President Kerry and on...

[The Other Castro]

wait what

[SPC]

Mid-2018: Poseidon Javelin

Despite obtaining Congressional authorization for military action, the Booker administration sought to take a more multilateral approach toward the Zeldarian crisis. Secretary Gabbard made a persuasive case to the United Nations in favor of military action, arguing that they had a "responsibility to protect" the other planets in the universe and that failure to act would project an image of weakness to the rest of the Milky Way Galaxy. Despite this, the Security Council voted down the measure 12-3, with Russia and China exercising their veto power along with South Africa. Russia and China cited their extensive economic ties with the planet nobody had even heard of until a few months ago, while South Africa cited their fears that military action could create a refugee crisis, causing a horde of arthropod-like aliens to invade the planet seeking protection.

Lacking UN authorization, President Booker assembled a "coalition of the willing" to take on Gobbledeegook's regime, consisting of the United States and Poland. The first intergalactic military operation took off from Cape Canaveral, with a rocket ship presumably containing several thousand Coalition forces taking off live in front of audiences around the world. Astrophysicists were skeptical of the arrival of the Coalition forces on the distant planet a mere four and a half hours later, but their concerns were rapidly alleviated after President Booker threatened to cut funding for NASA.

The Coalition forces found Zeldar to be a desolate desert planet, bearing an eerie resemblance to the ancient city of Tucson, Arizona. The depopulation was presumed to be a consequence of the horrific civil war ravaging the planet. Navy Seals on the mission discovered the Presidential Palace of the ruthless tyrant Uggabugga, dubbed with the placard "City Hall" with the futile intent of fooling the Coalition forces. After uncovering numerous pornographic magazines and packages of cocaine, the Seals found themselves staring face to face with the dictator whose myriad of crimes against humanity had been described in detail by CNN. The Seals immediately fired two shots into the skull of the alien autocrat, who looked like the splitting image of Senator Michael Steele, bound and gagged to a chair with a sock in his mouth. After a quick autopsy to confirm the identity of Uggabugga, the deceased despot was immediately loaded onto a helicopter, for burial at sea, in accordance with ancient Zeldarian tradition.

President Booker received an immediate bounce in the polls after announcing the death of Uggabugga. Virtually all media outlets lavished praise on the President for the brave decision to send the Navy Seals to execute the dictator and liberate Zeldar, with the only exception being Fox News, where Sean Hannity claimed that the successful removal of Uggabugga served as a vindication of the foreign policy of Booker's predecessor, George Allen. Nevertheless, the story proved a fortunate change in the news cycle from the previous story, derisively dubbed by Bill O'Reilly "Fourty-percent-of-the-Eastern-Seaboard-is-infected-with-Ebola-gate."

[SPC]

Sometime in 2018: Happy Days

Despite receiving a modest bump due to the news of the successful military operation in Zeldar, the Booker administration continued to be bogged down as the media focus turned back to domestic issues. First, however, a bit of context should be provided for this story. Due to a combination of desire for stability in the midst of the Ebola-induced economic crisis and a desire to avoid partisan brinkmanship over a nomination battle, the President elected to renominate Herman Cain for Fed chairman. Despite being a holdover from the previous administration, Senate Republicans filibustered the nomination anyway, and Cain's confirmation only succeeded after Majority Leader Reid acceded to conservative demands for a complete audit of the Federal Reserve System. President Booker sought to take credit for the move for a Fed audit, seeing it as a logical continuation of the transparency platform on which he campaigned.

The results of the audit were released approximately two quarters later. Global markets were sent into a panic after revelations that Chairman Cain had converted the "business model" of the Federal Reserve from a lender of last resort to large banks and guarantor of economic stability to a pizza delivery service. A thorough audit of the balance sheet revealed that the assets of the nation's foremost economic institution consisted almost exclusively of dough, cheese, tomato sauce, and ovens. Hard-money advocates such as Steve Forbes and Jim Rogers expressed indignation at what they perceived as a "bailout" of the restaurant industry, while more mainstream economists, such as Paul Krugman and Joseph Stiglitz, praised Cain for expanding the scope of "open-market operations" undertaken by the Fed in support of the economic recovery. While Cain claimed that the Federal Reserve would not continue to purchase raw materials to provide pizza to needy Americans at below-market rates, such measures would be necessary in the interim to prevent a panic in consumer goods from spreading to the rest of the economy. Adding a different angle to the controversy, Senator Debbie Stabenow (D-MI) confronted Cain over health issues associated with the Fed's purchase of raw materials for pizza assembly, insisting that it would be better for the nation's health if the Fed instead produced quinoa pancakes for the consumption of needy children.

Needing a distraction from the poor economic news, President Booker's advisers suggested that he take a step that no incumbent President has performed since 1886. President Booker exchanged vows with "some lady from LA" in the White House, live broadcast by all major networks. Nevertheless, the $100 million price tag associated with the nuptials did not come without its critics, with Congressman Louis Gohmert (R-TX) going so far as the suggest impeachment as legitimate resource for the irresponsible use of funds on personal matters. However, commentator Rachel Maddow ridiculed these critics, claiming that the CBO estimated that the wedding would produce revenue up to ten times the cost of the wedding as a consequence of increased tourism to the United States.

