internally (if you're hired in any hourly position, you can apply for an Assistant Manager spot after IIRC 12 months).

It's a job that would compensate you well and plays towards your strengths (and wouldn't really have as much of a way for your weaknesses to interfere). It'd be very easy for you to ensure job security and become a favorite candidate for promotion; just follow these steps:

1. Take to heart the stuff they teach you about Sam Walton's vision and philosophy in your orientation, because quoting from them is an insta-win trump card when dealing with your superiors
2. If you're doing your job right you'll be doing very little actual work- when you are told to do something by your own boss, you're supposed to "delegate" and tell your minimum wage underlings that they have to do it.
3. You have no reason to be scared of difficult customers because you are literally told to give them everything they want so they go away and stop bothering you
4. Walmart Corporate grades stores and allocates bonuses using specific performance metrics, and the store manager has to focus on those numbers above all else. If you ignore all other concerns, problems, and complaints so that you can look at the store's statistics page and find the red numbers, then do something to make the red number become green numbers, and brag about how you fixed what was obviously a serious/pressing issue, you will be looked upon as a walmart wizard and management genius.

Also, you will probably like this part, before you officially become an Assistant Manager you are grouped with other new Assistant Managers and you all stay at a hotel for four weeks so you can learn how to manager by taking an easy class in the conference room. For this 28 day period all of your meals are payed for in full by Walmart and you can eat literally anywhere you want. I've heard stories from four different manager class things, and in every single one a competition developed to see who can spend the most of Walmart's money on their extravagant restaurant purchases

But for real, I think this is the kind of job you'd like to have, I think you'd be successful doing it, and the fact that you have a college degree means you'd automatically be on the top of the pile of job applicants. Also free food!

Let me know what you think; if this is something you'd be interested in I'm totally willing to help you on this 

Bushie, this seems like a great opportunity! Why don't you go apply to some walmarts?

http://jobs.walmart.com/
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Indy Texas
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« Reply #703 on: September 28, 2014, 04:38:16 PM »

Hey Jeff, have you ever considered a career at Walmart? I genuinely think it'd be a great opportunity for you. You may recall that until recently I was a Customer Service Manager there, and I can honestly say without hyperbole that you would have been far more capable and much easier to work with than at least two-thirds of my former colleagues among that management team.

Assistant Manager is the lowest salaried position with pay starting at ~$40,000 per year (i.e., after taxes, you would get around $1200 every two weeks). You also get full benefits and an annual bonus tied to store performance that is generally in the ballpark of $5,000 to $15,000. There are eight assistant managers per store, and it takes time to fill vacancies, so at any given time it's actually fairly likely for a store to have an opening in the position. You can get hired in directly as Assistant, although some store managers prefer to promote them internally (if you're hired in any hourly position, you can apply for an Assistant Manager spot after IIRC 12 months).

It's a job that would compensate you well and plays towards your strengths (and wouldn't really have as much of a way for your weaknesses to interfere). It'd be very easy for you to ensure job security and become a favorite candidate for promotion; just follow these steps:

1. Take to heart the stuff they teach you about Sam Walton's vision and philosophy in your orientation, because quoting from them is an insta-win trump card when dealing with your superiors
2. If you're doing your job right you'll be doing very little actual work- when you are told to do something by your own boss, you're supposed to "delegate" and tell your minimum wage underlings that they have to do it.
3. You have no reason to be scared of difficult customers because you are literally told to give them everything they want so they go away and stop bothering you
4. Walmart Corporate grades stores and allocates bonuses using specific performance metrics, and the store manager has to focus on those numbers above all else. If you ignore all other concerns, problems, and complaints so that you can look at the store's statistics page and find the red numbers, then do something to make the red number become green numbers, and brag about how you fixed what was obviously a serious/pressing issue, you will be looked upon as a walmart wizard and management genius.

Also, you will probably like this part, before you officially become an Assistant Manager you are grouped with other new Assistant Managers and you all stay at a hotel for four weeks so you can learn how to manager by taking an easy class in the conference room. For this 28 day period all of your meals are payed for in full by Walmart and you can eat literally anywhere you want. I've heard stories from four different manager class things, and in every single one a competition developed to see who can spend the most of Walmart's money on their extravagant restaurant purchases

But for real, I think this is the kind of job you'd like to have, I think you'd be successful doing it, and the fact that you have a college degree means you'd automatically be on the top of the pile of job applicants. Also free food!

