2014-2028: The Just Beginning Golden Age

[Heisenberg]

What are the numbers for North Carolina, Alabama, Arkansas and Colorado?

[100% pro-life no matter what]

10:14 PM:

FOX News is now able to make a projection in the Tarheel State:

NORTH CAROLINA- 16 EV (97% reporting)
President Bill Haslam- 45.4%
Ron Reagan- 44.8%

President Bill Haslam: 244
Ron Reagan: 140

Now, the question remains how much of a benefit this will be for Haslam.  If he loses both Texas and California, the map becomes much tougher, even with the recent calls of Georgia and North Carolina.

We can also make one more call:

COLORADO- 9 EVs (39% reporting)
President Bill Haslam: 43.7%
Ron Reagan: 38.4%

It has to be a relief for Haslam that he carried Colorado, but it is also worrying for his campaign that it took so long for us to be able to do so.  If he can perform that well with similar demographics in California, Reagan should be able to win its 56 electoral votes.  But, with Haslam up to 253, Reagan's path to 270 is getting narrower and narrower by the second.  Even winning Texas, Nevada, Washington, Oregon, and California would not be enough for him.  And, Oregon is still a potentially decent demographic state for Haslam.  He would likely need to win one or two of the remaining Southern states or the two non-contiguous states to win.

Here are the current numbers from Alabama and Arkansas.

ALABAMA (98% reporting):
Ron Reagan: 49.47%
President Bill Haslam: 49.38%

ARKANSAS (81% reporting):
President Bill Haslam: 48.9%
Ron Reagan: 48.5%

President Bill Haslam: 253
Ron Reagan: 140

[Heisenberg]

Update in Texas?

[100% pro-life no matter what]

11 PM:

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a race!  It is the top of the hour, and polls are now closing in the final four mainland states.  At this time, we can project Nevada, Washington, and his home state of California for Ron Reagan.  Oregon is too early to call, but that one is looking good for Mr. Reagan as well.

President Bill Haslam: 253
Ron Reagan: 214

Obviously, Texas is a must win for Reagan, but, if he wins the Lone Star State, we could realistically be looking at the possibility of a president that we do not know where he stands on any issue.  Just giving Texas to Mr. Reagan would actually put him ahead for the first time tonight.

Let's see an update on the three uncalled states:
TEXAS (77% reporting)
Reagan: 42.2%
Haslam: 40.6%
Castro: 15.3%

Castro's voters said that they would have picked Haslam by a margin of 51%-42% in a binary race, so Castro's increased vote share in Texas may be what carries the state (and possibly the election) for Ron Reagan.

ALABAMA (2 precincts out)
Ron Reagan: 49.434%
President Bill Haslam: 49.432%
Margin: Reagan +46

We are actually able to now call that the state of Alabama will require a recount to determine the winner.  Could Alabama 2028 be Florida 2000?  Might Reagan's snub of Auburn have cost him the presidency?

ARKANSAS (92% reporting)
President Bill Haslam: 49.5%
Ron Reagan: 48.0%

Hang on, America, as we have major news to report!

Ron Reagan is tweeting that his campaign has independently called Oregon, Texas, and Alabama for him, and he is now declaring victory.  It is yet to be seen whether he will make a speech tonight.

[100% pro-life no matter what]

11:44 PM:

We finally have all returns in in Alabama, and we can declare Ron Reagan the apparent winner of the State of Alabama.  But, given how close it is, we have no idea who will prevail after the recount.

ALABAMA (100% reporting)
Reagan: 49.434%
Haslam: 49.433%
Margin: Reagan +9

We are not shading Alabama in green on our map, but some other networks are doing so.

At this hour, we are, however, able to call OREGON for Ron Reagan.

President Bill Haslam: 253
Ron Reagan: 222

Updates from Texas and Arkansas:

TEXAS (88% reporting)- A mathematical must-win for Reagan
Reagan: 41.8%
Haslam: 41.0%
Castro: 15.3%

Things are still looking OK for Reagan in the Lone Star State, but Haslam has been steadily catching up over the last hour or so, so we are not yet able to make a call here.

