Honest Campaign Slogans

[Xing]

What if campaign slogans for 2016 presidential contenders were a little more... honest, and not intended to be politically sly?

Democrats

Clinton: "I'm unstoppable! No, I actually will win this time, I promise! No scandals for me, nope!"

O'Malley: "I'm not Hillary Clinton. Isn't that reason enough?"

Sanders: "Voting for me will make you feel like you're a real progressive. Oh, and I'm also definitely not Hillary Clinton."

Webb: "Democrats need to move to the right! Just look at Pryor and Landrieu! .... Wait, they did win last year, right?"

Biden: "Maaaaaaybe I'm running, maaaaaaaaybe I'm not. "

Republicans

Bush: "Hey, at least I'm smarter than my brother."

Walker: "I don't really understand much about the issues, but... THREE TIMES IN FOUR YEARS, BABY! Yeah, let's talk about that some more."

Rubio: "Adding diversity to the Republican party since 2010."

Paul: "I'm kinda sorta libertarianish, but I'm not, like, a scary libertarian."

Kasich: "You know, I might be able to beat Hillary Clinton. I'm the governor of a key swing state, I won by 30 percent last year, and I... Hello!? Is anyone listening!?"

Christie: "Wait! I'm still relevant!"

Gilmore: "So am I!"

Pataki: "Me too!"

Huckabee: "*sings* Pray the gay away! Love to force re-li-gion!"

Trump: "Hey, everyone! Look at me, look at me!"

Feel free to add your own.

[H.E. VOLODYMYR ZELENKSYY]

Chafee: Fresh Ideas For America, And By "Fresh Ideas" I Mean The Metric System

[dudeabides]

Hillary Clinton for President. Preserve the Status-Quo. End Ethics in Government.
Bernie Sanders 2016. Make America more like Europe.
Martin O'Malley - Failed Leadership for America's Future
Lincoln Chafee. The Nerd.
Jim Webb - The only sane Democrat for President
Jeb Bush for President. Change Washington. Restore Hope.
Scott Walker 2016. Defeat the Special Interests.
Marco Rubio - A New Generation Republican for President
John Kasich for President. Common Sense Leadership. Vanilla Personality.
Rand Paul - Libertarian Conservative Panderer for President.
Chris Christie - Democrat for President
Donald Trump - Universal Health Care. Less Trade. Fewer Jobs. Socialist for President.
George Pataki - End the GOP as we know it!
Lindsey Grahm - Hawk for President
Jim Gilmore - Defeat Rudy McRomney
Carly Fiorina - It's Time for an outsider
Rick Perry. Weak Governor. Mediocre Candidate for President.
Mike Huckabee - Populist for President
Rick Santorum 1892 2016
Ben Carson - Letting white tea party folks feel less guilty since 2013
Ted Cruz - End Republican Victories 2016
Bobby Jindal for President - Pandering to the Religious Right since 2015

[Famous Mortimer]

Clinton: Vote for Clinton. What else are you going to do?
Sanders: Moderate European social democrat = American extremist
O'Malley: More liberal than Clinton but not a scary socialist
Webb: The two parties hate this guy. Click here to find out why.
Chafee: Benghazi

Bush: Vote for Bush. What else are you going to do?
Trump: Vote for me or f*** off
Christie: Vote for me or get lost
Walker: Slightly more conservative than Bush
Cruz: I believe it was Cicero who said, after the fall of Tripoli in 39BC, healthcare for the elderly is tyranny
Paul: but have you ever tried being a Republican...ON WEEED?
Rubio: Anybody need a brown VP candidate to prove they aren't racist?
Jindal: Does Jeb Bush need a brown VP candidate to prove he isn't racist?
Huckabee: Jesus and a Southern accent
Graham: I love the taste of John McCain's penis
Perry: Look at my cool new glasses
Gilmore: I'm bored
Carson: One of the good ones
Fiorina: Vote for me to have my own show on FOX News
Kasich: Just like Bush but without the baggage of the last name
Pataki: I love killing babies also maybe 9/11?
Santorum: Gay marriage is totally still an issue

[Crumpets]

Hillary Clinton: Oh, you're voting for me? Here's a blindfold and earplugs you can wear until election day!
Bernie Sanders: Listen to my economic proposals, ignore the rest!
Martin O'Malley: Losing friends and alienating people since 2015!
Lincoln Chafee: Sometimes even I have to read my business card to remember who I am!
Jim Webb: A living legend for a dying America!

Jeb Bush: We fooled you twice, shame on you. Fool you - you can't get fooled again!
Scott Walker: Work makes you free! Unless you live in Wisconsin...
Marco Rubio: Vanilla in color for the vanilla at heart!
John Kasich: (to Republicans) Look at the laws I have passed! (to Democrats) Laws? What laws?
Rand Paul: [Insert slogan based on individual crowd here]
Chris Christie: Sometimes I surprise even myself that I'm not in jail!
Donald Trump: F*** America! (watches as poll numbers climb 15 points)
George Pataki: Sometimes I put on a wig and pretend I'm Lincoln Chafee.
Lindsey Graham: Mom, Dad, I have something important to say... I'm going to bomb Iran.
Jim Gilmore: Working hard to... THIS IS CNN BREAKING NEWS! DONALD TRUMP EATS A HOTDOG!
Carly Fiorina: My biography started in 2006. Everything else you read is a lie!
Rick Perry: Basically George W. Bush, except more of a dick!
Mike Huckabee: You shall not crucify mankind upon a cross of gays!
Rick Santorum: I once had to confess that I masturbated to Anita Bryant.
Ben Carson: [sound of glove snapping]
Ted Cruz: One people, one nation, one Cuban-Canadian leader!
Bobby Jindal: All the Christian fundamentalist Indian-Americans eligible to vote say "hey-oh!"

[Maxwell]

Martin O'Malley - I'm supposedly a liberal in Maryland. Isn't that good enough?
Bernie Sanders - older than sin, in it to win!
Hillary Clinton - Richard Nixon in a dress.
Lincoln Chafee - Insert some random WASP here for similar effect.
Jim Webb - Reagan Democrats, unite! (2 people show up)
Joe Biden - Finally, a candidate Pete Townshend can support!

Ted Cruz - Because, let's face it, Joe McCarthy was a communist
Donald Trump - I'm a terrific man, who is terrific, and want to fight the terrible problems that are making this country terrible because I'm terrific. And I'm worth a lot of money, by the way.
Carly Fiorina - I can do for America what I did for Hewlett-Packard - tank it.
Ben Carson - Please don't ask me about homosexuals.
Jeb Bush - Columba 2016
Rick Santorum - see Ben Carson
Mike Huckabee - see Rick Santorum, also don't ask me about the holocaust.
Marco Rubio - A young hispanic male with lots of debt. and a Presidential candidate? That's weird.
George Pataki - Geez, talk about a throwback
John Kasich - Jeb Bush in a Jon Huntsman outfit going trick or treating.
Chris Christie - You gotta tighten your belts! (picture of Christie shoving burgers into his mouth)
Scott Walker - Please don't ask me about anything.
Rand Paul - The worst dressed Presidential candidate in history.
Jim Gilmore - Doesn't even deserve one of these.