Update XIX: Melancholy and the Infinite Napping

[Adam Griffin]

Inspired by chat discussion...I took this real age test on behalf of Bushie (the notable one wouldn't let me login, unfortunately), answering as best I know from all the blabbering he does on here. His life expectancy is 59 (which I think is a tad generous based on what we all know).



EDIT: This one is a better and more realistic tool to use (at least when it comes to those that you don't have to create an account for; I don't want RealAge pounding me with never-ending emails saying "OMG You're Unhealthy As Hell" after taking the test as Bushie)

[Adam Griffin]

Here's something even more disturbing: https://www.tiaa-cref.org/public/products-services/tclife-insurance/utilize-our-tools/quote

You can't even get a quote for Bushie's stats for the lowest policy. It says to contact our agents.

Wow.

[Adam Griffin]

You could find a replacement tenant. If it's hard to find one at the current rate, you could reduce the rate and pay the difference.

This is obviously the smartest thing to do, but that would take effort, and so we all know the resolution. This is the guy who isn't allowed to use the stove we're talking about here.

[Adam Griffin]

Bushie you're missing like 3/4 of the plate!

You're making it too hard for him! Let's simplify things a bit:

[Adam Griffin]

But see, that nonsense would never fly in Real America.  ¼ of the plate is reserved for f*gg*ts?  Not in Oklahoma, pal!

Actually half, if you count the protein.

[Adam Griffin]

Could you imagine an Atlas road trip where we take Bushie out and try to get him to eat real food?  I think it'd be a big TLC hit to replace that family with a thousand kids.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IJGIMd3_LfY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cJ4di4_U6Ks

Wouldn't this be more fitting for Bushie?

More like this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oeyrqil5Hd0

[Adam Griffin]

Bushie, have you ever considered gastric bypass surgery? I heard it can work wonders, and its permanent unlike lipo.

He'd just keep shoving food down his gullet until his newly-formed tiny stomach exploded.

[Adam Griffin]

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[Adam Griffin]

Let me reiterate, guys, I am not scared of death, nor should I be.  Nathan, I believe one can know definitively about their own salvation.  God doesn't want us to live in fear and wonder all our lives IF we will go to heaven or not.  He gives us the ability and the grace to know that we know that we know where we will spend eternity.  God is not the author of fear.  He is the author of peace.  The hymn says "Blessed Assurance, Jesus is mine.  O what a foretaste of glory divine.  Heir of salvation, purchase of God.  Born of His spirit, washed in His blood.  This is my story, this is my song, praising my Savior all the day long.  This is my story, this is my song, praising my Savior all the day long."  That hymn tells it like it is.  That doesn't sound like fear and wonder to me, that sounds like complete assurance and absolute peace.

Carrying a living hope rather than a dead certainty is not 'fear', Bushie, it's just humility.

A reasonable Christian (not Bushie) could justify living past 40 by spreading the Good Word to people who actually need to hear it, instead of - quite literally - preaching to the choir all the time. Of course, all Bushie spreads are his grotesque legs apart on the La-Z-Boy after eating 3,000 calories and before watching 10 hours of people beating the crap out of each other. I can't possibly figure out what use God would have in Heaven for someone who merely pays him lip service, does nothing to spread the tenets of his faith in a meaningful way, chronically sins without actually acknowledging his wrongdoings and addressing them, and spends literally all of his free time lounging around like a sloth.

[Adam Griffin]

No one can dismiss bowling as a meaningless activity.  It is a pretty good work out.

It's better than sitting on your butt watching football. But that being said, you probably wouldn't have gotten that cheeseburger if you were sitting at home watching football so it was a no net gain.

You have a BMI of 45. You have nothing to stand on when it comes to defiantly saying "this is right" and "there is nothing wrong" when it comes to fitness. No one would ever take your advice on this matter and you should follow their lead.

You wanna bet?  Braum's is only 3 miles up the road...

LMAO I love it when Bushie defends a bad decision in a scenario by stating that he'd have made that bad decision no matter what.

[Adam Griffin]

No one can dismiss bowling as a meaningless activity.  It is a pretty good work out.

As far as physical activity goes... it is one of the most meaningless.

Perhaps he can try rolling himself down the lane next time, so long as the bowling pin mechanism drops ten ("pretty small") cheeseburgers in lieu of pins each frame? I bet he'd get a perfect score then, even without bumper rails!

[Adam Griffin]

So you said you were going to take a "day off" of dieting on Thanksgiving because it's a "holy day" and there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

What is your excuse for eating a cheeseburger on Saturday, November 29?

