I Just Want To Be Dead

[Warren 4 Secretary of Everything]

Things would be so much easier. My life's been hell the last 6 months and I don't see it getting better,. I've tried to hang on til graduation because maybe then it'd get better but it's not. I just wish i could die right now

[Warren 4 Secretary of Everything]

How has senior year been treating you?  I take it not great. 

It was supposed to be great and it all went downhill and it's all my fault.

[Warren 4 Secretary of Everything]

I had a group of friends and we all hung out with each other. Then around September I started catching feelings for one of my female friends and we started getting close. We'd go out to eat alone sometimes & I'd occasionally buy her food. Well our other friends started getting jealous and started making jokes about us and how she had me "whipped". It eventually escalated on Halloween to her telling the school administration because we couldn't do anything or go anywhere without hearing their jokes and comments. This resulted in them hating us. The girl decided to dual enroll at the local colleges so she wouldn't have to deal with our old friends. But I had to stay and now I'm bullied repeatedly and consistently excluded from any plans they make (and we have all our classes together so I hear them talking). And they make jokes about how I'm not invited. So I basically lost all my friends because I fell in love with a girl.

While this is happening I confessed my feelings to the girl on October 7th and she said she didn't know how she felt (she had a boyfriend at the time but they were having issues). Until Halloween things weren't as bad for me. I wasn't as bothered by the jokes as she was because some of them were kinda funny (they called me the Minority Whip bc I'm black and whipped) and I love funny. Well after she told I was completely marginalized and my only friend was her. She and her boyfriend broke up around Thanksgiving and I tried to find out how she felt about "us". She repeatedly said she didn't know. She went to visit her mom for the Christmas holidays and so was out of town. Then on December 26th I saw her at the movies with another guy and I was furious. She hadn't even told me she was  back yet. So the night after that we talk again and I ask her point-blank would we ever date and she agin said she didn't know and hadn't thought about it. Well she's hot and newly single so all the guys are trying to get with her and I notice and am jealous. A week later I text her again trying to get a handle on what our relationship is and she tells me that she'd "repeatedly said we weren't happening and I was delusional". I'm pissed and tell her she was leading me on and we argue for a while and agree to stay friends.

Our former friends hear about it and now use every opportunity they can to make a joke about what happened to me because it's sooooo funny.

Well when we get back to school she's only there for 1 period so I'm basically alone. We make plans repeatedly and she always backs out of them at the last minute, sometimes without even telling me. Even though she's treating me like that I still care about her and help her pass her college classes. Then Friday our counselor tells me she hasn't been coming to class (she only needs 1st period science to graduate) and is failing with a 60. I keep trying to get her to come to class and she won't. So I'm stressing about her and getting her to come come to school so she can graduate. But she's being stubborn. Then tonight I talked to her and she says she no longer wants anything more to do with me and a thought finally sunk in:

I gave up my friends for a girl. The girl became my only friend. Said girl led me on and broke my heart. Then she left me so now I'm alone, repeatedly mad fun of for what happened, and stressed out because I'm scared she's ruining her future. It sounds so stupid saying it out loud because I've never had anyone to talk to about it.

[Warren 4 Secretary of Everything]

If they were real friends then they wouldn't treat you that way. You can always make new friends. I made more friends and met much more interesting people after high school. Forget that girl, she's not your responsibility. You'll meet lots of girls after high school. Just focus on your own work and keep your head up, and you'll survive

This is exactly my thoughts as well. I know it's tough to think about right now, but you can do it

I want to so bad. I've tried. But no one else cares and I'm scared if I don't then she'll end up in a very bad place. The feelings I had for her were the realist I've ever felt for anyone, and I'm just trying to be a real friend. One that's got his head up your ass when you need it but don't want it.

[Warren 4 Secretary of Everything]

My advice?

Get a Netflix subscription and watch all eleven seasons of Cheers.

Hands down best advice I've gotten.