Update XVII: I Ate The Strawberry (The REAL, AUTHENTIC Update)

[Bacon King]

This thread approved as the only canon update



the fact that my quote was selected for this topic only had a minor impact on my judgement in reaching this decision

[Bacon King]

Hey Bushie just a heads up, when you're asking for help from a supervisor when it's something you "should" already know, instead of asking "Could you tell me again how to do [thing]?" it's infinitely better to phrase it in this style:

"Hey, I just want to double-check. If I want to do [thing] then I should do [Part A] then [Part B], right?"

Regardless of how much you actually know, just fill in the details as best you can and ask for clarification (although if you have absolutely no clue about something you should definitely just ask, in as specific a manner as possible). This allows your supervisor to accurately gauge your comprehension of the subject so they can quickly clarify the thing you need help on without telling you stuff you already know. It's a lot easier on him to just say "yep" when you're verifying if you're on the right track, than to repeat an entire concept for you to double check for yourself.

PS what kind of projects are you working on?

[Bacon King]

Maybe Bushie should learn to grill

[Bacon King]

Could be an unplanned pregnancy.

I'm not sure Oklahoma has planned pregnancies. 

OK, let me rephrase.  Could be a pregnancy of an unmarried.

In Oklahoma it only becomes wrong if the mother is still unmarried when the baby comes out (hence the need for shotgun weddings)

[Bacon King]

Hey Jeff, have you ever considered a career at Walmart? I genuinely think it'd be a great opportunity for you. You may recall that until recently I was a Customer Service Manager there, and I can honestly say without hyperbole that you would have been far more capable and much easier to work with than at least two-thirds of my former colleagues among that management team.

Assistant Manager is the lowest salaried position with pay starting at ~$40,000 per year (i.e., after taxes, you would get around $1200 every two weeks). You also get full benefits and an annual bonus tied to store performance that is generally in the ballpark of $5,000 to $15,000. There are eight assistant managers per store, and it takes time to fill vacancies, so at any given time it's actually fairly likely for a store to have an opening in the position. You can get hired in directly as Assistant, although some store managers prefer to promote them internally (if you're hired in any hourly position, you can apply for an Assistant Manager spot after IIRC 12 months).

It's a job that would compensate you well and plays towards your strengths (and wouldn't really have as much of a way for your weaknesses to interfere). It'd be very easy for you to ensure job security and become a favorite candidate for promotion; just follow these steps:

1. Take to heart the stuff they teach you about Sam Walton's vision and philosophy in your orientation, because quoting from them is an insta-win trump card when dealing with your superiors
2. If you're doing your job right you'll be doing very little actual work- when you are told to do something by your own boss, you're supposed to "delegate" and tell your minimum wage underlings that they have to do it.
3. You have no reason to be scared of difficult customers because you are literally told to give them everything they want so they go away and stop bothering you
4. Walmart Corporate grades stores and allocates bonuses using specific performance metrics, and the store manager has to focus on those numbers above all else. If you ignore all other concerns, problems, and complaints so that you can look at the store's statistics page and find the red numbers, then do something to make the red number become green numbers, and brag about how you fixed what was obviously a serious/pressing issue, you will be looked upon as a walmart wizard and management genius.

Also, you will probably like this part, before you officially become an Assistant Manager you are grouped with other new Assistant Managers and you all stay at a hotel for four weeks so you can learn how to manager by taking an easy class in the conference room. For this 28 day period all of your meals are payed for in full by Walmart and you can eat literally anywhere you want. I've heard stories from four different manager class things, and in every single one a competition developed to see who can spend the most of Walmart's money on their extravagant restaurant purchases

But for real, I think this is the kind of job you'd like to have, I think you'd be successful doing it, and the fact that you have a college degree means you'd automatically be on the top of the pile of job applicants. Also free food!

Let me know what you think; if this is something you'd be interested in I'm totally willing to help you on this 

[Bacon King]

The BK post was the best of all of them, but how do I start at the management position?  I refuse to make minimum wage on my way to success that may or may not happen.