He already explained that.  He needed bowling energy.

He's got a good 100+ pounds of bowling energy stored around his midsection.

Yeah, closer to 150 if we're being exact here. Someone of Bushie's stature and "propensity" to work out should be around 130 pounds at most.

[Adam Griffin]

Good Sunday Afternoon.  I am home from a great worship service.  Very insightful.  The message helped to re-confirm my calling to move to Kenya.  I was starting to get down on myself that I wasn't doing what I need to to get there, but then after talking with my best friend at the church, I realize that maybe I am.  I am working right now and Mom and I are very successfully paying off my debt so I can be debt-free when I do go.  I'm still probably 3-4 years away from moving over there, but I'm hoping that sometime in 2018 or 2019 I can move over there for a year or two.  I am not called to go now, but I am called right now to start preparing myself to go over there.  Mom and I just paid off a major bill in October and I am starting to snowball onto another bill.  I am going to sit down with my pastor pretty soon and get his insight into what I need to be doing.

So, we've totally lost interest in weight loss of any kind, right?

Next Season:

[Adam Griffin]

People have to realize that since I'm living with someone, there are some changes I cannot make.  I will not be rude and not eat what she gives me.  Hospitality and manners are far more important than losing weight.

Saying, "Hey Mom, if I continue to eat what you make for me, I'm going to be dead in 10 years, tops" isn't being "rude". You're just a big ol' fatty that wants every excuse to shovel food into your mouth like a pig. Admit it.

That said, I can try to encourage healthy eating.

How in the hell are you going to do that while not being "rude" and speaking up for yourself?

Grandma usually fixes healthy meals.  Healthy doesn't have to involve stir-fry type dishes.  Meat and vegetables are what she grew up on at the table and is what she passes down to her kids and grandkids.

No. Your grandmother's generation grew up through the Depression and lived lives of generally hard physical labor. They not only could eat the things they cook, but they needed to in order to stay healthy. You're not a field-hand or a worker that spends 10-12 hours each day busting your butt. You sit on your ass and therefore the food she makes isn't "healthy" for you.  

Roast, ham, and beef and noodle casserole can be healthy.

For you, no, they cannot, because you'll shovel vast amounts of that down your gullet and eat NOTHING ELSE that is needed to go with it to make it healthy (vegetables, lean meat, fruits, etc).

Mashed potatoes are not outrageously bad.

Yes, they are! They're nothing but starch. The nutritional difference between potatoes and a box of Cheez-its is practically zero for you.  

Green Beans do not have to be fresh.  Canned GB works just as well especially when she doesn't put margarine in them.  Old country, southern cooking is not inherently unhealthy.

Yes, they do, and yes, it is. Otherwise, they are loaded with salt and that salt is sooner or later going to cause all the corroded arteries in your swollen body to bust wide open. Canned foods have to be salted, and they inherently taste inferior to fresh products. Why do you insist on being lazy? That's all this is about. You could have healthier and better-tasting variations if you or anyone in your family would learn how to do something other than open a freaking can. "Southern cooking" isn't opening a can of vegetables, lacing them with fat and throwing them in the microwave.


You really are hopeless.

[Adam Griffin]

[Adam Griffin]

[Adam Griffin]

[Adam Griffin]

"Southern cooking" isn't opening a can of vegetables, lacing them with fat and throwing them in the microwave.

This is a good point. As a proud Texan and not-so-proud Southerner, I find Bushie's depiction of our unique and delicious cuisine to be incredibly offensive. Not only are canned green beans not an integral part of Southern cuisine, but they are indeed completely anathema to it. The South is a rich and fertile region, with a bevy of delicious crops. Southern food is all about eating fresh fruits and vegetables, despite Bushie's depictions of it.

That said, it is of course inherently unhealthy. And Bushie's bastardized, canned and meat-heavy (for what is already a meat-heavy cuisine) version is even more so.

Of course, Bushie is just being deceptive as always. He's trying to cover up his family's complete lack of cooking skills and desire to be lazy by blaming it on our culture. I remember spending lots of time as a child either shucking beans or removing them from their pods before cooking:





Yet, this seems like a completely foreign concept to Bushie. I guess when you look at the fatty map I posted and the relatively fat-free and diabetes-free residents of North Georgia, things like this make sense. As best I can tell, Bushie's "Southern" lifestyle is really but a hybrid of the worst characteristics of "Southern" and "Midwestern" culture, resulting in his horrible lifestyle and poor life choices (served with over-salted vegetables, unhealthy hotdishes, pious superiority and a lack of shame).

