Update for Everyone III - The Whinge Binge

[HagridOfTheDeep]

Congrats, Thomas.

Me and my guy are still going strong. Spent the last two days together at my place. Went over to a mutual friend's house last night for some drunken tomfoolery. Things are good!

[HagridOfTheDeep]

I was coming here to complain about something, but that's damn tragic. I'm sorry to hear it. It definitely puts my six weeks away from Tommy in perspective.

[HagridOfTheDeep]

^Cool, are you hot?



Also, I just completed my first day of practicum in a grade 4/5 class! It was pretty nerve-wracking during the weeks leading up to today, but in all, I shouldn't have been nervous. I'm doing my placement with an awesome teacher and the class is great. I'm excited.

The only problem is, I'm living at home with my parents for six weeks. This isn't ideal. I've loved teachers' college this year, and it sucks to give up my independence and my bachelor apartment for so long. I also hate being away from my guyfriend. We spent, like, the last four weekends together. We usually see each other every day. So... it's weird not seeing him, even though I've only known him since the beginning of September. I'm also worried that I'm probably missing him more than he's missing me, but I guess that's an insecurity that most people deal with...?

[HagridOfTheDeep]

Got back from homecoming. Spent it with my guy. We were late for all our engagements because we were busy doing other stuff. Oh well!

[HagridOfTheDeep]

I'm really sad. My school placement is going well, but living with my parents away from everyone is so awful. My guyfriend got to stay in our university town and today he told me he had one of the best days ever. I'm happy for him, but... I feel weird not being a part of it. It's hard... I miss him, but he's keeping busy enough to not miss me as much. I just want this next chunk of four weeks to be over.

[HagridOfTheDeep]

I'm in such a bad mood, stressed about so many things. The only person who can make it better and give me a hug is three hours away.

And the person I'd normally spill my guts to (someone else) also happens to be someone who stresses me out even more. To the point that I don't even know if it's worth starting a conversation with this person for a long, long time.

I dunno. I was doing so well back at school after a horrible summer. To be back at home sucks. Borderline depressing.

[HagridOfTheDeep]

Well, I was using the term "guyfriend" here because me and Tommy weren't official, but I'm happy to report that we're now boyfriends. So happy. And only two more weeks until I'm back in Kingston...!

[HagridOfTheDeep]

I got a real Christmas tree for my apartment! Tommy and I are gonna make paper ornaments for it using ideas from Pinterest. Pretty exciting stuff...

[HagridOfTheDeep]

Spending ridiculous amounts of money on meals out with Tommy, but whatever. My bigger concern is the disgusting amount of calories I consumed today.

[HagridOfTheDeep]

So I might be distantly related to Deval Patrick.

I might be too.

[HagridOfTheDeep]

Well, I'm more just being a smart ass. "Might be" and "distantly" are qualifiers that leave things pretty loose...

[HagridOfTheDeep]

I've been home a day for the holidays. Forgot how stressful it is to live here. I should have known better, but I guess I let myself fall for the idea that this time would be different.

[HagridOfTheDeep]

So, I've been trying to lose weight since the summer. On August 2nd, after a family reunion that saw me eat way too much, I weighed 214 lbs. It was so gross and embarrassing.

I bring this up because the other morning I weighed 182 lbs. I know it's kinda cheap to compare a morning weight against a bloated end-of-day weight, but it made me feel so good about myself. I've been cutting out crappy food and trying to limit how much I eat. Anyway, I just weighed myself now after two days of gorging on turkey, Chinese food, and desserts, and it came up as 188. It's a pretty crappy feeling. I know I'll weigh less when it's all properly out of my system, but it's amazing how much of a number it can do on a person's self-esteem. Gah. I just want to look good, but right now I kinda hate myself.

[HagridOfTheDeep]

Observation: if someone likes me, or if I am admitted into something, or otherwise thinks highly of something I've done, I question their judgement and my opinion of them usually dims considerably. Sort of like Groucho Marx when he mentioned that he wouldn't join any club that would let him in.

"I did well? He must be a lax grader."

"I was accepted? They must let everyone in."

"Oh, she doesn't dislike me? Well then, she is too blasé."

Also, I managed to give myself a haircut the other day.

I have the same problem. I'm trying to force myself out of it (or force it out of me), and you should too.

But I don't find it believable. I'm not that great, one might say a "loser" or a "dweeb", if you would. At the same time, why are so many people so unreliable and untrustworthy?

I sound terribly dramatic. I apologise.

Don't apologize. For me, my low self-esteem is mostly related to how I look and, in some cases, my poor work ethic. It sometimes makes it hard for me to have a boyfriend that I consider cute and hardworking. I need his reassurances that I'm still okay far more often than I should, and I thank my lucky stars that he doesn't seem to mind my occasional lack of confidence.