Three things here:

1. This is Walmart's job posting for external hire Assistant Manager Trainees. That is how you start at the management position. (Note that you specify the geographical area you can work in during the application process itself- you can stick close with the OKC area, or you can made a list of metro areas you wouldn't mind moving to and just see where they take you (they pay your travel expenses and I believe you get a stipend to help you relocate)


2. Jeff I'm here to help you and if you decide to apply hourly I wouldn't let you linger in minimum wage like that! I know how the system works- the hourly associate pay system is so easy to game if you know what you're doing. You should only apply to positions that are at level 5 or higher on the pay scale (I will tell you which ones those are) because for those jobs the computer system will increase your initial wage offer based on your education history and work experience. The extent that your past work experience boosts your pay depends on the category you put them under when providing your work history on the application (these categories will be vague and for every job there will be like five that sound applicable so I will tell you which of those gives you the best pay).

Realistically with my help I would expect you to be offered something like $10 an hour to start off in a semi-specialized position with easy and specific job requirements (such as running the photo lab, or the paint counter in hardware, or even doing the paperwork in the invoice office). Due to the industry's high turnover and some unfortunate institutionalized bigotry, you will rapidly promote up the ladder just by virtue of being a competent and uncontroversial straight white male.


3. If you decide against going the direct-to-management route and start off as an hourly employee (which might be the best option if you find yourself unable to sufficiently embellish your employment history enough to meet the experience requirements of the position) then you will typically only be given part-time hours at first. Assuming that store management does not routinely override the automated scheduling system (which would be very rare), your first month's schedule will probably be something like 5 hour shifts, 4 days a week. This would be good for you because it still gives you plenty of time for you relax and enjoy life.

You can still pursue a new CADD job too! Walmart is so gung-ho about "at-will employment" that two-week notices aren't required so you can quit whenever a better job becomes available for you. Having an easy job like this while you apply for new CADD stuff will definitely help you there, too; professional companies often shy away from hiring someone who is unemployed because of preconceived notions they have about a jobless person's (lack of) work ethic.



Sorry for rambling Jeff but long story short I gave you a link to apply for an easy job that will reward you with literally unlimited food and fat stacks of cash. Then in case you don't want to jump straight in, I revealed insider tips to give you more money and make your life easier while also setting you up for a promotion into the previously-mentioned job whenever you are ready. I concluded by noting how easy the transition would be for you while pointing out that you can use Walmart to believably claim you are hardworking and dependable in CADD interviews.

Hope this helps Jeffo

[Bacon King]

BK, I will definitely keep that in mind.   Let me look for CADD jobs outright for a little while, maybe through middle October and then if I have no good prospect, I'll go your route.  If I haven't been hired anywhere by October 15, then I'll apply at Walmart.   Thanks for the offer, I may be using it!

Unfortunately that's not really possible. Walmart is at the tail end of their big annual hiring frenzy in preparation for the holiday season. Stores are encouraged to overhire right now while there's still time for people to be properly trained in time for Black Friday. To facilitate this practice, they have a nationwide month-long hiring freeze that usually starts in the first week of October. If you're genuinely interested in this easy and lucrative gig, it's basically now or never

And again to reiterate, as an assistant manager you will get paid more while doing less work than a CADD job. If you go hourly you will have an easy job with nice hours that won't get in the way of finding a CADD gig. It's is perfect for you either way and c'mon, I have all this knowledge about how the company functions that I'll never use again, it's no fun if I can't even use my secret wisdom to help you become Jeff Brown, Store Manager Extraordinaire

[Bacon King]

I suspect Bacon King had a bad experience with WalMart and is now trying to get back at them by sending Bushie their way. Well played, sir!

I honestly enjoyed that job and I liked my store even if I hated the company. I'm very thankful for getting out when I did because if I had gotten another promotion I know I would've just given in and made a career out of it, and that's something I am very glad I didn't do

I hope to send Bushie their way because I do honestly think it'd be a good fit for him, plus it would literally be the best plot arc ever

Bushie please listen to Bacon King.

FF

[Bacon King]

BK, you've convinced me.  If you can help me through the hiring process, I'm willing to give it a try.  Let me finish this football game that's almost to the 4th quarter and I'll apply for the job and do whatever I need to do.

Awesome, just let me know what you need; we can communicate through PM if you'd prefer

[Bacon King]

It wouldn't surprise me if politicians started holding campaign rallies in Wal-Mart parking lots.

This would be great because it would inevitably cause a hilarious calamity

Walmart vigorously prohibits anything from ever happening in their parking lots except for A) parking and B) things that are specifically and explicitly approved by the store manager in advance. This strict rule lets them shoo away union stuff at the first hint of trouble and keeps potential picket lines on the far side of those giantass parking lots, except with enough vagueness that they can't claim it's specifically to target unions.