None seemed more outraged by the news of the President's union than Senator Charlie Crist (RD-FL), who in a histrionic 22-minute speech on the floor of the Senate condemned the President as a "whore" and a "violator of my, er, the public's trust." In a move that Crist claimed was "totally not out of spite," the party-switching Senator announced his decision to leave the Democratic Party and once again caucus with the Republicans. However, this spontaneous decision did not affect control of the Senate, as the mysterious disappearance of Senator Michael Steele (R-MD) left the Democrats with a 50-49 majority in the upper chamber. Majority Leader Reid halted Senate business until the junior Senator from Florida's fan was confiscated, thought to be a spiteful move to expose Crist's teary eyes to C-SPAN viewers.

PA Senate (Franklin-Marshall) English 52% Matthews 40%

FL Senate (SUSA) Mack 42% Rich 30% Overby 11%

NM Senate (PPP) Weh 46% Udall 44%

MD Senate (CNN) Brown 50% Bongino 45%

[SPC]

Late 2018: Flirting with Disaster

Between a terrorist invasion, an economic calamity, and an Ebola epidemic, the state of affairs for the United States had looked pretty bleak for the preceding two years. Nevertheless, the administration worked quickly to address each of these issues, with a troops on the ground to rebel the invaders, an emergency bailout to reassure markets, and President Booker working personally to help staff at Newark-Wayne Community Hospital treat infected patients. However, all of the preceding events seemed like small fish to fry compared to the catastrophe looming just over the horizon. The United States was on course to exceed the debt ceiling on September 22, unless Congress acted immediately to raise the debt ceiling. Analysts from both parties warned that failure to raise the debt ceiling would immediately lead to default by the federal government and a host of other tribulations. Despite this, a coalition of conservative Republicans revolted over the absurd spending levels they were expected to ratify, and led a filibuster over the legislation to raise the debt ceiling unless it were guaranteed that none of their appropriations would be used for President Booker's lavish personal lifestyle. Although numerous media figures condemned Senator Mark Sanford (D-SC) for leading this filibuster, claiming that the freshman is sacrificing the well-being of the country to advance his own presidential ambitions, the Democratic majority was only able to attain votes from nine Republican lawmakers (Alexander, Collins, Corker, DeWine, Lugar, Murkowski, Shays, Snowe, Wilson, with Crist joining the filibuster out of spite), insufficient to stop the filibuster.

The morning of September 23 was a terrifying one. Streets were filled with potholes and traffic accidents, many of the nation's elderly and poor starved to death (fatalities would have been much more severe without the Federal Reserve's open-market operations of the preceding months), the stock market crashed (again), drinking water quickly became unsanitary, and hordes of terrorists and drug dealers once again came stampeding over the nation's borders. In order to restore the nation's fiscal solvency after the nation's credit rating was downgraded to AA+, President Booker called an emergency summit with Russian President Vladimir Putin, to discuss the possibility of reselling Alaska. Putin proved a strong negotiator against the ostensible leader of the free world, negotiating the selling price to original purchase price plus interest. Critics of the President alleged that the sale was a political manoever, in an attempt to exile former Interior Secretary Palin to a foreign nation and lose a heavily-Republican leaning state before the next election.

Negotiations appeared to be going smoothly between the two world leaders, until suddenly President Booker spewed blood-filled vomit onto the Slavic strongman. Putin stormed off from the negotiations and interpreted the symptoms of the President's malady as a declaration of war. Major American cities such as New York City, Washington, Los Angeles, Newark, and Tucson (again) were leveled by Soviet-era nuclear warheads. Shortly thereafter, 2016 Republican nominee Mitt Romney delivered his first public address in two years, trying not to grin too blatantly as he reminded Americans that he was derided for proclaiming Russia America's "number one geopolitical foe" before nonchalantly asked if "third time's the charm?"

Ordinarily, the United States would have quickly responded to the blatant Russian aggression. However, President Booker quickly succumbed to the Ebola virus, leaving nobody in an immediate position to press the nuclear football. Vice-President Feingold and Speaker Pelosi were incinerated in the atomic blasts, leaving President Pro Tem Pat Leahy (D-VT) as presumptive President. President Leahy acted quickly to repel the Russian attacks with the strictest sanctions on key figures in the Kremlin. When these measures failed, Leahy pleaded Putin to return to the negotiating table, with a peace treaty proclaiming American recognition of Russian sovereignty over the newly acquired oblasts of Yugokalinigrad (formerly known as "Poland"), Donbas, Narva, Alaska, and Severnayadakota in return for Russian forgiveness of any Russian-held U.S. debt.

