Indy Texas's life is a miserable, irredeemable mess

[Indy Texas]

I'm dreading my 27th birthday in less than two months. I will spend it alone like always - maybe with my parents. What with this week being fairly slow at work, I've had more time to reflect on just how little I've done with my life.

My job is awful. The people are awful, the clients are awful, the pay is awful. I'm not challenged or fulfilled and have no avenues for advancement. I've been looking for other work to no avail.

Everything outside my job is awful. I have zero friends. No dating prospects. My V-card is still intact - it kind of makes me wish I were a woman since playing the frumpy, dowdy virgin spinster type seems fairly easy to pull off (I'd just buy a bunch of cats or something.)

Spending Friday and Saturday nights on here gives me no recourse beyond, "At least I'm not Bushie." Bushie is the Mississippi to my Arkansas.

I don't know how many more years of this I can handle. I might as well have been in a coma this entire time - I'd have as much to show for it.

I can't hope things will get better from here. When I was younger, there was that possibility - usually whenever a new school year started. Maybe high school will be better. Maybe college. Maybe senior year. Maybe after graduation. I've burned through that phase of life, though. Now I'm in the phase where options narrow, expectations are ratcheted downward and you start getting...old. I don't even have the benefit of reminiscence about happier youth - there wasn't any. Even when I was really little, I was always the loner, the one apart from the other kids. I remember being six years old, sitting in a corner by myself while the other kids carried on as if I wasn't there. And I just started crying. No one even noticed. No one ever noticed.

There's something really twisted and cruel about being alive but not actually having a life.

[RFayette]

Do you really have zero friends?  Maybe it's the fact that I'm in high school, but everyone seems to at least have some friends or at least people they hang around with. 

If so, just find clubs to join; join a church, even if you don't believe in God.  Go to the gym and join a workout or sports class. 

As far as the job is concerned, have you considered going back to school for a different degree?

[memphis]

I read your laundry list of problems. And loneliness does suck. And you have my sympathy. Now that you have identified the problems, what are you going to do to change them? I don't mean that in a 180 degree revolution sense, but there must be something you have control over that you can change for incremental progress.

[bedstuy]

You should talk to a therapist or a psychiatrist.  You probably have some type of social anxiety and feelings that need to be dealt with.

But, the overall thing I get from reading that is this:

You can't focus on what you don't have or what you should have.  The world doesn't owe you anything or give you anything sadly.  Feeling sorry and feeling ashamed for yourself is very self-defeating. 

Logically, I'm sure you understand what concrete steps you can take.  Sometimes the best advice is to ask for help from other people.  You may feel bad or ashamed about your situation, but a lot of people have problems with depression or have social anxiety or whatever.  If you just focus on the future, you would realize that 27 is not old.  You just need to get out of your rut and start doing stuff that you logically understand will make you happy and succeed in life. 

Start dating some girls, get on OKC or something ?  Do some career networking or talk to someone who can help you with job advice?  Volunteer?  Actually, volunteering is great.  I've made friends and done career networking through volunteering.  And, you feel less depressed if you help people. 

Cheer up!

[Antonio the Sixth]

I am so sorry. While I'm rather happy with my life as it is now, I can definitely relate with your situation and I fully realize how terrible that is.

I can only echo other posters and advise you to do your best to seek opportunities. Unless you are a particularly unpleasant person (which you don't seem to be, afaik) there is no reason people would not want to get to know you. Maybe you just haven't been in contact to the right kind of people. Everyone feels more accomplished when surrounded by a certain subset of people (be it in terms of personality, interests, culture, etc.). So, experiment with everything you can find.

[Southern Senator North Carolina Yankee]

I don't know how many more years of this I can handle. I might as well have been in a coma this entire time - I'd have as much to show for it.