Let me know what you think; if this is something you'd be interested in I'm totally willing to help you on this 

Bushie, this seems like a great opportunity! Why don't you go apply to some walmarts?

http://jobs.walmart.com/

I pity the hourly part-time working stiffs who work in a Wal-Mart run by Jeff and have to report to him. $8 an hour with little or no benefits in return for cleaning up his messes and putting out his fires while he probably takes a nap in the back office. And if they actually succeed in doing so, he'll get a performance bonus. No justice in this world.
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memphis
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« Reply #704 on: September 28, 2014, 04:42:05 PM »

Bushie, why don't you try to get a pizza delivery job? It's the easiest $12/hour ever. Plus you get to eat garbage for free. And you can still watch all the tv you want on your own time. No boring personal development required. It's perfect.

What about rain and snow?
He's always dreamed of living in Arizona. I think it'd be win-win.
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Tetro Kornbluth
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« Reply #705 on: September 28, 2014, 04:55:22 PM »

Bushie,

Please listen to me, when I say see a psychiatrist.

I tried early on in the history of the Update, I believe, but he doesn't seem to think he needs one and may be worried about the costs.

It's quite clear he has special... requirements and that could help him find a job more suitable to his needs.
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Small Business Owner of Any Repute
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« Reply #706 on: September 28, 2014, 04:56:29 PM »

Most minimum wage workers are more industrious, more competent, and more reliable than you. Your condescending attitude toward their work (and, it seems, toward any work that isn't white collar) is both unjustifiable and an obstacle to your own success. Why do you deserve better than they do? Why are you more valuable than they are?

I'm not purposefully trying to put down their value in society.  I'm just saying I can't survive on minimum wage.  I need at least $11 or $12 an hour to even have a shot at paying my bills.

You don't have skills or a work ethic that merits more than minimum wage.

I disagree on the skills, but I will agree that my resume is not worth much more than minimum wage, but it doesn't mean I should stick to low-wage jobs.

You quit your CAD education early, got a sub-par grade, refuse to bone up on your CAD skills on your own, made tons of mistakes in your CAD drawings, and are about to be fired from an entry-level CAD position from what sounds to be an otherwise forgiving small business because you lack the bare minimum level of ability.

You don't have the skill. Period.
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Joe Biden 2020
BushOklahoma
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« Reply #707 on: September 28, 2014, 05:19:42 PM »

So far in the 2 1/2 hours I have been home, I have updated my resume and sent in two applications, one of them to this family member's company.  I am still looking for other jobs to apply to.  I am about to grab some dinner and then get back to the job hunt.

I know I have many doubters on this forum, but I must focus on what I know I can and need to do and not let all the negativity get to me and get me down.
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Indy Texas
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« Reply #708 on: September 28, 2014, 05:43:48 PM »

So far in the 2 1/2 hours I have been home, I have updated my resume and sent in two applications, one of them to this family member's company.  I am still looking for other jobs to apply to.  I am about to grab some dinner and then get back to the job hunt.

I know I have many doubters on this forum, but I must focus on what I know I can and need to do and not let all the negativity get to me and get me down.

Are you cooking it or buying it? And what kind of processed, fat- and sugar-laden garbage masquerading as "food" will you be shoveling down your gullet this evening?
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memphis
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« Reply #709 on: September 28, 2014, 06:01:27 PM »

Bushie, why don't you try to get a pizza delivery job? It's the easiest $12/hour ever. Plus you get to eat garbage for free. And you can still watch all the tv you want on your own time. No boring personal development required. It's perfect.
This is a serious suggestion. Will you consider pizza delivery?
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Joe Biden 2020
BushOklahoma
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« Reply #710 on: September 28, 2014, 06:05:45 PM »

Bushie, why don't you try to get a pizza delivery job? It's the easiest $12/hour ever. Plus you get to eat garbage for free. And you can still watch all the tv you want on your own time. No boring personal development required. It's perfect.
This is a serious suggestion. Will you consider pizza delivery?

If I get desperate.
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AndrewTX
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« Reply #711 on: September 28, 2014, 06:37:26 PM »

Bushie, why don't you try to get a pizza delivery job? It's the easiest $12/hour ever. Plus you get to eat garbage for free. And you can still watch all the tv you want on your own time. No boring personal development required. It's perfect.
This is a serious suggestion. Will you consider pizza delivery?

If I get desperate.