On another note, I'm applying for graduate programs in education, but I'm finding it extremely difficult and stressful to secure letters of recommendation. Taking this route was never my plan, so I didn't take time to build good relationships with my profs in undergrad. I have classes that I did really well in, but I feel weird contacting the instructors out of the blue. Ideally I would've been meeting with these people over the last couple months to build some sort of rapport, but this decision is recent and I didn't think to do it. What's more, one of the few profs who does know me has not even replied to my inquiry about a letter. It's a crappy feeling. Couple that with the fact that my marks were not fantastic (I always did well on papers but took the hit on participation marks and attendance), and I'm just not feeling good about myself.

And another note, I'm getting more and more nervous for May when me and Tommy graduate and have to confront "the future" head on. Bleh.

[HagridOfTheDeep]

Finished applying to the Masters of Education program at my current university. Should be interesting. I did not thrive in undergrad, and I'm afraid my willing sacrifice of participation and attendance marks might bite me in the ass, but whatever.

[HagridOfTheDeep]

Well, I just got another grad school app in, this time to the University of British Columbia. Good times. I think my statement was excellent, so I'm narcissistic enough to believe I'll get in.

Maybe that's bad.

[HagridOfTheDeep]

Just booked a trip to Manhattan with the boyfriend. I'm excited!

[HagridOfTheDeep]

So, this is a bit old (end of January), but it's something I really wanna share, because it's definitely a highlight of my ~4.5 years at school in Kingston.

For those of you who don't know, Kingston, Ontario is right at the east end of Lake Ontario where it starts to narrow into the St. Lawrence River. When we have especially cold winters like this one, the lake freezes over (this wouldn't happen in Toronto). Usually it's pretty windy and the temperature fluctuates over and under 0 for a while before the water ultimately freezes, but this year was special. I guess the temperature dropped fast enough on a calm day for us to get exceptionally clear and smooth ice. It has been great for people who want to skate or hike on the lake.

So for the first time, my friends and I decided to explore the surface of Lake Ontario. It was so cool. Although most of the ice was covered in snow, the wind created a number of pockets, almost like windows, of clear ice. You could see straight down to the bottom in many places (admittedly we didn't stray too far from the shore), and the air bubbles in the ice are stunning. Many people were out playing hockey, and one family even set up a fire on the ice, over which they were cooking fondue. We crashed their party and got to try shots of maple syrup whiskey (#noregrets).

I just feel so lucky to live in such a great place!

[HagridOfTheDeep]

Isn't that photo between the shore and Toronto Island? I don't know if that makes a difference though, lol. I never did physical geography. I do remember growing up by the Credit River in Mississauga, and the water would freeze there but the ice was always broken up at the mouth of the river on the lake.

It fascinates me, though. I'm glad we're back to having more old-fashioned winters.

[HagridOfTheDeep]

Well, my boyfriend and I just had a spirited discussion about whether it's okay to alter classic children's books for political correctness. Logically I know I was on the wrong side, but emotionally it just feels wrong to change the words of Dr. Seuss and still ascribe the new version to the author. "Policeman in a pail" is not the end of the world.

[HagridOfTheDeep]

Just got into the Queen's M.Ed program! Pretty great birthday present.

[HagridOfTheDeep]

Heading to New York City with my boyfriend on Friday! I'm really looking forward to it. Teaching a grade 2/3 class for the last four weeks has been so much.

And if anyone's in the area, let me know! Could be fun. Plus, suggestions re: things we should do would be much appreciated.

[HagridOfTheDeep]

My boyfriend has recently decided to start getting mad at me and arguing with me about really stupid things. It's quite fun. Apparently my not wanting to wear gloves when doing the dishes is apocalyptic. Who knew?

[HagridOfTheDeep]

I just learned that my dream school doesn't offer funding to any of its M.Ed. students. No where on the website did it say that; it instead mentioned that funding is common and asked me on my application if I wished to be considered for financial support. It was my understanding that most universities usually support their graduate students due to the intensity of the work, so I just assumed information about a funding package would be on its way. Nope. The kicker? Had I simply selected the M.A. program track in the same area of study on my application, money would've been made available. I'm so pissed.

So now I have to decide between making the move to the University of British Columbia, which was already going to be a bit daunting to me, or staying at Queen's for my third (!) degree where I'll receive between $5,000 and $10,000 a year. Basically, a better program with hugely expensive tuition and more student debt, or a worse program with tuition almost paid for.

I'm really upset. Never in my life have I ever felt comfortable doing something crazy. Doing the risky, spontaneous, interesting thing. Finally I thought everything was falling in line for me to do something different and move out West, and now this information comes along and makes the decision so much more difficult. I already turned down a lot of money for my undergrad to go to what I thought was the better school. I don't regret it, but there comes a point where financial responsibility starts to be more of a consideration.

Plus, even if I could overlook the money situation, part of me just doesn't want to go to UBC anymore because I can't believe how deceptive they were about funding.

[HagridOfTheDeep]

Well, I've often said I learned more here than I did for school during undergrad. Unfortunately this place has never seemed résumé-appropriate...