I Just Want To Be Dead

[Warren 4 Secretary of Everything]

Things would be so much easier. My life's been hell the last 6 months and I don't see it getting better,. I've tried to hang on til graduation because maybe then it'd get better but it's not. I just wish i could die right now

[King]

nah, it'll get better. then it will get worse then better. then worse again. then better.

that's just the spice of life.

[RFayette]

How has senior year been treating you?  I take it not great. 

[Warren 4 Secretary of Everything]

How has senior year been treating you?  I take it not great. 

It was supposed to be great and it all went downhill and it's all my fault.

[King]

How has senior year been treating you?  I take it not great. 

It was supposed to be great and it all went downhill and it's all my fault.

girl problems?

first semester freshman year of college will be better.

[retromike22]

Oh gosh, everyone in high school feels that way. And then everything gets way better. Think of it as a goal to look forward to, when you no longer have to put up with all of it.

[Southern Senator North Carolina Yankee]

For me it hit right after I graduated, but once I started college it improved. I have been to hell and back these past two years and haven't gotten back to finish my degree in three years, but I am no where near as depressed as I was back in June of 2010 oddly enough.

[Mr. Smith]

D'y'all think you could let him explain what he did first before anything else?

Seriously Clint:  What exactly has caused things to go downhill? What exactly did you do?

[Warren 4 Secretary of Everything]

I had a group of friends and we all hung out with each other. Then around September I started catching feelings for one of my female friends and we started getting close. We'd go out to eat alone sometimes & I'd occasionally buy her food. Well our other friends started getting jealous and started making jokes about us and how she had me "whipped". It eventually escalated on Halloween to her telling the school administration because we couldn't do anything or go anywhere without hearing their jokes and comments. This resulted in them hating us. The girl decided to dual enroll at the local colleges so she wouldn't have to deal with our old friends. But I had to stay and now I'm bullied repeatedly and consistently excluded from any plans they make (and we have all our classes together so I hear them talking). And they make jokes about how I'm not invited. So I basically lost all my friends because I fell in love with a girl.

While this is happening I confessed my feelings to the girl on October 7th and she said she didn't know how she felt (she had a boyfriend at the time but they were having issues). Until Halloween things weren't as bad for me. I wasn't as bothered by the jokes as she was because some of them were kinda funny (they called me the Minority Whip bc I'm black and whipped) and I love funny. Well after she told I was completely marginalized and my only friend was her. She and her boyfriend broke up around Thanksgiving and I tried to find out how she felt about "us". She repeatedly said she didn't know. She went to visit her mom for the Christmas holidays and so was out of town. Then on December 26th I saw her at the movies with another guy and I was furious. She hadn't even told me she was  back yet. So the night after that we talk again and I ask her point-blank would we ever date and she agin said she didn't know and hadn't thought about it. Well she's hot and newly single so all the guys are trying to get with her and I notice and am jealous. A week later I text her again trying to get a handle on what our relationship is and she tells me that she'd "repeatedly said we weren't happening and I was delusional". I'm pissed and tell her she was leading me on and we argue for a while and agree to stay friends.

Our former friends hear about it and now use every opportunity they can to make a joke about what happened to me because it's sooooo funny.

Well when we get back to school she's only there for 1 period so I'm basically alone. We make plans repeatedly and she always backs out of them at the last minute, sometimes without even telling me. Even though she's treating me like that I still care about her and help her pass her college classes. Then Friday our counselor tells me she hasn't been coming to class (she only needs 1st period science to graduate) and is failing with a 60. I keep trying to get her to come to class and she won't. So I'm stressing about her and getting her to come come to school so she can graduate. But she's being stubborn. Then tonight I talked to her and she says she no longer wants anything more to do with me and a thought finally sunk in:

I gave up my friends for a girl. The girl became my only friend. Said girl led me on and broke my heart. Then she left me so now I'm alone, repeatedly mad fun of for what happened, and stressed out because I'm scared she's ruining her future. It sounds so stupid saying it out loud because I've never had anyone to talk to about it.

[retromike22]

If they were real friends then they wouldn't treat you that way. You can always make new friends. I made more friends and met much more interesting people after high school. Forget that girl, she's not your responsibility. You'll meet lots of girls after high school. Just focus on your own work and keep your head up, and you'll survive

[Warren 4 Secretary of Everything]

If they were real friends then they wouldn't treat you that way. You can always make new friends. I made more friends and met much more interesting people after high school. Forget that girl, she's not your responsibility. You'll meet lots of girls after high school. Just focus on your own work and keep your head up, and you'll survive

This is exactly my thoughts as well. I know it's tough to think about right now, but you can do it

I want to so bad. I've tried. But no one else cares and I'm scared if I don't then she'll end up in a very bad place. The feelings I had for her were the realist I've ever felt for anyone, and I'm just trying to be a real friend. One that's got his head up your ass when you need it but don't want it.