[Adam Griffin]

Wow, guys, I did not ask to be lambasted while I was gone to church.  You think I'm hopeless.  You all, except for J-Mann, are hopeless for pointing fingers and viciously assassinating my character.  You'd think I'd learn and stop updating.  Let me ask this:  When I cease updating would you please stop assassinating my character and my family's character?  I do not want to hear a single, solitary word more of this vicious, no-good, lying, un-manlike garbage.

Your character is sh!t. You have zero self-control, zero work ethic, zero rationality, zero responsibility and zero chance of ever changing until you address all of that. "Un-manlike" is rich, coming from you. Look at all the excuses you've made in just the past few posts: "I don't want to offend people by not eating their food", "you all are making me fat by telling me to eat healthy", "Southern food is healthy because it's what I like", and so on. You sound like are a child.

How about this, guys, you know I can't stay away from the update.  How about we just change the subject and leave me to live my life how I please?  I may lose more weight if I don't have birds chirping in my ear all the time criticizing me for every adverse and boneheaded move.

Which Updater was egging you on at the bowling alley when you decided to shove a greasy cheeseburger down your gullet? Sorry, but you don't get to publish every little detail about your life and then only talk about the ones that paint you in a positive light. You already have a whole group of people in real life who enable your "character" by saying  "Good job, Jeff!" all the time after hearing about all of your "accomplishments" after you invariably put a deceptive spin on them.

This is all part of your act. Hopefully at some point, your enabling parents will wake up, slap the hell out of you, throw all of your belongings out on the front yard, go to Granny's and do the same, toss you out and change the locks. It's becoming abundantly clear that's the only way you'll ever learn to exert any responsibility for yourself in a meaningful way.

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[Adam Griffin]

I just got back from Walmart and got everything you suggested and will fix that for my lunch tomorrow.  I'm glad to know that mustard is good.  I've never liked mayo because of taste and I feel it is less healthy than mustard.  IIRC, and correct me if I'm wrong, the only thing mustard has that's more unhealthy than mayo is more sodium.  Mustard has no calories and very little fat and therefore doesn't add much to the sandwich or whatever its put on except a little sodium.  Like I said, please tell me if that's not true and tell me what the correct figures are.

?!?!?!

<5 calories per tsp.

[Adam Griffin]

That's a pretty short amount of time, in all honesty.  It should last one or two months, not 12 days.  Eh, I'll stick with the Southern Baptist tradition of Christmas all the month of December.  By the time January 1 rolls around, I'm starting to turn my focus toward Easter and Springtime.

Again, what a bunch of bullcrap. This is not a "Southern Baptist tradition", and you have NO RIGHT to claim that it is.

This is either something you:

a) have decided is so and want to convince everyone else is normal (forgetting that there are plenty of other, real Southerners on here who are steeped in the culture and who can rebuke your claims of "Southern" culture), or
b) your particularly niche congregation has its own wacky customs that you believe to be mainline, when in fact they are not.

My money is on a) for the most part, considering your fetish with holidays in general. People may put their trees and lights up after Thanksgiving - that is not confined to Southern Baptists or anything particularly to do with faith. Services may mention the coming holiday and have a feast or festival prior to Christmas (so as not to conflict with others' schedules), but Southern Baptists as a whole do not celebrate Christmas "all the month of December".

[Adam Griffin]

I had (I think?) my first kidney stone a couple of weeks ago or so. I woke up and suddenly the onset of pain began; I thought I had slept weirdly. Then it got so intense that I couldn't stand or sit in any position without writhing in agony, and I was even dry-heaving. I felt like I had to constantly pee but nothing was coming out after my first urination. I then chugged a bunch of water. The pain only lasted for an hour and a half though; I noticed a couple of black specks (really tiny) in the toilet right before the pain stopped and then a couple more over the course of the day, but I've had no issues since then. Either it's lying in wait somewhere or it was really tiny and gone. I shudder to think what a huge kidney stone is like.

[Adam Griffin]

Well, I'll give Bushie some tentative praise for finally showing some dietary restraint, but obviously there is still much work to be done by him.

[Adam Griffin]

He's keeping the apartment so that he can briefly relax once every couple of weeks without having to keep the volume "really low" like he does in Grandma's bedroom, duh.

Also, a little gem from the aforementioned link-flashback:

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[Adam Griffin]

So, am I correct in my understanding that the reason Bushie's stayed away from Update for nearly a week is because he's feeling offended on behalf of the Tulsa apartment?

Not just update, but away from the Forum. He's posted just once since quitting update. Interestingly though, he has logged in today.

This was all planned, of course.