The CrabCake Bureau of Funny Post Archival

[🦀🎂🦀🎂]

Context (this is an AAD post that must be xposted): HD uses the phrase 'fistbump'. Winjammer responds:

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[I spent the winter writing songs about getting better]

Literally Beet right now:

[Antonio the Sixth]

Context (this is an AAD post that must be xposted): HD uses the phrase 'fistbump'. Winjammer responds:

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hahahaha

[Oswald Acted Alone, You Kook]

The bird represents Sneakers O’Toole.  Just like everyone wanted Sneakers O’Toole to leave his sneakers behind, the Sanders crowd wanted the bird to leave Bernie’s podium behind.

The one difference being that the stakes are higher for the bird, seeing as how its refusal to leave the podium could result in the election of Hillary Clinton.  In contrast, what’s the worst that can happen for Mr. O’Toole?  People on the sidewalk get annoyed by his singing?

[Antonio the Sixth]

https://uselectionatlas.org/FORUM/index.php?topic=233215.0

[This account no longer in use.]

Another unintentionally funny post:

Here's how I'd write her concession speech should the unthinkable happen:

"I just called President-elect Trump to congratulate him on the Tumblr Left handing him the Presidency. Because they believed right-wing smears about Benghazi and emails, Bernie Sanders has won the nomination, and as we've seen in every election since 2010, Americans will gladly choose a racist over a socialist. I just hope our country and its minority citizens survive the next four years. Thanks for your support, and god help America!"

[Antonio the Sixth]

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Are these lyrics pro or anti Britain's underwater nuclear sea deterrent programme Trident?

[Mr. Smith]

Context:

No. Why don't people get normal hobbies like obsessively reading about by-elections in foreign countries?

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

The panhandle, obviously.

Well, they voted for a socialist after all.

A liberal paradise where owining more than five shotguns is illegal and gays face only life in prison.

Don't be ridiculous. It's not illegal to own more than five; it's just legal not to. What are you, some kind of pinko?

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

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Governor Kalwejt has a troubling history of slandering his opponents, ruining the careers of young, brilliant politicians like Tender, OC and Retromike. He builds his success on lies and fabrications. Don't let him get away with it!

I'm Antonio V. and I approve of this message.

[Antonio the Sixth]

I guess the rest of my life I'll be labeled a conservadem.

You do realize that you're not stuck forever with the political identity that you were born with, right?  With hormone therapy, you could do a full transition to conservative.  (Too soon?)

[This account no longer in use.]

Context:

I support only killing a woman in the cases of rape, incest, and in the life of the mother. (moderate hero)

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Context:

Yes, I think it's very likely.  Eating pizza with his hands will humanize him in a way that his campaign has struggled to do.   

[Sprouts Farmers Market ✘]

I've been avoiding saying this for the longest time in fear of the usual suspects calling me an AAD hack in spite of rarely posting there, but this mine has become an utter disaster. Can we please get a better sense of humour? Posts that barely make me snicker (and I laugh at everything) do not need to be saved for all times.

[Landslide Lyndon]

I've been avoiding saying this for the longest time in fear of the usual suspects calling me an AAD hack in spite of rarely posting there, but this mine has become an utter disaster. Can we please get a better sense of humour? Posts that barely make me snicker (and I laugh at everything) do not need to be saved for all times.

Gone are the days when posters like King, Al and Lunar dominated the goldmine threads.
Sad!

[This account no longer in use.]

I've been avoiding saying this for the longest time in fear of the usual suspects calling me an AAD hack in spite of rarely posting there, but this mine has become an utter disaster. Can we please get a better sense of humour? Posts that barely make me snicker (and I laugh at everything) do not need to be saved for all times.

This is very much true. Some posts here do still make me chuckle, but AAD tends to be funnier.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

I've been avoiding saying this for the longest time in fear of the usual suspects calling me an AAD hack in spite of rarely posting there, but this mine has become an utter disaster. Can we please get a better sense of humour? Posts that barely make me snicker (and I laugh at everything) do not need to be saved for all times.

Gone are the days when posters like King, Al and Lunar dominated the goldmine threads.
Sad!