Republicans blasted Leahy as an "appeaser," charging that the novice President had stabbed America's closest ally in the back while giving Putin everything he wanted. Congressman Peter King (R-NY) charged that Leahy was embarrassing the United States on the world stage and that the President lacked a "spine" to face down threats to world security. Strict constructionists such as Congressman Raul Labrador, Senator Mark Sanford, and Justice Ted Cruz, noted that the evenly-divided Senate did not ratify the treaty, and thus could not be binding, with some even raising the possibility of a lawsuit to force the Executive Branch to enforce federal law in the ceded states.

[SPC]

Election 2018

In previous election cycles, this report went through excruciating detail to ensure that the election results, seemingly conjured from a random number generator, appeared to be plausible before reporting them. However, inspired by reading a ridiculous timeline entitled "President Bush and on...," in which the 2014 election cycle features Democrats winning in Kansas while losing Massachusetts, such editing will be absent from reporting of the 2018 election cycle. As such, here is a summary of the interesting contests:

Connecticut
Ted Kennedy, Jr. 49%
Chris Shays 47%

The Kennedy family name combined with Connecticut's partisan lean brought the late Senator's son over the top against the moderate Republican Senator.

Florida
Connie Mack 54%
Nan Rich 39%

In one of the more confusing elections of the cycle, incumbent Senator Charlie Crist lost renomination in a landslide after changing party affliation twice. Despite a strong third-party showing, Mack easily prevailed against the underfunded state legislator.

Maine
Paul LePage 36%
Chellee Pingree 27%
Eliot Cutler 24%
Shawn Moody 13%

Strong third-party performances brought Watertown mayor Paul LePage over the top in his battle with Congresswoman Pingree to succeed moderate Olympia Snowe.

Maryland
Dan Bongino 56%
Anthony Brown 43%

Somehow, Brown lost to a perennial candidate, likely due to voter frustration with Brown's hasty self-appointment to Steele's Senate seat shortly after news of the latter's disappearance.

Massachusetts
Richard Tisei 50%
Elizabeth Warren 47%

Warren faced an unexpectedly difficult battle, largely seen as a sign of frustration at Warren's attempts to grab the national spotlight.

Michigan
Kerry Bentivolio 50%
Debbie Stabenow (Write-in) 48%

Stabenow was initially considered safe when her only declared opponent was an obscure reindeer rancher. However, Stabenow's failure to meet the draconian petition requirements forced the incumbent to make a hasty write-in bid with an apathetic electorate.

Missouri
Jay Nixon 60%
Todd Akin 35%

The race to succeed Jim Talent initially seemed like it would be close, but Congressman Akin's gaffes about rape and pregnancy gave this election to the former Attorney General in a landslide.

Nevada
Clive Bundy 43%
Shelley Berkley 42%

In this battle between the kook and the crook, the recent immigration of thousands of survivalist types into Nevada to flee from OSIRIS likely brought Bundy over the top.

New Jersey
Tom Kean 54%
Rob Andrews 46%

Pundits had written off Kean for dead until an October suprise came via the nuclear devastation of Newark.

New Mexico
Allen Weh 57%
Tom Udall 40%

OSIRIS activity in much of the southern region of the state deprived Udall of much of the Hispanic turnout he needed to win.

Severnayadakota
Join Russia 97%
Abstain 3%

Pennsylvania
Phil English 52%
Chris Matthews 45%

Chris Matthews was never expected to win an election against anybody not named "Santorum," regardless of his attempts to make himself a serious Senator.

Utah
Jim Matheson 80%
Merrill Cook 18%

Even with OSIRIS occupying most of the state except for Salt Lake City, former Congressman Matheson performed extraordinarily well.

Vermont
Martha Rainville 51%
Pete Shumlin 46%

President Leahy experienced embarrassment when a Republican won the contest for his recently-vacated Senate seat.

West Virginia
Shelley Moore Capito 64%
Carte Goodwin 36%

Capito easily prevailed in the contest for Manchin's former Senate seat.

Republicans 52 (+2)
Democrats 44 (-6)

Soon to come, House and Gubernatorial elections...

[SPC]

Election 2018 (continued)

Gubernatorial

Alaska
Rejoin Russia 96%
Restore the Constitution of 1866 4%

Arizona
Joe Arpaio 53%
Terry Goddard 46%

Governor Goddard's weakness in the face of decapitation by Muslim militants greatly damaged his public image and, ultimately, his constitutionally dubious quest for a third term.

Arkansas
Mike Ross 50%
Tom Cotton 48%

Ironically, Arkansas proved to be one of a handful of bright spots for Democrats.

California
Neel Kashkari 50.1%
Gavin Newsom 49.9%

Ironically, efforts by FEMA to prevent the nuclear fallout from Los Angeles from reaching Orange and San Diego counties may have proved pivotal to sinking the interim Governor's bid for a full term.

Colorado
Tom Tancredo 58%
Betsy Markey 41%

The Fed's free pizza policy greatly complemented Colorado's legal marijuana, causing many left-leaning voters to stay home on Election Day.

Nebraska
Pete Ricketts 52%
Brad Ashford 47%

Commentators are still puzzled by the tightness of this contest.