ARKANSAS (97% reporting)
Haslam: 49.6%
Reagan: 48.0%

It certainly looks like Arkansas will give its three votes to the president tonight.  I would expect a call soon.  If he can win Arkansas, it will get Haslam closer to 270, but he still cannot win without one of Texas and Alaba-------A checkmark suddenly pops up on the screen

ARKANSAS (97% reporting)
Haslam: 49.6%
Reagan: 48.0%

President Bill Haslam: 259
Ron Reagan: 222

[Heisenberg]

What are the latest percentages in Alabama?

[100% pro-life no matter what]

What are the latest percentages in Alabama?

I said that 100% of the vote is in, and Reagan has apparently won by 9 votes, pending the recount.

[Clark Kent]

Huh. That map doesn't actually look that strange, apart from Arkansas, Georgia, and South Carolina going for Haslam.

[Heisenberg]

What are the latest percentages in Alabama?

I said that 100% of the vote is in, and Reagan has apparently won by 9 votes, pending the recount.

Whoa, how did I miss that?

[100% pro-life no matter what]

12:13 AM:

We now go out to Los Angeles, where Ron Reagan is speaking to supporters of his campaign.  We expect him to be declaring victory, despite currently being behind in the electoral college.

--LOS ANGELES, CA---

Thank you, California!  Thank you, Texas!  Thank you, Alabama!  Thank you to the United States of America!  But, most of all, I want to thank my supporters for getting the job done and sending President Haslam back to Tennessee!  I can only imagine the tears rolling down the faces of those elitist supporters of his in Nashville right now.  And- get this- he still says that he's going to win the election.  But, that's impossible- every vote has been counted in Alabama, and we won.  We're also way ahead in Texas.  That means we won.  That man may try to challenge it in court, but there is no reason to doubt.  I will be the 47th President of the United States.

(Massive cheers in the audience)

I do want to let the rest of the country in on the nature of my campaign.  I ran a stealth campaign, pretending to be something I was not.  I am no conservative, that's for sure!

(Confused screaming audible in the background)

I am not proud of the tactics that I used to win this election, but, in this case, the ends do justify the means.  This country had lost sight of progressivism, and we needed to get that back.  President Haslam is a right-wing extremist, and unfortunately, the American public bought into the Walker-Haslam craziness.  But, if there is one person those knuckle-draggers idolize more than Walker or Haslam, it's my dad.  My dad is the worst thing that has ever happened to this country, but I knew it was my duty to play into that to get elected and destroy conservatism.

But, the big winner today is BOOM  BOOM  BOOM

(The Secret Service tackles Ron Reagan behind his podium)

[Heisenberg]

Final Texas numbers?

[100% pro-life no matter what]

Final Texas numbers?

The networks have yet to call Texas, but Reagan has called it for himself.

[Devout Centrist]

Did I forget my meds again?

I'll have to give Dr. Kevorkian a call if not.

[100% pro-life no matter what]

OK, it's back!!

Welcome back to FOX News, and you just witnessed a historic moment.  Right after Reagan confessed about the true nature of his campaign, one of his former supporters who had been fooled attempted to assassinate the potential president-elect.  You have just seen one of the all-time low-points of American history.  There is definitely going to be a lot more to this story, and we'll keep you updated as the details continue to come in.  It's been five minutes since the attempted assassination, and we can confirm that Ron Reagan was uninjured in the incident, but there are conflicting reports about the health of one Secret Service agent who rushed to protect the candidate.

Let's remember that no one looks good in all of this.  A former supporter just tried to kill a candidate during his victory speech, which he was giving even though no one has called the election for him just yet.  But, also, we have had a candidate and potential president admit that his entire campaign was a lie to the American people.

