My Wacky and Wild 2016 Election Timeline

[JonathanSwift]

Welcome, one and all, to our Election Night 2016 Timeline! Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and running mate Senator Tim Kaine of Virginia are running to win a third White House term for their party, while former Florida Governor Jeb Bush and running mate Governor Brian Sandoval of Nevada are seeking to recapture that office for theirs.

It's 7:00 p.m., and polls are closing in the first six states. We can call only one of these.

Vermont has been won by Hillary Rodham Clinton.

All other states are too close to call.

[JonathanSwift]

It's now 7:24 p.m., and Kentucky has been called for Jeb Bush. Not a big surprise -- Hillary Clinton's husband won the state narrowly twice, and it has trended hard right ever since -- but the fact that we had to wait at all to call it bodes ill for the Bush campaign tonight.

It's 7:30 p.m., and three more states have closed their polls. It appears that North Carolina, Ohio, and West Virginia are ALL too close to call. Again, West Virginia will almost certainly break Republican in the end, but its closeness should dearly worry the Republican campaign.

Former Governor Jeb Bush (R-FL) / Governor Brian Sandoval (R-NV): 8 Electoral Votes
Former Secretary of State (D-NY) / Senator Tim Kaine (D-VA): 3 Electoral Votes

[JonathanSwift]

It's 7:38 p.m. and we are now able to call Indiana for Jeb Bush.

It is now 7:50 p.m. and we can call South Carolina, a state which hasn't gone Democratic since 1976, for Jeb Bush.

It's 7:52 p.m. and we are able to call Virginia for the Democratic ticket. Very bad news for Jeb Bush at this time. It must be little consolation that we can also now project West Virginia as a Republican win.

Former Governor Jeb Bush (R-FL) / Governor Brian Sandoval (R-NV): 33 Electoral Votes
Former Secretary of State (D-NY) / Senator Tim Kaine (D-VA): 16 Electoral Votes

[The Other Castro]

Wow Virginia at 7:52? That must be a new record.

[JonathanSwift]

It's 8:00 p.m. and we have many projections to make.

Alabama, Mississippi, Oklahoma, and Tennessee have been won by Jeb Bush.

Connecticut, Delaware, the District of Columbia, Illinois, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, New Jersey, and Rhode Island have gone to Hillary Clinton.

Florida, Missouri, New Hampshire, and Pennsylvania are as yet too close to call.

Former Secretary of State (D-NY) / Senator Tim Kaine (D-VA): 92 Electoral Votes
Former Governor Jeb Bush (R-FL) / Governor Brian Sandoval (R-NV): 66 Electoral Votes

[JonathanSwift]

It's 8:30 p.m. Arkansas has closed and is too close to call. However, at this time we can call both New Hampshire and Pennsylvania for Hillary Clinton.

It's 8:44 p.m. and we have a major announcement to make. Hillary Clinton has won the crucial swing state of Ohio for the Democratic ticket. This is an extremely positive development for the Democratic ticket. No candidate has won the Presidency without Ohio since 1960.

Former Secretary of State (D-NY) / Senator Tim Kaine (D-VA): 134 Electoral Votes
Former Governor Jeb Bush (R-FL) / Governor Brian Sandoval (R-NV): 66 Electoral Votes

[Amenhotep Bakari-Sellers]

I hope NC goes to Hilary.

[JonathanSwift]

It's 9:00 p.m. and a massive swath of states are closing their polls as we speak.

Kansas, Louisiana, Nebraska, Nebraska's 1st District, Nebraska's 3rd District, North Dakota, South Dakota, Texas, and Wyoming have been won by Jeb Bush.

Michigan, Minnesota, New York, and Wisconsin can be projected for Hillary Clinton.

Arizona, Colorado, Nebraska's 2nd District, and New Mexico are too close to call at this hour.

This brings the Democratic ticket to 199 Electoral votes. When the West Coast closes in two hours, we will be able to call the race for Hillary Clinton. You heard it here first, folks: we believe that Hillary Rodham Clinton will be our 45th President. For a competing view, though, we'll be talking to Mr. Bush's campaign manager. That's right after this break, so stay tuned.

Former Secretary of State (D-NY) / Senator Tim Kaine (D-VA): 199 Electoral Votes
Former Governor Jeb Bush (R-FL) / Governor Brian Sandoval (R-NV): 131 Electoral Votes

[100% pro-life no matter what]

Given the title, why do I have some weird idea in my head that Bush has a miracle comeback...

[JonathanSwift]

Okay, folks, welcome back. We're here with the Republican campaign manager, Mark Halperin. Welcome Mark.



Halperin: Thanks, Jonathan.

Reporter: Mr. Halperin, we've already projected both Ohio and Virginia for Ms. Clinton, and it's only 9:07. Is it fair to say the election is basically over?