You will, you always are. Cooking isn't that hard, bruh. I already cooked a boca meatloaf filled with fresh veggies for our dinner, with a side of green beans with almond slices. All me, all in an hour.
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Panda Express
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« Reply #712 on: September 28, 2014, 06:46:55 PM »

BushOklahoma, have you thought about being a D.J.? All you have to do is click a button on a computer, drape some headphones around your neck and repeatedly bob your head up and down. You don't have to get up and you'll get tons of girls.
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Joe Biden 2020
BushOklahoma
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« Reply #713 on: September 28, 2014, 06:55:58 PM »

BushOklahoma, have you thought about being a D.J.? All you have to do is click a button on a computer, drape some headphones around your neck and repeatedly bob your head up and down. You don't have to get up and you'll get tons of girls.

Only problem with that, is the repeated head-bobbing would create a migraine above all migraines and then I'd have to call into work...
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Flake
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« Reply #714 on: September 28, 2014, 06:56:56 PM »

Bushie, why don't you try to get a pizza delivery job? It's the easiest $12/hour ever. Plus you get to eat garbage for free. And you can still watch all the tv you want on your own time. No boring personal development required. It's perfect.
This is a serious suggestion. Will you consider pizza delivery?

If I get desperate.

You will, you always are. Cooking isn't that hard, bruh. I already cooked a boca meatloaf filled with fresh veggies for our dinner, with a side of green beans with almond slices. All me, all in an hour.

That sounds really good.

BushOklahoma, have you thought about being a D.J.? All you have to do is click a button on a computer, drape some headphones around your neck and repeatedly bob your head up and down. You don't have to get up and you'll get tons of girls.

Only problem with that, is the repeated head-bobbing would create a migraine above all migraines and then I'd have to call into work...

lol

Bushie I could never see you as a DJ
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Mr. Morden
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« Reply #715 on: September 28, 2014, 07:00:29 PM »

Bushie, why don't you try to get a pizza delivery job? It's the easiest $12/hour ever. Plus you get to eat garbage for free. And you can still watch all the tv you want on your own time. No boring personal development required. It's perfect.
This is a serious suggestion. Will you consider pizza delivery?

If I get desperate.

You will, you always are. Cooking isn't that hard, bruh. I already cooked a boca meatloaf filled with fresh veggies for our dinner, with a side of green beans with almond slices. All me, all in an hour.

Reading comprehension….
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Mr. Morden
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« Reply #716 on: September 28, 2014, 07:02:29 PM »

You don't have to get up and you'll get tons of girls.

So *that's* how you get girls?  Why didn't you ever tell us that when you were The Professor?  All you ever talked about was what *won't* help us get girls.

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Joe Biden 2020
BushOklahoma
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« Reply #717 on: September 28, 2014, 07:06:34 PM »

So far tonight in 2 hours of job searching, I have applied for/sent in resumes for 4-5 jobs.  I've still got those two places I will go visit tomorrow morning.  I sent in a resume on one of them this evening, too, so when I go in and see them tomorrow, they will already have my resume.
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Indy Texas
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« Reply #718 on: September 28, 2014, 07:11:24 PM »

Maybe we're going in the wrong direction here. None of these job ideas seem to be working, minimum wage grunt work is beneath Bushie and going on disability probably is too.

That leaves an option that many men in his situation have pursued: find a reasonably industrious woman who is stably employed and also suffers from low self-esteem; convince her she needs you and you're the best thing that ever happened to her even though you're a broke, overweight, unemployed schmuck, and let her go out and bring home the bacon while you sit around the house all day doing whatever the hell you want. Dump some of your seed in her, make her have a kid by you and you two will officially be irreversibly entangled.

Poor black and white men with few skills or ambitions all across the country have gotten the steady income and roof over their head that they need by becoming Common-Law Husbands/Baby Daddies to women who deserve better but lack the self-respect to actually dump those losers and find someone else.

Jeff would do well to find a woman who is a nurse's aide or has some other comparable stable, working class job, who came from a broken home and has daddy issues. They tend to set their standards lower than they should and the fact that Jeff has no priors and doesn't use weed/meth/etc already puts him at the top of the heap. She'll pay the rent, cook and clean while you sit around all day. 'Tis the white trash way of doing things.
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King
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« Reply #719 on: September 28, 2014, 07:13:48 PM »

Like Al, I don't think enough attention has been given to the fact that Bushie is apparently some sort of Rainman-esque savant???

But what can we do with his photographic memory? Only job I can think of is detective on an 80s TV drama.
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BushOklahoma
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« Reply #720 on: September 28, 2014, 07:15:05 PM »

That post gave me a good laugh!  I need that, thanks!
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Simfan34
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« Reply #721 on: September 28, 2014, 07:16:01 PM »

Maybe we're going in the wrong direction here. None of these job ideas seem to be working, minimum wage grunt work is beneath Bushie and going on disability probably is too.