But, stay with us, as we still have to follow what is going on in Alabama, which appears to be headed to a recount, and Texas.  Plus, we have received word that Reagan will be finishing his speech from a private room with Secret Service protection in about 15 minutes.  We'll take a break, but there is a lot more still to come!!

[100% pro-life no matter what]

12:47 AM:

We are now ready to return to Los Angeles for the rest of Ron Reagan's speech, but we can now call it an "apparent victory speech", as we have the following projection to make:

TEXAS (41 EV)- 95% reporting:
Ron Reagan: 41.6%
President Bill Haslam: 41.1%
Julian Castro: 15.4%

So, here is our new electoral map:

Ron Reagan: 263
President Bill Haslam: 259

If Ron Reagan is confirmed as the winner of Alabama following the recount, he will be the 47th President of the United States.  CNN has given Reagan Alabama, so that is why they are reporting that he has won, but we're going to let the recount play out.  We will listen into his speech and then come back to see if we can make a call in Alaska, which could be pivotal in the event that President Haslam is able to carry Alabama.

[100% pro-life no matter what]

I hope to do the final push over the next few days.  Any guesses on how it ends?

[Present]

I hope to do the final push over the next few days.  Any guesses on how it ends?

Faithless electors give Haslam the Presidency, or Ron is automatically impeached by Congress because they clearly wouldn't like that guy much. Finally, the US will enter the second Era of Good Feelings after they give Ron to the North Koreans.

[100% pro-life no matter what]

-Back in Los Angeles, CA in a private, secured room away from the public

Apparent President-Elect Ron Reagan:

Ladies and gentlemen, I am so lucky to be alive.  That- what you just saw right there- is why we need guns to be removed from our society.  The Second Amendment people believe that guns are necessary in our society to protect people from other people with guns.  But, that's silly!  If no one had guns in the first place, no one would be able to murder anyone anymore.  The Progressive Party was kind enough to take a chance on me to reverse this craziness of the past 12 years, and that is my duty.  Under my administration, we will repeal the 2nd Amendment so that the next president doesn't get killed when giving zirs- you heard that right, zirs- victory speech like I almost did.

Vice President-elect Richards will be in charge of making sure that we get Planned Parenthood v. Walker overturned immediately!  We can't live in a country where women can't do what they want with their bodies.  A woman who is pregnant does not have a baby inside of her; it's a clump of cells!!  Taxes are way too low now.  I am a proud Marxist when it comes to the economy, and I will tax all income 100% and then give every American the exact same amount back.  That's the only fair way of doing this!!  Capitalism has destroyed our country, and it's got to go.

I recognize that I am white, but white people are the problem in our society.  We enslaved and killed minorities for centuries, and we still deport those who are not supposed to be here.  To correct for this discrimination, we need to favor minorities.  A goal for my administration is to ban all whites from serving in top positions in our companies- which will soon be state owned, of course- and our government!  I promise I will be the last white president!  Down with white people!!

These regressive social values from the 1800s...the 1800s BCE (we can't say BC, as that legitimizes Christianity, which will be banned in public effective my first day) are the worst thing about America, the oppressor of the world!  By the way, we will no longer celebrate Independence Day and we will ban all "patriotic" songs and attire, as we have been such a terrible, regressive, and oppressive nation.  In this country, it is illegal to smoke marijuana.  The only thing that should be illegal to consume is meat!!  Look what I have in my pocket! (He pulls out some marijuana and starts smoking it).  Come arrest me now, police!  We had made some progress, albeit not enough, under President Obama, such as the legalization of gay marriage.  I only want to ban straight marriage, as the straights have been oppressing the gay community for millennia.  They need to learn their lesson.

To the idiot supporters of my fake campaign, thank you!!  Your stupidity is all that has allowed me to usher in this era of positive change and a repudiation of conservatism!!!  Congratulations, you have successfully made a f****t the President of the United States.  You are the worst people on the planet, and I will make sure the rest of your life is absolutely awful!  Maybe some sort of

POLICE RUSH THE ROOM

Policeman: You are under arrest for smoking marijuana, Mr. Reagan
Reagan: But, I'm the President of the United States
Policeman: No, you're not.  Not until January 20th, if you even win!!
Reagan: I hate cops!!