Halperin: No, I don't think so. The Republican ticket this time around has big Hispanic appeal. We expect to do very well in the West, especially California.

News staff: hysterical laughter

Reporter: California? Really, Mr. Halperin? Come on!

Halperin: California is a cornerstone of the Republican electoral strategy that I have devised. You just wait and see. A Bush won it in 1988, and one will do it again tonight!

Reporter: --restraining laughter-- Okay, great. Thanks, Mr. Halperin. Glad to talk to you.

Halperin: Any time.

[JonathanSwift]

It's 9:57 p.m. and we can now project Arizona for the Republican ticket.

It's 10:00 p.m. and four more states just closed their polls.

Montana and Utah have been won by Jeb Bush.

Iowa and Nevada are too close to call.

At this time, we are also calling Arkansas and Missouri for Bush, and North Carolina for Clinton.

Former Secretary of State (D-NY) / Senator Tim Kaine (D-VA): 214 Electoral Votes
Former Governor Jeb Bush (R-FL) / Governor Brian Sandoval (R-NV): 167 Electoral Votes

[BigVic]

Bush should now write his concession speech

[JonathanSwift]

It's 10:19 p.m. and we are able to declare Bush the winner in Nebraska's 2nd District.

It's 10:29 p.m. and we can finally call the state of Georgia for Jeb Bush.

It's 10:51 p.m. and we can now project that the Democratic ticket has carried Iowa. We are now nine minutes away from being able to officially declare Hillary Clinton our next President. Don't go anywhere, you won't want to miss this historic moment.

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton (D-NY) / Senator Tim Kaine (D-VA): 220 Electoral Votes
Former Governor Jeb Bush (R-FL) / Governor Brian Sandoval (R-NV): 184 Electoral Votes

[Free Bird]

By God...

[The Other Castro]

Say it ain't so Mark, think of the children!

[JonathanSwift]

It's 11:00 p.m. Polls are closing on our Pacific coast. We have some projections to make.

Idaho has been won by Republican Jeb Bush.

Democrat Hillary Clinton has carried Hawaii, Oregon, and Washington.

California is still too close to call.... wait, WHAT???!!?!

Hold on... yes, the network just confirmed that California is too close to call at this hour. Look's like we can't proceed with the coronation just yet.

A very shocking development, to say the least. Stay tuned.

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton (D-NY) / Senator Tim Kaine (D-VA): 243 Electoral Votes
Former Governor Jeb Bush (R-FL) / Governor Brian Sandoval (R-NV): 188 Electoral Votes

[JonathanSwift]

It's 11:36 p.m., and we can now report that Jeb Bush has carried his home state of Florida.

It's 12:05 a.m., and we are now able to project the state of Colorado for the Republican ticket.

It's 12:31 a.m., and we project that Bush has carried New Mexico.

It's 12:49 a.m., and more good news for the Republican ticket; they have carried Vice Presidential nominee Brian Sandoval's home state of Nevada.

It's 1:00 a.m. Polls have closed in Alaska, and we are able to call the state for Jeb Bush.

Jeb Bush, who seemed utterly doomed just hours ago, has made an astonishing comeback. I never thought I'd be saying this, but it all comes down now to California.

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton (D-NY) / Senator Tim Kaine (D-VA): 243 Electoral Votes
Former Governor Jeb Bush (R-FL) / Governor Brian Sandoval (R-NV): 240 Electoral Votes

[JonathanSwift]

It's 7:02 a.m., and we are able to report that former Florida Governor Jeb Bush has narrowly won the state of California, and with it the Presidency. This has to be the biggest electoral upset since 1948. We've received word that Hillary Clinton has just called Jeb Bush to concede. There you have it, folks: John Ellis Bush will be the 45th President of the United States of America. Thanks for watching.

Former Governor Jeb Bush (R-FL) / Governor Brian Sandoval (R-NV): 295 Electoral Votes
Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton (D-NY) / Senator Tim Kaine (D-VA): 243 Electoral Votes

[/]

Major plot twist...

[user12345]

lmao wat

[100% pro-life no matter what]

Given the title, why do I have some weird idea in my head that Bush has a miracle comeback...

Called it!

[BigVic]

How did Bush win CA?!? CA has been v. safe D since '92

[NeverAgain]

How did Bush win CA?!? CA has been v. safe D since '92

The Latinos love Columba.

[Orthogonian Society Treasurer]

THANK YOU BASED HALPERIN

[JonathanSwift]

Given the title, why do I have some weird idea in my head that Bush has a miracle comeback...

Called it!

Yes, you were right. Good job.

How did Bush win CA?!? CA has been v. safe D since '92

Hispanics vote for Jeb in huge numbers because he speaks Spanish, has a Mexican wife and Mexican-American running mate, and supports immigration reform. He probably still never would have thought to target the state, though, if not for the advice of ingenious political strategist Mark Halperin.