The CrabCake Bureau of Funny Post Archival

[Mr. Smith]

WalterMitty is the only left-winger on this forum, unlike right-wing populists like TNF and Snowstalker.

[Mr. Smith]

Birthday celebrations are a concoction of the bourgeois establishment to distract us from the class struggle and this thread should be locked. 

[Mr. Smith]

Obviously a vampire because they're immortal, duh. If they were around when Lincoln was a Vampire Hunter they were probably around when Pierce  was president.

And I guess vampires vote Democrat because the Party of Lincoln is seen as hostile to Vampires.

[Mr. Smith]

he's good people

Surprisingly funny, in spite of it probably being messed up.

[Mr. Smith]

This thread nicely completes the dialectical framework: you've got a thesis, and antithesis and a synthesis.

[Mr. Smith]

No, after college I will find 100 people who share my exact positions on every issue and we'll move to North Dakota and not have any contact with the outside world.

[Mr. Smith]

Freedom word. It brings me back to the heady days of October 2012, when a resurgent Mitt Romney was trying to steal the election so that he could fulfill the White Horse Prophecy and put his morman cult in full control of the federal government. But Barack Obama, the plucky underdog that he was, held strong in the Ohio firewall, despite all of Mitt Romney's racist attack ads, and prevailed. It was beautiful. It still brings tears to my eyes. For the first time, I was truly proud of my country.

Regardless of the intent, this one's hilarious.

[Mr. Smith]

Why is this man's mouth always dry. Good speach but I just couldn't help but notice he was in dire need of water by the half way mark.

He'll get better. Soon his mouth will learn to water itself when he starts speaking. By the end of the primaries he will be slobbering whenever he speaks.

[Mr. Smith]

Men and women are both awful. The only true love in universe is raw precinct data and maps.

[Mr. Smith]

Why do black olives come in cans, but green olives come in glass jars?
Racism! just another example of the darker ones being oppressed!
I need sleep...

[Mr. Smith]

Context:

I demand to know where Hillary Clinton was when this accident took place. Also, we need to see any and all emails sent before, during and after the accident. What is she hiding from us now?

[Mr. Smith]

Three girls once walked into my room while a picture of IceSpear kissing Hillary Clinton was on the screen. As a result, I literally had to alt-tab as quick as I could and act like they walked in on me looking at porn - because let's be real here, it'd be much easier and much less shameful to explain.

[Mr. Smith]

It's never too early to pick Hillary!

Sincerely,
Hillary '08 supporter

Also, Al Gore is looking old.

He looks like he has aged 30 years since the 2000 election.

Well, he was elected President by the American voters.

[Mr. Smith]

On the subject of whether the U.S. flag:

Represents a country comprised of humans. As such, it's irreversibly tainted. Horrible flag.

[Mr. Smith]

And this exchange is why CrabCake is the namesake of this place.

I would be remiss if I didn't point out that "wherefore art thou" actually means "why are you"
/nerdism

FREEBIRD
O IceSpear, IceSpear! Wherefore art thou IceSpear?
Deny thy Clinton and refuse thy political affiliation.
Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,
And I’ll no longer be a Libertarian.

[Mr. Smith]

Option 3, I'm very sensitive about my safe space.

There's at least six of you. You go around, with drugs, creating crime, raping our women*, and taking jobs of hard working Atlasians. And - and, yes, it's true, you do that - I assume some of you are good people. I hate to do it, but we have to deport you. I hate to do it to good people, but - listen, all the other countries get to have borders, but we don't. We have to have borders. We have to be a country. Our mods are stupid, and the ones that send you are very, very smart. We can't be stupid. We need to make a deal with them, and we need to kill you, and we need to make them pay for it, so we can make America great again!

*(as if sexist Atlas has women)

Kingpolean's really got the Trump shtick down, and this one takes the cake

[Mr. Smith]

Absolutely. It shocks me to see that so many people would support, and vote for, a corrupt, pandering liar like Hillary Clinton.

They're all corrupt pandering liars. That's the job. I support the most competent corrupt pandering liar.

[Mr. Smith]

Context:

If only the good guys had a drunk monkey with a knife...

[Mr. Smith]

Context:

No. Why don't people get normal hobbies like obsessively reading about by-elections in foreign countries?

[Mr. Smith]

You can be whatever you want.  That's why it's called self identification. 

Can I be a trans-leftist?

Eww no, don't want you in the same bathroom as me.

Dammit Kal, I was just about to post that!

[Mr. Smith]

Yes. It was 1990, the year of first direct presidential election in Poland and I was two years old. I don't actually remember it, but I was being frequently reminded of this over the years. As a young kid I was a big fan of Lech Wałęsa, not because I know anything of him politically, but because I really liked his moustache (five years later I cried when he lost reelection). So I broke the electoral silence (no agitation for two days before polling day) multiple times that weekend by shouting in every public place we went "Wałęsa for President!" (which I was badly misspelling). My parents, who supported Tadeusz Mazowiecki, were doubly embarrassed.

No, I wasn't indicted, just like Bill.

[Mr. Smith]

Nice guy, HP.

[Mr. Smith]

I guess I'll be the asshole who asks it first: how will this affect the election?

Wouldn't be surprised if Ross and Cooper were sunk at this point.

MormDem, I knew Talleyrand.  I was here when Talleyrand posted regularly.  Talleyrand was a friend of mine.  MormDem, you are no Talleyrand.

Gotta admit, that was actually pretty funny.

[Mr. Smith]

Not surprised by this at all.

Kinda hard not to get Mean Girls vibes out of some of his actions.

Clinton: "My Social Security payroll contribution will go up, as will Donald’s, assuming he can’t figure out how to get out of it...”

Trump: "This girl is the nastiest skank b*tch I've ever met. Do not trust her. She is a fugly slut!"

Even funnier is how true it is.

[Mr. Smith]

Its like my great aunt who has been lutheran, jehovahs witness, and Catholic.  It was quite amazing how fast she just adopted the tenants of each religion...but damn she can cook and she's a hoot to boot!  Can you cook beet?  Are you any fun?