[100% pro-life no matter what]

1:00 AM in the FOX News studio:

Kelly: Any thoughts there?
Baier: No, I'm at a loss for words right now.  That was the most bizarre speech I have ever heard!
Kelly: This guy can't win, can he?
Baier: Well, unless both a recount in Alabama stops him and the Alaskan or Hawaiian people reject him, he will take office.
Kelly: What about those unconstitutional things he just proposed like banning Christianity in public and banning meat consumption?
Baier: He can't do that.  Banning meat consumption is not unconstitutional per se, but he would need the support of Congress to do that, which he will never get.
Kelly: Hang on a second.  I want to talk much more about this moment in history that we just witnessed, but we have a call to make in Alaska, where the polls have just closed.

ALASKA (3 EV)- Projected for President Haslam

Ron Reagan: 263
President Bill Haslam: 262

Kelly: Adding Alaska to President Haslam's column makes Hawaii irrelevant.  This election will come down to the results of the recount in Alabama.  We can imagine that, if this election were held now, we would not have seen the same result in Alabama or many other conservative Southern states.  To think, it's only a perceived slight of one college football team in favor of another that is- for now- stopping someone from winning the presidency with a campaign based on a lie.

Baier: A couple other things I want to note from Reagan's speech include his vows to overturn Planned Parenthood v. Walker, which criminalized abortion, and the Second Amendment.  I'm not exactly sure how he would go about this.  The Supreme Court is clearly not on his side, and he would pretty much have to throw away the Constitution and become, essentially, an absolute ruler.  But, given the absurdity of this election and his campaign, maybe he is considering just that.

Kelly: One more question that our viewers have brought up is how he plans to govern the country from jail.  What we should make clear is that he will likely only be in jail overnight, as he wasn't dealing drugs.  He should receive a fine and maybe some probation or community service.

Baier: But, I'm pretty sure he just announced that he was gay at the end before the police cut him off.

Kelly: Well, there were always rumors about that when his dad was president.

NEXT UP: A secret meeting in Alabama and a Reagan realization (plus, the irrelevant call in Hawaii)

[Heisenberg]

ExtremeRepublican, wouldn't the name "Progressive Party" give away his true views? How exactly did the people who saw Reagan as more conservative than Haslam fall for the trick with the name of the party.

[100% pro-life no matter what]

ExtremeRepublican, wouldn't the name "Progressive Party" give away his true views? How exactly did the people who saw Reagan as more conservative than Haslam fall for the trick with the name of the party.

He lied about what it meant in his first campaign ad, and people bought it.  Plus, he was running to Haslam's right on many issues throughout the campaign.  And, watch for some spinning of that most recent speech in the next couple posts!

You must be logged in to read this quote.

[Heisenberg]

ExtremeRepublican, wouldn't the name "Progressive Party" give away his true views? How exactly did the people who saw Reagan as more conservative than Haslam fall for the trick with the name of the party.

He lied about what it meant in his first campaign ad, and people bought it.  Plus, he was running to Haslam's right on many issues throughout the campaign.  And, watch for some spinning of that most recent speech in the next couple posts!

You must be logged in to read this quote.

Ah, I see. Thanks. Looking forward to the next update.

[Kingpoleon]

What happened to Shepard Smith?

[100% pro-life no matter what]

This will soon be revived, and get excited for a crazy ending.

Also, a lot of the inspiration for Ron Reagan's character was the liberal caricature of President Trump along with the hypothesis that some had in the primary of him being a secret liberal saboteur.

[DPKdebator]

Even if Ron Reagan wins the election, that "victory speech" of his will probably spawn a lot of faithless electors, especially considering he did a 180 degree turn (likely making people feel lied to).