New Timeline 1956

[Ebowed]

Cut to 1956.  On the eve of President Dwight Eisenhower's re-election campaign, where everyone is sure he'll win (his approval rating is 64% and the polls say he'd win 57% over Stevenson), Eisenhower suddenly sees his re-election chances crumble before the nation.

The Communist Party of Vermont in 1956 was headed by Alan Q. Engle, a rich alcoholic who was known to do stuff that he wasn't totally sure he was doing.  On September 4, 1956, Engle officially endorsed Eisenhower for president.  He ad-libbed a speech, drunk, on Vermont television.  Word of mouth had its effect and soon the speech was all over national radios, televisions, and newspapers.  Engle stated:

"It is time that we put more control into the government.  We must control all that people do!  What they buy, what they learn, how the live.  It must all be controlled.  That is why, as a proud Communist, I endorse Michael Eisenhower for President, and Dwight Nixon for Vice President!"

Engle, not good with names, had made his point clear.  Michael Eisnehower (really President Eisenhower) was the candidate for... gasp... Communists.  This was solidified when the USSR, its leader suffering the effects of over consuming Vodka, also endorsed Eisenhower.

Stevenson went around the country making speeches, his campaign energized.  "Nobody likes Ike anymore!  He's a COMMIE!!"  Wild clapping followed.  Eisenhower's approval rating was down to 27%.  Only 21% of polled people said they'd vote for him.

Eisenhower was able to make some gains as the election came closer, stating that he refused to accept any endorsements from Communists.  His approval rating rose as the effect of the first endorsement began to fade.  Ike's fans had hope: he might be able to recover.

But he didn't recover fast enough.  Election Day polls showed him losing with 46% of the vote.  The actual popular vote was closer:

Adlai Stevenson/Estes Kefauver: 52.21%, 493 EV
Dwight Eisenhower/Richard Nixon: 47.10%, 38 EV



How will Adlai Stevenson do as president?  Will the Vermont Communists lose their power in the national media?  What ridiculous thing will happen next?  STAY TUNED!

[Ebowed]

In March 1957, Adlai Stevenson resigned.  He stated in his resignation speech that "It is time for America to have another new leader.  Let's make this exciting."

Thus, the great presidency of Estes Kefauver, former Senator from Tennessee, began.  Kefauver's first act as President was to pardon former President Eisenhower.  "It has come to my attention that Eisenhower was endorsed by the Communists, and therefore may have Communist leanings...  Since this illegal in our great democracy, I feel I must grant him a pardon.  It's not his fault he's a Communist."

Eisenhower was grateful for his pardon and repaid his moral debt to society with community service.  To this day, if you ever litter, you will not only have to pay a $5,848.11 fine, but good old Ike himself will come and put that litter in a bin for you.

Kefauver was an active president.  The first bill he signed was the Dandruff Protection Act of 1957, which made it illegal for any supermarkets to sell shampoo.  This was followed by frivolous lawsuits from the big nasty shampoo corporations.  Congress, being threatened by a big lawsuit, got up-and-coming trial lawyer star John Edwards to protect them in court.  This is when Edwards' heartwaring story of devoting his life to helping middle class families just like you was born.

Edwards was an effective lawyer, and the big nasty shampoo corporations lost.  The cosmetics industry suffered another blow with the Tangles Protection Act of 1959, which fully outlawed hair conditioner.

Kefauver remained popular throughout his presidency.  On April 2, 1961, he announced he would not seek re-election, due to personal health reasons.  (Rumors were circulating that he needed to find a way to get rid of a problematic case of dandruff that couldn't be taken care of because he had outlawed shampoo.)

Immediately following his announcement, Ralph Nader entered the race for the Democratic Party nomination.  On the Republican side, billionaire H. Ross Perot was quick to enter.  It looked like it was time for another exciting race.

Will Ralph Nader win the presidency and choose Rachel Carson as his running mate?  Will there be a surprise challenger to Perot that will divide the Republican party and thus ensure four more years of liberal reign?  STAY TUNED!

[Ebowed]

Ralph Nader entered the Democratic nomination race with a very liberal platform.  "I want to make sure that the government controls the environment, so that means tougher shampoo regulations," he announced in a critically acclaimed May 1960 speech.