That leaves an option that many men in his situation have pursued: find a reasonably industrious woman who is stably employed and also suffers from low self-esteem; convince her she needs you and you're the best thing that ever happened to her even though you're a broke, overweight, unemployed schmuck, and let her go out and bring home the bacon while you sit around the house all day doing whatever the hell you want. Dump some of your seed in her, make her have a kid by you and you two will officially be irreversibly entangled.

Poor black and white men with few skills or ambitions all across the country have gotten the steady income and roof over their head that they need by becoming Common-Law Husbands/Baby Daddies to women who deserve better but lack the self-respect to actually dump those losers and find someone else.

Jeff would do well to find a woman who is a nurse's aide or has some other comparable stable, working class job, who came from a broken home and has daddy issues. They tend to set their standards lower than they should and the fact that Jeff has no priors and doesn't use weed/meth/etc already puts him at the top of the heap. She'll pay the rent, cook and clean while you sit around all day. 'Tis the white trash way of doing things.

This is perhaps the most awful post I have read on the forum. It makes sense, yes, but it is a truly terrible proposition. To ever sentence a woman to such a fate would be utterly tragic.
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Flake
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« Reply #722 on: September 28, 2014, 07:18:55 PM »

Maybe we're going in the wrong direction here. None of these job ideas seem to be working, minimum wage grunt work is beneath Bushie and going on disability probably is too.

That leaves an option that many men in his situation have pursued: find a reasonably industrious woman who is stably employed and also suffers from low self-esteem; convince her she needs you and you're the best thing that ever happened to her even though you're a broke, overweight, unemployed schmuck, and let her go out and bring home the bacon while you sit around the house all day doing whatever the hell you want. Dump some of your seed in her, make her have a kid by you and you two will officially be irreversibly entangled.

Poor black and white men with few skills or ambitions all across the country have gotten the steady income and roof over their head that they need by becoming Common-Law Husbands/Baby Daddies to women who deserve better but lack the self-respect to actually dump those losers and find someone else.

Jeff would do well to find a woman who is a nurse's aide or has some other comparable stable, working class job, who came from a broken home and has daddy issues. They tend to set their standards lower than they should and the fact that Jeff has no priors and doesn't use weed/meth/etc already puts him at the top of the heap. She'll pay the rent, cook and clean while you sit around all day. 'Tis the white trash way of doing things.

This is perhaps the most awful post I have read on the forum. It makes sense, yes, but it is a truly terrible proposition. To ever sentence a woman to such a fate would be utterly tragic.

I'm pretty sure it was a joke
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AndrewTX
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« Reply #723 on: September 28, 2014, 07:27:11 PM »

Bushie, why don't you try to get a pizza delivery job? It's the easiest $12/hour ever. Plus you get to eat garbage for free. And you can still watch all the tv you want on your own time. No boring personal development required. It's perfect.
This is a serious suggestion. Will you consider pizza delivery?

If I get desperate.

You will, you always are. Cooking isn't that hard, bruh. I already cooked a boca meatloaf filled with fresh veggies for our dinner, with a side of green beans with almond slices. All me, all in an hour.

That sounds really good.

It always is
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Simfan34
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« Reply #724 on: September 28, 2014, 07:30:47 PM »

Maybe we're going in the wrong direction here. None of these job ideas seem to be working, minimum wage grunt work is beneath Bushie and going on disability probably is too.

That leaves an option that many men in his situation have pursued: find a reasonably industrious woman who is stably employed and also suffers from low self-esteem; convince her she needs you and you're the best thing that ever happened to her even though you're a broke, overweight, unemployed schmuck, and let her go out and bring home the bacon while you sit around the house all day doing whatever the hell you want. Dump some of your seed in her, make her have a kid by you and you two will officially be irreversibly entangled.

Poor black and white men with few skills or ambitions all across the country have gotten the steady income and roof over their head that they need by becoming Common-Law Husbands/Baby Daddies to women who deserve better but lack the self-respect to actually dump those losers and find someone else.

Jeff would do well to find a woman who is a nurse's aide or has some other comparable stable, working class job, who came from a broken home and has daddy issues. They tend to set their standards lower than they should and the fact that Jeff has no priors and doesn't use weed/meth/etc already puts him at the top of the heap. She'll pay the rent, cook and clean while you sit around all day. 'Tis the white trash way of doing things.

This is perhaps the most awful post I have read on the forum. It makes sense, yes, but it is a truly terrible proposition. To ever sentence a woman to such a fate would be utterly tragic.

I'm pretty sure it was a joke

I would think so too, but the ideal was just so myopic, so miserable...
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