New Mexico
Gary Johnson 54%
Ben Lujan 45%

The depopulation of Santa Fe worked well to Johnson's advantage, as well as low turnout due to the appearance that both state parties had writers' block when vetting their candidates.

Oregon
Greg Walden 53%
David Wu 46%

See New Mexico

Republicans 37 (+14)
Democrats 11 (-16)

House

Republicans 245 (+42)
Democrats 188 (-44)

Republicans managed to successfully exploit the ineptness of the administration to retake control of the House of Representatives, after eight years in the minority.

[SPC]

January 2019: Quantum Leap

With Republicans having acquired control of both Houses of Congress, and the Presidency in the hands of a septuagenarian whom many considered to be a lame duck, the new congressional leadership saw an opportunity to use the fortuitious circumstances to their advantage. President Leahy had expected the new Congress to vote on whether to approve his nomination of Governor Elizabeth Colbert-Busch to the vacant Vice-Presidency. However, new Speaker Scalise had other items on his mind, instead calling a vote on whether to hold a spot election to fill the Presidency, effectively overturning the Presidential Succession Act. While the Republican House expectedly passed the legislation on strict party lines, the legislation stalled in the Senate, where the Democrats filibustered the act seemingly contrived only to deal with one particular circumstance. When the filibuster manifested, combined with the realization that President Leahy would certainly veto any legislation to shorten his term, Speaker Scalise suddenly realized that the idea to create political drama that seemed so brilliant at 3 am was in fact a dead-end.

However, Speaker Scalise discovered that he had another ace in his sleeve. Given the Republican sweep of statehouses that had just occured, the numbers were there to call for a second constitutional convention, convened solely for the purpose of amending the constitution to call for a special election as soon as possible. The Convention easily ratified the 28th and 29th Amendments, the Change to Presidential Succession Amendment and Social Security Privatization Amendment, respectively. The new election will be scheduled for June 3, 2019.

The expedited general election meant that the primary calendar had to be pushed forward by 12-15 months, meaning that most of the contests would have to be held in rapid succession in late January. This set up a momentous primary battle between multimillionaires Senator Darrell Issa and 2016 nominee Mitt Romney (drafted into the contest by dozens of supporters, most of whom were in his immediate family), who were the only two candidates in the large Republican field (the entirety of which consisted of several dozen officeholders of various levels) who could afford to purchase large quantities of advertising and transportation on short notice. The earlier primaries had favored Romney, with many primary voters feeling that it would be amusing to see the former Secretary of State compete in yet another general election. However, Issa began to pick up momentum in the primaries held later in the week, as Issa made his appeal that adding a fresher face to the mix would provide for a more entertaining general election. As of now, the Republican nomination looks like it will be ultimately decided by the later contests held in early February, as well as the decision of the superdelegates.

As for the Democrats, President Leahy initially struggled in many of the early contests, with many Democratic primary voters feeling that a shark would be a better standard-bearer for progressive values than the incumbent. However, Leahy's campaign quickly restructured and reclaimed the lead, jumping the shark in the polls.

The administration's surrender of North Dakota to the Russians proved to be an outrageously unpopular decision, maligned by figures on all sides of the political spectrum. Thus, the White House, largely under the leadership of Secretary Gabbard, devised a plan whereby the OSIRIS militants and drug dealers occupying the American Southwest would be paid to fight the Russians in the United States. Although many neoconservative strategists, most notably Senator Graham, had proposed this exact strategy mere days before it was announced, they later used the announcement of its implementation as an excuse to lambaste the administration for its appeasement of terrorists, with Graham opining that such a plan would only work if the administration took the opportunity to vet the OSIRIS militants so that only the moderate Islamist extremists would receive funding from the United States. The strategy thus far appears to be successful at creating bedlam in North Dakota, with thousands of North Dakotan primary students being killed by OSIRIS hostage takers.

Head-to-Head-Matchups (PPP)

Romney 54% Leahy 38%

Issa 50% Leahy 37%

Romney 47% Shark 38%

Issa 51% Shark 36%

[SPC]

February 2019: Atlantis

The later primaries sealed the deal for Senator Issa and President Leahy to win their respective parties' nominations. However, there was a marked difference in how gracefully their respective opponents handled their defeats. Romney quickly conceded to Issa, acknowledging that bringing youthful vigor into the contest would be necessary to secure victory in the upcoming election. Shark, on the other hand, proved to be more of a sore loser than Al Gore and Norm Coleman put together. Bitter about his election defeat, Shark quickly returned to the oceans, assembling all of his compatriots (a move which Rush Limbaugh has criticized as a dangerous mixture of race baiting and chum baiting), and the sharks collectively ravaged the coast of Florida. Ostensibly, the sharks were angered by the death of a fellow Chondrichthyes by a local fishery, which Shark skillfully exploited by tearfully opining "If I had a son, he would look a lot like RayVon..." The shark attacks on the coast of Florida inflicted the highest death toll in 18 years.

