The CrabCake Bureau of Funny Post Archival

[mencken]

All of a sudden, Joe Biden comes out of nowhere and announces he'll be running for president an hour or so before the start of the debate. He appears on stage and destabilizes the whole game.  

No, don’t announce it an hour before the debate.  Have it be a surprise.  The debate will include questions submitted via Facebook.  So what if the first question is this?:

“Tonight represents a chance for the American people to see all of the Democratic candidates for president engage in rhetorical combat at the highest level.  So why is there one candidate missing from the stage?”

Anderson Cooper: I’m sorry, but Larry Lessig didn’t meet our criteria for inclusion.

Biden's voice from offstage: I’m not talking about Larry Lessig.

(Biden strolls onto stage)

Biden: I’m talking about the Vice President of the United States.

(everyone gasps)

Biden: Now let’s cut the malarky and get to why I’m here.  I’m here to declare my candidacy for president of the United States.

(Biden points to O’Malley)

Biden: Now move over Marty, I’m talking that spot.

[mencken]

...He tried to Build a Wall so they could not break Free...

[mencken]

Which side will you take in the pending civil war?
House tiebreaker vote megathread
Will Trump's comments that he will go door to door killing every first born child finally do him in?
Write Jim Gilmore's inaugural speech
Did Hillary Clinton play spoiler to Jill Stein in Florida?
Gavin Newsome for Castro's VP in 2020?
Predict the date that the Russians/Chinese/Mexicans/Canadians/Brits/French will invade
Was Cruz not conservative enough?
How the f[inks] did Jim Webb pull it off?
Texas secession megathread
Did Sanders's endorsement of Trump sway the election?

[mencken]

What are these New York values and how is saying someone embodies them even an attack at all?

New York values are liberal, secular and out-of-touch with the rest of the country, especially what New Yorkers often deride as "flyover country", like Iowa.  That's what Cruz meant.  It should go over well in Iowa.

How the hell would you know what goes over well in Iowa? I'm sick and tired of you elitist New Yorkers thinking you know and understand the good-natured, salt of the earth people in Iowa.

[mencken]

He is a moderate who disappointed and rejected conservatives. Who care?

If Paul Ryan is a moderate, then I suppose Susan Collins is a fiery Maoist.

[mencken]

Please don't merge this with the other thread specifically on his wife. I know it's the same interview, but this encompasses more. I couldn't find the transcript so I made it myself.


Interview between Donald Trump and George Stephanopoulos on ABC News:


George Stephanopoulos — There was a man named Khizr Khan speaking at the Democratic Convention... his son, Captain Humayun Khan, was killed serving in Iraq and he has some very tough questions for you. He said you wouldn't have even let his son in America... [cut off]


Donald Trump — He doesn't know, he doesn't know that. I saw him, he was, you know, very emotional and probably looked like, uh, a nice guy to me. His wife, uh, if you look at his wife, she was standing there, she had nothing to say. She probably, maybe she wasn't allowed to have anything to say. You tell me, but plenty of people have written that. Uh, she, uh, she was extremely quiet and it looked like she had nothing to say. A lot of people have said that, uh, and personally, uh, I watched him, I wish him the best of luck George.


George Stephanopoulos — What would you say to that father?


Donald Trump — Well, I'd say we've had a lot of problems with Radical Islamic Terrorism, that's what I'd say. We have a lot of problems where, you look at San Bernadino; you look at Orlando; you look at the World Trade enter; you look at so many different things. You look at what happened to the priest over the weekend, in Paris, where his throat was cut. 85 year old. Beloved catholic priest. you look at what happened in Niece, France, a couple of weeks ago. Uh, I'd say, you gotta take a look at that, because something's going on and it's not good.


George Stephanopoulos — He said you've sacrificed nothing and no one.


Donald Trump — Well, that sounds, uh, who wrote that? Did, uh, Hillary's, uh, script writers write it?


George Stephanopoulos — How would you answer that father? What sacrifice have you made for your country?


Donald Trump — I think I've made a lot of sacrifices. Uh, I worked very, very hard, I've created thousands and thousands of jobs, tens of thousands of jobs. Uh, I think I've done a lot.


George Stephanopoulos — Those are sacrifices?


Donald Trump — Oh, sure, I think they're sacrifices. I think when I can employ thousands and thousands of people, take care of their education, take care of so many things, even in military, I mean, I was very responsible, along with a group of people for getting the Vietnam memorial built in downtown Manhattan, which, to this day, people thank me for. Uh, I raised, and I have raised, millions of dollars for the vets. I'm helping the vets a lot. I think my popularity with the vets is through the roof.


So in a single interview, Trump said that he would let the Khans into the country (false if he ban Muslims from entering the country), accuse Khizr Khan of silencing his wife (his wife said she didn't want to speak 'cause she gets emotional when she talks about her son's death), tell Khan that Islamic Terrorism is a big issue if he got to meet him, and say that he has sacrificed for the country because he has made jobs. Well done. I hope this wonderful man becomes president.

Why didn't Trump talk about the sacrifices he made dodging STDs? He's seemed very proud of it on previous occasions.

[mencken]

Nearly spat out my drink at this:

RIP Kasich 2020

If he consolidates the sane vote, he could eke out a winning plurality again Donald Trump Jr., Joe Arpaio, Pepe the Frog, Steve King, and Milo.

[mencken]

Why has Statespoll not been banned?

you should be banned, not me

Ebsy, are you OK? Make a noise if you survived that burn.

[mencken]

Wow...

Hey Vox, can you make a thread about my whether my ex girlfriend should get back with her ex?

[mencken]

Sell SoCal, Arizona, and New Mexico back to Mexico. They use up too much of our water and fail to contribute to our intellectual life. Texas can be allowed to go its "own way" provided that such is to act as an American-friendly petro-state that votes with as at the U.N. (thinking of Iran before 1979). Poppy can serve as a sickly, Shah-like figure facing off against radical anti-Western rebels such as Ayatollah Cruzmeini.

[mencken]

Seem to fit the narrative that Romney was a Western Republican and Trump is an Eastern Republican.

A bit of a brick joke.