I can't hope things will get better from here. When I was younger, there was that possibility - usually whenever a new school year started. Maybe high school will be better. Maybe college. Maybe senior year. Maybe after graduation. I've burned through that phase of life, though. Now I'm in the phase where options narrow, expectations are ratcheted downward and you start getting...old. I don't even have the benefit of reminiscence about happier youth - there wasn't any. Even when I was really little, I was always the loner, the one apart from the other kids. I remember being six years old, sitting in a corner by myself while the other kids carried on as if I wasn't there.

I have had similar experiences and since I haven't been back to college since 2012, I feel like I have been in a coma as well. I got really depressed about having to move back in January because that meant another year would be lost regarding schooling. This place never caused a problem with my schooling or real life, and it wasn't the cause of my lack of progress since 2012 either (that was the very RL problems financially and family wise that make me want to come here in the first place), but it has provided an outlet for my time that I wouldn't have had otherwise and yet I longed for when I could juggled both. Now that I am working, I find that difficult to do, particularly with my inflexible routines.

I also thought at some age or year, some marked shift would occur and suddenly, I would be different, but of course that never happened. I lost a lot of potential options a few years back because of my own insecurities and family imposed limitations.

Sometimes, it is only at the worst possible state that something can reach, that the tide finally turns. Perhaps the situation compels a bold action or others take notice and begin to do something, or both. My mom went through two failed marriages, including 24 years with the last one (my father) before she found someone she was happy with. Of course that was tragically cut short a year ago yesterday. Still she found someone she loved and was happy with after having basically given up. In spite of how it ended, it did restore my faith in the future to some extent.

[IceSpear]

Have you ever considered therapy? It's not a magic bullet, but it helps some people more than others. As for dating, have you tried online? I know there used to be a stigma attached to that, but it's not really the case anymore. Most people I know have an OkCupid or a Tinder account.

[Phony Moderate]

I can relate to many of your issues. Hang in there, focus on the positive aspects (however few there may seem to be in number) and seek therapy if you feel it might help.

[Maxwell]

I can relate to many of your issues. Hang in there, focus on the positive aspects (however few there may seem to be in number) and seek therapy if you feel it might help.

Yes this. I'm in an even more embarrassing predicament - very few friends AT COLLEGE.

[Sprouts Farmers Market ✘]

Have you ever considered therapy?

Can't speak for Indy, but as someone with many of the same issues, there is no way I could even consider just showing up somewhere and talking to a stranger. My campus has free services yet that somehow makes it even worse.

[Maxwell]

Have you ever considered therapy?

Can't speak for Indy, but as someone with many of the same issues, there is no way I could even consider just showing up somewhere and talking to a stranger. My campus has free services yet that somehow makes it even worse.

I tried therapy for a couple weeks and, while it was somewhat comforting, I didn't feel it improve my situation.

[Atlas Has Shrugged]

Have you ever considered therapy?

Can't speak for Indy, but as someone with many of the same issues, there is no way I could even consider just showing up somewhere and talking to a stranger. My campus has free services yet that somehow makes it even worse.

I tried therapy for a couple weeks and, while it was somewhat comforting, I didn't feel it improve my situation.

I've been in therapy for two years and my life has improved dramatically, but it is by an individual basis I guess. I'd still recommend at least trying it.

[angus]

Indy Texas's life is a miserable, irredeemable mess

It does sound awful, but nothing you posted is really irredeemable.

There's something really twisted and cruel about being alive but not actually having a life.

That's profound.  I'd use it for a signature but (a) I don't do signatures and (b) it'd no doubt be taken in a spirit in which it isn't intended and probably earn me death points for "insensitivity."

Still, it's very profound.  Maybe you should take up music.  You have lots of material and seem to be adept at communicating it effectively.  

I can't hope things will get better from here.

Not with that attitude.  You might just have to exert a little effort to that end, because hope alone probably won't make it get better, but in the meantime you can hope.  Also, you're not alone.  If we had any friends we'd be hanging with them instead of posting here, Fridays and Saturdays, just like you.  