Attorney General Brown attempted to assuage the ravenous sharks by prosecuting the offending fisherman, known only as George, on federal hate crime charges. However, this proved insufficient to satiate the appetite of the sharks, with Shark instead urging his fin soldiers to lead an attack on the nation's capital. The nation collectively cowered in terror as The Weather Channel depicted satellite footage of hundreds of thousands of sharks swimming north across the Atlantic Ocean. Pressed for time, the Cabinet assembled in the War Room and hastily assembled natural allies that they could depend on in their impending battle against the sharks. The Navy Seals joined the fight without need of prompting, and with special overtures to Louis Alphonse, Duke of Anjou, the dolphins also joined the alliance. Seeing the success of the cult classic Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus, the administration also successfully recruited the cephalopods to the defense of the nation's capital. Finally, Richard Dreyfuss was assigned the command of a special force of US Marines to conduct strategic attacks against the shark leadership.

The United States clearly indicated that it was not going to give in to the sharks without a fight, and thus the battle ensued between the Coalition of the Wading and the sharks. For eight days, the Potomac River was the scene of many bloody altercations between the various combatants, and the fighting largely reached a stalemate, with the US Marine Corps under Commander Dreyfuss successfully defending the White House reflecting pool from the terror of the seas. However, two late breaking events proved crucial toward breaking the standstill. First, President of France Nicolas Sarkozy, facing declining approval ratings at home, made the decision to intercede in the conflict on the side of the sharks. Sarkozy declared the American alliance with a pretender to the French throne an outrage, and rapidly deployed the French Navy to assist the shark cause on behalf of French democracy. Second, under the direction of twice-failed gubernatorial candidate Matt Salmon (R-AZ), hundreds of thousands of fish reversed course in the Saint Lawrence River, swam south along the Atlantic Ocean, and opened a second front against the sharks. Both of these events proved crucial to securing a decisive Coalition victory against the sharks.

President Leahy earned a modest bounce in the polls for successfully defending Washington against a shark attack. In reward for their valiant efforts, both Dreyfuss and Salmon were granted Senate seats by the President, a move that some strict constructionists object to on constitutional grounds but has been praised by pundits on both sides of the aisle, for rewarding the efforts of war heroes without making a brazenly attempt to influence the partisan composition of the legislature. Now struggling in the polls, Senator Issa sought to get a bounce by announcing Senator Salmon as his running mate.

Leahy/Colbert-Busch 163
Issa/Salmon 148

ABC/WaPo National Poll
Issa/Salmon 42%
Leahy/Colbert-Busch 40%

[Maxwell]

so... Leahy was struggling against a Shark? This timeline is making me laugh now.

[SPC]

so... Leahy was struggling against a Shark? This timeline is making me laugh now.

The Shark initially had strong appeal with the base, with his strong concern for maintaining the sanctity of our oceans by strictly curbing pollution and banning offshore drilling, as well as his advocacy of spreading the wealth with "the remoras of our society." However, the Leahy campaign relentlessly attacked Shark's perceived weakness on labor rights, portraying Shark as a "literal destroyer of our nation's schools," and reclaimed the lead.

On another note, I am glad people are still reading.

[SPC]

March 2019: Potpourri

Ordinarily, the major parties' national conventions would be the most noteworthy news item of the month in which they occur. However, public reaction to the conventions was so apathetic that the news cycle almost completely glossed over them, in pursuit of more captivating stories.

The first major controversy came in the form of the trial of George the Fisherman for murder. Major critics of the administration accused Attorney General Brown of leading an environmentalist witch-hunt by prosecuting the fisherman for committing premeditated murder due to racial prejudice against sharks. In a move that seemingly indicated a complete absence of cognitive dissonance by the mainstream conservative movement, the very same figures then proceeded to criticize Brown for agreeing to hold the trial in a civilian court, rather than a military tribunal, on the premise that it would be "too dangerous" to the American republic for such a heinous criminal to be tried on American soil. Testimony from several witnesses during the trial revealed that the suspect had an almost obsessive desire to collect fishing rods, bait, and various other fishing-related paraphernalia. The shocking testimony greatly increased public support for public safety measures proposed by Leahy and Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA), including increased background checks on those applying for fishing licenses, longer waiting periods between when fishermen can acquire additional poles, and a ban on "assault fishing lines," as Feinstein referred to fishing nets. All of these proposals were immediately killed by the Republican-controlled Congress, demonstrating that the Republicans care more about appeasing their base of bigoted ichthyophobes than making reasonable accommodations to assuage the public's baseless fears.

In North Dakota, controversy erupted when OSIRIS-affiliated rebels cut the Keystone XL pipeline, sending oil prices up. Issa accused Leahy of deliberately backing the Islamist group for the expressed purpose of attacking the pipeline, due to an aversion to fossil fuels. While Leahy has condemned the attack and promised to better vet the moderate Islamist rebels in the future, the White House has stated that it will not make any effort to reconnect the pipeline in the interim, stating that repair work on the pipeline would have no immediate effect on either oil production or oil prices. Along a similar line of reasoning, Secretary Chu has issued a condemnation against Russian President Vladimir Putin for expanding drilling into wildlife refuges in the recently-reclaimed province of Alaska.