[retromike22]

If they were real friends then they wouldn't treat you that way. You can always make new friends. I made more friends and met much more interesting people after high school. Forget that girl, she's not your responsibility. You'll meet lots of girls after high school. Just focus on your own work and keep your head up, and you'll survive

This is exactly my thoughts as well. I know it's tough to think about right now, but you can do it

I want to so bad. I've tried. But no one else cares and I'm scared if I don't then she'll end up in a very bad place. The feelings I had for her were the realist I've ever felt for anyone, and I'm just trying to be a real friend. One that's got his head up your ass when you need it but don't want it.

I think you should stop trying to help her. It can solve two problems at once. First, your friends won't think she's controlling you and second you wouldn't have to worry about her and could then focus on your own work. Just drop her. It's hard, especially when you're young, but think about the way she treats you. Wouldn't you rather have someone who truly loves you and treats you with more kindness? That girl exists, you just haven't met her yet. Think of that future girl as your goal.

[Deus Naturae]

It's all just chemicals in your head man. Hate to sound like a douche, but the cold, hard truth is that your "feelings" were/are just oxytocin. Anyway, King is right. Just wait until college (and in the meantime you can try to bag other girls in your school, hopefully winning back lost respect and possibly making her jealous, though that shouldn't be your goal, just a potential positive side effect).

[Vosem]

As a fellow high school senior who was just rejected in a promposal, I think I know how you feel. Just take solace in the fact that in a few months you'll be able to start over with completely new people in a completely new place. College is different, and it gets better

[Snowstalker Mk. II]

As a fellow high school senior who was just rejected in a promposal, I think I know how you feel. Just take solace in the fact that in a few months you'll be able to start over with completely new people in a completely new place. College is different, and it gets better

>tfw i was 2 for 2 in asking girls to prom

☭ > $

As to OP...yeah, your friends are clearly assholes. Don't blame yourself.

[Vosem]

As a fellow high school senior who was just rejected in a promposal, I think I know how you feel. Just take solace in the fact that in a few months you'll be able to start over with completely new people in a completely new place. College is different, and it gets better

>tfw i was 2 for 2 in asking girls to prom

☭ > $

As to OP...yeah, your friends are clearly assholes. Don't blame yourself.

The one actual self-declared communist I've met during high school (who sat to my left in AP Gov last year) never attended a prom, so I'm not sure that math works everywhere

Did you attend a prom prior to your senior year, or did you go to two different schools' proms? Just curious as to the tale behind this.

[Mr. Illini]

I struggled with depression toward the end of my high school career. My best friends from growing up had found others and essentially deserted me and I was very lonely. My social life was essentially non-existent.

Everything changed as my next step came and I started new. It really is a clean slate once you graduate and I developed a completely new social circle relocating to college. Think of the end of high school as a new start, because it really is.

Also, don't be afraid to reach out to a professional. I saw a professional just once and that was the beginning of feeling better because I had never really had the opportunity to just spill everything to someone. Even if you don't go the professional route, opening up here is good and if there is someone else that you might be interested in opening up to about this, a parent, grandparent, sibling, community member, educator, etc., I recommend it.

Feel better

[World politics is up Schmitt creek]

I can't really say anything Mr. Illini hasn't said already, except that I've been in similar places before so if you ever need to talk feel free to PM me. Also that Deus Naturae's observation and advice strike me as hugely unhelpful and irresponsible, respectively.

[Mr. Smith]

It's all just chemicals in your head man. Hate to sound like a douche, but the cold, hard truth is that your "feelings" were/are just oxytocin. Anyway, King is right. Just wait until college (and in the meantime you can try to bag other girls in your school, hopefully winning back lost respect and possibly making her jealous, though that shouldn't be your goal, just a potential positive side effect).

Jealousy, a positive side effect?....Bag girls like they are prizes?....Even for you that's low

I can't really say anything Mr. Illini hasn't said already, except that I've been in similar places before so if you ever need to talk feel free to PM me. Also that Deus Naturae's advice/observations/whatever strike me as hugely irresponsible and unhelpful.

Strike you? Ma'am if I do say so, you've got an impressive command of understatement.

[Deus Naturae]

It's all just chemicals in your head man. Hate to sound like a douche, but the cold, hard truth is that your "feelings" were/are just oxytocin. Anyway, King is right. Just wait until college (and in the meantime you can try to bag other girls in your school, hopefully winning back lost respect and possibly making her jealous, though that shouldn't be your goal, just a potential positive side effect).

Jealousy, a positive side effect?....Bag girls like they are prizes?....Even for you that's low

It's a common vernacular phrase.

As for the jealousy thing, it probably won't happen since she has a boyfriend and rarely goes to his school anymore, plus actively trying to get other people jealous rarely works anyway. But, if it actually did, what would be bad about that?

Also, re-reading my initial post the tone is somewhat frivolous so I get what Madeline is saying, and I apologize to the OP if it came off as uncaring or unhelpful since you're clearly in a very tough place right now. However, my advice is the same. You just need to move on and enjoy life.

[MASHED POTATOES. VOTE!]