One minor point:  Bushie is not the Mississippi to your Arkansas.  He is the Albania to your Portugal.  Think of it that way instead.  

27 is rough, no doubt.  I went through it myself.  It's the first four-syllable age and it makes you feel old.  I celebrated my 27th with a mean wench who constantly took me for granted.  Don't knock the V-card till you experience the harsh alternative.  My friend Glen, who turned 27 the same week as I did, ended up so depressed that he found religion.  He converted to Islam a few days after his 27th.  Cheer up, 28 is just around the corner.  Everything goes back to normal after that, even for Glen, or Kareem as he likes to be called nowadays.  

Still, you really oughtta talk to somebody face-to-face.  I think you'll find your way out of this hole, but it might just be time to admit that you need to confide in someone in person.  Friend, stranger, therapist, parent, co-worker, whoever.  Humans need other humans.  Even lone wolves need some company once in a while.  If you're in the area, you can look me up, but I'm a boring old married guy.  Man, find somebody to talk to about all this.  Face to face.   Though the details are different from person to person, we're all in the same, seemingly irredeemable mess.

[Badger]

I read your laundry list of problems. And loneliness does suck. And you have my sympathy. Now that you have identified the problems, what are you going to do to change them? I don't mean that in a 180 degree revolution sense, but there must be something you have control over that you can change for incremental progress.

Memphis is right.

[IceSpear]

Have you ever considered therapy?

Can't speak for Indy, but as someone with many of the same issues, there is no way I could even consider just showing up somewhere and talking to a stranger. My campus has free services yet that somehow makes it even worse.

I tried therapy for a couple weeks and, while it was somewhat comforting, I didn't feel it improve my situation.

I've been in therapy for two years and my life has improved dramatically, but it is by an individual basis I guess. I'd still recommend at least trying it.

Yeah, it varies for sure. It didn't do anything for me when I was a teenager, but it helped one of my friends a lot. There's nothing to lose in trying it.

[Foucaulf]

Here's what went through my head reading this:

-Just what is your pay like? For all of your worries, you have not said anything like "I can't afford to pay gas and rent" or "I get extreme anxiety over student debt." Maybe you have these problems - in which case I'm sorry for the doubt - or you have rich parents. But, if not, understand there are many Americans with your problems and under great financial insecurity.

-I can't sympathize much over your love life, because I've become convinced many people who mope over it really do so because they prefer the twisted pleasure of moping over exerting effort to meet someone.

-Do you have any hobbies that give you a reason to meet with people in real life? I don't care if it's artistic, musical, sports, Ingress, whatever. What's not okay is arguing with faceless individuals on the internet.

-There's obviously a lot to say about you. You have six thousand posts on here. That means something.

-I'd echo what people have said about therapy. At least give them a call; it would be a brave thing for you to do.

Your post is a step away from routine. Make another by the end of this week. Free write, work out, buy an album, go to church, something. There are many people who can't even afford to make such a choice. If you can, why not?

[Indy Texas]

Have you ever considered therapy?

Can't speak for Indy, but as someone with many of the same issues, there is no way I could even consider just showing up somewhere and talking to a stranger. My campus has free services yet that somehow makes it even worse.

I tried therapy for a couple weeks and, while it was somewhat comforting, I didn't feel it improve my situation.

I've seen psychiatrists and counselors before. At one point in college, I joined a support group for people with social anxiety disorder only to have the therapist leading it basically tell me he didn't think I really had SAD because I did fine during the cognitive behavioral exercises. I even broached the possibility that I might have Asperger's or otherwise be on "the spectrum" but was told I didn't meet any of the diagnostic criteria.