While many analysts expected Russia to have as much success clamping down on the Islamist insurgency in Severnayadakota as they did in Grosny, ensuing events have greatly enhanced the position of the OSIRIS militants. France, bitter about their naval defeat to the United States, announced that it would deploy French military forces to Severnayadakota in order to assist Russian forces in their counterinsurgency efforts. Additionally, if a historic alliance with the United States and against sharks was not enough to sway him, historic animosity against France merely solidified Prince Charles of Wales' determination to provide British and cetacean assistance to the rebellion against Russian rule. Although the French intervention would prove to be a decisive turning point in the battle against Russian control, some advisers to the President expressed concern that his Francophobic stance could endanger his campaign's efforts in Louisiana, Maine, and Vermont. Citing precedent from the last time the nation went to war with France, President Leahy announced the unilateral reauthorization of the Alien and Sedition Acts, which were immediately used to deport freshman Senator Paul LePage (R-ME) as an enemy combatant.

National Poll (NYT)
Issa 49%
Leahy 46%

[Mister Mets]

This is the Too Many Cooks of the Election Atlas. Loving it.

[SPC]

This is the Too Many Cooks of the Election Atlas. Loving it.

I am glad it is appreciated!

April 2019: American Gothic

Senator Michael Steele's mysterious disappearance nearly a year ago was surprisingly underdiscussed. Even among conspiracy theorist circles, attempts at explaining the Steele disappearance were not nearly as popular as accusing politicians such as VP nominee Matt Salmon as being an reptilian (in response, Salmon released a copy of his long-form birth certificate revealing that he was in fact an osteichthian.) That all changed one day when a self-styled disciple, Rand Paul of Tarsus Kentucky, revealed that Steele had in fact disappeared for the political scene to expunge the American public of our sins, and that he would one day return in order to run a final campaign against the Anti-Steele. Steelism rapidly spread throughout the nation thanks to Paul's network of supporters, soon constituting nearly 5% of the American electorate.

In an attempt to debunk this superstition, premier scientist Neil DeGrasse Tyson led a project to attempt to locate the missing Senator. After little success searching in the Appalachian Trail, Tyson acheived a breakthrough when an anonymous individual reported to have sighted the enigmatic Steele beached on the coast of La Jolla, CA. Tyson was initially dismissive, believing this tip to be as invaluable as the previous tips reporting sightings in the Pacific Northwest and the Scottish Highlands. However, this tip proved unexpectedly fruitful, as indeed the washed-up body matched the physical description of the former Senator.

In order to vindicate his position once and for all, Tyson believed it was necessary to reanimate the corpse and have him make a Shermanesque statement, thus making fulfillment of the prophecy an impossibility. This quickly became a social wedge issue, with pro-death activists arguing that Tyson has no right to play God and that Tyson should not have the right to reincarnate a dead body simply because it is inconvenient for him to have to carry the cadaver. Pro-choice activists, on the other hand, believed it should be Tyson's choice whether to reanimate Steele and that he should receive federal funding for doing so. The petty issue made its way to the Supreme Court, which ruled in a 5-4 decision that emanations upon penumbras in the Ninth Amendment granted Tyson the right to bring Steele back to life.

Tyson worked diligently in his NIH laboratory figuring out how best accomplish his vaunted task. He first obtained a DNA sample from some amber left on Steele's Senate desk, using this to attempt to recreate many of Steele's vital organs in vitro. When this failed, Tyson chose to mechanize Steele's biological processes, resorting to computer with an exterior shell made of steel (because why not?) Tyson made his much anticipated reveal of his creation toward the end of the month, hoping that expediting the process would put him into contention for the 2019 Nobel season. Instead, however, Tyson's unveiling of his month's work proved an unmitigated disaster, with the half-man, half-machine Steele instead choosing to exact vengeance upon his political rivals, ravaging Washington, D.C. in the process. Tyson was fatally wounded by angry yokels with pitchforks, mad at the physicist for unleashing "Tyson's Monster" into the world. The Steele issue proved a difficult one with the presidential candidates, with Issa seeking to court the religious pro-death vote without alienating Tea Party voters who found Steele's antagonism toward Washington, D.C. appealing. Leahy vowed to clamp down on Steele's reign of destruction while attempting to avoid criticism for allowing Tyson to unleash his project in the first place.

[Jerseyrules]

This is... fantastic.  I'm not sure I understand all the jokes but this is hilarious man.  Keep it up!

[SPC]

This is... fantastic.  I'm not sure I understand all the jokes but this is hilarious man.  Keep it up!

Thank you!

May 2019: Hail Mary

As the presidential contest drew nearer, attacks between the two major candidates continued to heat up. Leahy accused Issa of trying to buy the election while most Americans starved due to the economic calamity of the past several years. Facing declining poll numbers, Issa ran a controversial ad pointing out the "French" surname of Leahy's running mate while juxtaposed with images of guillotines and orgies. The ad proved to be the biggest flop of the cycle, earning enmity from both centrist voters, who were outraged at the personal attacks leveled against Ms. Colbert-Busch for the ethnicity of her brother's eponymous television character, and from conservative voters, who interpreted the ad as an attack on capital punishment.