There's a 24/7 "labor relations" hotline that a store is supposed to call when anything union related happens (my computer training told me it should be called like literally any time I ever heard someone say the word "union" on the premises).

If a campaign event was happening but the shift manager forgot it had been scheduled, then saw the campaign placards from a distance and mistook them for picket signs, then it's entirely plausible State Senator whats-his-face would find his campaign event being forcibly broken up by modern-day Pinkertons

[Bacon King]

With WalMart, Bushie also won't have the excuse that Braum's was more convenient than going all the way to the grocery store.

also Walmart (in my area at least) now has fresh organic produce, which genuinely surprised me

Jeff, if you do end up in this position, please do your store's customers a favor and make sure that someone is actually at the Site-to-Store pickup counter or designate someone whose job it is to check every so often and see if someone's there.

Every time I have ever ordered something for in-store pickup, (1) there is no one at the counter, (2) the little "Touch the Screen to Alert an Associate" screen never works, (3) an endless stream of employees comes in and out of the restrooms and breakrooms right next door and no one ever asks me if I need help despite the fact that I am a non-employee standing at a counter that no employees are attending.

It's extremely irritating and it ends up taking an absurd amount of time to get what I ordered.

protip: it's a huge waste of manpower to have someone standing around back there, outside of holiday season. in store layouts that i'm familiar with (where S2S is right next to electronics, in the back) it's usually the responsibility of an electronics associate to cover that area and they hold the Palm Pilot the "Touch on Screen" alert thing goes to. This happening to you probably means there is a technical issue, or someone lost their PalmPilot. Those employees walking past you into the back room aren't going to help you because they're probably all on their breaks or lunches so they wouldn't be able to log on to find your package or process the transaction and most would have no idea how to do the S2S stuff anyway because it's kind of complicated to process correctly. Also if you were just standing there idly waiting I would have assumed you'd already been helped and you were just waiting for someone to bring your order from the backroom

Really there are two decent options you could have gone with:

A) See that S2S is unattended and nobody seems to be coming, so approach the nearest on-the-clock employee in electronics and tell them this, and they will go do it for you immediately (or immediately have someone called over who can do it for you if they can't).

B) Vociferously complain to a member of store management about this indescretion while it was happening (or immediately afterwards) so that they can fix the problem, and also they will probably give you a $20 gift card to apologize for sh**tty customer service

next time, its your choose

[Bacon King]

Bacon King certainly thinks he can.

The Wal Mart website says an assistant manager is a trainee position with requirements only being "2 or more years of college; OR 1 year retail experience."

I don't think he's actually supervising anyone. It seems more like a fancy title for "guy who checks IDs on alcohol purchases and can be trusted to unlock the video game and cough syrup cases."

King is basically right, AM's are essentially the policy-enforcing footsoldiers of the management team. A new assistant manager is like a fresh lieutenant in the army, nominally the superior officer but relying on his NCO's (the hourly supervisors) to actually make sure anything gets done. AM's are nominally responsible for everything that happens in their assigned section of the store, but in practice each of those areas is assigned its own Zone Manager who takes care of almost everything (Zones are the highest paid hourly position and it's essentially the proving ground for ambitious workers seeking to be internally promoted into a salary, so they work hard and kiss ass)

[Bacon King]

My impression of WalMart workers has been more that they simply don't give an Inks about your precious S2S purchase. Being in a hurry to help people has never been their strong point. But if you're already online, why not just have whatever you're buying shipped to your home? Or, conversely, if you prefer to go to the store, why bother going online? Are you buying something so supremely obscure that it's not ordinarily carried by The Largest Store on Earth?

The only time I saw Site 2 Store used intelligently was a customer who realized that when he ordered something that the store didn't usually carry, and cancelled the order after it was shipped to the store, that we don't really have a way of sending it back. So then we have some random thing we're not supposed to carry, messing up the inventory and taking up space, so it gets clearance'd out as quickly as possible. Several times he did this with laptops and stuff so he could come in the next day and buy it for like 50% off

also yeah if you include the website walmart literally carries everything

(ok so there's a lot of wallyworld chat in here, I am considering branching it off to a new thread)

[Bacon King]

Is that technically allowed? It's actually very clever, but seems too good to be true.