On some deeper level, I think I have trouble trusting people and I do have a very deep-seated fear of rejection. I've never had any close friends and acquaintances never become anything more. I don't seek out friends because I don't want to be in a situation where someone doesn't like me. The pattern always repeated itself when I was growing up. I'd meet someone, whether it was through a class or some activity, maybe they'd ask me to hang out once or twice, and then they wouldn't. I'd never ask them and certainly would never actually strike up a conversation with a stranger. But now that I'm older, people don't really seek out friends the way they do pre-adulthood, so those situations never come up. There are literally maybe five people who I'd even consider asking to go see a movie or something and they all live in other parts of the country. I don't really know what it's like to be mad at someone or have a serious argument or disagreement with them, because I've never been close enough to someone to be anything more than cordial, courteous and distant.

The only dates I've ever been on were ones where the girl more or less asked me out. And I never took it any further, because, again, I don't want to be rejected.

I work at a job that I'm probably overqualified to do - in part because it was virtually a given that I was going to be hired and because the work is so mundane and unchallenging, I basically can't fail. Even sending out job applications is hard for me because I don't want to be rejected.

Basically, I've led an extremely confined, risk-averse life and have found, sadly and perhaps too late, that there aren't any rewards to that kind of life. There's really not anything at all. To paraphrase one of those schlocky motivational posters I used to see in school, I've never taken any shots in life, so by default I've missed them all.

There's not really a convenient diagnostic box that I can be put in. I've taken antidepressants for years. They don't make me happy, but they keep me from feeling too sad. I'm sad right now, but it's nowhere near as bad as about a year and a half ago when I didn't get out of bed or eat for a week and contemplated suicide and was literally crying (something I'm not sure I'd done since I was little).

[J-Mann]

I actually teared up when I read this ... not necessarily for your situation now, as that's all fixable (difficult, but fixable). But for that little six-year-old you, sitting in the corner and crying while no one noticed. Everyone deserves to be noticed. For what it's worth, we notice you. We care.

I was going through a difficult time around 26 and 27 years old, as well -- feeling the pressure of the single life and feeling that my friendships were hollow ... asking, "Who would really be there for me?"

I eventually (and temporarily) got on some medication that pulled me out of my funk, and I stopped trying to be someone I wasn't. I took on more and more at work, I came out, and I realized that my life was my life -- unique and not to be limited by the definitions that anyone else had for what I was supposed to be.

PM me if you want to chat. I'd be happy to help. Know I feel for you, and that is hopefully a comfort -- knowing that others do care. And also know that Memphis is asking the right question: you've identified a number of problems -- now what are you doing to address them? Ask why. Then ask why again. Then ask why three more times. Then fix that root issue.

Easier said than done, but it's doable. Again, PM me if you need anything.

[anvi]

I don't have lots specific to say, Indy Texas.  I really like reading your posts and I hope things turn up better soon.

What I will say I'll keep general.  Everyone goes through dry, lonely times in life.  I felt a lot of what you are describing on a personal level between the ages of 21 and 26--it was rough.  Life is always changing and, most of the time, things never stay either good or bad for first-worlders.  When things are going well, it's important not to get too cocky, and when things are going bad, it's important to hang in there and not despair.  Life is hard for most people in different ways--it's not singling you out on that score.  So, just keep going, and while you're at it, a few other things maybe to keep in mind.

It's true, I think, that meeting people often gets trickier as we grow older and social circles change.  One thing that might work is finding a hobby and then joining groups, associations, teams, societies of people who also do that.  You'll already have something important in common off the bat, and you'll meet people you'll like beyond the hobby that way.

Not trusting people or being motivated by fear of rejection won't help in the long run.  Trust is only earned through friendship.  But, a good default attitude might be not so much not to trust people, but just not to expect too much.  If you know people who don't ask you for all sorts of things when you're up and don't kick you when you're down, that's already pretty good, so stick with those types and just deal with the rest.

As far as being risk-averse, it's pretty hard, and unwise, to just start taking risks arbitrarily.  You have to find something you love, that's really meaningful to you, something that you'd like to try no matter whether you succeed or fail.  Something that you don't want to find yourself at 45 saying: "I wish I would have at least tried that."  If you have something that you really have passion for, you'll take necessary risks for it without even thinking about it.  What you do for a living is something you'll spend most of your waking hours with for the next several decades.  Make it something you love and that's meaningful to you, because work that's anything else can make life a real bummer.  "Follow your bliss;" Joseph Campbell got that one right.