Mecha-Steele continued to unleash destruction on Washington, leveling several government buildings in the process of destroying his enemies in both parties who had sought to marginalize him during his Senate tenure. This earned him massive approval with the voting public, particularly when the IRS building was flattened by Mecha-Steele's robotic foot. Tea Parties across the country, frustrated with Issa's perceived opposition to capital punishment and possible ties to terrorism as well as running mate Salmon's outspoken support for the ban on fishing nets, sought to draft Mecha-Steele into the presidential contest, thus fulfilling the fabled prophecy. Mecha-Steele reluctantly entered the race, sparking fear into Republicans that his candidacy may split the vote and allow Leahy to win a full lame-duck term. Mecha-Steele's insurgent bid experienced a setback when the robotic behemoth attempted to destroy the Federal Reserve, but was thwarted by severe intestinal discomfort due to the sheer quantity of cheese stored in the building (the humanoid features of Mecha-Steele were lactose intolerant.)

Seeking to neutralize the threat from Mecha-Steele, Secretary Wyden authorized a clandestine raid of Tyson's laboratory in order to investigate if an antidote could be found to combat the monster. Instead, one of the agents on the mission accidentally pressed a wrong button while raiding the laboratory, releasing the velociraptors that Tyson had secretly been cloning with NIH grants. The unleashed velociraptors began even more untold destruction of major population centers, completely obliterating most metropolitan transportation systems. In response to the move, Secretary Napolitano announced that the TSA would now be conducting invasive full-body searches of all passengers on public transportation of all kinds, in order to ensure that no velociraptors board.

Facing a severe crisis, the Leahy cabinet attempted to make a concerted effort to battle the latest scourge to face America. At first, former Senator Zell Miller (D-GA) was summoned, based on the belief that the nation's most prominent dino was the best available resource to combat the reptilian threat (it should be noted that Alex Jones's ratings skyrocketed after news reports of reptilians dominating America's political and financial centers.) However, Miller's suggestion that Leahy should challenge the head of the velociraptors to a duel was rebuffed, following which Miller himself challenged Leahy to a duel. With options rapidly dwindling to face the crisis, Secretary Wyden made a desperate trip to the Los Angeles area to consult the one politician in America he believed had the capacity to deal with this crisis.

The one and only debate of the cycle, moderated by Reince Preibus, proved to be a stalemate. Both of Leahy's opponents hammered the President on his failure to deal with the threats America faced at home and abroad, with Issa even positing the theory that the President was deliberately delaying a response to the dinosaur crisis based on an aversion to creating more fossil fuels. Mecha-Steele, for his part, accused the Leahy administration of leading a brain drain from the United States into less impoverished countries such as Somalia, and affirm that, as president, he would not let any "sweet, delicious brains" fall out of his grasp.

The election did feature an October Surprise moment, or rather, a May Surprise. A video alleged to be made by Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, leader of the newly founded State of Allah in North Dakota (SAND), was released. Aside from the strong resemblance that al-Baghdadi shared to Issa if the latter were wearing a fake beard, the part of the video most people remembered was the statement, in English with an American accent, that SAND would most like to see a victory by either Leahy or Mecha-Steele, and that Americans should definitely NOT vote for Issa if they want SAND to succeed in world domination. It remains to be seen whether the video will influence the course of the election.

Leahy/Colbert-Busch 202
Issa/Salmon 62
Mecha-Steele/Johnson 61

National (Vox Populi)
Leahy/Colbert-Busch 34%
Issa/Salmon 32%
Mecha-Steele/Johnson 26%

[SPC]

Election Night 2019

BREAKING NEWS: TURNOUT TO SPECIAL PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION LOWEST SINCE 1824; SECRETARY WYDEN'S FLIGHT DELAYED TWO HOURS

6:28 EST Wyden's flight to LAX has finally taken off, expected to land at approximately 10:45 EST (7:45 PST)

7:00 EST Kentucky has been called for Mecha-Steele. Vermont and South Carolina have been called for Leahy. Indiana, Georgia, New Hampshire, and Virginia remain too close to call.

7:30 EST North Carolina and Ohio are closed and too close to call. West Virginia can now be called for Mecha-Steele. We can project that the female dinosaurs are now reproducing.

Mecha-Steele/Johnson 13
Leahy/Colbert-Busch 12
Issa/Salmon 0

8:00 PM EST Alabama, Mississippi, and Oklahoma can be called for Issa. Delaware, DC, Illinois, Maine's 1st congressional district, Massachusetts, and Rhode Island can be called for Leahy. Connecticut, Florida, Maine, Missouri, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, and Tennessee are too close to call at this hour. We can now project that control of the Florida coast line will go to the sharks, which can be attributed to the sharks excellent campaign of terror throughout the month of August.