Nader, who was not well-known at the time, was challenged for the Democratic nomination by up-and-coming famous environmentalist Rachel Carson.  After two days in the race, she dropped out because she was low on funds.  She endorsed Nader, and this brought great momentum to the Nader camp, especially considering that there were no other candidates yet.

Georgia Senator Richard Russell, who was disturbed with the leftwing tilt of his party, entered the nomination on a pro-states' rights platform.  Though he had promised not to run after losing the nomination to Adlai Stevenson in 1952, he could not convince his protege Lyndon Johnson (the Senate Majority Leader from Texas) to seek the nomination.  His candidacy was endorsed by almost all politicians across the South, including Louisiana Senator Russell Long, Florida Senator George Smathers, and South Carolina Governor Ernest Hollings.

President Kefauver remained neutral, trying to keep a low profile so that party unity could be maintained.  Senate Majority Leader Johnson also abstained from endorsing any candidates, as did Democratic Whip Mike Mansfield of Montana.

Following Russell's entrance into the race, things began getting more heated.  Massachusetts Senator John Kennedy, Missouri Senator Stu Stymington, and Minnesota Senator Hubert Humphrey jumped in.

The first primary was Wisconsin, where only Humphrey, Russell, and Kennedy were on the ballot.  Russell did not have high hopes, seeing as he was the Southern candidate, but Humphrey and Kennedy spent a lot of time and money in the state.  Ralph Nader, who was spending all of his campaign time at an Environmentalist Convention, was beginning to slump in the nationwide polls, and he was kept off the ballot in Wisconsin.  Humphrey, from nextdoor Minnesota, was facing an uphill battle against Kennedy, the most wealthy candidate in the race.

Kennedy won the primary in Wisconsin with 48% of the vote.  Humphrey recieved 42%, and Russell 10%.

When Humphrey, pleased with the close result, refused to drop out, Kennedy was furious.  But he had the resources to keep going, and the ugly battle continued into West Virginia, the next primary.  Stymington was on the ballot, as well as Russell.  Nader had stopped campaigning and had not given a reason.

Kennedy began attacking Humphrey's war record.  Humphrey was in a sensitive spot thanks to Kennedy's religion, Roman Catholicism.  Kennedy addressed the issue cleverly in radio and television commercials.  "Is anyone going to tell me that I lost this primary forty-two years ago when I was baptized?"  Many West Virginians believed that a vote for Kennedy would show religious tolerance.

Humphrey began gaining on Kennedy as the primary date approached.  Russell also campaigned in the state, but did not expect to win.  Stymington did little campaigning, holding out for the Missouri and Iowa primaries.

Humphrey won West Virginia with 37% of the vote.  Russell got 26%, Kennedy 24%, and Stymington 13%.

Stymington, running low on funds, and not well-known, dropped out, and endorsed Humphrey.  Next came the Florida primary, which Russell, Kennedy, and Humphrey all entered.  This was Russell's first chance, and he did a great job, fiercely campaigning across the state.  He won with 52% of the vote, also winning every single county in the state.  Humphrey came in second with 31%, and Kennedy last with 17%.

This was followed by Minnesota, which Humphrey easily won.  Kennedy then easily won Massachusetts, and Russell won Alabama and Georgia.  After these predictable contests, it was finally time for another battle: Illinois.

Illinois was the last hope for Kennedy.  Russell needed a win there to prove that he was viable even when he was on the ballot outside of the South.  Humphrey needed it too; despite an impressive win in West Virginia, he didn't have much else to show for.  This state was make-or-break for all three candidates.

That's when Ralph Nader came out of his campaigning lethargy problem and announced he would be on the Illinois ballot.  Nader then began making a serious candidate of himself, travelling across the state trying to pick up votes.  Kennedy and Russell spent their time in Southern Illinois while Humphrey campaigned in Chicago.  Soon the state was littered with signs, bumper stickers, and rallies for the four candidates.

Who will win Illinois?  And is the Republican nomination just as interesting?  Will President Kefauver do anything for the rest of his term?  STAY TUNED!

[Joe Republic]

Oh noes!