Nothing lasts forever. Just like the days when Landslide Lyndon was still able to make a coherent post.
Sad!

[Figueira]

I'm not really sure where to put this, but it was funny, so I'll put it here.

For context: Ten years ago I was 12 years old in sixth grade and I was a big fan of the Apprentice.

[2006 me steps out of DeLorean]
2006 me: Hey! Wow, your hair is super short!
Current me: Yeah, it's not pleasant to go backpacking with hippie hair.
2006 me: You go backpacking? That's so cool!
Current me: Mhm. Plus, in the next ten years, you get to travel all over the world, so that's pretty awesome.
2006 me: Wow! I can't wait. So, you should be just about to graduate college, right?
Current me: Yep. UW.
2006 me: Ugh! Barf! UW, really?
Current me: Well, it was either that or St. Andrews in Scotland.
2006 me: YOU COULD HAVE LIVED IN SCOTLAND AND YOU STAYED HERE? I HATE YOU! Oh, and that reminds me, you know how Harry Potter ends! Is it awesome?
Current me: It's pretty great, yeah. Plus, they're still doing some stuff with the series, like they're making a movie of Fantastic Beasts and a play about Harry's son.
2006 me: Ooh. That's cool. How has the world changed? Are there any new inventions?
Current me: Well, you know that phone that Apple's making? They've made a bigger, worse one that everyone thinks is great. Also, they have these electric skateboard things that everyone seems to like. Electric cars have gotten way better. Also, MySpace has been replaced by a different site called Facebook which is much less creepy. Oh, and there's a thing called Netflix now, where you can watch pretty much all of your TV shows whenever you want without having to buy the DVDs.
2006 me: So, pretty much the same?
Current me: Yeah, but I think we're supposed to be talking about politics, which have gotten really interesting.
2006 me: More interesting than Dick Cheney shooting a guy in the face?
Current me: Well the election this year is probably going to be between Hillary Clinton and - get this - Donald Trump.
2006 me: OH MY GOD DONALD TRUMP?! That's awesome! Who are you going to vote for?
Current me: Well, Trump's running on this freaky platform that involves punishing women for abortions, deporting all undocumented immigrants and their families, and banning all Muslims from entering the country.
2006 me: What? Donald would never do that!
Current me: I think he's kind of playing a character to get votes.
2006 me: Yeah, probably. So what else has happened?
Current me: Well, gay marriage is legal nation-wide and we have a black president.
2006 me: Wow, really? So, is everybody just like hunky-dory with everyone else and there's like no social conflict?
Current me: No. Gay rights just became way more mainstream around 2012-2013, and the Supreme Court made it nation-wide last year. Obama (that's our president) ran in 2008 against Hillary Clinton, who everyone thought would win, but managed to pull out an upset. Then the economy collapsed in the fall, and he won pretty easily on economic and Iraq War resentment. He made Hillary his Secretary of State in the end.
2006 me: So, is he a pretty good president, then?
Current me: He's gotten better. He started off with complete control of the legislature, but only managed to pass a healthcare law. Since then, Congress has gone back to the Republicans, but he's actually managed to get through some small but decent reforms in the past few years.
2006 me: So he won re-election in 2012. How did that go.
Current me: Not a super interesting election. There was a funny bit when the Republican, who was this super rich guy, got caught on film saying that half of America has no sense of personal responsibility and think they're victims because they're poor.
2006 me: Ha!
Current me: Oh, and Bush's brother also ran for President and did terribly in the primary.
2006 me: Not surprising. Isn't he super conservative? I can't imagine the Republicans voting for someone that right-wing.
Current me: No, he actually lost because he was seen as too moderate and weak.
2006 me: Wow. So, how did the wars go?
Current me: Well, Obama ended the war in Iraq, but then Syria had a civil war and this group called ISIL formed as a merger between Al-Qaeda and a couple other groups and have taken over a bunch of Iraq. Fortunately it looks like they're kind of on the retreat right now. We did manage to get Bin Laden, but he was in Pakistan all along, and actually in a city right down the street from a military academy and not in a cave in the mountains.
2006 me: Haha. Really? Anything else interesting going on the world?
Current me: Well, Putin discovered his inner Napoleon and has invaded two countries in the last eight years.
2006 me: Dang.
Current me: But on a good note, we're normalizing relations with Cuba, and you actually got to go there.
2006 me: Oh man, that's awesome. And North Korea and Iran?
Current me: North Korea gets the bomb, but hasn't really done anything with it. Kim Jong-Il dies and is replaced with his weird son. Iran has a bunch of protests in 2009, but they don't really amount to anything. They get a new president in 2013, who's a lot better than Ahmadinejad and we just negotiated a deal with them on their nuclear program, so that good. Also, one thing you probably don't see coming is that there's a huge wave of democratic protests in the Arab World in 2011. 
2006 me: Oh, so it's like 1989 all over again? That's great!
Current me: Not quite. In Tunisia, it's been pretty smooth, but Egypt has had like two or three revolutions and is under a military dictatorship now, the President of Syria gassed his own citizens, Yemen's an absolute catastrophe, but Libya managed to overthrow Gaddafi in a civil war (with some help from NATO) but they're still pretty much at war amongst themselves.
2006 me: Yikes, well, at least it sounds a bit better than it is now.
Current me:  There's also a problem from all of the refugees from these conflicts coming into Europe. The far-right groups have been really playing on people's fears of terrorism and have been doing scarily well.
2006 me: That's not good. How far right are they?
Current me: Meh. They're not Hitler-Mussolini levels of bad, but they're way to the right of Cheney and Bush.
2006 me: I don't even know what that would be. So, the world's just about as bad off as it is now.
Current me: Yeah. But I'm pretty optimistic. It's not like we're going to war with China, and Russia's just kind of being petulant right now. Terrorism still exists, but it doesn't have the constant fear-inducing nature that it did in the 2000s.
2006 me: Okay. Well, at least we haven't gone to nuclear war, and that's all you can really ask for, right?
Current me: Yeah. Well, I guess that's about it. Oh, and before you go, one last thing!
2006 me: Yeah?
Current me: Middle school can be terrible. Be nice to your friends, since they're pretty much all the same friends you have now.
2006 me: Sounds good! Bye! [Flies off in DeLorean]
Current me: Why didn't they have time-traveling, flying DeLoreans when I was in middle school?