8:24 PM EST The IAD-LAX flight has experienced turbulence due to an unexpected hailstorm, and will land approximately half an hour later than anticipated.

8:30 PM EST Arkansas is too close to call at this hour.

8:34 PM EST Indiana can now be called for Leahy.

8:45 PM EST Tennessee can now be called for Mecha-Steele.

9:00 PM EST Colorado, Kansas, Louisiana, Nebraska, Texas, and Wyoming can be called for Issa. However, a concurrent secession referendum in Texas is also projected to pass, as will a North Dakota referendum banning all law except Sharia Law. New York can be called for Leahy. Arizona, Michigan, Minnesota, New Mexico, South Dakota, and Wisconsin are too close to call at this hour.

Leahy/Colbert-Busch 94
Issa/Salmon 53
Mecha-Steele/Johnson 24

9:15 PM EST The Army of the Republic of Texas, formerly known as the Texas National Guard, has seized control of Fort Hood.

9:23 PM EST It is now being learned that Secretary Wyden has spent the entirety of his flight in the middle seat, and has not been able to use the on-board restroom due to the hailstorm-induced turbulence. Furthermore, the in-flight entertainment sucks.

9:34 PM EST Maine can now be called for Mecha-Steele.

9:37 PM EST Mecha-Steele is now projected to win his home state of Maryland. Long written off for dead by medical observers, Steele's iconoclasm and willingness to distance himself from the policies of the Leahy administration are believed to have endured him to Maryland voters.

9:38 PM EST Georgia can now be called for Leahy.

9:42 PM EST Wisconsin can now be called for Issa.

9:45 PM EST New Jersey can now be called for Leahy.

9:46 PM EST New York City Mayor Bill De Blasio is now projected to lose his life to a stray velociraptor Democrats had hoped that De Blasio's vital organs would continue to function enough to retain control of the Mayor's Mansion.

9:49 PM EST Arkansas can now be called for Issa.

10:00 PM EST Montana, Utah, Nevada, and Iowa can now be called for Issa.

Leahy/Colbert-Busch 124
Issa/Salmon 90
Mecha-Steele/Johnson 37

10:09 PM EST South Dakota can now be called for Issa.

10:10 PM EST Missouri can now be called for Issa.

10:11 PM EST North Carolina can now be called for Issa.

10:12 PM EST Virginia can now be called for Issa.

10:39 PM EST Secretary Wyden's flight has landed. Wyden is waiting in the aisle for the people ahead of him to grab their carry-on luggage before he sprints to baggage claim.

10:42 PM EST New Mexico can be called for Mecha-Steele. Governor Johnson's placement on the ticket is believed to have put Mecha-Steele over the top.

10:47 PM EST Wyden has discovered that his bags have been stolen. However, the Secretary of Defense has opted to cut his losses and get a taxi, rather than continue to look for his luggage.

10:57 PM EST Velociraptor eggs have been spotted on the coast of the Potomac.

10:59 PM EST Secretary Wyden caught a taxi, but is now stuck on 405-North traffic. Despite the devastation of the Greater Los Angeles area by the nuclear attack, traffic remains bad due to freeway construction and a few traffic accidents.

11:00 PM EST Leahy is projected to win Hawaii. Mecha-Steele is projected to win Idaho. California, Oregon, and Washington remains too close to close at this hour.

Issa/Salmon 131
Leahy/Colbert-Busch 128
Mecha-Steele/Johnson 46

11:14 PM EST In an interview with Fox News, Mecha-Steele acknowledged that he would be unable to seize an Electoral College majority tonight. However, Mecha-Steele remained optimistic that he would be able to "seize the hearts and brains" of the House of Representatives in the event that he can prevent either Leahy or Issa from obtaining a majority as well.

11:18 PM EST Michigan can now be called for Issa. Many attributed this to Issa's unique appeal to the Arab-American community.

11:24 PM EST Arizona can now be called for Issa.

11:28 PM EST Connecticut can now be called for Leahy.

11:36 PM EST Minnesota can now be called for Issa. Issa's outreach to the Somali-American community, as well as frustration that pirates were not a more major political issue, has been credited to Issa's upset here.

11:37 PM EST Washington can now be called for Leahy.

11:40 PM EST Oregon can now be called for Leahy.

11:46 PM EST Wyden's cab has gotten off on the Santa Monica Boulevard exit heading West.

11:59 PM EST Former Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger (R-CA) was awoken outside his Brentwood home to the sight of a lisping, flustered Jewish man trying to explain to him "orders from the President"

12:06 AM EST After calmly listening to the suggestions of the Secretary of Defense, the former Governor and actor reluctantly acceded to the administration's demanded, and sent himself back to the year 2004, in order to undo the apocalyptic damage of the last few administrations.

[The Other Castro]

If only we knew, John Kerry losing saved America

[SPC]

Epilogue



President Schwarzenegger may have taken a few detours in his excellent adventure. In fact, there is a significant possibility that he never visited 2004...