I understand your feelings, I've been there myself. But I also know from my own experience that nothing like this is permanent

[afleitch]

No you don't want to be dead. You just want the situation you are in to stop and in order to do that you have to let certain things go. Do something, anything that doesn't involve her or your old friends. There are dozens of things you can do and you know what? It'll be awkward and you'll feel weird and you'll just want to go home but eventually you'll start enjoying these new things and meet new people.

[Chancellor Tanterterg]

First and most importantly, things would not be better if you were dead.  That's not just my opinion, Clint, it's a fact.  Your family and many others would be devastated and the world would be a worse place without you in it.  Retromike is absolutely right that if the folks you mentioned were real friends, they'd have understood.  They might've joked around a bit about the "whipped" thing (and that's normal), but they wouldn't have done it in a harassing sort of way and certainly wouldn't have stopped being your friend because of it if they were ever real friends.  You'll start with a blank slate in college and meet plenty of new people, some of whom may very well end up becoming real and life-long friends.  Another thing to keep in mind is that some of the your former friends may get over whatever they're mad at you about (whether you'd be willing to forgive their behavior if this happens is another story and something only you can decide).  The end of high school has a way of healing grudges and old wounds.  Senior classes often come together as the end approaches and everyone wants to leave with good memories about each other in the last few months (at least, that was how it was at my high school).

As for the the girl, that's gonna hurt for awhile, there's no getting around that.  Ultimately, however, the best thing you can do is to try to move on.  It won't happen over night, but as someone who went through a pretty devastating situation of my own involving a girl whom I was in love with (and actually in a serious relationship with), I can promise you that time will gradually heal all wounds.  I'm not gonna get into the details of what I went through because this isn't about me, but I will say that I know from first hand experience that things will get better (even if the healing process is slow and this hurts like a son of a b!tch in the meantime).  

Right now, it may seem like there couldn't possibly be anyone else who can make you feel the way this girl did, but in time you'll find that there are other girls (and some may even be interested in having a serious relationship if you play your cards right).  Think of it this way: Realistically, there have to be a number of people out there for everyone, otherwise no one would ever have a happy relationship (let alone a happy marriage).  If there was just one "right" person for everyone, there'd be too many people for anyone to ever find the "right" person for them.  So statistically speaking, the idea that there is one "right" person for you or anyone else is simply not grounded in reality.

From what you described, it sounds like what may've happened in this situation was that the girl was never interested in being anything more than friends and probably didn't intend to give you the impression that the two of you were dating.  If that was the case, then when she said stuff like "I don't know" or "I haven't thought about it," she was probably trying to tell you that she wasn't interested without hurting your feelings.  Many girls genuinely think they're softening the blow by saying stuff like "I don't know," "I haven't really thought about it," or "let's just be friends."  Ironically, that can sometimes send mixed signals and actually make it a more drawn out, uncomfortable, and painful process (whether by inadvertently giving the impression that they really do want to still be friends or by causing someone to have a "so you're saying there's a chance?" type reaction).  I obviously wasn't there, so I don't know, but from what you described, it sounds like that may've been what happened.  In other words, you may well have simply misunderstood the signals she was trying to give you causing her to get increasingly irritated with you.  

Incidentally, I should note that it is never a good idea to try to start a relationship with a girl if she already has a boyfriend (for a wide variety of reasons, some pertaining to moral issues and others to practical considerations).  It's something that probably won't end well for whoever does it and will almost inevitably leave at least one person (and quite possibly everyone involved) feeling serious emotional pain.

I know you may not want to hear this, but he truth is that the best thing you can do is to give her space and begin the slow process of moving on both intellectually and emotionally.  I'm not saying that she'll want to be with you if you do that, but it'll both allow the healing process to begin and reduce the chances of her feeling like you're harassing her and refusing to accept that her answer is no.  At the end of the day, the best thing you can do (for a variety of reasons) is to slowly stand back up, dust yourself off, climb back in the arena, and focus trying to move on at both an intellectual and emotional level.  

For better or worse, life has ups, downs, and everything in between.  No one gets through for free, we all have our struggles, challenges, and demons.  Things may feel pretty bleak today and maybe even tomorrow, but I promise that sooner or later the sun will come up again.

One other thing: Cathcon is absolutely right that should ignore Deus' terrible advice!

[Antonio the Sixth]

I have nothing to add to the very kind words of support and advice that many posters have already shared, but I can only concur that we've all been there at some point or another, and that things will certainly get better.

Most importantly, keep in mind that these people were never your friends to begin with, and you are better off without them. You will make better (as in, real) friends in College.

[DemPGH]

Well, at the risk of sounding like one of your teachers or professors (because certainly I'm old enough to be one!), let me tell you that the college years and your 20s and moving into the professional sphere all bring lots and lots of opportunities for new friends and relationships, and people are far more mature, so those friendships have a much better chance of lasting. These jerks will be a very distant memory before you even realize it. Just get out and get around a little bit and you'll meet all kinds new and interesting people and time will fly.