I don't know if it's allowed or even legal but he had apparently been doing it for months without being detected. I don't know if he ever got caught but Asset Protection suspected he was employed at another Walmart nearby, given how adeptly he gamed the system, so they passed the investigation up to the regional office. For like a month whenever we got anything expensive a cancelled S2S delivery we just kept it in the back room and after that he never came back.

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I think people like knowing it's there, reserved for them to take as soon as they pay it off. They get the satisfaction of kinda-sorta owning it even while they're paying it off.

The real reason Walmart has layaway is because it allows poor people with terrible credit to have their very own opportunity to live the American Dream of impulsively buying a bunch of expensive [Inks] you don't need

(ok so there's a lot of wallyworld chat in here, I am considering branching it off to a new thread)

noooo I've been really enjoying "WalMart Presents... Update!"

fair enough, I suppose Executive Producer Eraserhead has creative control of the series so it would be his call either way

[Bacon King]

I always try to see the potential in everyone. I don't think Jeff is a dumb by any means, but I do think he's unmotivated, lazy and very prideful. He doesn't have any humility and is unable to make self assessments.

Because of these flaws, he is unable to hold a job and unable to support himself. He looks at most jobs as beneath him even though his resume is in shambles, even though he has a useless degree from a pretty poor university, and even though he did poorly in CADD class which was designed for high schoolers. He was also fired after 2 months at his first CADD job because he was performing poorly. I don't understand why he feels like he is entitled to a good job when nothing he has done suggests he deserves it.

If I can play armchair psychologist for a moment, the key problem is that Bushie seems to be functionally incapable of admitting his shortcomings to himself. He becomes extremely avoidant at the slightest hint that his behaviors might need to change, and immerses himself in escapist pleasures (e.g. watching football for twelve hours) to keep himself in ignorance.

edit- JMann beat me to it, saying basically the same thing except far better than I could

[Bacon King]

I think I will do my Update Studies thesis on the underlying thematic subtext illustrated here. This archetypical representation of the modern Southern man is effectively reduced to uselessness by a society that maintains strict adherence to traditional gender roles in the face of globalizing economic forces that remove the traditional opportunities that men once used to provide for their families. It is a helplessness so severe that two men must compete even for the role of placing ice into cups, which seemingly allows a marginal, ceremonial sort of relevance. Truly in such times there is no surprise that man can find solance nowhere but God.

As far as the cooking, Mom and my Aunt both help Grandma, so really, it's a 3-person effort.  Either my uncle or I helps by putting the ice in the glasses and pouring the tea.  If there's any carving to do (like the turkey at Thanksgiving), Dad always does that with the electric knife.

[Bacon King]

I don't dare drink water on the road, especially on the turnpike where there are only two places to use the restroom.   Pepsi and/or Coke doesn't make me go to the bathroom as much as water.

That's scientifically impossible because Pepsi/Coke is basically water plus two diuretics (i.e. sugar and caffeine)

[Bacon King]

What exactly were you designing in your last job and what will you be designing in this next one?

[Bacon King]

Here is what I just shared with J-Mann about why I keep going back to customer service.  Any friendly advice would be helpful.

I have had a little success in the call centers, especially technical support call centers.  I was at Dell for an entire year with no problem and was only let go because I couldn't pass the Security+ Certification.  I was also at ONG for 2 years with no problem and that was customer service all the way, though not all call center.  I don't really want call centers, and I want CAD jobs, but those are hard to come by and I need a job.  So, I feel I have to open myself up to jobs that are less than pleasant.  I don't want to stay on my parent's financial ledger, and a lot of times I choose desperation over preferred.  I know there are other jobs out there, but I don't know what to look for.

Wait, wait wait.. lets pump the breaks here real quick. In past seasons, you told us they were getting ready to let you go at ONG. So how does that translate to being there with "no problems"?

Bushie likes to change the narrative to whatever is going to work best/sound nicest for the situation. 

Are we lambasting him for throwing away a steady job to chase a scam?  It's okay, guys.  I was on my last legs at ONG, anyway, and Dad said yadda yadda yadda

Now we are confronting him about looking into customer service AGAIN after he swore it off not one week ago?  It's okay, guys.  I was a model customer service representative at ONG for TWO years, and all I have to do is believe in yadda yadda God blah blah Dad. 

It's classic Update material. 

(I'm sorry for being more caustic than normal with you, Jeff, but you really need a reality check right now.  Take a spa day and have some herbal tea and reflect.  I'm serious.)

There's also the fact he was only at Dell for 2 months