[Maxwell]

Looks like the trend is pro-Cruz - Wisconsin might get really ugly for the Trumpster.

It seems to be a complete Trumpster fire.

[Crumpets]

*2006 me falls out of my time traveling backyard oak tree*

Me: What the #*@(?
2006 me: Oh hi Ginny! I didn't think this would work! I'm here! Wow, this is a nice garden.
Me: Thanks. What do you want?
2006 me: This is important. I don't have much time - Did that Obama guy actually run for president?
Me: Oh yes, and he won too, and in a whiny fit, the GOP brought the govt to a halt for the next 6 years!
2006 me: Wow, that's terrible!
Me: Hey, can you hand me that shovel and quick lime over there?
2006 me: Sure, here you go. What's it fo...

*thump*
*crack*

me: Sorry ginny, can't have another me running around out here getting into trouble. I have a good thing going here!

*steals past me's shoes*
*begins digging shallow grave in garden bed*

..... 4 months later .....

me: This tomato is delicious! I never thought time traveling humans would make such great fertilizer!

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

Cut him some slack! The poor boy clearly has PTSD from his scary encounter with College LGBT groups, and needs a safe space.

[Virginiá]

Thread: George Mason University to Rename Law School after Antonin Scalia

No, we should only name things after liberals.

nah, i'd be perfectly fine naming, say, a landfill after scalia

[Antonio the Sixth]

Context:

So in short, the ASSoL.

[Antonio the Sixth]

HE HAS SPOKEN

Disney just announced Justice League v Avengers. CIVIL WAR and Galactus will be introduced. As Supe starts to bad. And continue it in Justice League I.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

petition to create a safespace subforum for posters who are triggered by milquetoast social-democracy

x evergreen