That's just my two cents.  Might not work for you, everyone's different.  But it's the only two cents I have at the moment.

Hope you feel better soon, Indy.  Like I said, I enjoy your posts a lot.

[HagridOfTheDeep]

We've talked before about this privately, and I know how you're feeling. I also feel a bit guilty that my life has so drastically turned around for the better since then, but if anything it's a testament to the fact that things can get better. For me, a lot of it was just about giving myself permission to take risks. A year ago I wouldn't have even told a stranger on Grindr my name. Last September I decided to go for it, and now I'm in a relationship with the first person I met in real life who ever knew I was gay. I know it sounds silly, but giving myself permission to take one risk made it easier to take others and seize opportunities, and now I'm so grateful for the growth I've experienced this year. I still get anxious about some social things, but life is good.

I encourage you to start thinking about putting yourself out there and giving yourself permission to be happy. It takes some initiative, but it's so worthwhile. And if you ever need anything (or just want to talk) let me know. Best of luck!

[Deus Naturae]

The fear of rejection is only natural. Humans have an evolutionary impulse to fear social rebuke as such could be potentially disastrous for a Paleolithic person living in a small tribal band. You just need to recognize your fear as an outdated evolutionary impulse with little to no relevance to modern social interaction. It's all just chemicals in your head.

As far as practical solutions for your problems go, building a completely new social circle at your age will be difficult, but not impossible. Just join communities that share interests of yours. If you don't have any, take up public speaking. This will help with your confidence and would also be a low pressure social environment since the other people attending a public speaking course would most likely be similar people trying to build up their confidence.

However, I think another problem is that you have no real drive in life, no overarching purpose. Most people don't, and live much less happy lives for it. I honestly don't know what you should do about that, other than try to find one. In the meantime, maybe start lifting weights? That has trackable progress, will make up feel better about yourself and improve your confidence, and certainly won't hurt with getting laid either. Plus you can meet new people at the gym.

Finally, as far as losing your virginity goes, I hear it's very easy for guys (especially white dudes) to get laid in the Philippines and Thailand (gotta watch out for the ladyboys in the latter though). I've never been, but I know a guy who had no success with girls his whole life but scored big time in the Phil's. Then again he may have just been banging hookers and lying about it (though that seems more like something that would happen in Thailand). You should do some research on this subject and then take a trip to one of these places on a quest for poon. It would add some excitement and adventure to your boring life and, if successful, give you a pretty big confidence boost and sense of accomplishment. Who knows, you may even decide that you like that part of the world better and stay.

[Ban my account ffs!]

Have a hug

[ingemann]

My advice; get a hobby. Your problem seem that you lack a social excuse to interact with new people, a hobby is a excellent way to get such a excuse. It doesn't really matter what the hobby is as long as it's social and preferable not one, where you can socialise over the internet.

[Starbucks Union Thug HokeyPuck]

Have you considered picking up a sport?  Exercise and commraderie could be good for you.

[tik 🪀✨]

What a great thread. That's strange to say because its basis is not great, but the spirit in response is very refreshing. A lot of people have a variation of that memory - crying while they thought no one noticed. And that's why I think so many people want to help, because we know you're never actually alone.

If you're feeling extremely amotivated and look towards each day with dread, I highly highly recommend seeking out help. It is very possible that you could get a change of perspective by getting a professional opinion. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Sometimes the way you feel isn't your fault. Sometimes a little bit of guidance from someone who has seen this a thousand times can mean everything.

Twenty-seven is still totally young, by the way. It's a weird stage where you're half expected to finally have a decent grasp of what the hell you're doing but still just fumbling around like an imbecile. Then again, I'm pretty sure that's what most of our years will lead to being, to varying degrees.